Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. This chapter has mention of violence and depression.

Chapter 27: You can never really come home again…

BPOV

For the time in 4 years I actually got a flight to straight through to Santa Barbara. By some miracle it was cheaper. Like I could give a shit. My flight landed at 1:00 am in the morning. I saw the Pacific as we flew in. For the first time in 4 years I didn't want to go home. At all. Charlie had been shot at a gas station by a boy who was my age, for all I knew I could have gone to grade school with the shooter. From what they told me over the phone, both the kid and Charlie had been surprised.

Charlie didn't tell me that when he arranged to stay that extra day in London, he had to be at his shift 3 hours after he landed. He had barely enough time to drop his bag and get changed. If he had told me that I would have insisted that he go but he wanted to make sure that I was ok in true Charlie fashion.

Angela, Ben, and Jasper were waiting to pick up me at the airport. Wordlessly I went over to Angela and burst into tears. You would think after 5 days of consistent crying I would be as dry as the Sahara but I seemed to have a never-ending supply of water flowing out of me.

Angela just hugged me hard, Jasper wrapping his arms around both of us. Ben stood by holding my backpack. Wordlessly, they guided me to Ben's mom's Bronco. "OJ's car, huh" Ben said, a lame attempt at humor.

I just nodded and Jazz opened the car door for me. I climbed into the back with Angela. I laid my head on her lap and she stroked my hair. "Are you sure you want to go home," Angela asked quietly, "you can stay with my parents."

"Or mine," Jasper said.

"Or mine," Ben said checking me out in the mirror.

"No," I told them, "Thank you – I just want to go to my house."

"If you're not going staying with us, I am going stay with you," she told me in her nonsense attitude, "Don't even think about saying no."

I nodded, feeling relieved. I talked a good game but I was glad I wasn't going to have to be alone. Having people you could depend on was worth more the all the money in the world. The irony was last week, I thought I was loved and cherished by my boyfriend and friends. Well I was love and cherished but wasn't by who I thought. This brought a fresh new wave of tears.

We finally pulled up to my house. It looked like a nursery had exploded here. There were flowers and candles everywhere. Normally I would have been touched but now I just felt empty and angry. Like a few goddamn roses and candles were going to bring my dad back. I had to fight the urge to jump out of the car and kick over everything.

"Shit," Jasper said, looking at all the paraphernalia on my yard, "Charlie would have hated this."

Jazz was right Charlie was a simple man and hated the fanfare. However I didn't have the energy to take the crap off. Getting out the truck, Ben popped the guardrail and grabbed 3 sleeping bags.

Looking at me he asked, "What – two girls having a sleep over? You think that Jazz and me would miss it? Especially if there is a topless pillow fight involved?"

I burst out laughing for the first time in a week. Angela just shook her head and opened the door for me and the four of us went into the kitchen. Jazz went to put a kettle of water on for me so I could have some tea. Gingerly I sat down and tried to ignore Charlie's bag by the door.

"Have you heard from Sue," Angela asked.

"No – I spoke with Leah briefly," I said, "She's pretty devastated. You know she lost her first husband?"

"Geez." Angela said, shaking her head, "that's awful."

The phone started to ring. "Who the fuck could be calling at this hour," Jazz asked, getting call, "Hello Swan residence."

Then he frowned and looked at me. "Look – she just got here and she's pretty wiped. I don't think she wants to speak with you right now. No I'm not going ask her and frankly you have a lot of nerve calling here after that stunt you and your friends pulled.," he snapped hanging up the phone.

I didn't need 3 guesses to see who that was. Well maybe two but who cared at this point. "Jesus Christ why can't he leave me alone!," I wailed.

"That was his sister actually," Jazz replied, putting my tea in front of me.

The phone rang again. "Oh for the love of all that is holy!" Angela yelled, getting up. Jazz got right out of her way. Angela was one those quiet ones you heard about. Very nice and sweet but you pissed her off – God help you.

"Swan residence," she answered tersely, "Get this straight asshole – she doesn't want to talk you or your stupid sister. She's got a lot more on her mind then a bunch of juvenile delinquents with trust funds. If you call her again – sent over anymore shit, I will personally come over to England and rip your balls off." With that she slammed down the phone.

Looking at me, she said, "I don't he'll be bothering you anytime soon."

"Thanks – I really hate them," I said, "its his fault."

"What do you mean," Jazz asked, sitting straddling in a chair.

"Charlie stayed an extra day to make sure I was okay," I explained, "If he hadn't he might still be alive."

Angela looked me very worried, "Bella – I know you're in a dark place right now but you can't blame this on Edward. As much as I would love too – Edward didn't pull the trigger."

I just shook my head, they just didn't understand, and said, "I'm going to bed." If I said anything more, I was going to say something to her that I would regret. Getting the sound of the chair scrapping the floor echoed the in the kitchen, Angie, Ben and Jasper all had the same shocked expressions on their face. Edward may have not pulled the triggered but he had caused Charlie's death. That much I knew.

BPOV

Sometime later, I felt my bed drip. Angela laid down with me. "I'm sorry – I didn't mean to upset you," she whispered.

"I know," I told her, "but Angela – he stayed to help me because Edward destroyed me."

She was silence for a minute. "I hate that you lost your hair," she told me.

"Yeah – but I'll be honest – its kinda growing on me," I said, fingering my new bob.

We both laughed at the absurdity of everything. My mother flew in the morning with Phil while I was meeting with the funeral director and Sue. Sue was a mess there was no nice way to say it. The minute she saw me she burst into tears. Leah and Jake were with her.

"Oh Bella," she wailed, "this should be for our wedding not his not his…" She couldn't finish the sentence.

I looked Leah who was trying to comfort her mother and said, "I can handle this – take her home."

She nodded, "Jake stay with Bella – I'll get my mom home." She mouthed sorry to me and got Sue out of there.

Jake took look one at me and said, "Kid – you need a beer."

I snorted and replied, "And a chaser."

He shook his head and let me into the office. "Are you sure about doing this?"

"No but it needs to be done and I need to do it," I said, sniffling a little. "He was my dad."

Jake nodded and we waited for the funeral director. He arrived and started to speak about the options I had. The experience made me sick, between choosing the site, the gravestone, and the paperwork. The minute I left the office, I threw up on the lawn. Jake just padded my back while I threw up the rest of breakfast, which wasn't much to begin with. For once I was glad my hair was gone, it would have been hell to keep out of my face. Sadly vomiting on the lawn would be the highpoint of this trip.

April 8, 1996

I stared down at the Thames River from my window seat. It had been a grueling 6 weeks and had left me numb. Charlie's death left a question about my custody. Since I wasn't 18 yet I was still minor and therefore the question remained where would I go. Normally in this type of a situation the surviving parent would have been the answer but my surviving parent lived in Florida and I went to an English boarding school. If I moved in with Renee then I couldn't take my A-levels and two years' worth of work went down the toilet.

I had a long talk with Renee and she agreed, although begrudgingly, that I could become emancipated. With my scholarship I could prove that I could take of myself and as Charlie's only surviving heir, I inherited his estate with included his life insurance policy with paid off our house and a small stipend for me. Plus I was only a few months from being 18. The lawyer agreed to start the paperwork for me. My mother called Trent and arranged correspondence work for me so I wouldn't fall behind. Given the legal ramifications, I had to stay in the States for a few more weeks while they were worked out.

The day of the funeral, a week after Charlie's death, Angela came over helped me dress and get the house ready. We had a gone a black dress the day before and she helped me get into it. I was so disconnected, I couldn't remember putting it on or getting the house together for the mourners coming over later. I had to do an eulogy for Charlie and a few people had offered to do it for me but I insisted on doing it myself. It was the only thing left I could do for my dad.

Since Charlie had died in service he was buried with full police honors. The Santa Barbara Sheriff's department arrived and acted as pall bears. I had gotten up to give my speech and could barely remember what I said. My mom had told me afterwards that there wasn't a dry eye in the house when I was done. It didn't matter to me – my father was gone. Who the fuck cared what they had to say about my dad – it wouldn't bring him back.

Everyone was worried about me and the depression I had fallen into. I could be barely eat, sleep. The guilt of having gone away to school was eating me alive. The only thing I could think about was if I had stayed home I would have had more time with him. Time that I would never get back. I used to think that I would have all the time in the world with my dad once I was done with school. Hah – what a slap in the face and a major wake up call. It made all that shit that happened in Trent seem so petty so unimportant.

When I wasn't feeling depressed, I was angry. I didn't know which is worse. The depression was bad because I could barely function. I once went a day without leaving my bed. Jasper and Angela couldn't get me out it other then to use the bathroom. Then the day came when the Cullens had set a flower arrangement to my house and no one had been able to intercept before I saw it. Apparently Edward and Alice had been sending me flowers since I got home and my friends had been hiding them from. They were right to do it because I went ballistic when I saw them. I went full on crazy. Looking at the roses that Edward had sent me with a please forgive me card it, I took them and smashed it on my walkaway and starting screaming and hitting the floor with my fists. Needless to say my neighbor, Mrs. Fox wanted to know if I needed a doctor. Jasper just got me up and took me into the kitchen.

"Bells – your wrists look like hamburger meat," he said dryly, getting the first aid kit out of the sink cabinet.

"Fuck you Jazz," I told him, tears streaming down my face.

"Sorry babe unless you want a threesome with me and Maria," he said looking me in the eye, "Bella – I love you but you can't act like that."

"Sorry – " I muttered, knowing full well that Jazz didn't do anything to deserve my wrath. It seemed to be that way everyday. I either was lying on the couch or manic scouring the house clean. There was no normalcy.

"Don't be sorry," he told me as he continued to clean my scrapes. "You're my best friend. But you need to get some help."

"I don't want to talk some shrink who is going to tell me time will heal all," I bawled, "I hate Edward – none of this would have happened if he had just left me alone."

"You don't know that sweetie," Jasper said, pulling my head into his chest, "Edward is an asshole and if I see him again he'll be eating with a spoon for the rest of his life. But he didn't shoot your dad. That prick in jail did that."

That was lowest point and while it hadn't gotten any better it at least hadn't gone worse. Sue had come over two days before I left to get anything she wanted from Charlie's. The only thing she had really wanted was their engagement folder by the bed and a couple albums of trips they had taken together. She and I had a long talk before she went back where she wished me well.

"Bella- don't be a stranger," Sue told me, cradling the box with items that she wanted from Charlie.

"For what is worth – I would have loved having you as my stepmother," I told as we hugged, "You've been more of a real mom to me then my own mother."

"I'm going to miss you Bells – I meant it don't be a stranger," she whispered.

Well I believed Sue meant what she said, I had a feeling I wasn't going to see her in the near future. I was a living-breathing reminder of the man she lost.

The flight finally landed. I grabbed my dad's old army bag, it was the only thing to survive the rampage. and started down the gangplank. I tried to ignore the fact that I done this exact same thing back in January with Edward. He was the last person I wanted to think off. Jake had called him when I lost it over the flowers. I don't know what he said, but the deliveries stopped after that.

I finally got off the plane and into the terminal. It had been an awful flight and the weather outside was abysmal. Rain, rain and more rain. I hated the rain. I longed for the sun. Walking into baggage claim, I had the shock of a lifetime when I saw Rose and Lucy waiting for me. They gasped when they saw me. I guess the fact that I had lost 15 pounds in the last month probably gave them a bit of a shock.

"It's okay – you can say it I look like shit," I told them as we hugged.

"No – not a'tall," Lucy lied as she looked at Rose.

"Rose," I asked, looking at her.

"I can't lie – sorry Luce – Bella – you look awful," she said, her eyes tearing up a little. That was a first – seeing Rose remotely vulnerable. I hadn't even seen her like that when she broke up with Em, "I can't even begin to imagine…"

"Then don't," I told her. Rose was very close with her father, her mother dying when she was young from ovarian cancer. The thought of losing her dad, brothers, or stepmom terrified her.

"Well – the first thing we have to do is stop by my mum's house," Lucy said, taking my arm, "She made a Shepard's pie for you."

I shrugged noncommittally. At the moment food was the least of my worries. The stress had shrunken my stomach to the size of a walnut. Lucy had brought her mother's car to the airport so we could drive back. I asked her to drop me off at Trent. I knew she and her parents met well but seeing a happy family would have driven me over the edge at that moment.

It was coming on 7:00 when Lucy got us back on campus. "I wish you would stay with us tonight," she said hugging me, "I would feel a lot better."

"I just need to be by myself awhile," I told her, meaning it. The last month had been a whirlwind of people who would have a lot better if I was staying with them. I just wanted some quiet.

"I'll be with her," Rose said, giving me a look that said – don't even think you're ditching me Swan, "I'll get her to eat."

"Don't bet on it," I told her and winced at my choice of words. A goddamn bet was how I got here to begin with. First with applying to Trent and then Oxford and then with Edward and his boredom.

Rose just shook her head and started walking with me back to dorms. Once we got into the hallway, I started to head back to my room. "Isabella," I heard in the background. Turning around I saw Tanya. Why , I thought, does she always show up like a fungus when I least needed it.

"Tanya," I said, hoping she had the god given sense to leave me be.

No such luck. "So you're back," she stated.

Yes Captain Obvious, I thought. "Yes – and I am going to my room now," I told her

"You know, I don't why you came back," she said, obviously trying to egg me on. In fact a whole group of people were coming around us. God, I felt like a circus freak. My father's voice sounded in my head, Ignore it Bella – you're bigger then that.

She continued, "No one can stand you here, only your slut friend. Your own father even died to get away from you." Everyone gasped, knowing she went too far.

I twirled around so fast that my glasses went flying and I howled. It scared the bejesus out of everyone, Rose included. Tanya actually jumped.

"You bitch," I screamed and punched her in the nose feeling the satisfaction of her nose breaking. Blood squirted all over the place, including the bystanders. She screamed, covering her nose.

I wasn't finished by a lot shot. She attempted to hit me, which I easily dodged, and plowed into her like my dad had taught me. With her on the floor, I got on stomach continued to held her arms over her head. "You stupid bitch – don't you ever talk about my dad again – do you hear me," I screamed shaking her.

Tanya nodded crying. Someone grabbed me from behind and tried to me lift me. I head butted that person and he cursed.

Jumping up, I grabbed Tanya by her hair and, demanded, "Apologize to her now!", pointing to Rose.

She sniffled a little and I yanked her hair again, I could feel stands coming loose. "Are you deaf – apologize to Rose now!" I yelled.

"Sooory," she mumbled.

"What's that – I can't hear you," I shouted, shanking her by her roots.

"I'm sorry," Tanya said, more clearly.

"Why are you sorry," I asked, pulling her hair more tightly.

"Because I called her a slut," she whispered.

"Tell that to her not me, I know she isn't one, and do it the right you goddamn moron," I hissed, putting a tiny bit of pressure.

"Rose, I'm sorry I called you a slut," she said loudly.

"Great – now don't you feel better," I said sweetly, "Because I sure as hell do." With that I shoved her on the floor and pushed her down on her ass with boot. Tanya sat there crying again, holding her nose. Her friend Cynthia gave me a dirty look as she went down to help her friend.

Looking down at her I said, "You got a bone to pick with me Cynthia? Because I have a feeling I have you to thank for my green hair last year. "

She just glared at me and but kept her mouth shut. At least she had the good common sense not speak. Edward and Alice were there with Emmett whose nose was bleeding too.

Rose was looking me in shock. "Bella – lets go," she said grabbing my arm. I nodded, feeling strangely satisfied.

"Bella, Rose," Alice said tentatively.

"Bella is for friends and family, you're neither," I told her coldly. Rose just ignored them, including Em who was staring at her.

We got to my dorm room and dropped my bag in there. "That was quite a scene wasn't that," I said dryly, "How much do you want to bet I'll get expelled for that?"

Rose just looked at me. "Bella – I'm worried about you. That scared the crap out of me," she said.

"I snapped Rose, she didn't should have said anything about my dad," I told her.

"Don't get me wrong – that was pretty awesome but totally not you," she said.

"Rose – how would you know – you didn't even know until this year," I yelled.

Rose took a look at me and crossed her arms, "Bella – I'll give you one because you been through hell and back but that's it," she said.

I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry I was out of line," I whispered sliding down my bed. I couldn't afford to lose Rose – she was one of the few friends I had here in England.

"It's okay," she said sitting next to me, "As much fun as it was watch you kick Tanya's ass – it's not you, babe."

"By the way how did Emmett start bleeding," I asked, realizing he had been bleeding too.

"You head butted him when he tried to lift you up," she said bursting out in giggles. I had to laugh too, who would have thought, me Bella Swan, beating up Emmett McCarthy…

AN: I kind of had mixed feelings about this chapter. Bella has been through a lot obviously in the past few months. It's been an angst fest – thank you everyone for sticking with this. I promise things will get better eventually. For everyone who view/favorite/follower/reviewed this past week – its always very much appreciated.