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Chapter Twenty Eight: Vicious Cycle
Nobody slept last night. The moment the sun was high enough in the sky everyone was up and going. Rick's mood had not improved since last night. He sends Glenn and Maggie on a gas run. We all wait for them to get back in a tense silence. I'm leaning against Rick's car while we all just stand and wait. Daryl is off in the woods trying to get a squirrel or something we can eat. But I doubted he would be successful, he had enough trouble trying to find game at the farm. Rick was perched up at the top of the wall where T-Dogg was at last night. I push off the car and walk over to him. I climb the wall and stand next to him.
"How are you feeling?" I ask, crossing my arms, it was cold this morning.
"Fine." He says back, nothing in his voice or stance backing up him claim.
"Why don't you tell me what you're really thinking?" I ask, looking up at him. "After that little speech you gave last night everyone is a little on edge."
"Good." He says, still not looking at me.
"Good? Rick, you scared everyone. What you said—this isn't you. You're not a dictator."
"These people don't appreciate anything I've done for them." He says, finally turning and looking at me. "I will not have my intentions questioned. Especially not by Hershel's people." He turns back to the trees. "Especially not when they've never been out here." I knew he was talking about Maggie. She had been on Rick's case since he stopped because of the gas problem, she wasn't very nice when her and Glenn left either.
"Look, I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that you cant be like this and not expect resistance. Take it back a little. They're scared." His shoulders slumped a little, but he didn't move. I squeezed his shoulder before jumping down off the wall.
"Daryl is back." Rick says. I look at where he's pointing and I'm surprised to see some squirrels slung over his shoulder.
We ate, Glenn and Maggie got back with the gas and they ate while Rick gassed up the car. We stomped out the fire and drove away from the stone structure. Rick told Daryl to head into the town so we could gather some supplies. We stopped at the cars we saw and siphoned the gas and took what we could. Some water, food, blankets, anything that we could. Lori found a thicker jacket for me and I gladly traded the smelly one for it. It was cold on the back of Daryl's bike.
We got to the town and pulled into a service station. The windows had been busted open. It had already been looted, but there were still some food items lying around. Rick and Glenn took all the car parts they could, a new jack and some tires. Daryl and I went across the street to a dollar store and we were able to find a tent and some sleeping bags and batteries. We then went house to house, stabbing walkers and stealing what we needed. Once it got dark Rick had us drive way outside of the town. We broke into a two-story house and scavenged the kitchen before the men barricaded the doors and staircases.
Daryl and I slept in the hallway while the others took the rooms. I rearranged my hair on the top of my head before I lay down. "I'm just gonna cut this stuff off. It's such a pain."
"I don't think you should. I like it longer." Daryl says, his feet dangling though the banisters in the air over what used to be a family of six's living room.
"But you're not the one who has to deal with it."
"True, but I can still have an opinion."
"That you can."
I watch Daryl most of the night. he falls asleep on accident, I was right when I had thought no one got any sleep last night. I sit and grab his shoulders, gently pushing him down on the floor. I tuck a pillow under his head and cover him up. I stole his poncho before we came in and I wrapped it around my knees. I knew I needed to sleep. I was tired enough, but I just couldn't. it didn't seem safe to sleep anymore. We wouldn't stay at the house, Rick made that clear when he kicked in the door. So I guess tomorrow would be filled with the same thing as today was.
We needed supplies. We went from having an abundance to nothing in the span of a single night. Winter was coming and it was coming fast. I wondered if the cold would do anything to the walkers. It should, considering they were human-like. Their brains were working. Maybe they could get frostbite and their limbs would fall off. Especially their feet or legs. If they couldn't walk they were less of a threat. There were pictures of the family that lived here on the wall behind me. There was a mom and dad, a little girl, two boys, and a grandfather. From the look of the room Rick, Lori, and Carl were in the grandfather was sick and was living with this family. Had he brought the thing into this house? Or had a neighbor? Or had they gotten out? I didn't know and I probably never would. I wondered if someone at this moment had broken into my house. Did they just toss Ricky's body outside?
I felt tears prickle behind my eyes and I felt furious. All I had done the past few days was cry. I was being as useless as Carol. She hadn't done anything to piss me off today, but I felt it was just a matter or time. Daryl and I had been sent on a run as soon as we got into town so she didn't have much of a chance. This was hard, but crying about it wasn't going to help anything. I wasn't going to be Carol. I needed to learn how to do more. Daryl could teach me. He really seemed to enjoy teaching me things. When he taught me how to shoot his bow, no matter how bad I was, he had a smile almost the whole time. He was in such a good mood that day at the clearing.
That's how I could help him be happy, he could teach me something. I wanted to help and be more than the cook and the laundry lady. That could be Carol's thing. Besides, she didn't want me folding closes anyway, so why should I? I never folded my clothes before the walkers; I didn't understand why I needed too now. Maybe the walkers would eat me quicker if I looked nicer.
So the night passed. I sat up and watched the sun come up through the window. Daryl started moving soon after that. I watched with a smile as he woke up. he streached out his back and it cracked as he groaned like an old man standing up. he pushed himself up on his elbows and looked at me. "Ya know, I say turning and looking at him, "Someday someone is gonna think a walker is next to them. All those noised you make."
"It happened when you get old."
"You're not old. You just don't know how to take care of yourself."
"Pretty sure I'm better at it than you."
"I don't think you're stomach would agree. Raw squirrel meat?"
"Nothing wrong with it." I make a face and look back out the window.
"You didn't sleep again did you?" He asks when he scoots over beside me.
"You feel asleep. Someone had to stay up."
"Glenn was supposed to take over."
"He was exhausted."
"So are you."
"I'll sleep at the next house." I stand up and bend forward to touch my toes, my back cracks like Daryl's did.
"Looks like I'm not the only one who doesn't take care of themselves." He says with a smug look. I smile and roll my eyes.
"I'm gonna go wake up Rick, wanna get everyone else?"
"You can get Carol and T-Dogg."
"Rock, paper, scissors you for it."
He just blinks at me. "What?"
"Rock, paper, sci-."
"I heard what you said. I just didn't think—why won't you wake them up?"
"Cause." I say, sounding like a little kid.
"That is not a reason."
"Why wont you play me for it?"
"Because it's stupid."
"You just know you're gonna lose." I say with a smile. He raises his eyebrow at me before he stands up and holds his hands out. I smile and we have our match. "2 out of 3." He nods. The first round his paper smothers my rock, the second round we are both scissors, the third round my scissors cuts his paper, and on the fourth round my rock crushes his scissors.
"Yes!" I say, my fist smacking his fingers. "Go go." I say, pointing at the door that Carol and T-Dogg are behind. "Chop chop buddy." He picks up the pillow and tosses it at me, but I quickly side-step it before going and waking up my brother.
Just like I thought, this day was just like yesterday. As was the day after that. It became a vicious cycle. Wake, travel, scavenge, travel, scavenge, sleep, and repeat. Over and over. Day after day. I lost track of how many days we did this. Daryl and I, Glenn and Maggie, Rick and T-Dogg, we were all constantly going into stores and houses, scavenging all we could. The back of Rick and Glenn's cars were full. Daryl's bike carried what it could. And that's what it was. We would never stay anywhere longer than necessary. We killed the walkers with knifes to the head. I got better at it. I know longer struggled to pull the knife free from a skull.
Each night we would break into another house. We always shoot for the multi-story houses, but some nights we slept on the roof. It was growing colder and we all seemed to grow older with it. Rick still hadn't addressed his little speech he gave, nobody dared say anything against him now. Everyone stayed quiet. He and Lori were barley speaking. In fact, last night he didn't sleep near them at all. Each day that passed he grew further and further away from my brother. And each day I grew fearful of him. What if he did what Shane did? I couldn't do to him what he did to Shane. I needed to get him to talk to me.
The sun was still high in the sky when Rick had us stop. We hadn't seen a walker at all this day, so I guess he thought it would be okay to stop moving at the moment. I stood my Daryl's bike as they broke into the house and searched it. Carl walked over to me. "Aunt Kelly? What's wrong with dad? Why is he acting this way?"
"He's stressed kid. He has a lot on his shoulders."
"He's not acting like him. He's not talking to mom."
"I know. But you have to see things from his perspective. He's in charge of all of us now. We are all his responsibility-."
"Mom and me were his first. Now he's acting like he doesn't care." I drop down to my heels and grab my nephew's hands.
"Carl, your father loved you very much. And he loved your mom too. He just hasn't figured out how to balance everything yet. It takes time. Remember when all this happened?" He nodded. "It took you a long time to get used to this life." He nodded again. "Well that's what it's gonna take for your dad. Just give him some time. And never forget he loved you. He'll never let anything happen to you. Or your mom. Understand?" I ask, to which he nods and wraps his arms around my neck. I hug him back.
My poor baby Carl. I never wanted anything like this for him. All I had wanted since the first time I held him was happiness and love. He vowed I would never let him down. I promised to always be there when he needed me. Recently I hadn't been doing that. I hadn't spent much time with him since he got well enough to move around the farm. Everything had been a mess once he was better. I pull back and reach into the side pouch on the saddle bag and pulled out a deck of cards. "When everything is all cleared out, wanna play some cards?" his face lights up and he eagerly nods. I tuck the cards into my pocket and send him to help his mom when they guys come out of the house and gives us the all clear.
We slept in the beds in shifts, and it was finally Daryl and mines turn. I haul our backpacks up the stairs and set them on the ground of the bedroom of a teenaged sports fan. There were banners and souvenirs from the Falcons and the Braves, as well as some from the High School he attended. I stripped the bed and rolled our sleeping bags across the mattress. Daryl walks through the door. "We spotted a small creek not far from the house. We're all gonna go clean up soon, before the sun goes down. Do you have the shampoo?"
"It's on the water bottle pouch of my bag." He walks over and grabs it and a change of clothes out of his bag. He sets it all on the bag.
"Rick and I are gonna go secure the house, call you when we're done and we can go." I just nod and toss the pillows on the bed.
We all clean as best we could, the freezing water making me shake and I dunked my head under again to try and get the shampoo out of my hair. A fire was made, water was boiled and bottle, dinner was cooked, and we were all a little cleaner than we had been before. I played cards with Carl like I said I would, I let him beat me almost every game. It made him happy. I wanted him happy. Then we gathered everything up and headed back to the house.
Rick and T-Dogg are set up in the hallway, Lori, Carl, and Carol in the other boy's room leaving Hershel, Beth, Maggie, and Glenn in the master bedroom. Daryl and Rick had carried a couch into the room for them. I climb onto the mattress and flop down. My body rejoicing at finally having a mattress again. Too bad it won't last. Daryl and I tacked thick blankets over the windows so we set our flashlight up on the nightstand like a lamp, casting a very dim light over the bed. I crawl under the blankets and pull them up to my chin.
"Don't smother yourself." Daryl says stuffing his socks into his boots.
"It's cold." I say, pulling his side back so he could fall back onto the bed. "Besides, if you weren't cold you would take your shirt off."
"Want me to take it off?"
"I wouldn't want you to freeze, then what would I do?"
"Go on supply runs with T-Dogg, or stay with Lori at the cars."
"Neither option is appealing." I say, snuggling up close to Daryl.
"Think you can sleep tonight?" He asks, wrapping an arm around me.
"I'll try. I did pretty good last night."
"If you keep waking up like this the next time we hit a pharmacy I'm getting you some sleeping pills."
"I'm sure it'll pass. I am doing better."
"I just want you to sleep all the way through. You're gonna crash soon if you don't."
"I wish I knew why this was happening." I say before a yawn catches in my throat.
"Go to sleep." He says, pressing a kiss to my lips before his head falls back on the pillow. His hand making the lazy circles on my back and his heart beating in my ear send me right to sleep
"You don't know what I'm able to live with!" it was dark and cold. I kept hearing Shane's voice over and over again. "Where's your gun?!" he was always yelling. But I couldn't do anything.
"You're gonna have to kill an unarmed man." He is always followed by Rick's voice. Calm and collected. "We can put this all behind us, brother."
Everything lightens, then a loud bang rips through the air, sending everything into total darkness.
Then I'm shaken awake.
Like I have been almost every night since we left the farm.
Like every night since my brother killed Shane.
"Kelly, Kelly wake up!" my eyes snap open. Daryl is above me and my chest is heaving. It takes me half a second to realize it happened again. I press my hands against my eyes. Annoyance slowly taking over the fear that's always in my gut when I wake up. I look out the window and see the first streaks of light in the sky. I almost made it a whole night.
"I'm sorry." I say, feeling horrible for interrupting his sleep. He needed it more than I did. Yet every night I kept waking him up. sometimes multiple times a night. "I don't know what's going on."
"It's alright. Same dream?" he asks, I just nod. "It'll be okay. Shane can't hurt you anymore."
"I know. I know all of that. Yet this is happening. Frankly I'm getting pissed off."
"It'll be okay-,"
"No Daryl, it wont!" I interrupt him, sitting up and slamming my fists down on the blanket. "You know why it won't? Because if I can't sleep I can function, and if I cant function then I'm useless!"
"You're not useless."
"Not yet. A few more weeks of this crap and I will be." I huff, falling back against the pillows.
I immediately feel bad when Daryl gets off the bed, I didn't mean to yell at him. I was just so tired and frustrated. I was about to shout an apology at him, but instead of leaving all he did was go over to his bag and he pulled something out of it. He then climbs back on the bed and hands me what he got from his bag. "You need a distraction."
"Are you stealing Glenn's condoms again?" I ask, waving the square under Daryl's nose.
"Nope. Got those the other day. Glenn and Maggie are good to go too." He says with a sleazy smile. I roll my eyes before wrapping my arms around him and pulling him down.
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