Chapter 28. Promises and Failures
The visit of the Student Council members is a welcome break. In part, it's because they now know Milly, Shirley and the others are safe. C.C. managed to look them over, both before their conversation, and during it, when Rolo stopped time, and she's guaranteed that their minds are free from any interference from V.V. And while that is definitely a relief, the visit has also brought a fresh dose of normality that strangely helps.
Sometimes, Suzaku forgets that people outside the Black Knights do care about them. Their lives have become so entangled in world politics that the simplicity of Ashford seems... trivial. But after today, Suzaku desperately wishes he were just another student like the others, and he could rejoin them at the school, with Lelouch and Nunnally. C.C. could always hunt around for pizza while they're at class.
That's not possible, of course. He does know that in their past lifetime, the remaining members of the Student Council mourned Lelouch. It wasn't just Kallen either. He'd actually spotted Milly at Lelouch's crypt in Pendragon a few times, and during Nunnally's few visits to Japan, Rivalz's grief was fairly obvious. Like in the case of the Black Knights, none of them can truly understand, but their kindness soothes him somewhat and it does seem to calm Lelouch too. When they go back to their shared quarters, the atmosphere is a little less strained than earlier.
It's not like Suzaku has forgotten what he almost did earlier. If nothing else, the way the Black Knights chased after him is a clear reminder that they may distrust him now. But still... Maybe, he can cling to this moment and not think about all that, just for a bit.
He ends up leaning against Lelouch's shoulder, absently playing with Arthur while C.C. and Lelouch work on their computers. C.C. is wrapping up the list of the known abilities of Geass users, while Lelouch is setting up something for the medical file the Black Knights apparently want from them. For a while, Suzaku just enjoys the silence, Lelouch's warmth, the knowledge that they're all safe.
But he's never been great with inactivity, and before long, he ends up offering the occasional suggestion for Lelouch, especially for his own file.
He doesn't have any practical experience with torture—thank God for that much, at least—but he is very well trained in various types of combat, has heard far too many stories from the Vampire of Britannia and was the unfortunate recipient of numerous assassination attempts. Not to mention that, despite not actually being a test subject, his time as an Honorary wasn't pleasant.
Lelouch builds his file heavily around mind wipes and torture methods like electrocution and sensory deprevation. He also includes the chest trauma and an eyesight sensitivity, presumably leftover from the experiments. Should the Black Knights ever wonder why Lelouch doesn't have a stab scar, they can always say it was cosmetically removed before they were sent to Ashford. Since Suzaku has a greater physical resilience and now, an advanced healing factor, his list contains a lot more physical injuries, including, among other things, the use of unknown substances meant to leave his body and mind more vulnerable.
They take a brief look at C.C.'s medical file, then promptly seal it. Unlike theirs, her details are real and they don't want to read about C.C. being burned alive, repeatedly killed, vivisected and had organs harvested for experimentation. The only thing they add, upon consulting C.C., is a lingering problem of sterility. C.C. isn't actually sure if it's a problem she had before, or if it's because of her code, but it's still something that needs to be noted.
They leave most of her data and Rolo's alone, just making sure the files don't contain anything that will contradict their story. They also put something together for Jeremiah, since now that the Black Knights have been informed of V.V.'s existence, Lelouch aims to eventually bring the Knight of Orange on board.
Finally, they put together a briefer, less elaborate version of the medical files. Lelouch wants to send the main one to Tohdoh, Diethard and Rakshata, and save the less gruesome one for the others, should it be necessary. He will probably not give it to them at all. There's no point in taking things to extremes. It would be problematic if the Black Knights suddenly decided Lelouch wasn't competent to be a leader because of the damage done to him. Stirring sympathy is all well and good, but they need to be careful to not take it too far.
Once they finish, C.C. sends off her own document and solemnly declares. "Lelouch. You are cooking me pizza. Suzaku will help."
"You know, witch, I haven't actually made pizza before," Lelouch half-heartedly protests.
"Nonsense," C.C. tells him. "I'm sure you'll do great."
Lelouch sighs, resigned to obey her, and Suzaku falls in line with him. He's not as good of a cook as Lelouch, but he's chopped more potatoes than half of his unit and he's always been very good with his hands. If nothing else, he can help with preparing the ingredients.
Naturally, the witch just curls on a chair with Cheese-kun and watches them work. "You know, you could help us too," Lelouch mumbles as he works on the batter.
"What would be the fun in that?" C.C. asks, poking the toy's hat. "I prefer to observe."
She also prefers to steal the occasional bite of batter and she keeps getting in their way as they move around the kitchen, but nobody minds.
They don't talk about anything work-related or involving the Black Knights in any way. And Suzaku knows that this is actually pretty crazy and irresponsible, that normally, leaders of terrorist organizations wouldn't randomly take breaks to cook pizza. If Lelouch is doing it now, it's for his sake, and he's grateful.
He doesn't have the words to say it, so instead, he throws all caution to the wind and starts a flour battle. They all end up a mess, even dirtier than Lelouch's personal kitchen—which is a minor miracle really. There's flour, ketchup and batter all over them, but the pizza is in the oven and Suzaku feels so very alive.
After, they sit on the floor in the middle of the kitchen, curling together in a pile with the witch on top of them. "I'm sorry," Suzaku whispers to Lelouch. "For attacking you."
Lelouch pokes him in the chest. "Don't be ridiculous, Suzaku. It wasn't your fault."
"I know that. But still, I'm sorry. For this time, and every other time. Before."
He isn't sure he's actually apologized to his emperor. He apologized in front of his grave, but that doesn't count.
"Suzaku... We've all hurt one another a lot." Lelouch clenches his jaw, his eyes flaring bright with decision. "But that's why we're all here now, right? To fix that. And..." His expression turns hazy, almost distant. "As much as it hurts, as much as I hate some of the things that I did, I think now that I wouldn't change them. Because it brought us to this moment."
The concept should be shocking, but after a few moments, Suzaku realizes Lelouch has a point. Suzaku will always regret some of the things he's done, with the Requiem being at the top of the list. He will never forget the scent of Lelouch's blood as he stabbed his emperor clean through the chest.
But... The person he was before, at this point in his past lifetime... He wasn't Lelouch's knight then. He is now, and he's proud of it. Lelouch is happy now in a way he never was before. His fire is back. His smiles are real. He believes. He has a better, more honest relationship with Nunnally. And C.C... C.C. is no longer the person who used Lelouch like a tool. She no longer wants to die.
Sure, it would have been better if they'd managed to bond like this the first time around, but since that wasn't possible, this option is the best. Yes, Lelouch is right. Everything they did before was worth it, for the sake of what they have now.
Despite this realization, though, Suzaku can't help but be wary. "Yes, but... What if... What if I attack you again... So many things have been happening... Like before."
"You mean Rolo attacking Shirley. The explosion in Pendragon. Clara Lanfranc."
Suzaku nods. Of course Lelouch couldn't have missed it, couldn't have missed the similarities between what is happening in this timeline and what happened before.
"Suzaku, I don't believe in fate. If I did, I never would have told God to not stop the march of time."
"And I wouldn't have asked the Dimensional Supervisor to turn it back," C.C. says. "The most important thing right now is not that you attacked Lelouch in the past. It's that you didn't actually do it today. You beat it. You beat her. We're better now, better than we were.
"Some things won't change, that's true. Life is about a series of choices, and other people may make the same ones they did before. We can't affect everything. But we've already made a difference. You know, Rolo didn't make use of Lelouch's Geass to not attack Shirley. He just did it naturally."
Suzaku pretty much guessed that, since Rolo didn't even pull his knife on Shirley. Lelouch seems to have been aware of it too. But then, he never would have sent Rolo with Kallen if he didn't have at least some faith in his little brother.
"And really..." Lelouch says. "Who would have ever said C.C. is 'the heart' of our little trio?"
"Shirley, apparently. But maybe we can share," Suzaku teases them with a smile. "These days, you're not as scrawny as you used to be and I'm not that much of an idiot, so it's not so clear cut."
C.C. rolls her eyes at them. "You're always going to be idiots. Both of you."
Suzaku would be insulted if the comment came from anyone but C.C. He knows she means it fondly.
They can't say words like "I love you" as easy as Milly and Shirley, but they don't have to. This works for them.
They drag themselves off the floor and stumble into the shower. The hot water feels nice on their tired bodies, but predictably, the bath soon turns into far more. Feeling C.C.'s breasts against his chest, Lelouch's mouth against his neck, their hands on him... It's a gift.
Suzaku genuinely doesn't know what he's done to deserve this, but he embraces it wholeheartedly.
Two orgasms later, they stumble out of the bath, just in time to rescue their pizza. They're in the middle of having dinner when a knock sounds at the door.
Suzaku gets up and opens it. Lelouch doesn't bother to put on his mask. Anyone who would come here at this hour would have already seen his face.
Their guests turn out to be Sugiyama and Inoue, and they have a cart with a few covered plates. "Hi," Inoue says. "I hope we're not interrupting anything. We wanted to bring you some dinner. We thought that maybe you haven't eaten."
"Oh," Suzaku says, somewhat befuddled by their gesture. "That's nice. You didn't have to. We actually... cooked."
"The more pizza the merrier," C.C. calls out from the living room. "Come on in."
Suzaku steps aside and the two Black Knights enter the room, pushing along their cart. They seem a bit uncertain, and Suzaku doesn't blame them. It's the first time they've been here when Lelouch actually has his mask off, and they're still getting used to seeing his face.
"We can trade," C.C. says. "I'm curious whose pizza is better."
"I didn't know you could cook," Sugiyama comments as he starts unloading the plates.
C.C. eyes him balefully, as if offended at the implication that she was the one to do the cooking. It's probably unreasonable, since Suzaku is pretty sure Sugiyama is the one who made the pizza they brought to begin with.
"Lelouch was actually the chef," he says before C.C. can do anything regrettable. "I just helped and C.C... offered suggestions."
"Zero can cook?" Inoue asks.
"He's excellent at it," Suzaku replies. "Too bad he doesn't have more time to do it. He made an exception today. For... therapeutic purposes."
That would have probably made things awkward, since it was a reminder of every bad event that happened today. But C.C. has already directed her attention to the pizza, so Sugiyama and Inoue do the same. "This is... really good," Inoue says as she takes a bite.
"It's actually the first time I ever made pizza," Lelouch admits. "I'm pretty surprised it turned out... edible. Or at least to C.C.'s standards."
"Mmm. I'm sure you can practice more when you have the time."
Lelouch shakes his head, taking a slice from one of the plates for himself then pushing the rest in C.C.'s direction. He knows she and Suzaku need more food than him.
When he's done, he wipes his hands off the crumbs, looking as regal and elegant as always. "Did you get the chance to look over the information C.C. sent?" he asks the two Black Knights.
Inoue fidgets in discomfort. "Yes. We went over it. I won't lie, it's pretty intimidating."
"I realize that, Inoue. It's part of the reason why I wanted to be honest with you." He purses his lips. "In any case, as you can probably imagine, I'm making preparations for our new operation as we speak. Once I receive some extra information I'm waiting for, we'll be making our move against V.V. In the meantime, you should go get some rest. It's been a long day."
"Of course, Zero."
Sugiyama coughs lightly. "Before we go... There was... actually something else. Diethard said he was going to talk to you, but while we're here... If we could maybe ask..."
"Yes, what is it?"
"We realize it's a little intrusive," Inoue says, "but we're concerned about any lingering injuries that may have persisted due to your... treatment at Britannia's hands. We were hoping you could provide a file with... some details?"
She flinches as she finishes the phrase. Obviously, she's not comfortable at all with asking the question.
Lelouch just nods, his face set in a calm expression that could mean anything at all. "Yes, of course. We'll work on that tonight."
"You don't have to... I mean... Maybe... Not now?"
"We'll be fine," C.C. tells him calmly. "It's not like typing a document about what happened can be more unpleasant than actually living through it."
"Besides, it's a good idea to stay busy while we wait for news," Suzaku adds. "Don't worry so much. We can handle it."
Inoue stares at him. Suzaku knows what they're thinking. How can he even be upright when he was just the recepient of a mental attack that almost made him kill Lelouch?
The thing is... In a twisted way, this is familiar territory for Suzaku. He remembers very well how it felt like to actually hurt his emperor.
Back then, the only refuge he had was the mask and his emperor's last wishes, when he used Zero's sword to both punish himself and feel Lelouch closer. But C.C.'s plan changed that, and they have a new chance. He refuses to waste it. And like his lovers said, it's not what he almost did that counts—it's the fact that he didn't do it.
He will not break. He must remain his emperor's sword, and he will not allow himself to crack, not now, not ever.
The pendant around his neck is a promise. The three of them have a future, and for that future, he will fight.
Besides, this new operation of Lelouch's sounds promising. Lelouch always did come up with the best ideas while he was cooking.
Late that night, Tohdoh receives an email from Zero.
Tohdoh,
As per the Black Knights' request, I have prepared medical files for all the people involved in the matter we discussed. Attached, please find the documents in question.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am also sending you additional data I acquired during my search for Rolo. This is data from a secondary server, so it does not contain any details of the experiments done on me and Suzaku, but that doesn't mean it is pleasant.
The files tagged as Code R are all focused on C.C. The files tagged as RH are Rolo's.
You will notice also notice a file named Project Orange. It may be wiser to view that one than anything from the others. The subject matter is Jeremiah Gottwald. With everything that's been happening, I didn't get the chance to mention him too, but he was also a target of the experimentation. He was very loyal to my mother and attempted to investigate her murder, thus drawing V.V.'s attention. The consequences were most unfortunate for him. The experimentation gave him a level of immunity to all outside Geasses, but it also did a great deal of physical damage.
Orange is currently acting as my sister's guard and my agent in special missions. You probably noticed him in the video with Tianzi's capture and he will be involved in dealing with V.V. in the future. We'll talk more about it as a group, in the morning.
This content is for your eyes only. I will also send everything to Rakshata and Diethard. The others will only be notified of our enduring injuries. There is no reason to upset them further.
Should you arrive sooner than me on deck, you have my authorization to notify Kaguya about these developments.
Zero
As Zero stated, there are several archives attached to the email, and they contains a group of files. Some are documents. Other are videos.
He doesn't go to the Project Orange file. Instead, he picks the Code R one. Almost immediately, he wishes he hadn't.
He is unable to watch the entirety of it. He throws up halfway through it, comes back to the computer and reads through the Word documents. It doesn't help at all.
It was indeed C.C. on the video. She was the one to suffer through such monstrous acts. And while he feels grief for her, one of the attached documents details the acts that Suzaku went through, and it's all too easy to imagine him in her place.
A few hours later, when Chiba knocks at his door, he lets her in. When she gives him a concerned look and offers him comfort, he doesn't turn her away.
Tomorrow, he will be capable to follow Zero's orders like before. But tonight, his strength has left him.
How was this possible? How could he have failed so badly?
