(A/N) anyone who guesses the title reference correctly wins the obvious award!


Episode 27: Ow! My Balls! Z Part 1

Chris grinned mischievously as he and Steve the Camera Guy made their way down the Dock of Shame for the morning recap shoot. He hadn't said a word all morning, but seemed to be in the midst of some evil contemplation, which worried Steve. If there's one thing Steve has learned while working on this show, it's that if Chris looks like he's plotting something then he probably is. "Should I be worried for my safety?" he asked.

"No, but Chef and those eight little brats should." Chris said.

"… So I should be worried for my safety."

"Slightly."

Steve took a few more steps back than usual before setting up the camera, glancing over to Chris occasionally out of paranoia. But, quick as ever, he gave Chris the thumbs up and the host began his speech. "Last time on Total Drama Dynamite… Your truly was betrayed in the most sickening way possible… I was roasted against my will. Chef abducted me, tied me to a chair, and forced me to sit there and listen to the degrading and insulting comments made by the campers… and Isaiah Mustafa, otherwise known as The Man Your Man Could Smell Like. And they attacked me from every angle, too: my past, my failed ventures, I'm evil, I'm cheap, I'm evil, me getting molested by Lena and somehow being blamed for it (I'll admit that Lindsay is smokin', she's eighteen now I think), I'm evil, I have a massive ego, and I'm evil. Did I miss anything? No? Okay! Moving on! We also had special guest appearances made by last season's top five: Owen, Gwen, Heather, Duncan, and… Mr. Coconut! We also received an angry email from Leshawna about an hour later. Anyway, long story short, Tak was deemed the funniest for his parody of the Old Spice commercials, thus winning immunity, and TJ was sent home for mooning me, which the other five guys on the island didn't care for.

"Today… oh, screw it. It's payback time, biznitches! Muahahahaha…" Chris continued to laugh maniacally as the explosions went off along the beach.

Steve shut off his camera before speaking. "Seriously, should I be worried about my safety?"

"Only if you're allergic to the contents of a septic tank and were in on my betrayal… were you?"

"No." Steve lied.

"Then you're good." Chris lied.

~INSERT THEME SONG~

"ATTENTION VICTIMS!" Chris's voice rang out across the island as he shouted into a megaphone which was pointed at the microphone for the loudspeakers throughout the camp. "REPORT TO THE MESS HALL IMMEDIATELY OR YOUR DAY WILL BE A LOT MORE UNPLEASANT THAN IT IS ALREADY GOING TO BE! McCLAIN OUT!"

"The hell…" Tak groaned as he sat up in his bunk. He looked out the window to find that the sun was barely starting to rise. "What time is it?" He pulled out his cell phone and glanced at the clock. Exactly six in the morning. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to find the only gun on this godforsaken spit of land and I'm going to kill him."

"What's going on?" Nicholas yawned as he sat up, hitting his head on the bottom of the bunk above him.

"Chris is a dead man." Tak growled as he stood up and pulled on a pair of jeans.

"Agreed." Harper grumbled.

Dylan and Allister lay silently in the same bed, Dylan spooning behind his boyfriend with one arm wrapped around him, both feigning sleep in an attempt to avoid the day's challenge. "C'mon, you two." Tak ordered, kicking the side of their bed. "Everyone's going to suffer this morning. That includes you."

Dylan struggled to hold back a smirk. "Five more minutes, mommy." He chuckled.

"NOW!" Tak shouted, causing Allister to jump and knock his head back against Dylan's jaw. Dylan clutched his jaw as he yelped in pain.

"And it begins." Nicholas chuckled.

The girls exited their cabin at the same time that the boys did, equally disheveled and irritated. "Morning, Ayame." Harper said as he walked over to her, kissing her on the cheek before taking her hand in his as they walked together.

"Morning." She replied, kissing him back. "Care to join me in castrating Chris?"

"Yeah, I'm going to have to pass." Harper said. "I don't care what a guy's done to you. You don't do that."

Ayame just shrugged. "More fun for me."

As the eight campers entered the Mess Hall, Chris greeted them with his usual grin, Steve standing behind him with the camera. "Morning, traitors!" Chris greeted. "Who's ready for vengeance?"

"Only if we get breakfast first." Sakura said. "Where's Chef?"

"Indisposed." Chris answered.

~ELSEWHERE~

Chef awoke with a throbbing headache in complete darkness. He could literally see nothing, it was so dark. He felt around and guessed he was trapped inside of a wooden box… strangely contoured to the size of his body. He sighed. "Never could take a joke, could you Chris?" He dug into his pocket and pulled out a lighter. As he flipped it on he confirmed his suspicions. "Yep. Buried alive. Someone's been watching too many Ryan Reynolds movies."

~MESS HALL~

"So, what do we get for breakfast?" Allister asked.

"Nothing!" Chris snapped. "And if you guys aren't cooperative, the only thing you all will be eating today is sewage!"

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"Did he just say sewage?" Kyra asked.

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"He just said sewage, didn't he?" Harper questioned.

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

Nicholas stood in the confessional outhouse, looking down at the toilet. Suddenly his cheeks puffed out and he kneeled down, hurling into said toilet. After finishing, he looked into the camera. "Wait… I just upchucked into the toilet… toilet leads to the septic tank…" He started vomiting into the toilet again. He sighed when he finished, only to realize what he had just done and started vomiting a third time.

~END CONFESSIONAL~

"So, everyone ready for the challenge?" Chris asked. "I guarantee it'll ruin your day."

"You woke me up at six in the morning and you're not giving me breakfast." Kyra complained. "My day's bad enough already."

"And it's only going to get worse from here." Chris said. "Follow me, you ungrateful bastards!"

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"Sounds like Chris isn't a morning person." Ayame chuckled.

~END CONFESSIONAL~

Chris led the eight campers out of the Mess Hall to the location of the challenge. The stage that had been set for the challenge was a bit odd, but what it was for was pretty clear. There was a pool, at least five feet deep, round, and likely ten yards wide. Whatever it was filled with smelled rancid, but not like sewage as Chris had claimed. Suspended above the pool was a platform, half the width of the pool, and held up by chains connected to four totem poles. "So here's the deal." Chris said. "I'm going to call two of you up at a time. The two of you will then be handed padded staffs, to my displeasure, and be hoisted up onto the platform. You will then have to duke it out until one of you is knocked off the platform or KO'd. Now, lucky for you, legal told me that we couldn't fill the pool with sewage due to health reasons. But I assure you that what it is filled with, which shall remain classified, will make you unapproachable for at least a week should you fall in it. Standard rules apply from here. Winner gets immunity, a vote decides who gets sent home, and I am satisfied with my vengeance because seven of the eight of you smell horrible for at least a week." Dylan suddenly raised his hand. "No, tomato juice doesn't take the smell off." Chris answered. Dylan lowered his hand. "Any other questions? No? Good! First up is… Allister and Dylan!"

"What?" Allister questioned.

"Why us?" Dylan demanded.

Chris turned to Steve's camera. "They're still not getting the revenge thing." He said before turning back to them. "Get up there before I eliminate both of you from the game!" he ordered. Dylan and Allister were both handed the promised padded staffs, basically four foot plastic poles with boxing glove-like pads at the end, before being lifted up onto the platform. "Now, before we begin the match, let's have a little clip show." Chris said with an evil grin.

It was then that everyone noticed a crane pole above then, slowly lowering a large TV screen down, stopping just a few feet above Dylan and Allister's heads. When it was turned on, the first image shown was Dylan kissing Payton from the Truth or Doom Challenge. The next few clips were from Playa Des Losers, all of which showed Dylan getting along with one of the male staff a little too well. "And… begin." Chris said.

"What was that all about?" Dylan asked before finding himself lying on the ground, Allister having smacked him across the face with the pad of his staff. "You mind telling me what the sucker punch was for, Al?" Dylan asked as he pushed himself to his feet, rubbing his jaw.

"Who was that guy, huh?" Allister demanded.

"Wha…" Dylan began, then it dawned on him and he turned his attention to Chris.

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"You are an evil, evil man, Chris." Dylan growled to the camera. "You're going to get it for this."

~END CONFESSIONAL~

"Look Al, I have no idea who that guy was." Dylan explained. "I don't even remember that happening."

"You sure?" Allister questioned.

"Al, I'm stupid, not retarded."

It was at that moment that a new image flashed on the screen, showing Dylan and the male staff member in question dancing, or rather grinding, together.

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"Oh come on! None of this ever happened! At least not as far as I can remember. Either Chris slipped a roofie into one of my drinks or he got a seriously convincing actor to play me."

~END CONFESSIONAL~

"I swear Al, I don't know what the hell that is. That never happened! That's not me!"

"Save it, dirt bag!" Allister growled before swinging his pole again. Dylan managed to block the attack and pushed Allister away, but refused to retaliate while his boyfriend was mad. Allister kept coming at him again and again, wild with anger and Dylan continued to find ways to avoid or block him. They kept moving around the platform and a few times they came close to the edge, making the idea of Dylan tumbling back into the fowl smelling liquid a very plausible idea. But when it came to this Dylan always pushed away his aggressor and moved into safe territory. The whole time Dylan kept thinking.

Something isn't right. I've never seen Allister this aggressive. He pondered. He usually mopes if he's upset. When Allister went to attack him next Dylan stood his ground until the last second before side stepping him. He then moved his back and wrapped his arms around him, holding his staff in both hands and pulling back to pin the shorter boy to him. "What's wrong with you, Al?" Dylan asked. "Why are you attacking me?"

"Why the hell do you think?" Allister demanded. "I'm freaking mad at you!"

Dylan smirked. "Clearly you're not." He said. "First off, you would have taken the profanity a bit farther if you were really mad. Second, if you were really upset you'd be sulking instead of trying to knock my lights out."

"Maybe I've changed." Allister said.

Dylan groaned. "C'mon, Al! Can't you see this is just Chris trying to drive a wedge between us? He's been talking about revenge all morning!"

Allister wanted to rebuke, but he stopped himself. Dylan smiled, thinking that his words were beginning to sink in. But then a new image appeared on the screen. Dylan and Allister looked up to find a slow motion scene of Dylan kissing the guy he'd been getting chummy with. At that point Allister's heart shattered and Dylan's jaw dropped. "Oh what the hell! That never even happened! "You're going to get it for this, McCl—"

Allister cut him off by knocking his head back against his jaw for the second time that morning. Dylan let go of him and stumbled back, clutching his jaw as he lost his grip on his staff. Allister turned toward him slowly, breathing heavily and writhing in anger. "Al, I swear, that's not me! Chris is screwing with your head!"

"SHUT UP!" Allister shouted as he charged at Dylan. Dylan managed to jump out of the way, but at a cost he soon regretted. Allister ended up stumbling and falling off the edge of the platform into the pool of rancid liquid.

"And the winner is, Dylan!" Chris announced.

No on cheered and Dylan ignored him as he dove in after Allister, who had not resurfaced yet. After a few seconds the came back up, both gasping for breath only to find themselves choking on the air. "You okay… Al?" Dylan choked.

"Don't touch me." Allister growled, pulling away from him.

Dylan hung his head before feeling something touch his arm. He grabbed it and lifted it up, finding that he was holding something black and slimy, shaped like a thin football. "Is that a cantaloupe rind? Well I guess that would explain the rancid smell."

"No, that would be you." Allister said. "Now someone get me the hell out of here and away from him!" A couple of interns wearing hazmat suits came over and helped them onto dry land and Allister immediately stormed off, Dylan chasing after him.

"Moving on to round two." Chris said. "Next up is… Sakura and Harper!"

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"Okay, after what I just saw, I'm definitely thinking I might as well just forfeit." Harper said to the camera. "It's no secret that Sakura and I have some history, and the way Chris thinks he could easily blow it out of proportion and Sakura would go on another murderous rampage. So basically I have two choices: forfeit and look like a coward, or go through with it and possibly… scratch that, probably end up dead."

~END CONFESSIONAL~

"Hey! You doing this or what?" Sakura called, already up on the platform and ready to fight. Harper had fallen into a state deep in though, weighing his options over and over again as if it were vague which one would be more to his benefit. After a few tough minutes, he finally came to a decision.

"I CHOOSE LIFE!" he shouted before taking off into the forest.

Sakura slumped her shoulders. "Seriously?" she asked as she was hoisted off of the platform by interns and brought back down to the ground. Ayame came over to her.

"Sorry that Harper's such a pansy." She said, scratching the back of her head.

"Don't be." Sakura said. "You've taught him his place well."

They both laughed.

Chris snapped his fingers and two interns ran over to him, ready to follow his every order. "Find him and drag him back here by his ears" Chris ordered. "All losers must take a swim." Almost automatically, the two interns saluted before going off into the forest after Harper. "Well, looks like Sakura gets an automatic win. Next on my list is… Tak and Nicholas!"

Unlike Harper, these two didn't think anything through. Both Tak and Nicholas immediately claimed their weapons and stepped onto the platform, ready to duke it out. "Now, before we get started, it's time for another clip show!"

The very first thing seen was Payton kissing Nicholas on Bony Island.

"Nice try, Chris." Tak called from the platform. "But I'm well aware that Nicholas and Payton kissed once."

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Chris questioned, sporting his signature grin. "Once? Oh, you are mistaken, my young friend. Observe clip two." The next image showed Payton leaving the Mess Hall the night after the Hunter challenge, which Chef had hosted. As she walked along the path leading down to the girl's cabin, Nicholas suddenly jumped out from behind a tree and pulled her into a kiss, and an aggressive one at that. Payton didn't seem to protest, and even seemed to get into it a little.

Tak looked over to Nicholas who was as shocked as he was. "I… do not remember that." Nicholas said. "I went to bed as soon as I left the Mess Hall man."

"This isn't going to work, Chris!" Tak called over his shoulder.

"Oh, isn't it?" Chris chuckled. "Moving on to clip three."

They next saw a never before seen confessional of Nicholas. "Yeah, I realized I made a mistake the second I left the Mess Hall. So, I decided to wait for her and take back what I said. And oh did she approve."

Tak looked over to Nicholas who was completely dumbfounded by what he'd seen. He slowly turned his attention to Tak and saw the rage clearly building up. "Tak, buddy, take it easy. You saw what just happened to Al and Dylan. No reason to go over the edge here. Chris is just being a douche bag."

Tak hadn't heard a word. "You're a dead man." He growled before charging, gripping his pole tightly with both hands. He brought his weapon down over Nicholas who blocked with his own and pushed Tak out of the way. Unlike Dylan, Nicholas wasn't opposed to retaliating and went at Tak while he'd lost his balance. Nicholas hit Tak in the back, knocking him off his feet. But when he went to attack again Tak rolled out of the way and leapt to his feet. Neither of them took their gaze off the other as they slowly circled the platform, waiting for the perfect opportunity to attack.

"Oh, Tak!"

Tak and Nicholas looked down to Chris, who had spoken. He pointed up to the big screen again and they looked up to find an image of Nicholas and Payton sleeping in each other's arms on the beach under a full moon. "What the *CENSOR*?" Nicholas demanded. "Not only did that never happen, it totally looks staged! You can't seriously be falling for this, Tak!"

But he was.

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"What the *CENSOR* is going on?" Nicholas demanded to the camera. "Apart from the first clip nothing on that screen has actually happened! You'd think that Tak would be smart enough to realize this. We're buds! I'd never try to steal Payton from him! And I know what you're thinking, and the answer is still no. I still wouldn't even betray Tak even if Payton offered herself to me in a skimpy French maid outfit while holding a tray of barbeque ribs and a giant novelty check for a hundred million dollars… man I have weird fantasies."

~CONFESSIONAL CAM~

"This could not be going more perfectly." Chris laughed.

~END CONFESSIONAL~

"Wait for it…" Chris said, putting his hand up to his ear as he waited for something.

"I'LL CRUSH YOU!"

"Bad day, bad day, bad day!"

Tak had lost all of his sense in a blind rage and was now chasing Nicholas around the platform like a dog chasing its own tail… except the tail wasn't attached and was running away from him. Nicholas knew better than to face him head on, at least for now. He had to wait for Tak to slip up, wait for him to make the perfect mistake and knock him over the edge of the platform. This was easier said than done unless Nicholas spontaneously grew eyes out of the back of his head, however.

"Nick, I swear, if you don't stop running things are going to be a lot worse for you!" Tak shouted.

"Yeah, I highly doubt that." Nicholas called over his shoulder.

That was his fatal mistake.

By looking over his shoulder for that brief second, Nicholas had lost his sense of direction and failed to realize he was now running straight for the edge of the platform. By the time he did realize this he only had about three steps to change direction, which proved to be insufficient and he ended up taking a dive… literally.

"And the winner is Tak! As expected!" Chris announced.

"No way you're getting off that easy!" Tak growled as he jumped into the rancid liquid after Nicholas. Hi hit the surface just as Nicholas started climbing out.

"Okay, time to end the first round. Kyra, Ayame, get up there."

Kyra and Ayame were lifted up onto the platform and handed their staffs and waited. They expected another one of Chris's evil clip shows to start, but surprisingly it didn't. "What are you two waiting for?" Chris asked. "I want to see a cat fight!"

"No clip show?" Kyra asked.

"Not this time. Now start already! This is only a thirty minute show, after all."

Kyra and Ayame looked at each other and shrugged. Holding their staffs in both hands, they bowed before going at each other. Kyra made the first offensive movie, swinging her weapon at Ayame who blocked the attack, pushing her opponent away before swinging at her legs. Kyra did a back flip to avoid the attack, crouching as she landed a few feet away. She motioned for Ayame to come at her and the other girl happily accepted the offer. Ayame rushed at her and attacked head on, a mistake as Kyra manage to block her attack and then swing up, trying to knock Ayame's weapon out of her hand. She let go with one hand, but kept a firm grip with the other. Kyra proceeded to bash her staff into Ayame's shoulder and then swept it under her legs, knocking her off her feet. Ayame landed on her back and Kyra stood over her, holding the end of her padded staff just under her chin.

"Get up." Kyra ordered as she kicked away Ayame's weapon.

With no other choice, Ayame complied and stood. Kyra turned her towards the nearest edge and pocked her in the back with her staff, signaling her to march forward. Ayame obeyed, Kyra staying at her back the whole time. But at about the half way point, Ayame swung around and grabbed Kyra's staff, wrenching it from her hands and tossing it aside. Caught off guard, Kyra was unable to respond when Ayame went to kick her in the side, sending her falling to the ground. Kyra looked up at her opponent who smirked at her, standing in a fighting stance. "Did you really think it would be that easy?" Ayame chuckled.

Kyra just smirked and pushed herself to her feet. She assumed her own stance and they stared each other down for a few seconds before resuming the fight. Ayame threw the first punch, which Kyra ducked under. She went to punch at the other girl's stomach, but it was blocked by her knee. Kyra jumped back just as Ayame tried to bring her elbow down on her back. Growling, Ayame charged at her, throwing a meteor storm of fists which Kyra had little trouble blocking or dodging. However, Kyra had a little less luck when Ayame pulled a kick, slamming her calf into the side of Kyra's thigh. Kyra cringed and buckled to one knee, Ayame now standing over her with an obnoxious smirk.

But Ayame knew the battle wasn't over yet. They were still far from the edge and the only other way to win was a technical knock out, which she didn't see happening, nor did she want to happen. She waited for Kyra to stagger to her feet, and at first it seemed that she was. But then Kyra smirked and lowered herself back down, sweeping her leg under Ayame's and knocking her to her back. The blond then tried to get back to her feet, but Ayame jumped on top of her before she could. They grabbed each others shoulders and struggled against each other as they began rolling closer to the edge until they eventually fell over.

Kyra fell into the rancid liquid… Ayame grabbed the platform at the last second.

"That has got to be the most epic thing I've seen all day." Chris said approvingly before turning to the camera. "Three fights and a coward's forfeit down, three fights to go. Who will ultimately be crowned victorious in Chris's Revenge challenge? Find out when we return from the commercial break! Now where the hell is Harper? He's well overdue for his punishment!"

~ELSEWHERE~

"What the hell?" Chef pulled his lighter out of his pocket and flicked it on, finding Harper now laying next to him in his coffin. "How the hell did you get in here?" he asked.

"I have no idea." Harper said. "But it's better than taking a dip in rotten cantaloupe juice."


(A/N) So yeah... Chris is f***ing evil. not much left to say there... also, if youre wondering, there will be an "Ow! My balls!" moment in the next chapter