One of two more tonight. Stay tuned!
28. Making it work
The shift went by in a rush. They did catch a case together and worked professionally as always. Both being so passionate, almost obsessive about their jobs, there was no doubt anyway that it would work.
But as they stood in the lab, close to morning, going over their dumbster case one last time, the room suddenly seemed too small, yet not for any assumed reason.
"I hate these cases. When everything you find doesn't bring you even an inch forward, no suspect, we couldn't even find the murder weapon. This one is going to disappear among hundreds, thousands of other boxes. Another cold case. Another girl whose friends and family will always wonder what really happened."
Sara leaned heavy on her arms, hands gripping the edge of the layout table so strongly that her knuckles turned white. She dipped her head to both sides and joints snapped as she watched Eli sort the pictures into a folder containing the reports and carefully putting what little evidence she had found into a uniform box. They didn't look at each other. Eli sealed the lid and scribbled down the case details on the outside.
"Sar, what do you usually do after cases you can't solve or ones that affect you in any way. How do you handle domestic violence these days? Or rape? It is after all an almost everyday occurrence. In every rapist I ever had in an interrogation room, I see his face. Back when I was a rookie on my first rape case, I pulled the suspect on the lapels of his shirt over the table. He had his hands cuffed on his back and he weighed roughly 200 pounds. Under my hands he was weightless, I was so angry. My boss dragged me out into the hallway and yelled at me until I broke down and told him my story. I was unofficially suspended for three days, but he fortunately didn't put it on my permanent record, forced me to take vacation days. I beat the crap out of the punching bag in the gym that night, until I couldn't move, couldn't stand, couldn't even lift my arms anymore to raise the water bottle to my mouth. Leonard practically had to carry me home. I tried to distance myself from it, but that threatened to make me a less good cop. So I learned to face it head on, I had a fucking solve rate from heaven."
Eli looked up and tried to catch Sara's gaze.
"That day haunts me, Sara, and I can only imagine what you sometimes must go through. Apart from Len, I've never told anyone about it. Even the Captain I only told that a friend of mine had gone through the same the victim at that time had. I didn't tell him about the suicide. I'll carry that around with me for the rest of my life. Every time I'm late to meet someone, a thousand horrific scenarios run through my head. I'm as much damaged goods as you are. I can live with your burden, I know it and I'm more than prepared. Prepared to hold you and chase those ghosts away, make you feel as safe as possible. Will you be able to live with my ghosts? Can you take it when I wake up screaming Claire's name? Seeing you're disgusted expression as you arrived at the changing room because that image used to follow me in my dreams. Are you able to face that?"
The last residing anger melted with deep sorrow as Sara watched the pained expression in Eli's eyes. She'd had kind of an idea just how much Eli too had suffered through from what Leonard had told her, what Eli had said so far, but she hadn't suspected it went that deep.
"I cannot promise you it will be easy. I can't promise you that I won't still get angry sometimes. I'm not as prepared as you are, but I'm going to try. I'll be there. I won't forget what I told you out in the desert."
They gave each other the only reassurance that was possible within a lab with glass walls. Eli pushed the box aside and settled her hand on Sara's.
"Waves, I've come a long way. And everything I felt led back to you. And I'm so unbelievably thankful for this."
She squeezed Sara's hand.
"Let's go and store this away. We have a date and I wouldn't want to be late."
Eli let go of Sara's hand and they shared a small smile as Eli lifted the box off the table and carried it away.
"So, who wants to hear some good news?"
They sat in a booth in Catherine's favourite diner, steaming food in front of them, the bright morning sun shining through the stained windows.
Leonard eyed Catherine, who just had a mouthful of pancake and winked at her. His own bacon, sausages, and scrambled eggs had remained untouched yet and he almost burst with excitement.
Sara waited interested and Eli chuckled to herself as she stapled pieces of french toast onto her fork.
Leonard lifted Catherine's hand avec fork to his mouth and kissed the back of it. She swallowed hastily and withdrew her hand, just to put the piece of cutlery down and catch Leonard's chin with her now free hand and drag him in for a quick kiss.
"Spill it, boy, it's obviously got something to do with me, so I wanna know!"
"Whoa, you're allowed to call him that?" Eli was glad she didn't have the sip of her coffee she was about to take already in her mouth. She cocked her head and smirked at Leonard. "She calls you boy?"
Leonard shook his head and wiped the comment with a leisurely gesture away.
"I have signed a contract yesterday. Huge thing. And my client pays me a lot of money to make me personally come to Vegas for every single assignment. Which means, my lovely, I'll be spending a lot more time here then you might be able to stand."
"That's great, Len!" Eli commented happily.
"Yeah, you're client had great timing, Leonard." Sara smiled broadly, amused at seeing Leonard in such childlike glee and Catherine so very much- well, in love. It suited her. It had smoothed the edges and wrinkles that had lately shown on her appearance. She looked younger, more relaxed. She wondered if falling in love with Eli had changed her, too. She definitely felt different, elated, calmer, though permanently giddy. Some of the tension she had carried around for much too long had left her body and just the feeling of Eli's thigh leaning against to her own left her wishing for more contact and quickened her heartbeat.
Catherine couldn't really believe what Leonard had been saying. She had been wracking her brain over the long-distance aspect of their shared future and other than Leonard spending his weekends in Vegas when she most likely had to work anyway she'd come up with next to nothing. That was just fantastic!
"Leonard, that's incredible. That'll make everything so much easier. And I can stand having you around every single day if it was up to me." She exclaimed finally.
Leonard still grinned kinda stupidly.
"But Cath, that means there's even more to do in the next couple of days. I have to go apartment hunting. Just when I thought we could use the time we get to spend alone for something more exciting."
"There'll be time left, I'll make sure of that." Catherine countered and smirked before she kissed Leonard again, just PG enough for a place that public.
"Guys, you are really lucky. And did I already mention how good you look together? I knew it from the day the two of you met."
Sara nodded at Eli's words.
"Yeah, you really do make a great couple."
Cath smiled.
"The two of you do, too. I'm so glad you finally figured it out. With all I know about you, you complete each other."
Eli looked at Sara, who raised one eyebrow and stared back.
"Do we, Waves?"
"I don't know yet. But we'll figure it out, just like everything else."
With a convinced look, Leonard added quietly:
"You will."
The rest of their breakfast conversation revolved around the details of Leonard's contract, his specifications for the flat he needed to find and telling Sara the story how Eli had found Catherine in her kitchen the other morning, which ended in annoying the other customers with the fit of laughter they all broke into.
The bass vibrated through her body and she tried to stay in synch with the beat of the indie-electro song, her body one of hundreds among a crowd of swaying and shuffling people. The loose fitting shirt started to cling to her sweaty back, but she didn't care. Didn't care that she had abandoned her usual self-restraint, danced carelessly and free, her worries partly drowned in one too many JBs. Stares she normally would not have allowed anymore, reminders of other parties years ago, followed her from the bar to the dance floor and back and she felt alive, needed to feel wanted today, even though she couldn't care any less about any of the people, mal e or female, that hid behind those hungry glances. She felt a hand brushing against her arm and brown, distanced and pained eyes held an unspoken plea for her to join them for another drink at the bar.
She decided to better mix the next bourbon shot with some coke and balancing their drinks through the masses, they looked for a quieter spot in the back of the club. Spotlights sped over dark violet walls, the tune had changed into something more mellow and melodic and the overstuffed lounge chairs were frighteningly inviting, so she sank into one, threw her leg over the armrest, tilted her head back and exhaled.
With increasing difficulty she tried to focus her opponent, who looked just as devastated and beat as she felt herself. There was no comfort in their common state, just the awareness that some days should better never have begun at all. Some days you better went with your gut and stayed in bed.
"Man, I'm completely wasted." Stated a soft, but slightly raspy with more than just physical exhaustion male voice.
She cracked one eye open and chuckled sarcastically.
"Wasn't that the reason for us to come here today? To dance that fuckin' day away and get trashed?"
"Sure. But I actually feel worse if that's even possible. What do you think the others are doing?"
Do I really want to know that? Eli asked herself, wondering how the hell she was supposed to ever get out of these cushions again, or even home. She looked down on herself and mused over when all these buttons had unbuttoned themselves. Greg could easily see the edges of her black silk bra and though she knew it didn't matter because he didn't look, she no longer wondered about the lingering glances others had given her. She knew she looked as fuckin' sexy as had been possible after a 32 hour shift marathon from hell.
"Greggo, I don't want to know."
For the first time tonight, he really looked at her.
"Why aren't you with Sara?" He asked thoughtfully.
"Don't go there, mate. I'm here, I'm with you and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world. This is what I needed." She growled and closed her eyes again.
"I'm just sayin'. I'm worried about her and I know she shouldn't be alone tonight, none of us should. Least of all now that she's got you. If I had someone that close to me, I'd either cry right now or bang the hell out of them until I fall sleep and forget what I've seen."
Eli felt a sharp pain tugging at her heart. Blood spatter covering the walls. Too young eyes to have witnessed and suffered such brutality staring blindly into nothingness in a forever horrified last expression. Wearing shaggy and dirty clothes. Looking way too thin and worn out. Sara bended over their little bodies, the flashlight lightening up the cold and poorly furnitured room for fractions of a second at a time, bathing her clammed up, stoic professional expression in harsh, violent snap shots. Hours and hours of collecting evidence, uncovering the secrets of a perverted household, Greg out in the backyard, kicking the rusty frame of a long unused swing set hard, face contorted in stunned, wordless ire. The coroner's assistants carrying the body bags into the waiting van, three so small, one big.
Sara, eyes deep in their sockets and expression vacant and defensive, walking backwards away from her under the too bright fluorescent light in the hallway of the lab, somewhere between the layout room of horrors and the locker room, hands raised in a clear 'Leave me the fuck alone' gesture. Causing mind-numbing pain, repulsion, anger and such a deep helpless care that Eli's heart skipped several beats before falling into a slow normal rhythm again. Nick slamming his locker door shut with all his might, as close to tears as she'd ever seen him, through the open door. Grissom ordering the half of his team working this case finally home, dark rings under his calm eyes, watching his CSIs suffer through this ordeal. They all have had that kind of cases before, made it through, reveled in the small satisfaction to pin the creeps who did things like that with every last tiny piece of evidence to be found, then sleep, party, drink the bitter aftertaste away and start again with a different assignment. But no matter how long you've been on the job, how much you've already seen, if you care and after all you always should or quit the second you notice you don't anymore, some pictures rattle even the most solid of cages.
Calling Sara on her cell, once, twice, half a dozen times, each call instantly answered by the voice mail. Too tired to finish typing the scrabble from her notepad into the system. Sofia's hand on her shoulder, warm, familiar, but not soothing. The compassion in her eyes, the silent questions, too much. Texting Greg: 'Meet me at the Grit in an hour, let's forget for the rest of tonight'. Sitting here, nothing is better, all is worse, and him saying what he said.
Eli was too drunk to be kind.
"We're not fucking yet, Dude! And I'd never use her like that."
Greg lifts his hands, unconsciously mimicking Sara's earlier move.
"Hey, I just don't understand. I'm really glad to be here, I couldn't sleep yet anyway, but you should be with her, not babying me. Man, I see the love. I fuckin' care about Sara. And you. Stop being stupid. Don't let yourself be pushed away. What are you so fuckin' afraid of?"
"I try to respect her boundaries. When she says she wants to be left alone, I'm not going to impose myself. Hell, we kiss, we talk, we spend our free time together, but we haven't even slept together yet. As in sleep!" Eli added, seeing Greg's drunken thoughts slip away just a bit.
"Get your mind out of the gutter."
"Then this is the night, Eli." He said with quiet conviction. Eli pondered his sureness and his serious expression.
"I've seen Sara during cases like that. She goes home, has a few drinks and as far as I'm concerned lies awake until she passes out from exhaustion for a few hours, then comes back to the lab and works some more, until it's over. Just go there. Don't let her argue, let her pout, scream, kick. It's your job now, you're the girlfriend."
Astonished at his wits in this state, Eli stood up, shaking a bit and dragged Greg up from his seat, hugging him tightly.
"Greggo, you're a good man. And I mean man. Never forget that. Get home safely."
Returning the embrace, Eli feels Greg tremble lightly. She would definitely call him in the mornign to make sure he was okay.
"Bye, Greg. And thanks."
"Good night, hardcore Detective Trent. Take care of you - both."
Walking up and down on the corridor in front of Sara's apartment door, Eli lost her nerves. They'd been dating for a month now. Every time the tension built up, one of their cells had rung. A week of hard cases turned into a fortnight of double shifts and tired kisses after breakfast, before each of them headed home to catch up on some much needed sleep. Leonard had flown back to San Francisco, leaving behind a giddy Catherine who looked forward to his next assignment here in Vegas and an empty apartment Eli had promised to paint before he came back. She had managed one room so far. They had found the time to work on the Impala once or twice, forgetting about the time, wildly, heatedly kissing in the garage, eating take-out on the oil-stained floor between power tools and car parts. It was little, but it was something. They were happy so far. No rushing, no demands, call it seizing the moments.
But this was different. Those were her demons come lurking around, woken by this case. And though Eli knew, though they had said to be there for each other, she had pushed her away. Retreated. Denied Eli the chance to do what she was prepared to do. But she wouldn't allow her to.
Finally she knocked. Sara opened the door after long moments without even asking. Still in her streetclothes, she looked haggard and she was almost as drunk as Eli was.
"What do you want?" She asked harshly.
Words, where were the words when she needed them the most? She had always been good with words, superb even. She didn't answer, but pushed her way past Sara and into the dimly lit living room.
Sara sighed and closed the door carelessly.
"Eli, you're drunk and I'm not really sober either. This is not a good combination. I thought I made myself clear earlier." She drawled out, facing a intimidated looking, but determined Eli head on. "Say what you need to say and then leave." Sara spit out.
"I won't leave. I said I'd be there and I will. Don't exclude me, don't do that, push me away like that."
Before Sara could answer, Eli took the beer out of her hand and gently pushed her into the direction of the bedroom. She met the resistance she'd anticipated.
Sara tried to pry her hands off her arms.
"Don't! Get the hell out of here! I can't be with you now, I don't know how. Just let go!"
"I'll show you how, I'm not afraid of your anger, your pain. You got to trust me that I'd never hurt you. I'm not leaving you alone. I know what's happening, I know, Sara! I'm the only one who does. Hit me, shove me into the wall, I'm not going anywhere. I love that part of you just as much as the woman who smiles at me with grease smudges on her face or the one who kisses me senseless in a parking lot after breakfast, in broad daylight. If you want me, trust me that I do. I do!"
Sara just stared at her blinkingly, let herself be dragged backwards.
Coming to a halt at the end of Sara's unmade bed, Eli let her head fall down.
"Love, where are your sleep shirts?"
Sara pointed limply at a drawer. Why did she let her do this? She wanted to be alone, she didn't need Eli's pity, trying to take care of her. But as Eli threw two shirts onto the mattress behind Sara and walked back to her, standing too close to not look her in the eye, she saw was the same thing she had seen the night she had told her about everything. And she saw more. Distant tears, coming from the same place her unshed ones originated. And sorrow and a loving warmth so deep that she didn't object anymore as Eli started to undress herself, mere inches in front of her. Shoes and socks first, her glance urging her to do the same. And without hesitating, she followed suit. While they undressed, their eyes never left each other's. As thick as the tension between them had been on other days, there was nothing sexual about this, just a strange, comforting intimacy. Sara slipped into the smaller shirt Eli had picked out, while Eli wriggled into the bigger one. In shirt and her boxers, Eli climbed into Sara's bed, as if it was the most normal thing, something she did every day. Lifting the covers, she motioned Sara to join her, and she did.
They lay face to face, a tenderness and thankfulness in Eli's glance that made breathing hard for Sara.
"I didn't want to be alone tonight. I want to be with you, I want you to want to be with me even when you don't."
And she edged closer and kissed Sara gently.
"Come here." She whispered, pulled Sara into the welcoming cocoon of her arms, letting her head rest under her chin.
"Sleep now."
Their legs entangled under the blanket and Sara slung her arm over Eli's stomach, her deep and steady breaths calming her. She'd never thought it could be that easy. Letting go. Quietly she started sobbing and Eli held her closer, stroking her hair, wiping the tears away, furiously trying to blink away the moisture in her own eyes and humming under her breath despite the lump in her throat. The low tone reverberated through Sara's body and utterly exhausted, she drifted into sleep.
Eli woke disorientated. Her head throbbed painfully and she tried to wet her dry and clingy lips, but her mouth was dry and felt cottony. An unfamiliar weight rested on her and her right arm was pinned and tingled relentlessly. She turned her head and caught sight of Sara's face, still asleep, with a slight frown creasing her forehead, strand hairs fanned out over her cheek. She was half lying on top of her and what hadn't mattered last night spread through Eli like a drug making its way through the body's system. The feel of a smooth naked leg resting between her own, Sara's breast pressed by her body weight into her chest, the hand still lying on her stomach, the soft breath along her jaw. Heat ran through her and arousal settled in her lower abdomen. With her left hand she brushed the hair out of Sara's face and caressed her cheeks. The frown faded slowly and gave way for a more relaxed expression. She was beautiful.
Sara stirred and her leg brushed over Eli in a way too comfortable manner. She held her breath and tried not to think about that leg reaching just an inch higher. Sara's low moan while slowly coming to just kept on heightening her awareness of a closeness they hadn't yet shared and her unmistakable reaction to it.
Sara's eyes fluttered open and Eli saw the comprehension of their situation dawn on her. She closed her eyes again and muttered.
"Mornin'."
"Morning, sleepyhead." Eli said smilingly.
Sara cuddled even closer into Eli and her lips found Eli's cheekbone.
"'tis feels right." Sara mumbled onto her skin. "Though I really didn't want you coming here last night."
"I know, that's why I came. It's me, since when do I do what you want me to?"
Sara opened her eyes fully and rolled herself completely on Eli, who groaned and pressed her eyes shut, trying to ignore the surging desire.
"I suppose I needed a reminder that I'm not alone anymore."
"You sure did." Eli ground out.
"Are you always that cocky when you've just woken up?" Sara asked teasingly.
"Only when I wake up lying under you."
Sara smirked and for a moment she forgot what had taken place over the last two days. This was too tempting. She slipped her leg between Eli's, moved it up just the fraction of an inch and reveled in Eli's instant reaction, the shudder that went through her whole body and the tiny bucking of her hips all the reward she'd wanted.
"So you like that?"
"Almost too much." Putty. She was putty in her hands, beneath her. Sara dipped her head down and her mouth found Eli's. Seconds later Eli's hand was behind Sara's head and their tongues fought for even more, deeper intimate contact. Knowing that Eli could stand it and not feel crushed, Sara rested her full weight on the other woman and ran her hand up Eli's sides. A violent tremor answered her ministrations and she smiled into the kiss.
Moving off Eli again, curling up at her side, she wondered.
"Is this how it's going to be? Waking up beside you?"
Eli faced her and kissed her forehead, her nose and her lips again.
"Every day, if you want it."
As they sat on the couch, sipping their coffees, the reality of their upcoming shift gripped them again.
"I got to get home, shower and change. It's going to be another long day." Eli ran her hand through her hair. "How are you?"
"Honestly?" Sara knitted her brows looking at Eli, who was standing up.
"Of course."
"Crappy. But at least I could sleep. Thanks to you. And you?"
Eli shook her head.
"I'm never going to get those pictures out of my mind. It actually is my most gruesome case to date. I've never dealt with a recklessness and brutality like that before. I'm surprised Brass lets me work this. I didn't know whether I was ready for sick stuff like that, and I'm not. The guy just sat there and shrugged his shoulders. He didn't say a word and he won't today. I'm usually not a supporter of death row, but that just might have changed."
"And he will get it. He did it and we've got more than enough to prove it. He doesn't need to confess."
"Greg called me hardcore Detective last night. He was drunk. Geez, I wanted to call him and make sure he's slept."
"So you've been with Greg? I bet he needed that. Let me guess, thumping music, fancy club, lots of zombies?"
Eli held her head and hoped for the aspirin to take effect soon.
"Yeah. Lots of JB for me. He looked so empty. But he worried almost as much about you as I did. I needed the distraction, but in the end I needed you."
Sara pushed herself off the armchair und embraced Eli.
"I thought you'd thought that I needed you... I'll try to not push you away again. Give me a little time to get used to this."
"I needed you just as much..." Eli mumbled into a kiss.
"See you later?" Sara asked as they broke apart and Eli picked up her discarded jacket.
"I'm gonna come by and snatch some of Greg's coffee."
She nipped at Sara's neck one last time and brought her mouth close to her ear.
"Thanks for letting me stay."
