Chapter 28- The Part That Keeps Me Going

I woke up in the middle of the night and walked downstairs into the kitchen for a drink of water. The room was dark except for the soft glow of a small lamp on the far side of the room. I'd just walked past the kitchen sink when a slight movement from the window above it caught my eye. I glanced over, half asleep, and jumped a foot in the air at the big eyes staring back at me.

It took a second to realize they belonged to an owl, an owl as black as the darkest night. I shook my sleepy head trying to wake up more. I don't know why I hadn't noticed immediately. The two owls that took residence in the kitchen stared straight at it, not even making a sound. That was odd in itself, because they were always chirping or purring at each other.

My owl, Euripides, has a bit of a thing for James' owl, Molly. You could even hear their soft purr like noises as they slept. But the odd thing was that the black owl at the window wasn't pecking incessantly to get in or causing a raucous at all. It was dead still, just watching and waiting quietly. And then it slowly extended its leg in my direction.

It was waiting for me?

I crossed over and opened the window slowly. The bird made no move to come in, though. It just held still with its leg holding out a scroll. I reached for it and took it off. The bird gazed at me for a second longer before it took flight. That had to be the oddest owl I'd ever seen. It was beautiful, but it wasn't normal. I'd never seen an owl look at me with such... calculation.

I closed the window and turned back around. Before I even had a chance to open the scroll, someone coughed. I looked up and squinted across the dark room.

"Sirius?" I whispered.

I walked forward and saw him sitting at the small kitchen table.

"What are you doing down here?" I asked.

"I could ask you the same." He said.

"I wanted some water..." I said.

"What about the bird?" He asked.

"Oh, um, I don't know." I said.

"It almost clawed my eyes out. I think it was waiting for you. Why are you getting confidential owls?" He asked suspiciously.

"No telling." I said as I tried to subtly shove the letter out of sight.

"So, why are you awake?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Remember, we're not telling." He said.

I shrugged.

"You have your secrets, obviously. And I have mine." Sirius said quietly.

He was looking at me with suspicion but he didn't ask any more questions about the owl.

"Back to bed then?" He asked.

"Um, yea. Night." I said and hurried from the room.

Sirius just sat there watching.

What a creepy night.

The next morning I woke up alone. As I went downstairs to the kitchen Charlie was sitting at the table quietly reading the Daily Prophet.

"Hey." I said sitting across from him.

He hummed in acknowledgement.

"Where is everybody?" I asked.

He put the paper down and gave me a frustrated look.

"I don't know. I heard snores coming from Sirius' room when I went past this morning. The Potters are, as usual, at the Ministry." He said, picking up his paper again.

"Haven't seen James?" I asked.

"Nope." He said.

I sighed.

"So, when do you leave for Auror training?" I asked as I grabbed a muffin and picked at it.

Charlie looked up from his paper.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine, you know. And not for a couple of weeks still." he said.

"Charlie, I, well, there's something I need to tell-"

"Good morning." James stumbled into the kitchen.

Charlie gave me a concerned look but when I slightly shook my head, he got my message to keep quiet about what I was just trying to say.

James slumped into the chair next to me gingerly. Slightly wincing as he did so.

"James, mate, you look like hell." Charlie commented.

I noticed bruises already forming around his left cheek bone and some small scratches around his jaw line.

"Thanks." James said sarcastically.

"Where were you?" I asked.

"I must have dozed off in Sirius' room." He muttered as he poured some juice.

There was a house elf scuffling around cooking more food but I tried to ignore it. They seemed to prefer it that way.

"Late night scuffle?" Charlie asked.

"Um, yea. It was something of the sort." He said.

"Full moons have a way of making everyone a little crazy." Charlie said before he ducked behind his paper.

"You were sleeping when I went down for water in the middle of the night." I said.

James shrugged.

"I woke up and couldn't sleep and Sirius was still awake. It must have been after you got up." He said.

I glanced at Charlie behind his paper.

"Yea. Guess so." I said.

The boys still didn't know that I knew about Remus and what they get up to on the full moons. Remus, of course, knew that I had figured out about his lycanthropy. But he didn't know that I knew they were all illegal animagus'. Though, knowing Remus, he probably figured that I did. I guess Charlie had figured it out too, that or he eaves dropped on their thoughts about it.

After breakfast James said he had to go to Diagon Alley for his parents and asked me to come. I declined though, thinking it would be a good opportunity to read my letter and get packing. Sirius and Charlie went in my place and I had the house to myself.

I went upstairs and found the letter I had hidden away last night and pulled it out.

It wasn't your basic 'meet me at the pub at 8' directions. They were longitude and latitude coordinates, a date, and a time. That was it. So basically a piece of cake, I mean, I definitely know where that is off the top of my head. Not. And I only had hours to figure it out. Was this just the beginning of what I'm getting into?

I memorized the paper before pulling out my wand and incinerating it so no one else would read it. I watched the ashes float towards the ground before a quick cleaning spell vanished any trace of them.

Now off to the library to look for some maps or a directional spell. It seems like I read about one once...


"Lily!" I sighed and put down the wizard children's book that I had came across in the library.

"I'm in the library!" I called.

A few seconds later, James walked in smiling. I looked at him curiously as he walked up to me and pecked me on the lips. He pulled out a white Lily flower from behind his back and handed it to me.

"Would you like to go out tonight? It will be just the two of us." James said.

"Well, actually James, there's something I need to tell you." I said.

He seemed to notice how serious I'd gotten because his eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"Lily, what's wrong? Did something happen?" He asked with loving concern.

It made this that much harder.

"I'm leaving." I finally said.

"Ok, do you want me to come with you?" He asked.

Like I'd just said I wanted to pop over to Diagon Alley or something.

"No, James. I'm leaving, leaving." I said.

"What do you mean?" He looked confused.

"I, well, I was offered a Ministry position. And it's a British representative of sorts... I'll be out of the country. But it's working toward uniting the nations of magic and working towards the war effort as well. It's a really great opportunity..." I fed him my lie I'd tried to rehearse.

"You're leaving the country for Ministry work?" He asked skeptically.

I nodded.

"Okay... Um, how long have you known about this? I didn't even know you were interested in working at the Ministry." He said.

"Since two days ago. It was very last minute that a spot opened up for me. I applied ages ago." I said.

"So the mysterious owl..." He trailed off and stared out of the window.

I should have known Sirius would have opened his big mouth. Those two have no secrets from each other.

But again, I only nodded. It was too hard to lie to him even when it was so vitally important to protect him.

"So when are you leaving?" He asked.

"Today." I said.

He spun around so fast I took a step back in surprise.

"What do you mean, 'today'?" He said.

I nodded.

"Really Lily, this is how you tell me? Right before you walk out of the door?" He was angry.

I sighed.

"I didn't want you to try to talk me out of it." I said.

He looked like I'd smacked him.

"Lily, I wouldn't have if it's something you really want. I would have been supportive. I am supportive. I love you. I'm just shocked. I had no idea you were even interested in Ministry work! It's just a lot to take in, you know?" He said.

I nodded.

"So where exactly are you going?" He asked.

"I'm not too sure. I only know that it's a lot of traveling from country to country and you're never in one place too long. I have to go to France today." I said.

"How long are you going to be doing this?" He asked.

"As long as it takes. It could be months, maybe years." I said.

He gave me a serious look.

"So what does this mean for us? Because I've noticed you haven't mentioned anything about me being involved in this." He said.

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.

And then I felt him move forward and grab me gently, pulling me into his arms.

"Lily? Please, don't do what I think you're about to do." He said.

"I have to." I said quietly.

He shook his head and I could feel his chin moving across the top of my head.

"We'll make this work, Lily. It will be ok." He said.

"James, I can't do that to you. It's not fair." I said.

"Then don't. Don't go." He said.

"I've already made up my mind." I said.

He stepped away.

"So that's it? You just get to decide you want to break up with me and leave so that I never see you again? That's not fair, Lily. It doesn't work like that." He said.

"James, I'm so sorry." I said.

He punched the wall.

"No. You can't do this!" he said.

"I am, though." I responded.

He kept shaking his head.

"But, I love you. I just don't understand. None of this makes any sense. This isn't like you at all, Lily." He said.

"I know. I just didn't know how to do this. And long distance relationships never work. Why put us through that?" I lied.

"Then I'll come with you. Problem solved." He said.

"James, you can't. And besides, all of your friends and family are here. They need you." I said.

"And what about what I need? I need you, Lily. And you know they are your friends and family too. You're just going to leave all of us?" He asked.

I nodded.

"Sometimes, doing the right thing isn't always the easiest." I said.

"How is it right if we're not together?" He asked.

I just shook my head. This was so much harder than I imagined it would be. I'm about to break down and cry and just throw myself in James' arms and say I'm sorry. But I knew I couldn't do that.

"I'm so sorry. Goodbye, James." I said.

"Lily, please. Please, don't do this. I love you. That will never change. Never." He said, eyes watering.

"Just promise me one thing?" I asked.

He kept shaking his head.

"Promise me you'll stay safe." I said.

"Lily..."

And even though I knew I should just apparate then, I couldn't. So quickly, I rushed forward and kissed him one last time. And the second his arms slid off of me during our kiss, I turned Charlie's special ring that I had 'borrowed', and apparated away.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in my childhood bedroom. I started to quickly empty my trunk of my belongings so that I could repack it with my essentials. It's not so much that I was in a hurry, but keeping busy helped me fight the tears that kept threatening to spill over. I glanced out of the window at the setting sun. I still had a few hours before I had to meet Donovan.

And then my bedroom door was slammed open.

I slowly looked up from my spot on the ground by my trunk, knowing exactly who I'd see.

"What are you doing?" Charlie yelled.

"Hello, Charlie." I said.

He walked in and stood before me, arms crossed.

"You broke up with James so you could be a Ministry ambassador? What the hell, Lily?" He said.

"Well, that's what I told him." I said.

He sighed and sat on my bed.

"What's really going on? Is this what you were going to tell me earlier today, at breakfast?" He asked.

I nodded.

"I'm training to do undercover work in the war for a top secret resistance group that Dumbledore founded. And I have to break all my ties with everyone. It's for the best." I said.

He shook his head.

"Why is it that I'm not surprised?" He asked.

I looked at him sharply.

"You're not going to try to stop me?" I asked.

"Could I stop you?" He shot back.

"Good point." I conceded.

"So, Dumbledore said you could tell me?" He ventured a guess.

"Of course. Especially on the off chance I let you slip in my mind and you see me and freak out and tell everybody that something's wrong. That and I need you to back my story. And tell people that it's too hard for me to respond or owl because I'm too upset or something but that you are in correspondence with me and I'm fine." I said.

"Will I be in correspondence with you?" He asked.

"It's not likely. But I'm sure you could probably arrange something with Dumbledore. At the very least he could tell you that I'm still alive... That is, if he knows." I said.

He shook his head.

"Merlin, Lily. So this is really the last time I may ever see you?" He asked.

I sighed.

"I know. This is so hard." I said.

He slid off the bed and sat next to me, pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so proud of you. For being so brave and doing the right thing." He said.

I finally cried.

"Thank you for understanding." I said.

I hadn't realized how much I needed him to understand... To approve.

"Promise me you'll stay safe too, with the Aurors. And that you'll keep an eye on James. I love him so much... Don't let him look for me, ok? It will only put us both in danger. Help him to get over me?" I asked.

He sighed but nodded.

"Of course. You know I will. And you better be careful too. This war keeps getting worse every day. I want to know that I will see you again when this is all over. But do try to contact me every so often." He said as he tapped his temple.

"I guess I should give this back..." I said as I tugged off the magical ring that only Charlie and Sirius owned.

"Oh. I was wondering where that went. You know what? You keep it. It might come in handy and get you out of a tight spot when you need to." He said.

I nodded.

"I love you, Charlie." I said.

"I love you too, Lils. Be safe." He said.

I closed the lid on my trunk, and shrunk it into my pocket. With one last hug to Charlie, I pulled out my wand, and concentrated on the coordinates I'd received. And then I apparated away from everyone I loved.


Is this a joke? It was dark, but I could still make out exactly where I was.

Wiltshire, England. I was standing at the exact center of Stonehenge.

"It's about time." Donovan walked out from behind one of the stones and into the waning moonlight.

"Stonehenge?" I questioned.

He raised an eyebrow.

"And what do you know of it?" He asked.

"About the same as everybody else, I guess. It's been here forever, nobody knows why or who built it except maybe it was a burial ground? Or some type of early calendar?"

He looked at me like I was crazy.

"I'm pretty sure you're muggleborn." He said.

I stiffened.

"So?" I said.

"So try to make it less obvious before you ruin our soon to be cover and get us both killed." He said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't think-"

"Exactly." He said.

He started to walk away but paused and said over his shoulder.

"And everyone knows it was created by Merlin. Even the earliest muggle depiction was of Merlin using a giant to help him build it." He said, smirking.

I rolled my eyes. And my heart kind of sank at the same time... For that was such a James Potter thing for him to do, that smirk.

"So we are training at Stonehenge?" I asked, following him to one of the stones.

"No. This is merely a port key." He said.

I just nodded. Sure. Why not? I use a famous magical structure as an illegal port key all time. And I'm assuming this will be illegal. I highly doubt he got the Ministry of Magic to authorize a port key to his 'highly secret training grounds'.

We walked up to a huge stone archway.

"Now, you're sure about this? Once we leave there's no turning back."

"I know. I'm sure." I said.

He nodded.

"Then if you'll place your hand here on the count of 3. 1-, 2-, 3!"

And I felt the whirring sensation of spinning madly through the air.

And just like that, I was dropped on my backside in the sand.

We were on some tropical island? But no, as my vision focused in the darkness, I could make out an arena around me. It was not unlike the Roman type used with the Gladiators. Great.

"I'm going to show you your cabin where you'll sleep. I expect you ready to train at 5." He said.

I nodded as we arrived at my cabin (which was more like a shack). Donovan stood there like he wanted to say something else. But instead he simply turned and walked off.

I sighed at the loneliness of the place. It was a long walk from the arena we landed in. The cabin was set off by itself hidden in the trees with a thick forest behind it. And it was hot out! Why did he tell me to pack for the cold? Luckily, I came prepared. Maybe that was some weird test? I barely knew Donovan at all.

I could hear howls in the distance too. As I glanced up at the sky I knew it wasn't a full moon, but all the same I'd be cautious.

The cabin looked exactly like something you'd expect to find from a summer camp. But thankfully, there were no bunk beds. There was a room for my bed and a dresser, then another room with the bathroom. The rest of the cabin was like a miniature common room. There was an old dusty couch, a couple of stuffed chairs that had seen better days, and a miniature kitchen in the front. I pulled my wand out and decided to do a little re-decorating.

An hour later, I was showered and laying in bed trying to sleep. The cabin was at least livable now. But as I lay there I tried, unsuccessfully, to not think about James.

Yet, I wonder what he's doing, where he's at, and if he's thinking about me?

And though I knew I shouldn't, I concentrated on Charlie. I was focusing on our connection. When I could mentally feel the rippling of Charlie's mind, I pushed in slowly, hoping he wouldn't feel me. And then I was inside and I could see his thoughts mixed with what he was actually seeing. This was new! Somewhere within the ripples I must have gone straight to his vision. Yet he didn't seem to know I was there. His thoughts, when I probed, held nothing indicating he was aware of my mental presence.

I watched through his eyes as he looked at Sirius.

"We can't just leave him here." I said.

But it wasn't really me saying it. It was Charlie.

"I don't know what to do. I've never seen him like this." Sirius said.

He looked scared.

"Well, we'll just try to get him home first. Then we can figure out what to do." I said as I looked at James' passed out figure.

He looked awful.

"I hope she's happy with herself." Sirius said with anger.

"Sirius, you don't even know what happened between them." I said.

"Look at him, Charlie! I've never seen him like this! I don't care what happened between them. All I know is my best friend is like this because of her!" He yelled.

"Hey, knock it off Sirius. He's my friend too. But that's my sister you're talking about. And you have no idea what she's going through." He said.

He defended me.

Sirius sighed.

"Ok, let's get him out of this damn bar. Is- is Lily ok?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, Sirius. She's gone." Charlie said as they carried James' passed out body out to the streets.

"Gone? Gone where?" He asked.

"She wouldn't say." I said.

"Well I'm sure she'll turn up tomorrow. Then they can kiss and make the hell up so I don't have to drag his sorry drunk ass around London in the middle of the night." Sirius huffed.

"Don't you get it Sirius? She's left! As in, gone for good!" I said.

"Bloody hell, what the fuck happened?" Sirius said, suddenly realizing how serious James' situation really was.

I sighed.

"She told him she accepted a job offer. A Ministry position as an ambassador of Britain during the war." I said.

Sirius shot me a calculated look.

"She's off playing hero, isn't she?" Sirius said.

"Oh don't look so surprised. I know a lie when I hear it. And it's such a Lily thing to do. Besides, the past couple of days she's been sneaking off and receiving strange owls at ungodly hours. What the hell is she thinking?" Sirius said.

I sighed.

"I don't know... But she can't let anyone find out. And we can't look for her. She said it would put us all in danger. It's something undercover. And honestly, we are about to join Auror Academy's advanced program. Can we really blame her? It's not like we're much different." Charlie said.

Sirius shook his head. He looked extremely angry.

"This is going to devastate him. He'll eventually function again... But it won't be James... Dammit! Does she really think he won't look for her or try to contact her? Is she daft?" Sirius said.

"We can't let him. Sirius, if she really is undercover it could kill her if he starts poking around for her. We just have to accept this." I said.

"How are you so calm about this? Do you know what some of those people are like? I grew up a Black, you know? They're Dark Arts supporters for as far back as my family history can be traced! And in case you didn't know, we're one of the oldest families around. I grew up in this. I've heard stories. She won't last a minute!" Sirius looked grave and shook his head.

And I lost focus.

I blinked a few times to realize I was back in my own head, staring at the dusty ceiling of my cabin.

My heart raced and my head pounded. My eyes were throbbing and my ears were ringing. I swiftly rolled to the side of the bed and vomited. At least that seemed to help, because the dizzy sensation faded a bit as I closed my eyes and concentrated on taking slow, deep, and steadying breaths.

It must have worked because after a few minutes I felt normal, barring only a slight headache. Then there was also a slight burning sensation in my nose as the smell of vomit permeated the air. I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed my wand to clear the mess in the floor. With a quick 'Evanesco' it was gone. Another flick and the air resumed to its original pine tree and musk scent.

I tried to not think about what I'd witnessed and instead focused on what I'd done. I never even knew a connection was able to be manipulated like that. Or was it our connection only that allowed it? Could I manipulate my way mentally through other people's minds? Occlumency was the doorway to the mind for a reason...

And then I shook my head. What was I thinking? That sounded way too much into the dark arts.

But wasn't that why I was here? To pose as a Death Eater? And what could be more powerful than being able to enter someone's mind? But something told me I should keep this to myself. I'm sure Donovan had enough dark magic he planned to teach me. And though it went against everything I believed in, ultimately I believed in doing what was right. I didn't have some profound feeling that urged me to do this. I was scared and lost and I missed James and Charlie. But that's really why I was here. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to make a difference in the world and do the right thing, I was really just here to protect the people I loved. And I don't know if it made me selfish, but I thought not being able to be with them in order to protect them and maybe others too, were a pretty fair trade.

The miserable look of pain on James' face appeared in my mind.

I couldn't help the sigh that escaped me. I know I'm hurting him. It kills me.

But as many times as I'm sure to have this battle with myself, I know I'd choose this every time. He may feel abandoned, rejected, and even hate me. But I loved him. And even if he never knows it, this is all for him. And that's the part that keeps me going.