SG1 relaxes at Jack's house and unofficially celebrates Daniel's successful return from the System Lord Summit.
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Sprawled in the corner of Jack's couch with his feet up on the coffee table amid the empty beer bottles and pizza boxes, Daniel complained loudly,
"Why is it that everyone on this show that wears glasses is old, ugly or geeky?" He paused, and then added, "Or all three?"
"Shh!" Jack said, firmly, "There's no talking during the Simpson's marathon; and did you just use the 'g' word?"
"I believe Daniel Jackson may be inebriated," Teal'c observed.
"Am not," Daniel protested.
"Are too," Jack said.
"Not."
"Are."
"I'm not too drunk to notice that there are no sexy people on Simpsons who wear glasses," Daniel pointed out.
From the kitchen Sam said, "I wasn't aware of any sexy people on Simpsons."
Daniel seemed to consider that for a moment and then said, "But if there were they wouldn't be wearing glasses."
Jillian came back into the room. She and Sam had been attempting to clean up, since they were the only ones who seemed to care about pizza mess. They were also a shade more sober than Jack and Daniel, though probably not as stone sober as Teal'c.
"There are lots of sexy people who wear glasses," she said, squeezing into the place between Teal'c and Daniel.
"Name one," Daniel demanded.
"Besides you?" she countered.
He frowned at her, shook his head and finished off the last of the beer in the bottle he was holding before setting it on the floor.
"You're biased," he said, slinging an arm around her shoulders, "You don't get a vote."
"Hey!"
"Then name someone else," he challenged.
"No talking during the Simpsons!" Jack repeated.
"It's a commercial" Daniel said.
"Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird," Jillian said.
"What?" Daniel asked.
"Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird," Jillian repeated, "The glasses, the suit," she paused and gave an elaborate shiver, "Soooo hot."
"Johnny Depp," Sam said, returning to the room.
"Oh yeah," Jillian said, "That one too; and Cary Grant in Bringing up Baby."
Jack stared at her, "Who chooses your movie rentals anyway?"
Jillian wrinkled her nose at him.
"Oh, come on!" Daniel said, "Just look at this show! Hans Moleman, Milhouse, Professor Fink, Grandpa…."
"All classic characters," Jack said, lovingly.
"But not sexy," Daniel said.
"John Lennon," Sam said, finding her way back to the chair near Jack.
Daniel shot her a mystified look.
"Really?" he asked, then he shook his head, "I mean seriously, hasn't Clark Kent been proving for decades that you have to take your glasses off to be attractive? Lois Lane wasn't even remotely interested in him until he lost his glasses."
"I always thought it was the spandex suit myself," Sam murmured.
Jack looked at her and raised his eyebrows. A pink flush tinted her cheeks.
Still on a roll, Daniel went on, "And while we're talking about Clark Kent, how stupid is that disguise anyway? If I take my glasses off right now is everyone going to look around and wonder who I am and where the hell Daniel went?"
"SHHH! The show is back on," Jack said, "If you don't shut up, I'm going to pitch you over the deck rail and then everyone will wonder where you went."
"Cào nǐ zǔzōng shíbā dài," Daniel muttered.
"Daniel!" Jillian gasped.
His eyes grew wide. "Oh sorry, usually I can say what I want around them."
Jack rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I work daily with a guy who can tell me to go screw myself in thirty languages."
"That wasn't what he suggested," Jillian said, still glaring at Daniel, who was giving her his very best innocent puppy look. "If you were Chinese you'd be beating the crap out of him."
"If you hate your glasses so much, Daniel, why don't you just wear contacts? You did for this last mission," Sam observed.
"Am I still treating the eye infection I got?" Daniel asked, rhetorically. "Every time I put the damn things in, I get one; not to mention the lecture from Janet – even though I told her I was going to wind up with an infection."
"It would help if you'd remember to take them out," Jillian said.
"How many times have you found me asleep with my glasses on? I can't even remember to take them off half the time," Daniel replied.
"SHHHHHH," Jack insisted. "God, this is the last time I invite any of you for the Simpsons marathon."
"Promise?" Daniel asked.
"Jillian, how do you say 'shut up' in Chinese?" Jack asked.
"Qù nǐde," Jillian said.
Jack opened his mouth and closed it a few times and then said, "Yeah, what she said."
Daniel had gone from his innocent look to one of shocked disbelief, "Don't teach him that!"
"It wasn't 'shut up'?" Jack asked.
"Well it was," Daniel said, "and a little bit more."
"Quiet!" Jack growled, "You're going to miss the best part of this episode."
"Yeah, come one, guys, it's almost Marge's dream sequence," San said.
Jack's neck almost snapped as he whipped around to stare at Sam. She shrugged,
"You're not the only one who watches this you know," Sam said, "I'm just not fanatical about it. Sir. Marge's dream sequence from Fear of Flying is a classic."
Jack continued to stare at Sam with something resembling awe. Daniel could spend all the time he wanted with Jillian watching Gregory Peck movies and trading Mandarin phrases. He'd take a Simpson-watching, jet-flying, sharp-shooting Air Force Major with turquoise eyes.
A moment later, Sam was giggling over Marge Simpson's dream. Even Daniel dropped his head back on the couch and laughed.
During the next commercial break, Jack got up to bring in another chilled six pack of beer and a can of V8 Fusion for Teal'c. Daniel and Sam both took another beer, though Jillian waved it off. She patted Daniel's chest affectionately.
"I'm his designated walker," she said, "Someone has to make sure he gets safely to the guest room."
"Just get up and start walking," Daniel said, nuzzling his face in her hair, "I'll follow you anywhere."
"Hey, Daniel, "Sam said, "Do you know what the Heineken Uncertainty Principle is?"
Daniel looked at her blankly and then said, solemnly, "No, Sam, I do not."
"It's when you can't remember how many beers you had the night before," Sam said, and then giggled.
For some reason Daniel found that wildly funny. When he stopped laughing he said,
"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive…'"
Sam laughed and said, "Wow, look at the 'soft' scientist making chemistry jokes."
"I am not a 'spoft….errr, soft' scientist!" Daniel protested, drinking from the bottle in his hand.
"I can attest to that," Jillian said, which she and Sam found wildly funny.
Daniel choked on the beer he was trying to swallow.
Sam took a healthy swallow from her bottle of beer and then quoted,
"A mathematician confided, that a Mobius strip is one-sided. You'll get quite a laugh
if you cut it in half, for it stays in one piece when divided."
Daniel, Sam and Jillian collapsed in hysteria.
"Oh god," Jack moaned, "Science geek humor."
"Hey!" Sam said.
Jack pointed at Daniel, "He said the 'g' word first!"
"Perhaps you would prefer that I translate another humorous story told by the Jaffa, O'Neill," Teal'c suggested.
"NO!" Jack, Sam and Daniel all said at the same time and then looked at each other and grinned.
Jillian glanced at Teal'c to see if he was insulted and found nothing but amusement in his expression.
"I gotta pee," Daniel said, standing up abruptly and heading for the door to Jack's deck.
"Daniel!" Jack snapped, "The bathroom is that way."
He pointed forcefully down the hall.
"The deck is closer."
"You're not peeing off my deck!" Jack said. "Teal'c, get Einstein to the bathroom for me?"
Teal'c stood.
"You live in the middle of nowhere!" Daniel said, but Teal'c had reached him by then and turned him in the direction of the hallway. "Hey, watch, I bet I'm still sober enough to walk across the back of the couch."
"If you want like a true challenge, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said, "I suggest you try walking around the couch."
They made it to the hall and Daniel looked confused for a moment and then started into the kitchen.
"The bathroom is this way," Teal'c said.
"Are you sure?" Daniel asked, sounding doubtful of Teal'c's sanity.
"Certain."
"Okay," Daniel sighed, heavily, as if he was only humoring his Jaffa friend, "If you're sure."
"Make sure he hits the bowl!" Jack yelled down the hall after them.
Sam and Jillian inadvertently looked at each and then rolled their eyes.
"Those of us sharing that bathroom with you would appreciate it!" Sam hollered.
"Do you ever wonder if we're being punished for something?" Jillian asked her," Being forced to hang out with three men all the time?"
"We should do a girls night," Jillian suggested. "Wine and cheese? Facials and manicures?"
"A Johnny Depp marathon? Starting with Chocolat?"
"Sounds wonderful," Jillian purred.
Daniel's voice was loud, echoing off tile and porcelain.
"Hey! I can do that myself."
"No more beer for him," Jack said.
"I think you may be right," Jillian agreed.
They were well into the next episode of the Simpsons when Teal'c and Daniel returned. Daniel flopped back into the corner of the couch and Jillian draped her arms and legs over him again.
"So what episode is this?" Daniel asked.
"Oh you're going to love this one," Jack said, "Homer becomes a member of a secret society called the Stonecutters and accidentally destroys a sacred ancient parchment."
Daniel stared at him somewhat horrified. "And this is funny how?"
"Just watch," Jack assured him.
Daniel muttered something Jack didn't catch. Jack figured that was just as well. He watched Daniel slide further down on the couch, until his head was resting against it and the rest of him was once again sprawled mostly on the coffee table. At the least the scientist appeared to finally be willing to shut up.
At least, Jack thought, the scientist had made it back alive. They all had.
The episode Homer the Great played out for them and Daniel managed to say nothing for a little while. Then he wailed,
"He uses it as a napkin? JACK!"
This time it was O'Neill who laughed and couldn't stop.
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