The next day Dan reached the Erebor on his completely exhausted pony and the day after Kan and his parents arrived. Alwa's condition had not changed. Thorin was grateful for Dwin's help because Ama seemed to become increasingly frail by her grief and despair. Dwin changed Alwa's bed sheets and underlay, washed her conscientiously and gently combed her hair. She kept the damp sheets wet in the room, anointed Alwa's chapped lips and stood ready in the background if anything was needed.
Dís, too, had come yesterday and today to take turns at Alwa's bedside and talk or read to her. And Thorin spent the nights besides his wife and tried to distract himself during the day. He could hardly endure the ever more desperate mood at her sickbed. On the evening of the second day he caught up with his sister on her way to the gate.
"Dís! May I talk to you briefly?", he asked.
"Of course."
They walked out together onto the forecourt that lay still in the golden light of the last evening sun.
"What is it I have to forgive you? Your brilliant performance with the gold dust? I almost forgot about that already", he said.
"She did not say precisely. Just hinted at it. The burden of a guild I'd carry for a long time already secretly. Everything should be revealed. And… there is actually something else. Something that lays way back", she confessed, lowering her gaze.
"Just why does that not surprise me?", Thorin said with a crooked grin, "So? What have you done? Is it Kirin's death that is on your conscience? That I would not only forgive but explicitly support."
"No, it is not that easy, I'm afraid. And I do not even know whether I am ready to tell you at all", his sister replied evasively.
"And how am I supposed to forgive you then?", he muttered gruffly.
She moaned.
"Come on, Dís! What can it be? Did you cheat on me with Nori?", he began to guess.
She snorted contemptuously.
"You've got to be kidding! Nothing like that", she replied.
"Dís, I want to do everything I can. Somehow I think it might be important for Alwa right now", he said firmly.
"You grew fond of her, didn't you?", Dís asked softly.
Thorin nodded.
"I am glad to hear that. Honestly", Dís said seriously and sighed, "I have feared and expected your question, Thorin. And when I talked to Bard about it, he suggested to write it down for you. Parchment is more patient than you are, he said."
She pulled a sealed envelope out of her coat.
"To Bard you did talk about it?", her brother asked irritably, reaching for the envelope.
She held it out of his reach.
"Yes, I did. About everything. Promise me to read this not before I returned home", she said.
He muttered annoyed:
"All right. I will open it when I am back in my room. Will that do now?"
She gave him the envelope and he pocketed it. Together they went to the stables, where Dís's Pony and her guards were already waiting. She swung herself into the saddle and rode on.
"Oh, wait. One more thing you can put on that list there. I wrote to Thranduil and asked for advice about Alwa."
With that she kicked her pony into the sides and galloped away. Thorin looked after her angrily. He had actually thought about that too but could not bring himself to do so.
"What else?", he roared after her and only heard her faint laughter from afar.
At last he sighed and went back inside, shaking his head. He would not change her any more in this life. A dull smile brightened his features. The first and last light moment on this day.
Juwa and Ama sat with tear-stained faces at Alwa's bed. Dan and even Kan, who's good mood was otherwise unwavering, hung their heads mournfully. Alwa's father had withdrawn to their room already.
The search in the libraries had been unsuccessful and Alwa's condition worsened now hour by hour. Her rosy, delicate skin was pale and dry as old parchment, her cheeks sunken and there were dark rings under her eyes. The old dwarrowdams went to bed in deep sorrow. Dwin looked at the sheets again and said goodbye. She wanted to say something comforting to the king, but she could not think of anything. Helplessly she raised her hands.
"It's all right, Dwin", the king said softly.
Thorin and Alwa's brothers talked for a while until they, too, left to meet with Balin and Dwalin at the Skemtar on a mug of beer. Dan asked, not for the first time, that Thorin should please notify them immediately if there was any change in Alwa's condition.
So Thorin stayed back alone for the night watch. The room was now completely cold and the moisture began to leave marks on the furniture and on the walls. He was freezing. Not only his limbs, but also his mind and his soul, lacking sleep and being worn out with sorrow, were as cold as Alwa's fingers. He took a cloak from his room and sat down at her bedside. He held her ice cold hands in his and tried to warm them with his breath. She looked like dead and his hope crumbled like old, wet sandstone. Despair crept up inside him. Why had she dared this madness? He knew the answer but did not really want to admit it. She had taken this risk for him. So his sister and he could be free. Free for Bard and for her.
With a shiver he took out Dís's letter and decided to read the lines to Alwa because he no longer knew what to talk to her about. He broke the seal and pulled out six pages of parchment. Filled with Dís's elegant handwriting.
"Well. Let us see what my dear sister did", Thorin murmured, cleared his throat and began:
"My dear brother..."
Thorin had not the faintest idea was he was about to find out when he began to read. Dís had written down everything that she had told Bard about the three unwanted pregnancies. Had tried to explain why she had made those decisions and why she had made them alone. And how hard those choices had been.
Thorin read the letter aloud until he came to the point where his sister had noticed the first pregnancy and stopped bewildered. So that's what it was about. He had a child with his sister. But where was it? How had she hidden it all those years? He went on reading and stopped again. He was unable to utter those monstrosities aloud. Horrified his eyes flew along the lines. He finish reading the letter and read it again, before he slowly folded it together. The blood rushed in his ears and throbbed in his temples. Only with difficulty he ordered his thoughts.
He had fathered three children. With his sister. He remembered how much she had always feared that. He himself had rarely even allowed thoughts to that. Had somehow figured she could tie the knot with some dwarf in pretence if it really came to it. Perhaps with Dwalin or Balin. Even though that would not have done much good. Everybody would have assumed the truth anyway, because the rumours about their unseemly relationship were persistent. Especially if the children had been crippled or retarded. The shame would have stuck on them forever. He would have hidden in Ered Luin and never have dared to re-conquer the Erebor with his head held high. And if he had tried, no one would have followed him. Probably not even Dwalin. He would have went down in his kin's history. Oh, yes. But not as the king who won back the Erebor but as the one who lay with his sister… Oh, Mahal! He moaned. But nevertheless. It had been their children she had killed. Maybe two brothers like Fíli and Kíli.
In vain he wished for his wrath. He did not want to feel what he felt but rather be angry with Dís. But he could not. As terrible as her deeds had been and as little he wanted to admit it, at the bottom of his heart he was deeply grateful she had made this inevitable decision and had not even burdened him with the knowledge. She had gone through all this by herself and only with the help of her loyal servant.
"You knew it, didn't you?", he whispered to Alwa and sought comfort near her.
He rested his head on her chest, listened to her steady heartbeat and mourned. Mourned the loss of his nephews who had been like sons to him and the loss of three unborn children, two of them willingly sacrificed for the reputation of his house, for Erebor and for his accursed honour.
He must have fallen asleep over this grieving because when he woke with a jolt out of a haunting dream all the candle had gone out and no night light burned. Despite the cold in the room, he was drenched in sweat. Breathing heavily he tried to remember what he had dreamt and groped his way to the wall niche with the thick stump of the night light. Matches lay next to it. He lit the three wicks and returned to the bed.
Thror. The dream had been about his grandfather. And about Fredrin. He looked at Alwa and slowly the memory returned. She had spoken to him. And she had called him by his first name. He clearly recalled that.
"Thorin! Thorin, it is Thror! He will not let me got! He does not want Fredrin to rule the Erebor. Tell him his time is over! Thorin, listen to me!", she had implored him.
Now he remembered everything very clearly and he was frightened. He jumped out of bed. What if this had not been a mere dream but a message to him?
"Alwa, what am I to do? How shall I tell him that?", he asked despairingly.
But there was no answer.
Suddenly a thought sprang to his mind. He opened the doors to his chambers. The place in Erebor in which Alwa had never set foot because she felt threatened by Thror. It almost felt a little eerie as he entered the otherwise familiar rooms. It was pitch black and he quickly lit a few candles. Then he began to summon Thror in Khuzdul, demanding to free his wife and his son, always keeping an eye on Alwa in her bedroom. Nothing happened. Eventually he grew increasingly mad at the perfidy of his grandfather. He swore, raged and cursed, finally threatened. Roared like thunder through the empty rooms, almost missing Alwa's sneeze.
He hurried back and found her sitting upright in bed. She had wrapped her arms around herself and looked at him dazed, shivering and with chattering teeth.
"Alwa!", Thorin exclaimed overwhelmed with relief, embraced her and carried her over to his bedroom. He was convinced now that Thror could not do her any harm here and no objection came from her either.
Over there it was pleasantly warm after the icy cold next doors. He kicked the door shut behind him, had her sit down on his bed and threw his blanket around her. Then he grabbed his water carafe and poured her a glass. She could not hold it, so very much trembled her hands. With his help she gulped down three glasses of water. After that her throat was moistened enough to be able to say a word, croaking.
"Cold..."
"Alwa, you are back! Alwa!", he replied hoarsely, felt his eyes fill with tears and could speak no more.
He hugged her, covered her face with kisses and blinked away his tears.
Then he pressed another glass of water into her hands, hurried into his study and rang his servant out of sleep. He ordered hot soup, hot tea, hot chocolate and hot semolina pudding. And the queen's rooms should be heated and made up.
"Is the queen back with us?", his valet asked shyly.
"Yes", Thorin replied, breathing deep in relief.
Slowly he relaxed.
"How wonderful!", the dwarf rejoiced with a broad smile.
Then he ran off with a bow to get the desired done quickly. Thorin went back to Alwa. She smiled at him dully, still trembling with cold and exhaustion. She had emptied the carafe of water but still had difficulty speaking.
"Well, let us warm you up first of all, my treasure. We'll talk later", he said, picking her up again and carrying her to his bathroom.
His bathing cave was more functional than hers but the water was just as hot. It took a while before her ice-cold, aching limbs had grown accustomed to the warmth of the water, but then she submerged completely to warm every fibre of her body. She sneezed a few more times. The most beautiful sound he had ever heard, the king thought.
While Thorin's spirits slowly returned in the hot water, too, he thought back somehow astonished at his servant's reply. This dwarf had served him for quite a while now and had always been attentive and diligent, but the king had never really taken notice of him and did not even know his name. And yet this servant had apparently felt much sympathy for the fate of his wife and seemed sincerely glad for her recovery. As probably most likely the vast majority of the dwarves in his mountain, too. And he realized that his wife was no longer the confused little stranger from the Iron Mountains, but their queen.
The Queen of Erebor.
After the bath Alwa sat dressed in one of his thick winter nightgowns, warmly covered and with a towel around her wet hair in his bed. Hungrily she ate the soup and drank the chocolate in a few gulps. In the meantime it was very early in the next morning already. Thorin took the empty soup bowl and handed her the bowl of semolina. She also ate part of that until she felt fully satisfied and drank another large sip of tea. Then she let herself fall back into his pillows, grabbed his hand and put it on her belly.
"That was a near thing, but Fredrin is fine", she sighed hoarsely and asked then, "Would you really have dumped Thror's bones in Thranduil's privy?"
"By Durin's beard! I would have!", Thorin said, flaring up.
Calming down then, he smiled.
"You heard that?", he asked embarrassed.
She nodded, smiling, and pulled his hand to her cheek.
"Grandfather… Thror… he actually held you on the other side?", Thorin asked softly and could not help the hair in his neck standing on end.
"Not holding as I hold your hand. It was more… He let me see pictures. Showed me incidents of his life. Elves who hated him and wanted evil, men who deceived him. Orcs bringing death and destruction. Hatred and violence, betrayal, fright and disappointment. And the deeper he let me look, the more I moved away from Wala and from this side. One moment I could hear Ama singing and the next everything was still and dark around me. I had no feeling for the time that elapsed. My thinking blurred. And Thror kept imploring: "Never trust anyone else! Only gold is true!" But at some point I could see beyond that. Further than he wanted me to see. It was his fear that Fredrin would be different and it is a thorn in his side. And from then on I could withstand his insinuations, but I could not see the way back. Oh, Thorin! His heart is so cold and his mind so twisted. I feel so very sorry for him but I did not know how to help him. And I had to go back because I suddenly saw how much time had really passed. Not minutes and hours, as I had thought, but days! And I had the idea, if you would distract his mind just a little, Wala could find me. And you understood the message and did the right thing. Thror fell silent, disappeared finally and I heard your voice. And then Wala was back with me and suddenly the way back was easy to find."
Thorin leaned over her and kissed her chapped lips tenderly.
"Mahal, I can't say how glad I am to have you back. How could you dare that?", he whispered.
"Everything would have gone well if I had not begun to listen to your grandfather out of respect. It was important for Dís. How is she doing? Did she tell you about it?", she asked.
"Yes, she did. She was… She was very moved and she was here by your side every day. Like your whole family by the way. You will see Dís later today for sure. She gave me a letter yesterday… But we can talk about that later", he answered.
Then he asked something else:
"And you call me by my first name now?"
"Yes. Something is changing. My king. My Thorin", she replied, pulling him down for another kiss.
He held her tight and was close to tears again.
"Damn it! I'm growing soft on my old days", he thought.
"Thank Mahal", she whispered and again he was not sure whether she was reading his mind.
But it was all the same to him.
"I should go and wake Dan. I have promised. Are you well enough, treasure?", he asked.
She nodded but as he rose to leave she held him back and said absently:
"Ama will die."
Thorin sighed and said:
"I am afraid, the last days tormented her badly."
""Yes. She should return to the Iron Mountains with my parents. To her home", Alwa replied.
"Do you want Dwin to serve you in her place", Thorin asked.
"No", his wife answered firmly, "her help during the last days has been valuable and I am grateful. But she would be unhappy without stone and iron. No. I do not want that. Brit shall come."
"Brit?", Thorin asked, raising his brows.
"Karla's oldest. She has always taken care of her younger siblings, too. She would be the right one for me and Fredrin. She is young. She could pass on her knowledge about me later to our grandchildren. To someone who may be carrying on the gift", Alwa said.
Thorin swallowed hard and raised his hands.
"Good, good! But first things first. And first of all I will go and get Dan now."
Alwa smiled indulgently at him and watched him leave the room.
Dís reached the Erebor together with Thranduil's healer later that morning and learned at the gate already the good news about the queen's recovery. She had returned to the world of the living, the guards said. She thanked the elvish healer warmly for coming and his good will and asked him to give her greetings and her thank to Thranduil, too. The tall elf was slightly annoyed to have come the long way for nothing. On the other hand he was relieved not to have to enter the mountain. He bowed, turned his horse and rode back.
Dís hurried up the stairs and saw Alwa's family with happy faces gathered around their daughter and sister, whom they had believed lost. Alwa was still lying in Thorin's bed and still seemed worn-out and tired in spite of her smiling face. She noticed Dís standing hesitantly in the door and stretched out her arms to her. Dís rushed towards her and the two dwarrowdams embraced.
"Alwa! Thank Mahal! You are back!", Dís sobbed.
"Everything will be all right now", Alwa whispered to her.
"Thank you! I thank you so much. I owe you...", Dís whispered back.
"You contributed your part. Without your honesty we would not have come that far. It was a good idea to write it down for Thorin", Alwa replied.
"Bard's idea", Dís answered with tears in her eyes.
Alwa nodded and said:
"He has a loving heart. He is doing you good."
Dís nodded and the tears streamed down her face. She said goodbye. She did not want to disturb the family's get-together any longer. And she wanted to go back to Dale. To Bard. To her life.
She hurried to the stairs and ran straight into her brother. Frightened and uncertain, she paused. She feared his reaction and half expected him to condemn her forever for her deeds. But there was a smile on his face. A little uncertain, too, but Dís felt a huge wave of relief spread warmly through herself. He took her hands.
"I don't know what to say…", he said softly, pressing his forehead unto hers.
"Write it down, brother. You know, parchment is much more patient than I am", she answered.
He chuckled.
"Good. I'll do that. Right now I am just so happy to have Alwa back", he replied.
"Me, too! Me, too", Dís laughed, still with tears in her eyes.
She gave him a peck on the cheek and ran on down the stairs.
"Goodbye for today! See you at the latest at the harvest festival, brother!", she called out to him.
And in her head the words rang on:
"Brother! My brother! He is my brother!"
And all heaviness fell of her heart.
