.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

Huge hugs to Snarkymuch and Gredelina1 for sharing their awesome beta skills and to Arrr, Augustmoon99 and Mary-Alice-Brandon-Cullen for pre-reading.

This chapter is dedicated to bluefire-33 vampireanimegurl Rachaelc1994. The song for the last chapter was Breathe Slow by Alesha Dixon.


Chapter Twenty Seven — Do You Want to Know a Secret

Bella POV

"Bella, you have to stop fighting to die and start fighting to live instead."

Her words broke through the haze, startling me as if I had been doused in cold water.

How could she know?

"I won't pretend to understand how it feels to be you at the moment, but I do know something about suffering and how it feels to be powerless," she said.

"The story of how I came to be changed is not a happy one and I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say it was similar to what happened to you. I too was hurt by someone I trusted, and the things he did left me with a passion to never feel powerless again. I think that is what you are doing now, you have lost so much and you have barely any control over your own life, but trying to kill yourself is not the right thing to do."

So you say, but what do you know of it.

"I considered it too you know. After I awoke as a vampire and Carlisle explained what I had become, I was filled with a desire for revenge on those that had hurt me, so intense it blocked out everything else. Once I had taken my revenge on them I had time to consider my new life. I didn't want it," she said it openly, no hint of shame.

"I knew from Carlisle's story that it would not be easy, but I was determined. I thought if I could get away from the family I would be able to find another vampire, and I could either persuade them to help, or attack them and force them to destroy me."

Then you should understand how I feel. I thought. If only Rosalie was the empath, I could communicate my need with her and she could help me.

"My plans were made and I was merely looking for an opportunity to make my move," she continued. "What I didn't take into account was Edward. He heard my thoughts and knew what I was planning, he waited, hoping I would change my mind, but when it became clear that I was becoming more determined, not less, he approached me."

I imagined his strained expression, his voice as he pleaded with her to change her mind. It was so easy to see, I'd had seen it the day he left me. He had lost the indifferent mask only once during that soul crushing conversation as he implored me to stay safe, for Charlie. I had screwed that up, another broken promise, another failure to lay at my feet.

"At first I was angry, furious in fact. You never had to deal with the difficulties of living with a mind reader, but it takes some getting used to. He did his best to give us privacy, but it wasn't always possible."

Poor Edward, never having peace in his own mind. I was the only person who had ever been able to give him that. It wasn't enough though.

"So he heard my thoughts and knew my plans." Her tone was a little resentful now. I knew the feeling, she knew what I was doing and I felt the same resentfulness towards her.

"He invited me to hunt with him, and when we were alone he told me what he knew, and then he begged. It was the a last thing I was expecting, he made no secret of his distaste for me, but when he spoke he was so impassioned. He asked me to consider what it would to Esme and Carlisle if I was successful, how the guilt would destroy Carlisle, how Esme would grieve the loss of another child. How he would face them, knowing he could have stopped me."

She paused for a long moment and I wondered if she was finished.

"So you see, I understand your desire, but I also understand how Edward felt that day, because now I am in his position and I am going to beg you to wait too."

Wait? What was the point? Things weren't going to get any better for me.

"I am going to offer you the same deal Edward offered me. He asked me to wait just two years, if I still felt the same he would destroy me himself and face the consequences. I agreed and I bided my time. The two years were almost up when I was hunting alone one day and found a man being attacked by a bear. As you know I saved him, brought him home, and Carlisle changed him. He changed my Emmett."

Her voice was now blissful, and I could imagine the expression of happiness on her perfect face.

"If I had not waited I would never have found him, and would never have known the happiness I now have with him as my mate."

That was fine for her, but I'd had my happiness, I found my soul mate, but he didn't feel the same.

"Now I am going to tell you the same thing Edward told me. Imagine how Carlisle and Esme would feel if you died, how the guilt would eat at Carlisle for abiding by Edward's wishes and leaving you, how Esme would lose a daughter. Alice would be lost without you, you're her best friend, Emmett's little sister, my sister and Jasper… think what it would do to him. He is already frantic with worry, if you died it would change him forever."

There was one name she didn't mention and I knew why. If I died Edward would feel guilty, he was the eternal martyr after all, but outside of that there would be no consequence for him. I would be gone and he would be free.

"If you won't do it for us, do it for your parents. Imagine how Charlie would feel if he knew you had given up, when his life was stolen from him so cruelly. There has been so much loss already, Bella, would you really add to it?" her voice broke.

I had no words even if I was able to speak. She really did care, this was not just concern for the family, this was concern for me. I felt a tear trickle into my hair, and her cool finger tracing it's path.

"I will make you a deal," she said, now knowing I was here and listening. "I don't know exactly how you are doing it, but I am sure these rounds of tachycardia are your attempts to destroy yourself. The family is planning to change you, you know this. If you stop whatever it is you are doing, I will stop them changing you, if after another six months you still want to go, I will help you. I will either persuade them to let you go or I will do it myself. Do we have a deal?"

I couldn't speak and Jasper wasn't here to tell her, how was I supposed to agree?

"If you are controlling the tachycardia, I need you to use that to show me, only for a moment and as gently as you can, your poor heart is under enough strain already," she instructed. "But if you agree please show me."

I focused on the weight on my mind, I had discovered if I pushed against it hard enough it affected my heart. As Rosalie suspected, I had been trying to use this for my own benefit. I thought if I could do it enough, eventually my heart would fail and I would be freed. Now I used it to communicate my agreement.

Pushing against it, I gradually increased the force until I felt the familiar feeling of detachment that always came as my heart raced.

I heard Rosalie sigh with relief as she squeezed my hand. "Thank you, Bella, thank you so much. I swear you won't regret it."

I didn't have the same certainty.

xXx

Alice POV

I sat at Bella's side, surveying the broken girl that was once my best friend. She was still my best friend, I loved her the same way I had then, but she was not the same person. The Bella I had known was full of life and vitality, this was just a shell.

I wished I had Jasper's conviction that she was still there, that she could still hear us, but I knew better. Our Bella was gone for now, but we would get her back.

Our hunting trip had been cut short yesterday when I had a vision of Rosalie with Bella when she had another episode of tachycardia. It was a brief one this time and had resolved itself before we got back, but Jasper had refused to leave her again, so this morning Carlisle and Esme had press-ganged him into going again. Emmett and I were fairly sated so we offered to stay home while the others went. I checked Jasper's future and saw him taking down a bear as Carlisle stood back watching approvingly. Satisfied he was going to hunt enough I returned my attention to Bella and the book I was supposed to be reading to her.

Emmett slipped into the room, his usually cheerful face, solemn and concerned.

"She okay?" he asked.

"Same as usual, no change."

"No more of those tacky things?"

"Tachycardia," I said smiling slightly. "And no, she has been slow and steady all day."

"That's good, right?" he asked, confused by my sad tone.

"It is," I sighed. "I just wish there was more. I feel like we're just kicking our heels, waiting for someone to make the decision. Her heart doesn't seem to be getting any stronger, and I worry that it is only going to get worse. None us are ready to do it though, and I don't think we will be until he is here."

"Well what can we do about that?" he asked, his frustration clear. "It's not like we haven't tried. For crap's sake, Alice, you've been searching his future so much you're starting to look odd with an actual expression."

I laughed mirthlessly. "It's not only me though, Em, it's Jasper I'm worried about. He is pushing himself all night training the wolves, and spending all day with her, when you and I both know she's not there anymore. Something has to give eventually."

"Until we have an idea of where to look we can't go get him can we? And you haven't seen anything... have you?" He appraised me with a suspicious look. "Do you know something, Alice?"

I hadn't shared this with any of the family before, as it had been so brief and I wasn't sure of what had seen, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"I may have seen something..." I said cautiously.

"Dammit, Alice! Why didn't you say something?"

"Because I wasn't sure," I said defensively. "I didn't want to send someone off on a wild goose chase, especially when we need every available fighter here."

"Well come on then, what did you see?" he asked, fixing me with an uncharacteristically stern look.

"A few days ago I had a brief vision of Edward. He looked awful, like he hadn't hunted in months. He was in a dank room, just sitting on the floor."

"Never mind that," Emmett said impatiently. "Where was he?"

"Brazil, I think. I saw a shape outside the window that I think was the Cristo Redentor statue."

"Brazil," he said, "that makes sense. We were there a few years ago, remember? And he said it was the perfect place to get lost, all those people."

"I know, that's what I thought."

"So, if we can just get there, we might have a chance of finding him. How are we going to sneak up him though? He's a mind reader after all, he hears one of us coming and he'll high tail it out of there."

"I don't think he would, not if we were clever with our thoughts."

He looked at me blankly. I had been working on a plan since I had the vision, and this was the best I could come up with.

"If we made sure to think about Bella when we were close, think of all that we have seen, all that has happened to her. I think that would be enough to freeze him long enough for us to catch up."

"That's..." he trailed off, unable to find the right word.

"Cruel?" I suggested, and he nodded.

"It is, but if it means we can get him back, surely it's worth it?"

"No arguments from me, in truth I am aiming to lay a bit of hurt on him for what he has done. How do we work this though? The others aren't going to be pleased about one of us popping off for a quick vacation with the threat of Victoria to deal with."

"We don't tell them," I said. "It will have to be you that goes, as I need to be here to keep an eye on Victoria's decisions, you tell them you're going for a hunt and instead you hop a flight to Rio."

"Simple as that?" he laughed. "You may have forgotten, but my wife is a walking lie detector; Emmett McCarty edition, and your husband is an empath. We will never get this past them."

"We have to! If you concentrate on whatever foul deeds you and Rose get up to when we're not around, Jasper will be so annoyed by the lust he'll avoid you like the plague. As for Rosalie..." I considered for a moment, then inspiration stuck. "I'll tell her you are planning something for one of your wedding anniversaries."

"You are an evil mastermind, you know that right?" he said with a grin.

"Yep, I'm all kinds of special. I just hope it works."

"Me too," he said seriously. "We are running out of time."

xXx

Bella POV

I came out of the darkness with a jolt. I had developed enough control to keep it at bay when I wanted, and to be able to sink into it when I needed a break, but I couldn't hold myself in it. I was often dragged into awareness whether I wanted it or not.

When I made my deal with Rosalie I was banking on the darkness to make the time pass faster, but that was before I realized I had no concept of time anymore. I could be stuck here for years and she could swear blind it had only been weeks, and I wouldn't know any different.

I began to slip back into the darkness when I heard Emmett and Alice's voices. I stopped and listened, horror descending on me. I knew who they meant by 'he', and as I listened to their plans I realized if there was ever a time to break my silence it was now.

I would not allow them to drag him home out of a sense of misplaced responsibility or guilt.

Forcing the darkness away I concentrated on my anger and pain, and began to send it out in short bursts.

Jasper, I need you.


Thank you to everyone that read the last chapter, especially those of you that reviewed, I appreciated every one. I have a new selection of lyrics for you to take a look at. Same rules apply; whoever guesses the song will get the next chapter dedicated to them. Good luck.

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had