Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all." ― Emily Dickinson
Legolas awoke to what seemed to be several hours later as no light came in through the crack. Luminar's face was near inscrutable to his eyes in the near darkness. "Luminar?" No response, his eyes shifted to the elf crumpled by the wall. "O…Orestor?" His breath hitched in his throat as he looked at the prone form of the dark haired elf. There was no movement, nothing. He swallowed a lump in his throat trying to force his tears back. They were alive! They had to be! "Saes…" but there was no response only some scurrying here and there on the walls and floor of what were probably spiders.
He shifted in his chains, his body was light again. He gasped and nearly blacked out in pain as his right arm flared in agony. It was covered in something warm, his blood from the smell of it here and there his body throbbed. He groaned involuntarily, how much blood had he lost? His vision swam. Biting his lower lip he braced himself against the wave of nausea but there was practically nothing in his stomach so there was nothing to retch. He shuddered, cold sweat beating down his brow. In the corner Luminar moaned his eyes widened. "Luminar!" But there was no response. He would have struggled against the chains for good measure except that would only to cause the cuffs to dig deeper into his wrists and loosing anymore blood would not be preferable.
"Leg…golas?" His eyes widened as the shape of Luminar twitched. "I'm here…I…is anything broken?"
"Darkness, there is so much darkness, can you not sense it?" He could hear gagging sounds as Luminar retched onto the cold stone floor. Blood? There must have been a lot as he could smell it clearly in the dankness of the cell; its sharp cold metallic smell filling the air.
"I…the darkness is not here now."
"It's here…my prince, it's here I can I can!" He could hear movement and more retching.
Legolas frowned he was sensing nothing. Was Luminar in his right mind? "Luminar saes, you need rest, close your eyes."
"No it's here! It's here!" Luminar's voice was aghast as he struggled against the bonds as if something was physically choking out his light.
"LUMINAR!" He could hear the choking the gurgling of blood in the throat. His eyes widened in horror as the sound ceased. He shuddered, sweet Eru he was choking on his own blood! Legolas shuddered in horror the cold sweat only making him shake worse. Luminar his friend his comrade his brother in arms was dead. He knew the symptoms when he heard them. Something cold and wet made it down his cheeks. No he, he couldn't cry now. He wiped his cheek against his shoulder but the tears wouldn't, couldn't stop. And suddenly it wasn't Luminar's dead body by the wall but Kaural and Listor and Lihinnor and Lindon and Felen and other faces, so many faces, faces of elves those he held as they died those he dragged back to Mirkwood who never made it, those he never knew but helped bury. Those he just met who never made it past their first orc hunt. It was his Lieutenant his scout his bowman his swordsman, all elves under his command all dead. It was Felan and Kurt and Hainar and so so many others. So many souls so many bright lights that slipped away leaving Mirkwood dimmer and dimmer, so many had died how was their so many still left? He cried, cried because he couldn't take it anymore, because he couldn't cry in front of the men, couldn't be weak in front of his Adar not when his Naneth was dead and his Adar's Adar was dead. His Ada had no one but him so he had to be strong because he knew that if he fell his Ada might fall, because he saw through his Ada's cracks as no one else did so he had to live and made it look like it was okay, like he was okay. And so he convinced everyone he was okay, the guards his friends his Adar even himself. He sobbed he had even convinced himself he was okay but he wasn't, he wasn't a light they wanted, he wasn't! He couldn't be what they wanted him to be, there were to many deaths too much horror that he buried so that only his patrol could see, because if the elves only saw what the orcs on occasion did to those they slew and how they feasted on their flesh…He swallowed painfully tears streaming down his cheeks his body shuddering at the cold of the cell and the chill of his soul.
He had been so helpless he had felt so weak. "Weak." Something whispered. He shook his head, yes, yes he was weak…weak because he tried but it was never enough, because he was expected to be perfect but he couldn't be, so he trained and trained, trained so that even when he made kills his tunics were splatter free. Trained so that when he felt the orcish stench he would barely flinch and when he saw the elven corpses he wouldn't weep. And he was good at it too…lying pretending to be what the men wanted, needed him to be… he saw the way they looked at him…only Tauriel didn't look at him like that…he swallowed.
Pain…there was so much pain…and it was cold so cold. The question of the dark one rang in his mind. What did he need to defeat it? What was the dark one? If only he knew what manner of beast it was then he would know how to deal with it. Weak… he needed strength…strength of limbs and of heart, but he was no Elder elf, neither did he wish to be one…what he needed was power, no he shook his head, he wanted needed peace. But to achieve that peace he needed strength. He shuddered. The room didn't look right. He shook his head, strange he could see better in the dark now the barely visibly rise and fall of Orestor's chest but it was there. His head hurt, he hissed and recoiled as a chill left his mind. Everything suddenly darkened. It was suddenly hard to breath, and hot so hot. He could hear his breath hitch as he attempted to gulp in more air, the rise and fall of his chest trying to keep up with his need for air. It was suddenly very very hot in the room. A dim light flickering where Orestor laid, Ahhhh! His head felt like something was splitting it in two. A blast of cold air hit him he shuddered against the chains falling back too tired to fight. His eyes closed against his will and then there was darkness.
It was dark. Arrai paced the halls outside his Adar's chambers. What was taking Galion so long? It had been several hours now. He sighed shaking his head walking up to an open window eyes fixed on the moon. It was so dark yet small as it may be the moon gave enough light for those riding in the darkness. The cool night air licked his face as he leaned his elbows against the rock. Glorfindel, where was he now? Fighting perhaps? Maybe back at Lothlórien? It didn't matter as long as he was alive, safe. Glorfindel could take care of himself he was thousands of years old for crying out loud. But the shadow… Glorfindel hadn't been able to kill the Witch King of Angmar could he face whatever wraith was out their? The Nazgûl was terrifying, at the time he had been too busy with survival but now as he thought of the encounter each of its screeches was darker in his mind's eye more real. But Glorfindel was an Elder elf the Elder elf…
He flinched badly as something touched his shoulder, it was involuntary. "Sorry to startle you my prince." He gave a curt nod accepting the apology. "Is he?"
Galion's face was grim. "I'm not sure how to explain it, you must see for yourself." The younger elf followed the royal butler to King Thranduil's chambers. The room was for the most part in order; a large bed toward the left couches a fireplace a writing desk opposite the door a closet to the right and a door to what led to the Kings study, save the King who sat on by the window eyes peering out of the window into the distance. "Adar?" There was little to no response.
"He can hear you now." Galion clarified.
Arrai's face blanched. "Is he…is his mind present?" The King turned his head at that eyes narrowing. "I believe I can answer that…" The king's eyes widened as he trailed off. "You!"
Arrai swallowed. "I…yes Adar?"
"You….no it, it can't be…" Thranduil trailed of face blanching as if seeing a ghost.
"He is your son Thranduil." Galion walked up to the King a letter in his hands. "I kept it all these years, though it took me a while to go through all the papers and records and the like."
King Thranduil took the parchment with a shaking hand, eyes never once leaving the younger elf. His eyes quickly skimmed over the brief words, to all others it would have seemed to carry neither importance nor proof, but to one who knew the Lady Galadriel and the ways of the Elder elves this was far more than enough. "You always were meticulous about such things."
Galion made a small bow accepting the praise silently. Thranduil's eyes were back on Arrai a thin frown gracing his lips. "You may be of my blood, but you are no son of mine." Something in his head seemed to drop like lead, Arrai could feel cold sweat forming at his palms, he sighed looking away, well this would be far more difficult than he anticipated. "I…I'm not here for myself Adar, I'm here for Mirkwood. The elves they, they need their King."
"They seem to manage quite fine without one." Thranduil sighed deeply, a sigh full of pain and loss. His head turned eyes on the waning moon. "Go, leave me be."
"But my King!" Galion was silenced with a raised hand as Thranduil rose in a fluid motion not walking but stalking toward the younger elf a cold viselike grip suddenly seized Arrai's jaw forcing his chin up cold blue eyes peering into dark blue ones, eyes full of rage. "You are nothing in my eyes," Thranduil's cold eyes glittered. "This world is nothing, there is nothing, no one no thing! I gave my life for Mirkwood I gave my father my people my wife! My…my son!" His voice choked at last few words. Cold eyes full of unshed tears and agony. "What more can be demanded of me? What more!"
"Adar…" Thranduils's grip tightened his face turning into a snarl as he shook the younger elf face inching to close for comfort. "Listen to me, for I will only say this once. You have no idea of the horrors I have lived through the pain I have suffered, you know nothing of the sacrifices I made for my people! No more. No more do you hear me. You are nothing…you are not my son, and you will never be." The younger elf's face paled as the King's alien eyes bore into his own breath nearly by his ear. But whatever effect Thranduil wanted to create fell short Arrai's hands gripped the King's wrist eyes full of raw animalistic fear as he struggled against the hold body shaking like a leaf.
"Thranduil! You're hurting him!" Thranduil's eyes widened then narrowed as he slowly released the shaking elf who fell to the ground gasping as if someone had been trying to choke his light out of him.
Galion kneeled by the younger elf accusing eyes at Thranduil. "Go…" Shakily Arai rose Galion's own eyes softened as the younger elf all but crashed out of the room. The moment the door slammed closed Galion's eyes were upon the King once more. "That was unnecessary!"
"I didn't know!" Thranduil looked down inscrutable eyes glittering as they looked down upon his still kneeling butler face the picture of serenity a stark contrast to Galion whose face was twisted in anger and rage.
"Know what that he is your son? That he is your flesh and blood? Or that you could hurt someone with so little effort and with so little words?"
"Galion enough!" Cold eyes flashed commandingly.
"No! I am not done yet Thranduil. He is your son! Valar gave you another son Eru replaced your son! And you throw him away? Chase him off like one would a rabid orc?"
"He is no son of mine! I lost my son, my flesh and blood Legolas, your prince! I lost my whole life with him and you dare speak to me of blessings?" Thranduil's face was livid a hand pressed to his chest eyes flashing in cold fury but it was matched by Galion's own.
"Yes I do speak of blessings!"
"Enough!" Thranduil yelled cutting Galion off and sharply turning on his heel. "He is no son of mine and I am your King! Know your place!"
"I know my place my King." Galion whispered voice laced with sadness as he rose eyes still on the King. "My place is by the side of my King, my mellon nin, Thranduil, I do not see him in you, so it must be that you are no King of mine." Thranduil's eyes widened in shock and though his face was turned away from Galion the stiffening of the shoulders was enough to tell Galion that he had hit home. Never in the centuries that had passed had Galion turned on him, never had he spoken so sharply, Thranduil stood the way he did for several minutes at most, eyes on the window, and when he turned to give his response Galion was no longer there.
Galion left the room face ashen. King Thranduil was fading yet again. His eyes found the younger elf who was rubbing his jaw absentmindedly eyes narrowed as he leaned against the wall, waiting for the butler to finish his conversation with Thranduil no doubt.
Galion sighed, his eyes resting briefly on the moon beams coming in through the aperture that was the window. "He didn't mean half of what he said nor did."
His own sigh was met with an even deeper one as the younger elf pushed off the rock matching his stride as they made their way down the hall. "I know Captain, I know."
"You tried. But had you hope?"
"If you would ask me now to replace Glorfindel with King Thranduil in my heart, what would you deem I would say?"
"I do not know what you would say my prince but had I to answer I would say each is different, one who birthed one who raised, they are not the same in the heart and in the mind."
Arrai ran a hand through his hair eyes on Galion as he paused by the staircase. "He is my Adar but, I am not my brother, I can never be him, you and I both know of this. I had thought I could be enough…but…I think I always knew I would not be…"
"You are saying that he is lost then…" Galion swallowed a bit too nervously for his liking, in truth he wanted an answer from the younger elf if only to assail his own worries perhaps, as the younger elf had tried his utmost to at least try to bring the King back. But now he feared the answer.
"I did all I knew, some wounds run too deep. But there is always hope Captain." The younger elf chuckled weakly the quote was quite familiar to Captain Galion as it was one of Lord Glorfindel's. And small as it was in his heart, it was still there, hope, because in the end, what else was there?
Arrai closed the door to his chamber as gently as he could surprise at the steadiness of his own hand,then he sank to his knees and tried very hard not to retch, hand rubbing his neck as if someone had grabbed him with an armored hand. Why it had happened he couldn't tell but the sudden feeling of helplessness when his Adar no the King gripped his neck had brought forth sharp memories of a similar experience, the orcs gripping his jaw and forcing down their accursed blood. No, not now, he closed his eyes, breathe he needed to breathe. He could scarcely believe he had kept it together this long, forcing the shaking to stop when Captain Galion had made his dramatic entrance out of Thranduil's chambers. He could feel a bead of sweat snake down his back, their accursed breath on his throat as they carved his flesh with their knives. Another memory, no, keep the door closed. But it opened against his will, no matter how hard he tried to push it closed. Yelling, he could hear the yells of an elf from a patrol not his own being gutted and disemboweled still alive, then thrown into the fire the orcs dancing and chanting, another elf thrown alive in bonds, he had been only half lucid when this was occurring but the stench of elven flesh and blood the screaming for mercy and a quick death. He could recall the elves turn to Eru and Ilúvatar but all were silent. Invoking their names for mercy but their had been no response...
He rose slowly, a hand at his neck trying to rub it free of the orcish grip. It has past your safe, safe, safe he whispered, but he wasn't, not really not ever, perhaps not today nor tomorrow but if he ever fell in battle, they could take him, alive…and… no he shook his head hands gripping the writing table as he sat heavily into the chair. No they couldn't turn him…they wouldn't…he shuddered hand pressing over a dagger. He wouldn't let them, he would die if he ever fell, his body shook as he gripped the knife not caring that it was digging into his palm. The memory receded somewhat, and a new pain flared up in his chest the three ribs that were fractured throbbing in unison with his exhausted body. How his elder brother lived like this he didn't know and doubted he could ever begin to understand. Another pain flared up, this one deeper a pain no healer could heal for it was a pain of the heart. Abandoned, disowned, of all the things that could have been, this had been the least likely. He could stand being waved to the side in a manner of speaking; he had even expected something of the sort from the King regardless as he was no child when he found of his parentage so he was not expecting an unconditional love so to speak, but a grudging acceptance perhaps or a toleration that could perhaps one day turn into something better but this…
There was no love in this place no love in his father, only pain. It didn't matter he supposed as he wistfully observed the knife that now trickled with a thin trace of his blood. He had always had an Adar…and though not by blood Glorfindel would always be his father. He shook his head sighing, who was he to blame King Thranduil? If he had lost Lord Glorfindel would he be able to replace him with a Thranduil? He closed his eyes at the pain of the thought. It was strange but he almost understood King Thranduil in a way, but he was too tired to think, there was just so much pain and so much fear, if only he could just go to sleep and wake up back in Rivendell…back to aggravating Lord Glorfindel back to pranking Lady Arwen and Lord Elrond…his mind wandered and when Galion found him Arrai was sleeping fitfully slumped on the writing desk.
Legolas, what is going on with him? Well he is cracking, this capture is like the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak as in he was trying to keep everything under control but it was just too much too carry inside himself. Obviously Legolas doesn't feel like this all the time he does cry he does confide in his father at times but he's snapping and it feels like everything is caving in also yes the darkness is making every bad thing intensify in his mind bringing it to the forefront in a sense. And I think a lot of people overlook the fact that elves live long lives, and while that's awesome in a way in a way that also can cause wounds that never healed to deepen. And for blessed things like elves to be constantly fighting something dark that's a big thing. And it leaves a lot of scars behind visible and invisible. And yes it's hard to be that pillar of light it's hard to stand up in the face of darkness so yes Legolas in a way is tired of having himself seen as this person that can make it all right because he doesn't feel like he doesn't feel like a hero
Yes people underestimate trauma, in a real case scenario if someone lived through what the elves lived through such as Legolas and Thranduil they would have major PTSD especially someone like Glorfindel. Arrai at that moment was very frightened and felt helpless because he wasn't going to fight against his father, in a way he forced himself to be helpless though his body wanted to respond, this triggered a memory of the time he really was helpless. I don't think people realize how forceful and sharp Thranduil can sometimes be. He's a rather frightening elf in general when he is angry. Now take him off the rocker because of grief and he's one very very scary elf to face especially to someone who has a history of fear and pain. You don't just get over torture or death, it takes a lot of time and a lot of healing and you never forget, heck how many times do you remember an embarrassing moment and still feel embarrassed even though it's been years and no one probably remembers. And LOTR is a book more for children in a sense so they wouldn't go into all the gory glory etc plus the book is already huge without going to deeply into anyone's life.
So… enough with the rant. I just like to explain and discuss why I write certain things you know, to explain why I wrote what I wrote…Anyway…if you liked REVIEW! Ugh I hope I'm not putting in too much angst...Seriously lol, okay so College is back so that means updates will come slower unless I get inspiration and must type, I got the next chapter down mostly it will most likely be another outtake and then back to the main story…Again if I make grammatical errors etc. I will probably go back and fix if I have time etc. also if someone thinks I should maybe put a rating on this story do tell me I will I'm just not sure whether this classifies as K, K+ or T I would appreciate if someone Pm'd me on what it should be.
