CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Almost immediately, Jane forgot about her promise to write to Sarah. Two weeks had passed before she suddenly remembered. Which led to even more guilt on her behalf. She was currently in the middle of her double Defence Against the Dark Arts class, trying to find something to write to Sarah about. So far, all she had was: Dear Sarah, I'm so so so sorry that I've forgotten to write.
"What're you doing?" Sirius asked from beside her.
"Trying to think of something to write. Now, leave me alone," Jane retorted.
Jane had started the year in that class sitting beside Remus. But because James and Sirius had managed to accidentally make one of their inkwells explode during mid-November, Jane had received the joy of having to swap seats with James for the rest of the year. Their new Defence teacher, Professor Connolly, didn't like nonsense in his class, and the students didn't like him.
"You've got a real novel going on there," Sirius remarked sarcastically as he looked at all she had written.
"I can't think of anything to write about!" Jane exclaimed in a frustrated tone.
"Well, then why are you writing to her? Nothing exciting's happened. Write to her when something does," Sirius explained as though it were that simple.
"You don't get it," Jane said. "Did ya know that I forgot to send her a letter on her birthday this year? What kind of friend does that?"
"Well, send her one now."
"Her birthday was in October, Sirius; I can't very well send her one now, can I?" Jane said.
"I still don't understand why you have to write to her when nothing's happened," Sirius said.
"I promised her that I'd write more than I have been," Jane explained. "I already forgot, and it's been two weeks."
"Why doesn't she just write to you if she's the one wanting to talk to you all the time?" Sirius asked, doodling on his parchment.
"It's not her fault that I have to go here. I kinda feel bad about it, you know?"
Sirius stopped doodling and looked at her.
"No, I don't know," he said. "It's not her fault you have to go here, but it's not your fault either. Would you rather be going to some Muggle school?"
"No, but I—"
"Then, why feel guilty about it?" he asked.
"But she's been my best friend ever since we were little," Jane explained.
"So?" Sirius asked. "It's not your fault you're a witch. It's not your fault you have to keep it all a secret from her. And it's not your fault that there's nothing to write about. If anything, it's her fault for not understanding that you don't have to write to her every day."
"How many friends do you actually have at home?" Jane asked.
"Not counting my cousin Andromeda? Zero," he said.
Jane went back to her letter.
"Well, see there? You don't understand what it's like to have to leave your friends."
"I leave you guys every summer," Sirius said.
"Yeah, and you write to us," Jane said.
"Oh, come off it. I wrote you one letter, Janie, and that was because I was bored, and James told me to."
Jane rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, well, you're a git, and summer only lasts three months. School lasts nine," Jane said.
"With breaks in between," Sirius pointed out.
"We get, like, two breaks in all of nine months," she said.
"Look, would you rather be here or at home with Sarah?" he asked.
Jane was caught off guard by the question.
"That's not a fair question," she said quietly.
"Oh, why not? It's a simple yes or no—"
"Because you don't know what goes on in my life when I'm not here," Jane blurted out, and from the look on Sirius' face, she immediately regretted it.
Jane looked back at her paper to avoid his questioning gaze. The way she had said it had made it sound like she had an awful life. Her life wasn't awful. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but her life wasn't awful like she might've just made it sound. She felt terrible for having said it. She didn't know why she had.
"Are you okay, Janie?" Sirius asked on a bit more serious note.
"I'm fine," she said.
"Then, why are you crying?"
Jane hadn't even noticed the few tears that escaped from her eyes. She didn't know why she was crying. Honestly, there was nothing to cry about. She was just making this whole thing look a lot worse than it actually was. And once more, she felt guilty for it.
"Just, stop asking me questions, and let me write my letter," she said, almost harshly, as though it were his fault she had been crying.
That afternoon, after she had finally sent off Sarah's letter, Jane walked along the edge of the Black Lake by herself. She was trying not to think. Every time she thought, she ended up feeling guilty about something or other. Guilty for forgetting to write to Sarah. Guilty for being mad at her parents for no reason. Guilty because she didn't ever want to go home, and she didn't really understand why.
"James is looking for you, you know?" came Remus' voice from behind her.
Jane didn't look at him.
"Yeah, I know," she said. "Just came down here to clear my thoughts."
Remus walked up beside her and put his hands in his pockets.
"Sirius said that you got pretty upset today in Defence," Remus said. "Care to share why?"
"Not really," Jane said, the only reason being was because she didn't even know why she had gotten upset.
She was quiet for a moment.
"Remus," she said suddenly, "what's the thing you hate most about Hogwarts?"
The question threw him. It was just so random.
"Um, I don't know. Homework?" he said, confused.
"Would you choose Hogwarts over home?" she asked.
"I-I don't know. It depends," he said.
This wasn't the answer Jane had been looking for. She began to chew the inside of her lip.
"Are you all right?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
"Because you only do that when you're worried about something," he said, talking about her lip biting.
Jane stopped doing it and sighed.
"Do you ever just not want to go home and not have a good reason for it?" she asked.
Remus shook his head. Jane instantly regretted bringing it up.
"Do you?" he asked.
Jane was silent for a while. She didn't know if she should tell the truth or not. The truth sounded absolutely selfish, in her opinion.
"All the time," she whispered.
"Well, there's always a reason for how we feel," Remus said, "whether we've figured it out yet or not."
"Well, I don't like it," Jane said. "I've always known why I feel the way I do, and I don't like not knowing. If I don't know why, then I can't make sense out of it, and if I can't make sense out of it, I start to feel guilty about it because I don't have any reason to feel that way."
"Do you always have to know the reason for everything?"
"For this I do," Jane said. "I don't ever want to go home, and I don't know why. I mean, home's where Sarah is. Home's where Mum and Dad are, and I love them, but it's like I don't care. And I feel awful for that."
"Maybe you're just not as close to them as you used to be," Remus said. "It's normal to grow apart."
"But I don't want to grow apart," Jane said. "That's my best friend. That's my family. What kind of person am I if I don't want to be around them?"
"You're right; you're a dreadful person," Remus said. "You might as well just hate yourself."
Jane looked at him, shocked.
"How could you say that to me?" she said. "I'm not a dreadful person. It's not my fault I feel this way; I can't help how I feel, I just do!"
Remus smiled at her, and he gave her a second to reflect back on what she had just said. Once it sank in, she shook her head and smiled a bit.
"You're too clever for your own good," Jane said.
"I know," he said proudly. "Now, it's almost dinner time, and I'm starving."
Jane laughed.
"All you boys are always starving; I don't understand where it all goes," she noted, poking him in the stomach as they walked back up to the castle.
