Thank you to Lilith and Ficfangirl. Fabulous ladies that made this story the best it can be. All errors are mine.
Welcome to the new followers. To those reading and the PM'ers, I thank you for your time and questions. To those who review, I appreciate all your thoughts and you make me smile.
A/N: Time needs to slow down a bit to give Edward time to heal. Also, I vacillated on adding Alice's POV to the storyline. It was going to be an outtake. I became interested in birth control in the early 1900's and was surprised at what was available. The reason behind the curiosity is part of my family history. Families of 8 - 12 kids, who in turn had just as many. One side of the family because of religious beliefs and the other side, uneducated in prevention. Unfortunately, many of those children died at birth or early on for various reasons, mostly due to medical costs. So the option is yours to read.
~ J *+* D ~
"I believe it has never been my misfortune to be placed where I lost my presence of mind – unless indeed it has been where thrown in strange company, particularly of ladies."
~ Ulysses S. Grant ~
Chapter 28
Jasper
To say I was surprised at how quickly the law moved was an understatement. After we returned upstairs, I walked into Alice's room. Hers had an open corner window and I wanted to hear the conversation. I hated to admit it, but I wasn't above taking out the two deputies if I had to. There was no way I was returning to that hellhole. I'd be dead as soon as I walked through the doors. No doubt at the hands of the Warden himself.
I heard Rose voice her concern and I agreed. They would be back. How soon was the only question? I felt Alice's hand on my arm and looked into her worried eyes. "Edward and I are going to have to leave soon. When Peter gets here, we'll take his truck and find another place to hide."
"You're not going anywhere without me. And if you think Bella is going to let you take Edward from her, you've got another think coming." She folds her arms in front of her in a stubborn stance – eyes defiant.
"Alice, I can't take the chance of you getting caught up further in this. You've already risked so much. There is only one guard who would be able to identify you, aside from Emmett and, I don't think Crowley could give an accurate description." Trying to reason with her.
"The only way you can convince me not to go with you is if you don't want me at all. Is that the issue you're skirting around or is it merely your fear of me getting caught?" she demands. Her eyes are locked on mine in a deep blue, steely vice.
How she could have ever come to that conclusion is beyond me. "It's my fear of you being caught in the crossfire if you're with me. Trust me, Alice. I want you with me. But not like this."
She softly smiles and you can see the instant relief in her stance as her shoulders relax. I can't help it, I have to hold her. So I do. She eagerly returns my embrace. She is a breath of fresh air; a gentle summer breeze. Someone I can pin my hopes to. She is my possible future and I want to test the waters to see if it's true.
Pulling away, I gently cup her face. Slowly lowering my head while our eyes drink each other in. Her hands move up my arms until they meet behind my neck and she pulls me closer towards our mutual goal. The second our lips meet, I feel both excitement and contentment. It's warm, inviting and sensual. I know I've found home. After what feels like an eternity, but in all actuality is no more than a fleeting moment, I gently pull back and rest my forehead against hers.
"Are you finished with your anxiety attack?" she murmurs as she opens her lust filled eyes.
I lightly chuckle. There is no way I can let her go and she knows it. "I'm done for now, but if something goes wrong, just remember I tried to protect you."
"Is that your way of saying you'll get to say 'I told you so,'" she impishly grins. I bark out a laugh. She is truly impossible. And I love it.
"Yes! But, I'll be gentle," I promise with a smirk.
~ J *+* D ~
We made our way downstairs to Edward's room. He looks comfortable and appears to be resting well. I don't want to disturb him so we head into the kitchen. Rose and Charlotte are helping Esme prepare breakfast and Alice leaves my side to assist them.
At the table, Carlisle is quietly speaking to Bella, who has a frown marring her forehead. "You're going to need to get some rest. You won't be any good to him, if you don't," he gently admonishes her.
"I know, I know. I'll take a nap after breakfast. He was just so restless last night and I was able to calm him down," she reluctantly agrees.
"You do, indeed," Carlisle agrees with a knowing grin. "He doesn't like my hands on him nearly as much as yours."
After all the stories I've heard about Bella taking down Peter, it surprises me to see a light blush color her cheeks, as she ducks her head. I can read her like a book. She's falling in love with Edward. The thought warms my heart. He needs someone to care for him. I take a seat in the empty chair next to her. To ease her embarrassment, I take the opportunity to ask Carlisle, "How's he doing?"
"Remarkably well, considering," Carlisle hedges cautiously. When he notices my raised brows he qualifies his comment.
"Aside from being shot, two broken ribs and several others that are bruised, infections in various wounds on his back from the lashings he's taken, various contusions all over his body, dehydration, exhaustion and lack of nourishment, he's doing very well." He shakes his head in wonder. "How he's survived this long is truly astonishing."
I almost blurted out that he was giving up, but I kept my mouth shut. They didn't need to hear how his mental state was far worse than his physical condition. Instead, I focus on the positive. "McCarty telling Bella and Alice about his condition aided, when they visited. Bella was able to give him a tincture, which gave him much needed relief and allowed him to sleep. Getting out when we did certainly helped. But," and I look Bella directly in the eyes, "seeing you, I think helped him the most. He never let me know what he was feeling, but I read people very well. You gave him the will and the strength to continue on. For that, I owe you my sincerest gratitude, Bella," I whisper as I take her hand giving it a light squeeze.
Her smile is radiant and her eyes misty with appreciation. She really cares deeply for Edward. It's truly wonderful to see. I don't know their future, but it's my hope it will be one with them together. Ironic too, if you think about it. Two men from completely different professions become friends in the worst possible conditions; meet two young women, who are best friends while we were on the lam. If that doesn't smack of fate lending a hand in our destinies, I don't know what does.
After breakfast, Bella is ordered to rest by everyone. We all take turns watching over Edward. Even Charlotte, who doesn't know him, spent an hour wiping his lightly fevered brow and telling him stories about Bella and Peter. He must have been awake at that point, because when she came out of the room, she laughed at the contented smile he had on his face. I went in next and he was, indeed, awake.
We talked about our escape and he was relieved to know that Lahote would never come after him again. I assisted him with his personal needs and Carlisle came in to give him another injection when Edward was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. He asked after Bella and I told him she was resting so she could stay the night with him again. Soon he was joining her in slumber and I quietly left the room.
~ J *+* D ~
At exactly 1:00 pm, we heard the warning barks from the dogs and the rumbling of a truck coming up the lane. Esme, Carlisle and Rose went out to greet the newcomer. Charlotte had shown them a photograph from their wedding so they knew what Peter looked like. We teased Esme about not scaring off another visitor and entertained all of them with stories of practical jokes that had been played on him and vice versa.
Watching from the window, I saw Peter take his time getting out of the truck, but remaining close by it. I'm sure the dogs worried him. Esme called them to her while Peter scan the welcoming committee and not recognizing any of them. I heard Carlisle call, "Hello there, stranger. Can we help you?"
"Um, yeah. I'm looking for my wife. She's supposed to be here." Peter was obviously unsure how to approach these people. It made me chuckle to see him fidgety.
"Your wife? What makes you think your wife might be here?" Esme probed, holding tightly onto the dogs' ropes.
"I'm pretty sure this was the place we discussed meeting." Peter's answer was more of a question and I could see he was becoming confused by how they were questioning him. He leans back into the cab and pulls out a map. He studies it for a bit, nods to himself, looks back up at the trio and, pointing to the map and states, "I'm positive, I'm at the right place." I hear Charlotte behind me giggling as she listens and watches Peter's interactions. I wonder why he doesn't simply ask if this is the Cullens' place? But then again, I can also understand his caution. He wouldn't want to haphazardly mention their name and give rise to suspicion.
Rose looks him up and down. "You have a map that gave you directions here? Let's see this map," she demands, beckoning him forward. He takes his time as he searches all their faces for any sign of deception and eyes the dogs. When he makes his way up the steps, Rose snatches the map from his hands and takes her sweet time reading various notes written on it. A wicked grin flashes and she masks it just as quickly. "Oh, I see where you went wrong. You're on the wrong side of river. Were you reading the map upside down?" She gazes up at him with such innocent eyes, I have to cover my mouth to prevent my laughter from spilling out.
Peter is so offended by her question, he snatches the map back out of her hands, "There is no way I was reading the map upside down! I'm the one who wrote the directions to this location."
"You wrote down the directions to my place?" Carlisle questions in a confused tone. "Why here?"
"To look for my wife?" Peter's eyebrows are raised as if to say, 'duh.'
"Maybe his wife doesn't want to be found and went somewhere else?" Esme whispers loudly to Carlisle, who is chuckling at a frustrated Peter.
"No, I don't think that's it," Rose suggests, looking him up and down and seeming to approve of what she finds. "I know plenty of men who can't read a map or ask for directions." She bats her eyes at him like a lovesick fool, making Peter highly uncomfortable. "Why don't you come inside and I'll help you get where you're supposed to be." Rose's demeanor changes abruptly as she snickers in a very patronizing way as she heads for the door.
Peter is affronted. His face reveals his aggravation, checking his watch and shaking his head. Carlisle and Esme are both laughing lightly. Peter ignores them as he follows Rose into the house. Those of us indoors scatter before the door opens; each finding a convenient door to hide behind.
From the crack in the door, I can see Peter gazing around anxiously to find Charlotte or anyone else he might recognize. Rose leads him into the sitting room and asks him to spread out his map on the center table. Peter is still looking around while Carlisle and Esme have their masks firmly back in place.
Esme is looking at the map and murmurs, "You do know there are two sides of Rainbow, right?" She smiles up at Peter, "I think you followed the road to the wrong end."
"I know what side of Rainbow I'm on. See, look here. I crossed this river and turned here based on this address. I'm right where I should be." Peter is indignant once again.
"You do know there are two banks of the river. I think you crossed from the opposite direction." Carlisle ignores his attitude.
"How do you know the direction I came from?" Peter questions, feeling triumphant at catching Carlisle in a fib.
"I don't, but we know where we are. Do you know where you are?" Carlisle counters.
Peter wasn't expecting that answer as he rubs his face and shuffles his feet. He's trying to figure out if he made a mistake. Worry is etched on his brow as he returns his gaze to the map and pulls out his pocket watch to check the time again. I hear him mumbling to himself and his finger retraces the route he took.
Just then a sleepy Bella walks into the room, yawns loudly and spots Peter. "Hey, Peter."
Without looking up from the map, Peter mumbles, "Hey, Bella." Within a hairs breadth, his head snaps up and his eyes dart to her as he shouts, "BELLA!?"
Startled, she jumps about a foot in the air and yells back at him. "WHAT!?"
"You're here!" Peter exclaims.
"Yeah. And!?" Her expression suggests he's gone insane, as the house erupts in laughter.
Peter is pissed at first, as a giggling Charlotte enters the room, wraps her arms around him in welcome. Next, she introduces him to the smiling faces of Esme, Carlisle and Rose. When he spots me, I've never seen him so relieved or excited, excluding the day he married Charlotte.
"You are a sight for sore eyes, Jasper." He moves away from Charlotte and pulls me in for a bear hug.
"It's really good to see you too, Peter." And it is. I've missed him.
We all settle into the crowded sitting room and the questions begin. We ask how long Peter stayed behind the rocks and he lets us know that he and Seth kept the guards at bay for about five minutes longer before they retreated. From his vantage point, he knew no other guards followed in our direction, possibly because the rest of the inmates ran towards the cages and then kept on going towards the prison. The guards decided to round them up first. Bella asked if he saw Emmett. Peter reassured us that he was fine. He and another guard helped the one Bella smacked with the jack back to the main area. That was all he had time to view.
He told us how he needed to get out of there fast. He had left his truck was still running and he didn't want anyone swiping it. As soon as he cleared the rock formation and came to the road, there were Silver and Slider. He offered them a ride and they hastily jumped into the back of his truck and laid down for part of the journey. After driving for about an hour and a half, Peter detoured behind some boulders by a creek, where he stopped. He got out of the truck and checked on his passengers, who were nervous, obviously not knowing what to expect from him. He calmed them down and told them they were safe as he pulled out bolt cutters from behind the passenger side of the cab.
I was surprised at this, until he explained that Alice supplied all the vehicles with clothing and food, while Seth tossed in the bolt cutters and fuel cans. They wanted all possible scenarios covered. I was even more impressed with their planning and I said as much. Alice beamed and Peter grinned.
Once their manacles were removed, he rummaged through his bags and offered them clean clothes. Silver and Slider walked to the creek to toss in their chains and wash up. Once they were dressed, they tossed their prison garb on the small fire Peter had built. Introductions were made, their real names were Thomas and Richard. Peter shared his sandwiches, pastries, fruit and water as they stood around and watched all traces of their time in prison become ashes.
Peter informed them that he was headed to the border of Tennessee and they could catch a ride up to that point. He wasn't about to offer a ride to where he was headed after that. They quickly and gratefully accepted. After kicking the fire out and covering it with dirt, they all squeezed into the cab.
During the drive they told him what they had witnessed. It was obvious they knew he was part of the escape plan. What surprised us was the fact that they had a feeling from the beginning about what was happening. One had noticed when Emmett clipped the chain to Preacher Man's outer leg. They felt that if there was no chance of their escape when everything went down, they were hoping that Preacher Man made it out safely. They both agreed he didn't deserve what had happened to him. The name Lahote was mentioned several times as if he were the devil incarnate.
Peter was able find a town that was mostly populated by black families. They all felt this would be the safest place to be dropped off. Peter gave them some cash and wished them well. Their parting words after their thanks were, 'Take care of Preacher Man and Ace.'
~ J *+* D ~
During dinner we discussed Maria. Peter was a font of information. Again, I'm impressed. Using Demetri to find out information was a brilliant stroke of genius. Demetri's findings interested Rose from the onset. When Maria's new man was identified as Eric Yorkie, Rose had a conniption fit. When she settled down, she explained that he was on the jury in Edward's case. Carlisle stiffened as he described a dark haired, wiry man to Rose. Rose nodded and Carlisle swore under his breath. She elaborated further how she had uncovered he was the one responsible for Edward's guilty verdict. It was a stunning revelation. Carlisle and Esme were both now ticked off. They felt vindicated in their belief in his innocence. My mind wandered. Were Edward's case and mine related or was it purely coincidental?
Esme took dinner for Bella and Edward to his room. Bella had absconded in there right after Peter said, Emmett was fine. She was the best nursemaid for him, getting him to eat and drink. He'd turn petulant if anyone else offered; only accepting meals from her. We all think it is his way of spending time alone with Bella. Not that she cared. In fact, we all think she prefers it that way as well. The only help he's asked for from Carlisle or me were those of a private nature. Bella insisted that Carlisle teach her how to give an injection. This way Carlisle would get a full night's sleep and Edward wouldn't have to wait until she woke Carlisle up.
Later in the evening, Esme and Rose said their goodnights. Carlisle was checking on Edward once more before he headed off to bed, issuing last minute instructions to Bella.
Peter, Charlotte, Alice and I sit around the kitchen table and play a few hands of poker. It feels like old times. Alice has never played before, but she's a quick learner and is doing quite well. During our play, we talk about the visit from the deputies. It's not safe to remain here and it could possibly bring danger to Esme and Carlisle. I figure the sooner we find another place to stay, the better. Even though we've just reunited after all this time, I entrust Peter to find us the best hiding place possible, preferably closer to New Orleans. I'm really interested in paying Maria a long overdue visit.
We decide that as soon as Edward is able to travel, we will leave. Suggestions for our destination fly right and left. We finally give up on the subject for the night and simply relax.
We play a few more hands and then call it a night. Alice is getting to me with her subtle flirtations. I need to stop her in her tracks before things take a turn in a different direction. She's incredibly precious to me and, I don't want to jump immediately into a physical relationship. I'm still concerned about Edward's and my safety, let alone Alice's and everyone else's.
I walk her to her room and give in to her eager demands for a good night kiss. For a previously self-indulgent man who's been away from women for over six months, it takes all the strength I can muster to pull away and gently push her into her room. Her sulking pout is not making this easy on me.
I slide into bed and grin to myself as I remember that pout. Don't worry, Alice, our time will come. I close my eyes and envision all the ways I'd please her in the future. That pout will be long gone.
~ J *+* D ~
"It irritates me to be told how things have always been done. I defy the tyranny of precedent. I cannot afford the luxury of a closed mind."
~ Clara Barton ~
Alice
I'm gently pushed into my room and Jasper quietly closes the door. He's driving me crazy. I know he cares for me, but I wonder if my feelings for him are stronger than his. Scratch that thought. I don't believe it for a second. He has to be worried about being recaptured and any fallout that could occur for the rest of us should it happen.
It doesn't matter to me that he's on the run. I want him like music needs an instrument or a voice to express its beauty. I need him like a flower needs a stamen and pollination to reproduce. I snicker at the last thought. Not as poetic as I was trying for, but the end result would be very satisfying I'm sure. I can picture myself large with Jasper's child. I rub my flat stomach with a yearning for the someday that very vision would become a reality.
But not now, not until he is truly free. For now, we can't be like a normal couple. We can't go on a date. We can't even get married. We don't know what the future holds. Am I able to wait that long with a dark cloud hanging over our heads? Of course I am. What a stupid question! I shake my head at myself.
I turned twenty one this year and most girls are married by now with a child or two or three. I remember the heavily pregnant, young woman I saw with her husband at a vegetable stand as we traveled to the Cullens' place. They looked so happy. I had a brief vision of that happiness being Jasper and me when he spotted them and held me tight to him. It had removed from my mind the weight left by my last client.
Suddenly, she again assails my memory. I never felt the deep ache of sadness I felt for her with my other clients. Most of my clients were merely part of the circle of life, elderly or released from the sufferings of a long illness. Some were alcoholics or addicts. My last client, however, was a young, full term, pregnant woman. She was alone when her labor started and it was because of that she passed. Had someone been with her, they would have known of her distress. She would have had help from a doctor or a midwife and both would have probably survived.
Unfortunately, that was not the case. According to the doctor who examined her before she was brought to the funeral home, the baby was breach. The infant was never delivered. Her family knew how much she looked forward to becoming a first time mother, deciding to keep the two together. I was able to warm up her skin and massage away the look of heartbreak and desperation from her still features. I left her with a look of contentment, dressed in a lovely gown with her hands forever folded over her belly. Protecting and caressing her baby.
I shake my head this time to clear the image. That won't happen to me! When my time comes, I will have someone with me or close by. Maybe I'll have Esme and Carlisle come and stay with me. I smile to myself again. They are such warm, compassionate and caring people. The only good thing that came out of the worst night of Edward's life was his meeting with Carlisle.
I ready myself for bed and once again my thoughts turn to Jasper. Be prepared, Jasper Whitlock. You may have just recently regained your freedom, but you belong to me and I will never let you go. My imagination flies as I think of all the ways to make him see we belong together as I drift to sleep.
~ J *+* D ~
This morning I made a decision. I needed to talk to Esme. We knew she studied women's health and was a certified midwife. If we were going to be leaving soon, who would answer my personal questions about preventing pregnancy aside from abstinence? Bella knows as little as I do. Emmett and Seth both ensured that when guy talk turned to girls and Billy was present, it went no further than the topic of a kiss. It would frustrate Bella to no end. She argued the point that if she was to continue the charade of being a boy; she needed to know all things. They both heartily disagreed.
I was told Esme was in Carlisle's office and Carlisle was currently in with Edward. I knock on the door and hear Esme's answer. "Come in."
Bella is with her and their heads are bent towards each other. She's grilling Esme about her nursing skills. Bella is determined to learn all she can for her patient. She's especially concerned now with our imminent departure. I quietly listen and learn a few things myself. When there's a lull in the conversation, I blurt out, "I'm worried if Jasper and I become intimate, I'll become pregnant."
Both are taken by surprise. Bella chuckles at my flustered announcement. Esme shakes her head, grinning at the embarrassment plastered on my face. I look at Bella and whisper, "My last client."
Bella's smile immediately dissolves. She knew how hard the young woman's death distressed me and she was the one to comfort me on the drive home.
Esme's smile soon falters, as her eyes dart between the two of us. "Explain what I'm missing in that last comment." And I do, telling her about my former job and my last client.
Esme hugs me when I finish and whispers, "Now I understand your real concern." She rises from her seat and walks over to a file cabinet where she pulls out some pamphlets. She hands Bella and I one each and keeps one for herself.
"This should be in every woman's possession and passed around to every woman who is concerned about becoming pregnant before they feel the time is right." She looks at the both of us with a no nonsense attitude.
"You would think, in this day and age, with all the advancements in science, that prevention would be a commonly talked about subject. Unfortunately, it's not." She has our attention as she explains, "Just a few years ago, in 1916, Mrs. Margaret Sanger opened the first birth control clinic in the United States. It led to her arrest for distributing information on contraception. Long story short, it wasn't until this year that a judge ruled that doctors could prescribe birth control." She looks between the two of us to gauge our interest.
"It's these brochures that got her arrested and are still banned today. I'd like you to read them and return them. I want to keep them should I ever teach classes on women's health. They've been a tremendous help for me. Carlisle and I were considering starting our family until he became involved with Edward's case. I'm not blaming Edward, mind you. It's just that the ostracization, death threats and uncertainty of where we would next set up a permanent residence, caused us to decide to wait. Carlisle and I have successfully avoided children due to the wise words Ms. Sanger wrote." This time her eyes were leveled at Bella. She wants it firmly understood she harbors no ill will towards Edward.
Bella returns her gaze, nodding her head in understanding. "You and Carlisle are good people, Esme. You've proven that by helping Edward again and by allowing us all to be here. It's not for me to question your reasons."
"Good!" Esme smiles and reaches her hand out to Bella's and squeezes it gently. "Now, there is a passage that always stood out to me. She's talking about a prevention method that we will talk about shortly, but it was the visual I had in my head after seeing so many women who didn't understand, or refused for religious purposes, the benefits of prevention. I'll read it to you."
She clears her throat and reads aloud. 'Of course, it is troublesome to get up to douche, it is also a nuisance to have to trouble about the date of the menstrual period. It seems inartistic and sordid to insert a pessary or a suppository in anticipation of the sexual act. But it is far more sordid to find yourself several years later burdened down with half a dozen unwanted children, helpless, starved, shoddily clothed, dragging at your skirt, yourself a dragged out shadow of the woman you once were.' Esme sits back and watches our features as we absorb her words.
The passage hit the nail on the head for me. Having grown up in an area where such families existed in poverty, with a child born almost every year, increasing their burdens, was not the kind of life I wanted. I had been worried about childbirth. Now I'm more concerned about becoming one of those women. I open the pamphlet and my eyes land on another line. 'Every woman who is desirous of preventing conception will follow this advice: Don't wait to see if you do not menstruate (monthly sickness) but make it your duty to see that you do.' They are undeniably wise words of wisdom. Margaret Sanger is brilliant. I just want to sit here and read the whole pamphlet.
Esme interrupts my reading of the next line. "I can give you a summary of what is the best way to prevent pregnancy and answer any of your questions after. And I'll even make it a show and tell, since I have the best prevention remedies Miss Margaret writes about. I have decided I want to keep up my training, and it looks like that idea has definitely come in handy." She quietly laughs at the rise of color on both Bella's and my cheeks.
She suddenly stops our lesson as she quickly looks at Bella and then me. "I'm sorry, Bella. I wasn't thinking. You may not want to take part in this discussion." Embarrassment now covers Esme's features. I wasn't surprised by the look I see in Bella's eyes. No coyness is evident. Nope, not any. Instead, I see anticipation from the benefits of this conversation. I wonder if she and Edward have shared a kiss or two.
"I'm very interested in learning more, Esme. Only if Alice is good with me being here." Bella cuts her eyes to mine and I can tell she wants to do this with me.
Esme turns to me, "I apologize to you, too, Alice. I should have asked if you wanted to speak in private."
"Esme, Bella and I know so much about each other, I doubt there are too many secrets." I raise a brow at Bella, daring her to spill whether she's kissed Edward. She grins widely at me and then challenges me with a tilt of her head. I smile back and it's enough to have us both chuckling.
Esme must have been watching us closely, because she too smiles and replies, "All rightie then, it's a good thing we're having this conversation now." And we all giggle together.
We spend over an hour closeted in the office learning about douche bags called fountain syringes and how and what solutions can be used. Cider vinegar was Esme's preferred choice and she felt it was very effective if the man didn't use a condom or cot and the woman didn't use a pessary or mizpah. Esme explained this was a type of diaphragm that covered the woman's womb.
Of course, we learned in great detail about said condoms and pessary. Esme referred to an area in the pamphlet that stated, 'The condom is one of the most commonly known preventatives in the United States. It has another value quite apart from prevention in decreasing the tendency in the male to arrive at the climax in the sexual act before the female.' Esme explained how wonderful lovemaking could be for not only the man, but also for the woman. I remember experiencing various dreams of Jasper when I was overcome with the powerful feeling she described.
We all laughed when she quoted another area, 'Thousands of well-meaning men ask the advice of physicians as to the cause of the sexual coldness and indifference of their wives. Nine times out of ten it is the fault of the man, who through ignorance and selfishness and inconsiderateness, has satisfied his own desire and promptly gone off to sleep. The woman in self-defense has learned to protect herself from the long hours of sleepless nights and nervous tension by refusing to become interested.'
"Now this is not something that either of you want to happen. It's very important that you talk to your special one and let him know what you want or need. Women through the ages have been taught to keep their mouths shut, knees together and that sex is only for the procreation of children. Women are to suffer through the animalistic urges of men. I'm here to tell you, this is wrong on so many levels. It's a joy to share intimacies with someone you care about.
Next she took us through the use of the pessary, which is commonly used in France, and its American counterpart, the mizpah. It was Margaret Sanger's and Esme's surest method of preventing conception. She showed us a rubbery looking thing that looked like a shallow cup or bowl of sorts. Then she explained how it was to be inserted into the woman's vagina. This, of course, made both Bella and I a tad bit uncomfortable, and we asked all sorts of questions such as: could it get lost, would it hurt, could it go too far up into our bodies?
Thankfully, Esme was extremely patient and pulled out an anatomy book and showed us a cut view of a woman's anatomy. She elaborated on how the mizpah, when inserted correctly, would cover the womb, prohibiting sperm from entering and potentially causing a pregnancy. With those words, all squeamishness left my body. I can do that. The positive side was, if fitted properly, I'd have no discomfort, and Jasper wouldn't feel it. I'd need to practice, but I'd rather do this then have to rely on Jasper to have condoms on him. Unless he borrowed some from Peter or Carlisle, I wanted to be covered on my side. Now more than ever, I decided I was not yet ready for children.
We discussed so many things, from falling asleep after intimacy, to suppositories, to recipes for cleansing and lubricants. I was astonished at all the ways there were to prevent pregnancy. I realized that I was more sheltered than I had thought. Yes, Bella and I had spoken about sex in the someday our prince will come sort of way, but not the outcome of what those intimacies could produce. We never spoke about protection or unwanted children, because neither of us had ever been interested in anyone to bring those thoughts to the forefront. It was interesting that both of us now wanted to gain all the knowledge possible beforehand.
"Now listen you two. This discussion is usually held before a woman is to be married. I'm not advocating for either of you to rush into a premarital relationship or to change your beliefs and values. The intimacies between a man and a women are a powerful experience where you honor your love and complete devotion for one another. Know the difference between love and lust." Esme sagely advises, looking us both hard in the eyes to ensure we understand.
"With that being said, there are always differing views. Some woman would argue that they felt they had found their soul mate and it was natural to explore the experience prior to marriage. One even suggested, 'When you are ready and feel you are with the one you want to spend your life with, then you might decide to taste the milk to see if it's sweet or sour. If it's sweet, then you have probably met your match. If it's sour because you received little or no pleasure and he is unwilling to listen to your intimate needs, he may not be open to your desires in other aspects of life with regards to children and financial security.'" Esme shakes her head before adding, "I am unbiased in this area, but will always listen if you need to talk. The bottom line is, this is your decision and yours alone." This is information I never gained from my mother. I snort at the idea, as I briefly wonder how she's doing.
"If you'll accept them, I would like to give you both a bag with various prevention items. You don't have to take them, but when the time comes and you are ready to discover the intimate side of life, I would think you would want to be prepared." Neither of us said, no, to her offer. In fact, Bella jumped up from her seat and hugged Esme tightly.
"Thank you, Esme. Not only for enlightening me about protection, but for letting me know that it's okay to take control of my own destiny. I've always assumed it was a man's world in this matter. Now I know, it's my world, too. Let me get my handbag to reimburse you, so that you can restock what you've given us," Bella rambled.
"You're more than welcome, dear. And no, this is my gift to you both. Money is not an issue for us. Actually, this was very good training for me. You reinforced my ideas that the need exists and there are young women willing and eager to learn how to take care of themselves." Esme beams at the both of us.
I embrace her next. "Thank you, Esme. I'm so glad I opened my mouth when I did. I'm sure you've guessed where my interest lies."
"You're welcome and yes, I've seen the handsome man you have your eyes on," Esme chuckles. Then she looks over at Bella. "You, too, young lady. I've seen how much you care for Edward. I wish you both well in your pursuits."
Before we leave the room, she suggests practicing the placement of the mizpah, if that's our choice, so when the time comes we will be prepared. Plus, it will take care of the pinching that may occur from the loss of the hymen. I'm way ahead of her in my planning on that end.
During the rest of day, Jasper is acting the part of a courtly gentleman with chaste kisses and sweet hand holding. I don't want sweet – I want passion. So I will practice and prepare for when he is ready.
~ J *+* D ~
