Anyone who didn't know Sirius the way James did would be astounded by the way he could keep his composure after learning that he had lost yet another couple of relatives. He ignored people's condolences, looks of pity and even the Slytherins' jeers and veiled threats. He would always respond with a demure, what-can-you-do? smile when a girl said how very sorry she was that he had lost his grandparents. And when Snape mimed being hung by his tie, he just rolled his eyes and looked away. Now and again, he shot a hex at Snape, but nobody's perfect. James knew that Sirius was well versed in hiding his emotions, and he was almost always moody, but lately Sirius had reached near Jekyll-and-Hyde proportions with his mood swings. He would act wild and crazy and normal during the day surrounded by his classmates, but once he was on his own, or just around the Marauders, he would grow sullen and angry or sad and despondent. He would snap at them for the smallest things and storm off on his own.
And he was as elusive as ever. If James even began to mention that Sirius was acting oddly to his friend, Sirius would jump on the defensive and accuse James of being the one acting crazy.
"I never said you were crazy," James would respond calmly, "I was just wondering if there was anything bothering you."
"Obviously you think I'm crazy," Sirius snapped, "Otherwise you wouldn't keep asking me that. What do you want me to do? My grandparents are dead. They were cruel. I'm not going to cry, or scream, or freak out or even pretend like I knew them at all. Leave it alone."
James threw up his arms in defeat and walked away, not because he was angry, but because Sirius was clearly gearing up for a fight and he just didn't want to deal with it. Truth be told, things had never been worse between himself and Sirius. Not even after "the incident." Sure, things had been bad then but they had gotten over it rather quickly, and even in those days James had been able to understand what his friend was feeling. Lately, Sirius was much more enigmatic than usual and it was almost impossible to tell what he was thinking and what would get under his skin. This was understandably frustrating for James who was used to always being on the same page with his best friend.
Caught up in his thought, James turned a corner sharply and ran into Lily Evans.
"Oh…sorry Evans," James said distractedly, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Good." James walked past her.
"Potter!" She called him back.
"What?"
"Are you alright?"
"What do you mean?"
"You look…off. And you barely said five words to me."
"Oh…well, it's Sirius," James had the distinct impression that telling her any more than this would be a serious mistake, but he needed to talk to someone and he knew he could trust Lily, "He's been so unpredictable lately. More so than usual, I mean. I think something's bothering him and he won't tell me what."
"Is it…I mean, about his grandparents dying? Maybe he should go home and visit his family…"
"No, he would never do that. He's too afraid of—" James clamped his mouth shut, knowing instantly that he had said too much. He swallowed and was overcome with guilt. Why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut?
"Afraid of what?" Lily asked, her eyes narrowing, "Or…afraid of who?"
"I have to go." James practically ran from her and didn't stop when he heard her call his name. She was dangerously close to the truth and James knew that if he had stayed, his face would have given it all away. He wanted to scream in frustration. Why was this happening? What was wrong with him? He could only hope she would let it drop…
It was that very evening that James got annoyed enough with Sirius to corner him. Schoolwork. Sirius had never cared about schoolwork. Well, that wasn't exactly true. He had always been at the top of their class, seemingly without effort. He worked hard, but he was relaxed about it. He had never really cared that he was at the top; he did it because he could, and of course, so he could rub it in the faces of all his Slytherin cousins. This year was different. He was taking numerous difficult classes and took his school work very seriously. Lately, whenever he was working on homework, he would be short and irritable with anyone who tried to interrupt him. Once James had had the gall to suggest he took a break and had nearly gotten his head bitten off.
"Can any of you remember the name of the wizard who invented the Imperius curse?" He had demanded of the Marauders one night in the common room.
"No idea," James had responded, "What are you doing, talking about him in that essay? What's he have to do with the history of Azkaban?"
"The Imperius curse was the first spell that could land a witch or wizard a life sentence in Azkaban," Sirius had responded swiftly, sounding like a textbook, "obviously." He added under his breath.
"I still don't really see how that's relevant," James said casually, ignoring his friend's tone, "the essay is about the history of the prison, not about prison sentences. And even if you talk about sentences, why would you need the name of the creator of the Imperius curse? I think you're including more than you have to, Padfoot."
"Alright then, I guess I'll just do the minimum and hope for the best," Sirius replied sarcastically, "how am I supposed to stay on top if I forget crucial details like this?" he mumbled, more to himself than to the others.
"It wouldn't kill you to take a break, you know," James suggested, "the world might just keep on spinning, even if Sirius Black wasn't the very best at every little thing."
"Now more than ever, I have to be the best," Sirius muttered, not hearing James, "I must not stop, not even for a moment."
"Why?"
Sirius leapt to his feet and slammed his book down on the table, "Because, if I falter now everyone will think that I was only the best because of my family! They'll think I need my family to succeed. I have to prove to everyone, especially my family, that I don't need them to be the best. I'm the best on my own. Everyone needs to see it."
"Would you relax?" James snapped at him, losing patience, "No one thinks like that."
"Everyone thinks like that!"
"Even if they did, why should you care? For Merlin's sake, the Sirius I know wouldn't give two fucks what everyone thought of him. Especially his family."
"This isn't the same thing," Sirius said through gritted teeth, "I don't want their approval. I want them to see that I don't need them to be the best. That I can do it on my own."
"If you want to prove that you don't need them: don't go home for Christmas, and stop obsessing about the things they trained you to obsess about."
Sirius threw James a filthy look but didn't respond until he burst out, "Phillips! That was his name! Stupid!"
Even though the Marauders were more than familiar with Sirius' tendency to call himself names when he made a mistake, it still irritated James immensely.
"Forgetting one thing for two minutes doesn't make you stupid," James mumbled before he could stop himself, "they sure did a number on you."
Sirius walked away and didn't look back.
James chased him outside in the hallway, more out of habit than anything else.
"Sirius, what is going on with you?!"
Sirius turned to look at him and James was shocked that his best friend's eyes were wide with fear.
"What if Regulus is right? What if someone's after us? After me?"
"Nobody is after you," James replied, hardly believing the words himself. He didn't exactly think it was a coincidence, the proximity of the all the Blacks' deaths, "I don't know what Regulus planted in your mind, but, honestly, who would come after you? You're sixteen, and you don't even get on with the Blacks. If someone's after your family, I think you'd be the least likely person they would attack. You're nothing like them."
Sirius nodded slowly, looking unconvinced, "Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. I'm nothing like them. It's nothing to worry about. I shouldn't have bothered you."
James refrained from rolling his eyes, "It's okay to be afraid—"
"I'm not afraid." Sirius cut across him, angrily, "I'm not afraid of anything."
"—and I'm never bothered by you talking to me about stuff like this," James continued as though he hadn't been interrupted, "you don't have to pretend with me, you know."
Sirius sighed, and it appeared as though all of his energy had left him, "I know. I'm sorry. I am afraid. And I feel like I'm always putting on an act for everyone. Sometimes it can be tiring, you know…"
"You never have to put on an act with the Marauders. We're your friends."
A strange, closed look crossed Sirius' face. It passed so quickly, but James was sure he'd seen it, though he had no idea what it meant, "You do trust us, don't you?"
"I trust you." Sirius responded slowly.
"All of us?"
Sirius blinked and put on a smile so fake James was sure anyone could see through it, "Of course."
"Sirius, what is going on?" James asked, frustrated.
"You tell me." He responded so coolly, James felt with a thrill of terror that he knew James had betrayed his secret. But he changed the subject immediately, and James knew there was nothing behind his comment.
"As much as I hate to admit it, I want to write my father. He must know what is happening here."
"I'm not sure that's a great idea, Padfoot. How do you know he can be trusted?"
"He can't, but he's the best I've got if I want even a hint as to what's happened to the Blacks. At the very least, I'll know if anyone's taken a shot at him yet."
"Wouldn't that be in the paper?"
"Yes, but Regulus told me he was getting cursed owls. I'm hoping they aren't from the same person who killed my relatives." Sirius halted and shook his head vigoursly, as if he was trying to shake a thought away from his mind, "Listen to me! There's no proof that Alphard and my grandparents were even killed by the same person! I sound like Regulus."
"Maybe you just shouldn't think about it."
"I can't not think about it," Sirius rubbed his neck, "It's all I've been thinking about. I even dream about it."
"Dream about it?"
"I had a dream that I was locked in my house, and it was burning to the ground," Sirius said, swallowing, "Something is going to happen, isn't it?"
"Hogwarts is safe." James said authoritatively.
Sirius nodded, looking unconvinced, "I think I might go up to bed now. My head is starting to hurt."
"Okay." James watched Sirius walk away and sat down on the ground, lost in his thoughts.
It was late. Remus, Peter and Lily were talking in hushed voices in the common room which had emptied out hours ago. Sirius was the topic of conversation, as he often was nowadays.
"I think James is really worried about him," Lily said, "do you two know what's going on with him? James won't tell me."
"He's worried about going home." Peter said without thinking. "He…er…doesn't want to see his cousins." It was a good save.
Lily didn't seem to buy it, "I don't think it's just that…"
"Sirius doesn't get on with his family. Let's just leave it at that."
"James said it was much more than that…something about his parents…" Lily pressed and Remus fell right in the trap.
"What? James told you what Sirius' parents do—" he snapped his mouth shut.
"I knew it," Lily breathed, "What do they do? Are they violent?"
Peter let out a gasp, and Remus knew it was lost. She had tricked them into telling.
"We are not talking about this, and we never are again. Sirius would be livid if he knew. He doesn't even know we know!"
"If he's being hurt, we have to help him!" Lily exclaimed.
"NO." Remus said.
"He's your friend!" Lily said angrily.
"You don't know anything about it, Lily." Remus echoed James' own words to him, now fully understanding them.
"James is worried! James thinks Sirius is in danger!"
"Stop!" Remus cried.
"I'm going to go talk to James."
"Don't you dare!" Remus snapped, "Sirius doesn't want anyone to know! James should never have told…" Remus trailed off. Someone was standing in the hallway toward the bathroom. Someone who looked all too familiar.
It was Sirius.
