Twenty Eight: Eight words

He couldn't sleep and didn't want to go to his room, knowing that staring at the ceiling would just drive him mad. Every second he had spent with Astrid was replayed over and over, every gesture dissected in excruciating detail, every nuance of her words analysed and overanalysed. His mind began to persuade him that nothing was real, that everything she said to him was just in friendship, was just polite and not underpinned by anything other than casual fondness.

No, that's not right, he thought desperately. She kissed me, she held me, she said she loved me. And I know when Astrid means it. This is just…her being thoughtless. Yes, thoughtless…the girl who leaves no detail uncovered, who would never leave a friend behind…

Except she did. Four years ago…and now. And though this isn't at all the same level of abandonment, she did leave you at that Awards Dinner and you had to get a cab back on your own. Cami wasn't answering either.

This must be it. They've decided I've served my purpose and I'm no longer worth any effort in looking after…because they're going to end it.

He slumped back in the couch and grabbed the controller, clicking in the TV and flicking through the channels, absently looking for something to distract him…but his attention was grasped by the rolling news channel and the images of the glitterati arriving at the Awards Ceremony…and among them, the glowing presence of Astrid, shining and beautiful with his own awkward shape behind her. And he closed his eyes and felt an inward cringe. Bella had been right: he was completely useless and worthless, a fish out of water in the world Astrid lived in. And it was painfully obvious that she didn't need him…well, not any more. And if she wanted someone else, though it broke his heart, he would respect her wishes.

I mean, what can I really offer her? She's amazing, rich, talented. She has her soccer and her fashion line and her friends…she doesn't need me now. And if she has Thuggory…she'll be happy. He can give her everything that I can't…and he's a part of her world. He belongs. I don't. Not here. Everyone has made that very clear.

But he couldn't imagine a life without Astrid now, a life without seeing her smile in the morning, hearing her tease him, feeling her in his arms…even life with Bella would be better than that desolation.

But you knew it was going to end, right? Bella was right. About everything.

He lost track of time, staring at the cycling images, a few new stories diluting the painful image of him at Astrid's side, seeing the anxiety and hope in his own eyes…hope which was now gone. He knew the truth.

He almost missed the click of the lock and he froze as the door slid open, hearing the sounds of giggles and voices. Shrouded in the shadows, he watched as Astrid staggered in giggly and dishevelled and clearly very drunk-and he felt his fist clench in anger at the tall, buff shape behind her. Thuggory was grinning and trying to kiss her, an arm wound indiscreetly around her slender middle.

"Shhh…I have neighbours…" she giggled as she staggered into the main area. Thuggory swung her round to face him.

"And you know they should be honoured to live next to the Soccer Valkyrie?" he said smugly. He pressed a kiss on her mouth and she barely struggled, pulling back and giggling.

"Stop that!" she sniggered. "Look, it's been a great evening but I'm tired…" Thuggory raised and hand and stroked her face.

"Bed, then," he said and she laughed gently, then pushed him back.

"Hush, you," she scolded him. "I think you need to go home…"

"You know you want this," he told her, leaning towards her once more. "I'll treat you well, Ast. You're amazing, you're gorgeous and you're the sexiest woman I know…"

"How about your girlfriend?" Hiccup asked from the couch.

There was an awkward silence and Astrid jumped back from Thuggory, staggering drunkenly as the raven-haired man glared at the shadowy shape.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded.

"I live here," Hiccup replied sharply. "What about your girlfriend? Are you planning on telling her you're trying to sleep with Astrid while she's away working?" Thuggory snorted.

"It's none of your business," he scoffed.

"It's my business because it's Astrid!" he snarled, rising to his feet. "And I'm her fiancé. Go. Now."

"I think it should be Astrid's decision," Thuggory sneered, looking at the blonde. Breathing hard, Astrid nodded.

"Thanks for a great evening, Thug…but he's right. You have to consider Liz as well." There was a pause and as the man gave an irritated breath, Hiccup realised he was planning to spend the night with Astrid…despite her well-publicised engagement. Nodding reluctantly, he took Astrid's hand and raised it to his lips…and then jerked her into his arms and kissed her forcefully. He pulled away before she could react and slung his tuxedo over his shoulder, smirking as he left. There was silence as the door slammed.

Astrid staggered as she pulled her shoes off and gave a sigh of relief.

"I'm exhausted," she said, her speech slurred and she gave him a smile. But Hiccup was unreasonably angry, the feelings of betrayal worse because he had believed her apologies before.

"Where were you?" he asked her and she frowned.

"At the Bifrost Club," she said as if it was obvious. "The winners always go there for an after party…"

"I had no idea where you were," he said evenly. "I was left at the Dinner and I had no idea if you were unwell or coming back or-or anything." She stared at him and then her eyes widened.

"Sorry-I thought you'd know," she said. "Didn't Mala and Rika tell you?"

"Astrid-they shouldn't have to-because you should," he said firmly. "I went here with you because you wanted me there. And then you abandoned me like unwanted luggage when you met up with the clearly far more attractive and interesting winners. Did you even think to text me-or were you too busy chatting up Thuggory?"

"What's it to you?" she asked him sharply. A part of his mind was reminding him that he shouldn't be having this conversation now, while he was hurt and angry and Astrid was drunk and irritated but the other part of him was stronger and wanted-for once-to let someone know that he had feelings as well and they were worth fighting for.

"Astrid, I care for you," he said sharply. "I'm your friend. I worried about you. I needed to know where you are!"

"Hiccup-I'm a big girl and I've been looking after myself for years without you questioning me!" she said irritably.

"But you've got me now and I have to worry," he told her. "He was here for…you. And he didn't care about his girlfriend-or me. I thought you didn't want any more complicated relationships?"

"That ship has sailed," she snapped.

"But…"

"Hiccup-I don't like being questioned like a teen who's been out after curfew!" she told him bluntly.

"Well someone needs to remind you about some of the realities of life!" he said more loudly than he had intended.

"Why? It's not like we're really engaged, is it?" she snapped.

He stared at her and his stillness and the utter hurt in his eyes snapped her back to the present. She gasped.

"Hiccup-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to…"

"No, you're right. I should be sorry. I mean, I'm only here to prop up your clothing line and further your image, aren't I?" he said sarcastically. "It's not like I actually matter. Thanks, Astrid. I obviously needed reminding. I think I'll go to bed now." And he turned away and walked to the door of his room.

"Hiccup! I'm sorry! I didn't mean…" she begged but the slam of the door was final. And breathing hard, she stared at the blank door. Then she flung her shoes at the door. "Then BE like that!" she yelled and ran into her own room, the door slamming as well.

Sitting on his bed, he stared at the image of Astrid on his phone and closed his eyes.

Bella had been right.

oOo

The next morning, Astrid awoke with a thick head, a crick in her neck where she had collapsed onto the bed and a vague feeling that she should be doing something else. And she knew it wasn't a training session because no team scheduled anything the day after the Awards, because almost all of their top stars would be in no shape to put in any sort of performance. She groaned and rolled over, the light hurting her eyes and she realised she had slept in the beautiful gown, which was now the most crumpled assortment of satin and silk known to man. Sighing, she carefully sat up.

The light was streaming through the window and it was clearly far later than usual. Her clock-when she could focus-read 11:13 and her eyes widened in shock. Frowning, she stumbled to her feet and struggled her way out of the gown, carefully hanging it up to allow some of the creases to fall out and then, discarding her underwear, she staggered into her shower. A hot and fast shower later, her head was feeling a little better and she was clean and damp. Scrubbing herself, she recalled images...mainly of Thuggory who had been all over her in the Club. They had definitely made out very publicly-which she regretted-and he had accompanied her home, though he clearly wasn't here now. She had been certain he was planning to stay and she wondered why he had changed his mind, because she didn't recall yelling at him.

No-because she had yelled at Hiccup.

The recollection hit her like a bucket of cold water, finishing sobering her up very effectively.

She had yelled at Hiccup.

It's not like we're really engaged, is it?

Oh Gods.

She hastily combed through her hair, grabbed any clothes and emerged into the apartment-and found it empty. There was no sign of anyone...especially the quiet, auburn-haired man she had hurt so devastatingly last night. Toothless briefly glanced up at her, hissed and vanished under the couch, which made her feel worse. Because she had behaved as if they were actually engaged and in truth, she had sort of started to believe it herself...but they weren't. And she had thrown that back in his face when he was protecting her from a terrible mistake. Sober Astrid knew Thuggory was unreliable, unfaithful and only out for a quick lay...though he enjoyed the limelight and Astrid certainly attracted it. But to sleep with him while he had a girlfriend and she was 'engaged' would be personally as well as commercially disastrous and Hiccup knew that. He had fulfilled every part of the bargain and dealt with some appalling things while all she had done was increase her bank balance.

And he had never asked for a penny. In fact, he had been offended when she had offered him a cut.

She stumbled into the kitchen, finding coffee brewed and a bowl of porridge ready and carefully written instructions by the microwave to enable her to heat it up without destroying the kitchen. Miserable, she slid the bowl in, set the timer as instructed, turned down the power and poured herself a coffee that he had clearly brewed. There were two aspirin resting by the mug and she swallowed them as well, cursing her temper and her thoughtlessness. Hiccup had still made her breakfast, no matter that he was deeply hurt by her words and her actions. For her to bring Thuggory back was to completely disregard everything she had said to him. And worse...he was right. She had abandoned him...again. Without a backwards glance or thought about how he would get home or what he would think, she had gone off with the other winners and enjoyed herself. And sure, she was totally drunk from the copious number of shots the winners had polished off over on Thuggory's table-almost certainly as the man had planned-but that was no excuse.

Someone decent would have fetched her boyfriend and brought him with her. Or she would have stayed with her real friends and not a bunch of smug egomaniacs. Though most of the Valkyries had been there...except Rika and Mala, because they were always sidelined. And she hadn't insisted they were included either.

What was wrong with her?

But she knew. She was used to getting her own way, used to being the centre of attention. She had used Hiccup and it had brought him heartache and pain. He had been forced to reveal his deepest, darkest secret in public and be humiliated on live TV. And she had come out of it like a hero, standing forward and socking Bella, saving her poor fiancé and generally being the perfect girlfriend. Gods, she was starting to believe it herself.

But she was nowhere near perfect. She was obsessive, driven and had a temper that could be incredibly destructive. And she was prone to jealousy.

Was that it? Was she...jealous of Hiccup?

She shook her head in shock and tried to convince herself of the ridiculousness of it all...but a small voice kept reminding her that since the Ron the Viking Show, he had garnered a lot of attention on his own behalf and had stepped up-albeit reluctantly-to speak for abused men. And his honesty in the face of such a personal issue had won him a lot of plaudits. And secretly, she had felt a tiny twinge of envy. She was a role model for young girls-but he was able to help people in the most desperate of situations, to give them hope that there was a way out. People were talking about him for his own merits, not just as her fiancé...and she hadn't liked it.

It made her sound as bad as Bella, if not worse. At least Bella had been honest about what she was doing, had a plan and was deliberate. But Astrid had used Hiccup and then cast him aside because he was threatening her status as the centre of attention. She secretly hadn't wanted him at the after party because she had wanted to flirt and be the focus of all those people and she had been….from what she could remember amid the alcoholic haze. And she had also believed the passing comment that he hadn't wanted to come…been told he didn't want to come. But in fact…faithful Hiccup had been waiting and hurt by her abandonment again

She sat down at the table and stared through the windows across the bay. It was a lovely day and she should be enjoying her triumph but now she just felt small and mean. She was a fraud, not a role model but a stupid, selfish, jealous girl who had to be the centre of attention and didn't care what she did to get it. And who she hurt.

She rested her head in her hands and felt her throat thicken with misery.

And the worst of it was...she missed Hiccup. She didn't want her day to be without him. She was ashamed and hurt and devastated that she had wounded him so thoughtlessly.

Because, despite everything that she had just realised, all her flaws and stupidities...she loved him.

oOo

Hiccup was sitting aimlessly in the park, feeding one very fat duck as the familiar shape swaggered up. Dagur was whistling happily until he glimpsed Hiccup when he stared in shock-and then hastened to the auburn-haired man's side.

"Gods, you look rough," he commented as Hiccup sighed and threw a large chunk of bread at the duck. Gamely, the bird tried to eat it and managed to swallow it on the third attempt. Dagur watched with mild consternation.

"You realise that if you feed them too much bread, they explode?" he asked Hiccup and the man shrugged.

"Duck murderer as well as gullible fool," he said despondently. "Story of my life..."

"Okay-what's up?" Dagur demanded.

"I think it's over," he said. Dagur stared.

"What?"

"Astrid went off clubbing with the other winners, I didn't know where she was and when she returned at four in the morning with Thuggory all over her, I interrupted them and after she and I swapped words, she reminded me we're not actually engaged."

"Whoa, whoa...say what?" Dagur's face was shocked and in that moment, Hiccup realised that Heather hadn't shared that small detail with her brother. "Not engaged?" Face-palming, Hiccup nodded.

"It was a misunderstanding," he revealed. "She dropped her ring in my dessert and I retrieved it, cleaned it and put it back on. Someone thought they had the scoop of the century and sold the pictures and suddenly, we're engaged. Astrid didn't want to ruin her Mom's birthday so we said nothing and then, when she got back from International Duty, Heather was so amazed by the way everything was selling because of her engagement that she asked us to keep it up. And like an idiot, I said yes."

"And had to live with the consequences with Bella and all of that," Dagur realised. "Thor almighty, that's one monster secret."

"But the problem is...I've got used to being engaged to Astrid Hofferson," Hiccup said. "I always loved her anyway and close up...she's amazing. Not perfect but close to it. And honestly, I don't want to be without her. But she threw the whole thing back in my face. I mean...I moved island, got harassed by my psychopathic girlfriend, had to work remotely, moved away from my friends and family and the least I should expect is not to be treated like rubbish."

"I think she may have been drunk," Dagur said carefully, hearing the pent up hurt and resentment in Hiccup's voice. Moving from one disastrous, controlling relationship to his managed pretence with Astrid was seeming more and more to Dagur like swapping one cage for another, the second only acceptable because it was owned by the woman he loved and who he believed was starting to love him back. What Astrid had said had been devastating and had completely knocked away every foundation Hiccup had in his renewed friendship.

"People don't say things like that unless they mean it," Hiccup reminded him stubbornly. It had been that stubbornness that had sustained him while with Bella, that had preserved as much of the boy he had been as was left...but Astrid had already hurt him once catastrophically by leaving. The buff ex-soldier wasn't sure Hiccup would be able to cope with this hurt.

"I think...she maybe didn't mean that," he tried, seeing Hiccup shake his head.

"I know it's your job to protect her," he said reasonably, "but she has to own up to her own faults. And this one was hers. She's made it clear it isn't real. And I don't know if I can cope with more pretence and being manipulated any more."

"Just talk to her, okay?" Dagur asked and Hiccup gave a sad, lopsided smile.

"I don't know if it will make any difference," he said. "Some things just can't be unsaid."