A.N. I kinda am ... really proud with this one. I like some equilibrium from time to time. Meaning, it's not fair, saying only "oooh, poor Ruka". How about the other side, huh? And what led to that? How about a certain Copy Nin...

Chapter Twenty Five – Cold and nightmares

It all started innocently…

Iruka knew he was somewhere on the second floor of the western wing of the mansion. "Somewhere" being the key word. He decided pride was overrated and made a mental note to ask Kakashi for the damn map of the compound.

He was actually considering just jumping from a window and taking his way back into the house through the main entrance when he saw the door. Closed, but surprisingly not locked door, painted in green paint, that had peeled off here and there. There was a name, written in a childish uneven writing – Kakashi.

Kakashi's room as a child.

Hesitantly, Iruka opened the door and stepped in. It was dark, the curtains were closed and white sheets covered every surface, the furniture making eerie shapes under the ghostly covers. Iruka lifted some of the sheets, finding a small bed, chests of drawers, some book shelves, boxes with toys… a rocking horse. He smiled at the toy, trying to imagine his strong lover and future husband playing with it.

"See anything interesting?"

Iruka jumped, gasping for air, hand above his racing heart, turning to face the owner of that deep voice.

"I didn't mean to scare you… that badly.", Kakashi said.

Iruka smiled faintly. "I didn't mean to intrude.", he said trying to read his love's unreadable face.

Iruka turned back to look at the room, then faced his lover again.

"Were you happy here?", he asked quietly, already knowing the most likely answer.

Kakashi shrugged. "I don't remember.", he looked away.

"Baby…", Iruka's voice was pleading.

They both used that word only in highly emotional moments. Kakashi looked up.

"I was alone here.", he said quietly. He stepped in, grabbing a teddy bear from one of the boxes – the toy looked so small in his large hands now. "My mother died when I was four and my father… He was a shinobi first and then a father. He didn't know how to take care of a child. He took missions. He got paid. He bought toys for a son he didn't know how to communicate with. I… I don't blame him. No one ever taught him…", Kakashi's voice faded by the end.

Iruka walked slowly to his love and embraced him, very gently, from behind.

"I'll teach you, Kashi. One day… I'll teach you."

It took Kakashi some time before he could mutter a quiet, shaky "thank you".


That night Kakashi had nightmares again. He had those far too often for Iruka's liking – it was a torture for him as well, seeing his love being tortured in his own dreams, tossing helplessly in their bed…

Kakashi was four again. Genius as he was he could perfectly understand the woman, whose face he didn't know, telling him he no longer had a Mommy. A cold voice was asking his father if he was able to take care of his son on his own. For a minute Kakashi was terrified his father would shake his head and say no and Kakashi would be sent in that grey old building where the children with no parents were taken to be isolated from the others and from the world. He prepared to cry, to beg, to leave all pride only to stay with the only one he had left now… Then The White Fang simply nodded silently. Kakashi was to stay with him…

Kakashi was five and a half, staying in his room, watching through the window, and into the night, expecting his father to be back. His new rocking horse lay forgotten as Kakashi was terrified to exit his room – the mansion, this enormous empty house, was so dark and quiet and he could swear he could hear voices whispering in the shadows. He was hungry, but he was afraid to go to the kitchen…

Kakashi was seven. He didn't wait his father anymore. He ate alone in the empty, dark house, in the kitchen he no longer was afraid to go to. He didn't play with his toys anymore, just arranged them neatly for his father to see when he eventually got back – that was the only reason he hadn't thrown the toys away already; they kept his father's guilty conscience at bay…

Kakashi was thirteen; the youngest jounin ever. He came home to tell his father he had taken the exam excellently, to make him proud… Only to understand he didn't have a father anymore. The White Fang laid face first on the tatami, a bloodied katana next to him. Seppuku… Not then, nor now Kakashi could understand the concept of honorably taking your own life, leaving a messed up teenager behind…

Kakashi was fourteen; the youngest ANBU captain. A killing machine with no feelings. He saw his enemies dying by his own hands, which were getting bloodier and bloodier. Not a single glimpse of emotion crossed his eyes, a fact that only terrified his enemies even more. Not a glimpse of emotion crossed his eyes on his friends' funeral – two of his ANBU team. Not a glimmer of hope…

Kakashi was twenty. His eyes not leaving the younger chunin on his first day as a teacher (still with an advisor) at the Academy. Umino Iruka laughed and Kakashi's whole day brightened. There would be some years before he even got the courage to talk to his biggest crush. His devil-may-care attitude was only another mask. And underneath it lay a child, who had no clue in expressing feelings… in simply communicating…

Kakashi was twenty seven. His biggest crush stood before him, madly blushing, hands shaking while removing his own shirt. "It's only sex, right? Nothing more…", Kakashi found himself saying. Some of the color of Iruka's face drained and an almost unnoticeable wince came through his whole body. He only nodded…

It was their first time together. Kakashi had been with other partners, men and women alike, but never with someone he had liked for years. He didn't know what to do – underneath the mask(s) he was nervous. He involuntary thrust harder. Iruka moaned. He did it again. Iruka moaned more. Kakashi had found his answer…

Kakashi was twenty eight. The man under him, the one who made such a mess in his head and soul and heart, the one he had no idea what he felt for (only knew it was strong), was begging him to stop. "Kakashi… I'm bleeding…"

Kakashi was fighting, desperately counting his remaining weapons, at the same time checking on his friends, praying that Kami sama wouldn't take them away from him as well… One of those friends said something which made Kakashi turn, wide eyed, to see a familiar face, smiling. A smile which died as that someone ran to him, pushing him out of the way of the katana… which pierced the tan flesh, so close to the heart, so close… Blood traced down the chin, from between parted lips, smiling again, but in agony… "I… guess it doesn't… ma-matter if I… tell you now… I love you… Hatake Kakashi…". Eyes, beautiful, chocolate colored, deep eyes, closed slowly….

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!.!.!.!.!", Kakashi screamed, finally waking from his horrid nightmare, jolting in the bed, panting heavily, tears running down his cheeks, cold sweat covering his whole body.

A warm hand crept on his shoulder, making him jump and turn to look at its owner. Iruka smiled a small, encouraging, "I'm-here"-smile. Kakashi's breath hitched even more and he barely whispered "Iruka…", before nearly crushing the smaller body in his embrace.

Iruka's hold tightened in return and he began slowly rocking them both to calm his love. He could feel Kakashi shaking badly in his arms and although there was no sobbing, he could still feel the wetness on his bare shoulder. After some time, when his breath finally evened a bit, Kakashi began whispering a quiet mantra: "Thank you, thank you, thank you…."

Iruka didn't ask what for. He was just there, assuming that was all Kakashi was grateful for.


The next morning Iruka woke earlier. He took a look at his sleeping love and his heart clenched, remembering last night's events. It had taken Kakashi quite some time to go back to sleep, this time Iruka spooning him, holding him tight. Now, Kakashi's brows were still furrowed, as if he still couldn't find peace.

Iruka went to the kitchen to make coffee for both of them and some St. John's wort tea to calm Kakashi's nerves a bit. He decided to wake him first before starting to make breakfast and ask him what he wanted.

He went back to their bedroom with the coffee, left the cup on a coaster on Kakashi's nightstand and bent to kiss him gently on the forehead. He instantly frowned and shook Kakashi a bit.

"Kashi? Kashi, wake up, love…"

"Mmmh…"

"Kashi, you're burning... Tell me, does anything else hurt?"

"…My head. I… feel sick…"

"… Come now, I've made you coffee and some tea. Drink them and we'll go see Tsunade sama."

Kakashi made a heroic try to stand from the bed… only to collapse again in Iruka's arms.

"KASHI!"

"I'm sorry, I… my legs feel like jell-o."

"Alright then… Tsunade sama's making a home visit!"


Tsunade exited the bedroom to face a fidgeting Iruka.

"How's he?.!"

"Calm down, brat, I need you to answer some questions."

Iruka nodded, his eyes big, sincere and shiny. Tsunade wondered how to bring the matter up.

"Iruka, has anything… happened recently, that might have shaken Kakashi… emotionally?"

Iruka's eyes dropped and he nodded slowly, not looking at his Hokage.

"He… Yesterday I happened to walk in his childhood room and I guess that brought up memories. He… he had a nightmare last night. A real bad one, and I've seen a lot…", Iruka finally looked up. "Has this anything to do with his cold?"

Tsunade nodded. "I think it has. People like Kakashi, who hide their emotions, and sometimes with years, face this problem a lot. When a soul tries to fight an emotional trauma, the body suffers too. It's the whole organism's way to take things easier, to give itself time to collect itself. Moving back into his old house and your wedding approaching acts as a catalyst too, I guess. So my advice is give him some time, his body will heal on its own."

Iruka nodded. He had more than once begged Kakashi to wait for him. It was his turn to do the same. "Thanks, Tsunade sama."

She smiled. "I'll show myself out. Go to him.", she smiled gently and winked. Iruka smiled too, entering the bedroom.

"Hey.", Kakashi smiled weakly, removing the mask before his loved one. "What's the sentence?"

Iruka smiled mischievously. "The Hokage said you might be afraid to marry me and you're looking for a way out."

Kakashi's eyes widened. "Ruka, I swear I don't…."

Iruka laughed. "I'm just kidding, stupid. You have a cold. You have to drink lots of liquids and warm soups and citrus juice. And we have to wait for it to pass.", he smiled lopsidedly. "It's my turn to wait for you, I guess."

Kakashi smiled weakly again. "Will you?", he asked.

"Always.", Iruka smiled; then he suddenly laughed.

"What?", Kakashi asked, now also smiling.

"You're rubbing it onto me! Those cheesy lines from the Icha Icha…"

It wasn't long before they were both laughing heartily. May be they wouldn't have to wait long.

A.N. Well, I hope you liked :) Next will be fluff and fun. Equilibrium, ne? :D Ant btw St. John's wort tea works! ;)