Chapter Twenty Eight – Sacrifice For The Sake Of My Art
Saturday 24th October 2009
Beverly Hill's
Beach – 5.30 pm
I wiped a tear of my cheek sitting down on the golden sand.
It's winter so it's chilly here in Beverly Hills and a lot chillier at the beach. Despite the cold wind families still came out here to play, children to build sand castles and burry each other in sand graves.
Some children danced under the rays of the sun, their parents running after them begging for them to put on sun cream so that they don't get sun burnt.
A few surfers I recognized from SM Beverly are also out here, riding the waves onto the shore.
I probably shouldn't say this but I don't think nothings ever going to change until I find out who Jesse really is. I can't hold on much longer, I have to draw him but before that I'd have to sacrifice myself for the sake of my art.
I sat away from everybody else, in a secluded corner, and decided to make a list.
A list of all the things that irritate me about Jesse:
His arrogance
His games
Him playing with me then sleeping with them
Him making me feel insecure
Him making me feel scared and times making me cry
His friends are sometimes jerks
Him drinking
Him flirting with girls
Him flirting with teachers
Him partying all night long
Him teasing and calling me' Kitty-Kat' and Him calling me by the name 'Samantha'
Him kissing me where ever and whenever he wants
Him making me blush and embarrass myself in front of everyone
Him making fun out of my pig-tailed braids
His schmoozing ways get him whatever he wants
Him skipping classes and walking in and out of whichever one he wants,
Him sleeping in lessons, especially chemistry
Him having so many sides
Him using the powerful secret of his eyes, to get what he wants
I suppose since I'm writing his irritating traits I should mention the few things about him that I guess I kind of like about him.
His hair
His eyes
His dimpled smile
His all divine
His charm
His gracefulness
His elegance
His strong hands
His lingering fingers
His sensuous deep voice
He's versatile personality
He makes me laugh
He makes me melt
He makes me feel confident
His touch is soft and endearing
He's got the body of a Greek-god
The way he always rescues me like a prince
Even though I'm a toy, no matter how many times he says it he doesn't treat me like one
Everybody loves Jesse
I crossed my legs on the sand and gazed through the list I had made.
I don't want to admit it, but even the things that irritate me about him, I … I think I like them too. Well apart from him drinking, partying, womanising and walking freely in and out of lessons like he owns them.
I sort of like it when he pulls my braids, by doing that he pulls me closer to him and makes me feel different as he doesn't do that to anyone else.
When he falls asleep in Chemistry, watching him sleep peacefully warms me up. Calling me Samantha gives me a new identity.
He makes me cry but then it's him that then makes me laugh. I don't mind him pushing me against walls and kissing me as though he owns me. I wouldn't mind kissing his lips a million times, I'll never get tired of, every kiss is new.
His hands in mine, when they intertwine…Me Feel…
"Arghh!" I groaned scrunching up the list and stuffing it into my bag.
This is all too much! And now he's even rejected me!
Before going home last night after the game I made my way over to the ladies room, an urgent need to empty my bladder was what was pulling me back to SM Beverly.
I was just about to open the cubicle door and leave when I head Kelly Prescott's voice. Wanting to avoid an encounter with her, I stood inside the loo patiently for her to leave, but soon I was drowned deep in her conversation with Katie and Debbie.
"His attention is priceless," Kelly said, "Jesse is someone, who anybody in their right mind wouldn't even for a second think of saying no to, let alone actually saying it,"
"He's so hot!" Katie said, "Especially those eyes of his,"
"I refused Jesse Di Silva," I thought to myself,
A fear of guilt made my stomach turn, but pride over took it. I'm a woman with dignity; I did the right thing saying no to the pretty face. But slowly, guilt fought its way back up to my throat, and my throat went dry.
"But could it be my rejection, the reason why he hasn't attacked me again like a fox?" I whispered to myself,
Wait! Why do I keep thinking of him and kissing him!
"Shake it out of your system Suze," I shook my head hysterically,
"I will be the one Jesse takes home tonight," Kelly said proudly, "I just can't wait for this party to be over. Hope he doesn't get too drunk, I refer him in control,"
I blushed and since then I can't stop thinking about Jesse.
Is it possible that I could be in love with him? But I don't know what love is, what is it?
"Where's daddy?" I asked Heidi going into the dining room for breakfast,
"He's still in bed," Heidi told me, "Wants to sleep a little longer. And Brad, don't even need to mention this, you probably have already guessed it. But he has a hangover from last night so I'm guessing he wouldn't be coming out of his room until tomorrow. God! What will I do with that boy; just because they won the game doesn't mean he gets to do whatever he wants,"
"Good morning, Susannah," Gina kissed the back of my head when she passed behind me,
"Good morning," I replied, "Heidi is Brad going to be ok?"
"He'll be fine," She muttered putting down a plate of pancakes in front of me, "You came in and I thought you'd want to ask me something by your expression,"
"Umm…What is love?" I asked picking up my knife and fork,
"Love?" She laughed softly, sitting down at the table, "Love cannot be expressed in works, honey,"
"Was Daddy your first love?" I asked
"Oh god no, I feel in love many times before Mathew," She grinned reminiscing her past, "Many, many times,"
"Oh you have such innocent thought," Gina smiled at me from across the table,
But isn't it true? Love only occurs once in a lifetime, the rest is just life…
"My first love took me by storm," Heidi held my hand, "We were in high school together and he was just a silly little teenager time passing with me, he broke my heart. Suze, throughout our lives we'll fall in love many times until we find the one. The one that we know is our love that will last forever,"
"But what is love?" I asked still unsure,
"It's a feeling, an emotion," She told me, "Oh hey Mathew, you decided to get out after all,"
"Hey," He said still looking sleepy.
Heidi kissed his mouth and then he kiss my forehead before taking a seat at the dining table,
"I'm guessing Brad's got a hangover," He said
Heidi pressed her lips together and nodded
"Its teenage years," He laughed then stopped after getting a look from Gina,
I took the house phone then made my way up to my room after breakfast.
I got all art materials ready sitting comfortably in front of my easel. I sat there for nearly an hour; I couldn't even draw a line without it getting wobbly or going in the wrong direction.
It was so difficult to draw him, I took a break and gave Ceecee a call and asked her how she fell in love with Adam,
"We were always friends and I had a crush on him," She told me over the phone, "I always knew that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with him. So when he asked me out I wasn't surprised at all, relieved and slightly annoyed at him for taking such a long time to finally ask me,"
I smiled
"Adam is someone I love the most in this entire world. He comes first before everyone. My love for him is special; a smile from him makes all the stress of my day goes away in a jippy," She laughed softly, "I can't even stay mad at him for long. Sex is just something what well for one if fun, and then it brings us closer together,"
Ceecee went to talk on about her childhood memories with Adam and I smiled patiently listening to them. After about an hour she had to go so she hung up.
Gina gave me a cold water bottle to give to Brad. So I made my way to his room,
"Ugh! Get lost Susie!" He moaned from under his blanket,
"I came to give you this," I placed the bottle next to him, He instantly stuck a arm out and grabbed it tightly,
"Get well soon," I said before exiting the room to go to mine,
I paused looking at the empty easel,
"For any artist to express something, you have to feel it first"
That is what Serena wisely told me,
And that's when I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to be close to Jesse, it was the only to draw him, but first I'll have to feel him.
So I'll give it everything or nothing at all!
I'm still not sure whether I love him or not but I know what is more important. It's my empty canvas!
I paced around the room, with the hand phone in my hand. Tired, I fell back onto my bed; to freshen myself I did some chemistry homework then went back to pacing around the room, thinking about how I should confront Jesse over my dilemma.
Should I even confront him?
"I don't know!" Groaned pulling at my stack of hair,
I fell back onto my bed onto this time to land on something hard,
"Ouch," I sat up then looked down at my astrology book, "Destiny,"
Is this destiny?
"The feather," I thought to myself, "The feathers bound to mean something,"
I looked carefully at the phone then somehow plucked up the courage to call Jesse's line. I had his number kept safely, hidden away in one of my drawers.
I dialled the number and listening to it ring. My heart beat got faster and faster with even beep, hoping he wouldn't pick up.
"The number your calling is unavailable, leave a message after the beep"
Leave a message? No!
I hung up and laughed to myself,
I tried to call him but he didn't answer so I shouldn't regret it. But calling again would be more appropriate.
I nervously pinched the number in and held the phone to my ear. It rang again, knowing he wouldn't answer; I lay back onto my bed, relaxed.
"Hello?"
I jumped off my bed,
"Who is this?" A sleep, deep voice answered. He sounded really mystifying and different.
"So this is how his voice sounds over the phone?" I thought to myself,
"Hello?"
"Uh…It's…Um…Well-
"Kitty-Kat," He breathed into the phone, sending tingles down to my turning stomach, "You called, I'm surprise,"
"You know it's me?" Was my stupid reply. But I was curious; he had recognized my stammering over the phone, it made me feel good.
"Yeah I know it's my Kitty-Kat," Came his sensuous, slow voice through the phone, tugging at my heart, "Why did you call?"
"I want to see you," I said quickly then held my breath waiting for his reply,
"Now?" He asked not sounding a tad bit curious at all,
"Yes," My voice croaked
"I'm not in the state to get up you-
"I can come over," I said quickly
There was silence on the other end of the line. Then a small laugh jingled in my ear,
"Slow down Kitty-Ka," He chuckled, "If you remember the way then come. If you get lost on the way, don't bother calling to come and find you,"
Jerk!
"Ok," I said and hung up,
What to wear?
Ceecee and Zoe are always talking about sexy underwear, but I don't have any of those.
Who cares! It'll be a five minute thing then that art will flow through my fingers and onto my empty easel.
Or so I'm guessing …
But in the end, to win something you've got to lose something else,
I changed into jeans with a baggy top. I left home telling Heidi I'm meeting up with Carter,
I got there and I stood nervously in front of the door, unable to find the courage to ring the bell.
Is it right what I'm doing?
For the sake of my art, I'll have to sacrifice myself,
I pressed the buzzer and it wasn't long before that Jesse answered the door,
"Finally, I thought you'd stand out there all day," He led me in,
"You knew I was there?" I asked
"I looked out of the window awhile ago when I heard your car pull up. I saw you and got scared but then reassured myself it's only you," He chuckled,
I frowned to myself trying to cover up my red blushing face. He was topless and his pheromones were luring me to him, there was such a strong force that I found myself losing all gravity and hugging him, feeling his body against mine, the much awaited re-union of our bodies.
After what seemed like years I looked up at him, totally embarrassed,
"Samantha?" He looked at me confusedly as a tear ran down my cheek,
I didn't know myself why I was crying, but I was. There was a deep pain my chest caused by embracing him after such a long time. 2 days, were like 2 years.
"Why?" He asked touching my wet tear on my face,
Embarrassment rushed through me and I pulled away from him, running towards the door, I was nearly there when he grabbed onto my arm and pulled me back into his arm.
"I don't understand. I touch you and you cry, I don't touch you and you still cry. Senorita, I apologize on behalf on my pheromones," He said with an ironic tone,
Conceited Jerk!
But I couldn't possibly be mad at him. He hadn't kissed me because my tears affected home, not because he lost interest in me.
"You little creepy baby," He chuckled and brought his lips down to mine,
The second we got engaged in a kiss I was lost. It was heavenly, so soft, so warm, so comforting. The much awaited kiss that I unknowingly longed for.
Movement of both place and time was suspended with a kiss.
I don't remember how I ended up in his bedroom topless, but I did with teeth nibbling on my chest. My back arched as I took in the pain, holding my head back, relaxing my troubled mind. Filling my world with peace, leaving every memory of my distorted past behind.
Jesse held onto me, filling me with sweet, erotic bliss,
He leaned up holding his face close to mine. An uncertain smile came across my lips as I held his beautiful face in my hands,
"Your eyes," I gazed deeply into his grey, sparkling eyes, "They are beautiful,"
What had I said wrong?
I sank into the bed waiting his lips to meet with mine, but they didn't. Instead he let go of me and got out the bed,
"Go home Samantha," He said looking irritated,
"Its sacrifice for the sake of my art," I protested, embarrassed by his rejection,
"I don't want your sacrifice, I don't want you to draw me, I want you to leave," He said picking up his shirt,
"Oh I understand. I'm not Kelly Prescott. Or anyone else as beautiful as her, I'm just a dork from your high school that you like teasing," I said feeling teary eyed, "Your Jesse Di Silva, the one who every girl wants to be with, you don't care about me or my art, all you care about is yourself. I hate your superiority, I hate it Jesse,"
I grabbed my clothes and ran out of his room. He didn't stop me and didn't even come out of his room while I pulled on my top over my head.
I grabbed the door handle and got out of his, into my car and drove to the beach, the place where I am now.
I was just being a foolish desperate school girl, using art as an excuse to get close to my high school crush. A tsunami flowed down my ugly face and down to my heart's pounding shore. I cried the whole ride to the peaceful beach where once I shared a few special moments with him. I cried to the deaf, a mute choir.
I'm not crying no more, my tears have dried up. But now I know that it isn't only art that's drawing me to Jesse, it's more than that. I've developed feelings for him.
I don't think its love, it's just a crush. Because I still don't understand love.
What is love? It's one of the most difficult questions for mankind. Centuries have passed by, love has flourished, yet still love cannot be given a proper definition. Maybe love is just luck.
I traced the words 'Destiny' on my astrology book.
"Maybe love is luck," I whispered to myself, "And my luck just isn't with me,"
No matter how someone defines it feels it; love is the everlasting truth in the history of mankind. Its kind, it's enduring, and it celebrates the truth seeking over evil.
Jesse is Satan so I guess my Prince just hasn't come yet…
