So I'm the absolute worst. Life got hella complicated when I got back to work after the Christmas holiday and I'm only just now finding my footing again. I truly am sorry this has taken so long and I'm even more sorry that this chapter isn't even 2K words...it just really ruined the pacing for this to be part of the next chapter. Maybe go back and read the two chapters before this one to remind yourself of where we left off?
The first day of travel took Michael and Charlotte's caravan to Richmond. The next day the horses managed to last a few more hours on the road, spending the night in the rather bustling new settlement of Occoquan. The time spent on the road passed in silence. Each deliberate stop found Michael encouraging Charlie to talk to him but all she could manage was a forced smile and a nod of her head indicating agreement or displeasure.
Charlie's first show of true emotion came only when she believed no one was watching. Because the truth was that she didn't wish to discuss anything at all. She didn't even know what there was to discuss. Her life, or what she thought it would be, suddenly felt like an existence of pure nothingness. She was just as scared, just as lonely as she had been surrounded by British Generals at one of her parent's many fundraisers. What would she do now? How could a girl just forget the plans her heart had made?
"Charlie?"
Michael lifted his head from the makeshift pillow it rested upon. He and Charlie were given the bed of one of the carriages to lay upon while the men they traveled with agreed to sleep on the earth, showing Michael that perhaps the war had made such a thing seem like the more comfortable option. That night Michael unconsciously accepted the chill that the empty space beside him provided, doing so until that same breeze woke him up. He moved to sit up, still taking his sister in.
Charlie sat in a huddled mass pressed into the corner of the carriage. Nothing but a small shawl protected her shoulders but it didn't seem to be the cold that was bothering her. The shake of her abdomen showed a different type of chill, the one that existed down to her bones where heartbreak battled with sensibility. It also tugged at her face, painting her freckled cheeks with fresh tears.
"Charlie…" Michael tried again in assessment. He couldn't remember the last time his sister had cried and yet his once natural reaction to pull her in and comfort her seemed like the wrong one. It was as if his own heart was telling him this was something she had to do alone, or rather something she was choosing to do alone. The man she wanted was in the state of unknown and while Michael didn't like to acknowledge Ben's whereabouts, he knew it was the one thing on Charlie's mind.
"I'm sorry," she finally choked out. "I'm trying…" But her voice trailed off. It was already more than she'd given her brother in the two previous days and she was somewhat unnerved to hear her own voice so clearly. Her doubts sounded much louder in her head.
"I don't know what to say," he admitted with a small shrug.
"I don't either," she agreed, delivering the line in a daze.
He paused. "You're not crying over Father, are you?"
Charlie finally looked to him. "Please don't make me seem so pathetic that my feelings for Ben could overshadow how deeply I cared out our father, Michael."
"I only meant—"
"Am I worried about Ben? Am I worried that I've lost one man that I love and it's very possible I'm losing another?"
"It's...this is temporary, Charlie. You can find Ben—"
"I don't know if he'll be alive to find, Michael!" she shouted.
"Oh." It was insensitive but it was all he could manage.
Charlie clearly didn't want his response; she just needed to say all of the things she'd been thinking since they first left camp. Michael worried this was just one of many outbursts she'd have. His sister was never good at keeping her mouth shut and he noticed her boldness intensified when she had a Continental Major by her side.
"This wasn't easy for me," she insisted, clearly angry but calm enough to break through the quiet. "Leaving to find you didn't feel brave or adventurous. I was terrified."
"Charlie…"
"And I'm still very heartbroken over the fact that my love for you and my loyalty to you as my brother and my best friend was a choice our mother and father forced me to make."
"They didn't—"
"They did though!" she shot back, almost annoyed that he still didn't see the things she had always struggled with — things she imagined she'd struggle with again upon her return to New York. "Because I didn't have a choice, Michael. I wasn't allowed to make any choices," she emphasized. Her voice softened. "In forbidding that I made the only choice I really could. I left."
"It wasn't easy for me either, Charlotte."
"No but you were already arguing with them at that point," Charlie reasoned. "I...I don't think they had any idea how I was feeling."
"No?" Charlie was silent once more. "Why haven't we discussed this before now?"
"Because since we've been reunited you've been far too preoccupied by my relationship with Ben to acknowledge that I've made sacrifices too."
"I...I know that," he said, swallowing.
"No, you think I've made a joke of all of this and that Ben was my ultimate goal."
"I didn't...I never—"
"I actually thought I'd eventually be able to win them over. Maybe I'm sad that Father won't be able to see this life I've forged. But now it's all for nothing. He's gone and I'm alone...it's likely he passed thinking I was dead too."
"Charlie—"
"So this isn't simple," she persisted. "And I'm heartbroken because I've always been heartbroken. None of this has been easy and it's still not easy and to be honest I don't...I don't know who I'm crying over," she revealed in a brave tone. "I'm crying for myself, I suppose. I'm just sad."
"You'll...you'll see Ben again."
"Okay."
Her short and curt response had Michael closing his eyes in regret. "Charlie—"
Her eyes instantly found his again. "He's my best friend," she stated strongly. "It's important that you know that."
"I know that," he nodded.
"I'm in love with him—"
Michael smirked. "I know that too."
Charlotte sighed. "You left and I felt so alone and then I met Benjamin and I didn't feel so lonely anymore. Then you came back and he was there and life was almost perfect for a little while. I was daft to think that'd last...not only during war but…"
"Not daft," Michael dismissed. "Fanciful, perhaps, but I can't fault you for that. Even after I left I thought I could come back and somehow everything would be okay. I could have you and Alice and Mother and Father. Now who's daft?"
A silence fell over them. When Charlotte looked up once more Michael realized she was close to crying again. "We won't make it for the funeral," she acknowledged.
Michael sighed. "Perhaps not."
"I don't even know if Mother would have allowed us to sit in on it."
"What? Of course she would have, Char."
"She's so disappointed in me, Michael."
"Well then I can only imagine how angry she'll be when she sees I didn't die in the way I'm sure she hoped."
"Michael…" It was Charlie's turn to admonish.
"Listen," he tried with a sigh, somehow shifting to look at her. "Ben's not here but I will be. Then when we've settled everything we'll...I'll help you get back to him."
"That's if—"
Michael shook his head, not wanting to hear all the terrible things her mind had conjured on their journey. "I'll help you get back to him," he repeated, unwavering.
Charlie bit her lip. "What about you?"
He shrugged, even forcing a smile. "I left you once and I can do it again. Only this time I'm leaving you in good hands."
It was the blessing Charlie would never receive from her own father. If only Ben was there to hear it with her.
Review? I'd be a liar if I said my absence wasn't encouraged by the feedback I haven't been receiving.
x. Elle
