A/N: M rated content in this chapter.
My tongue circles around the rim of my beer bottle as I cross my legs up on the coffee table. As I've been doing for the last twenty minutes straight, I stare at the wall in front of me where the TV is mounted onto. The paint is chipped in a circular shape and glass is shattered down around the floor. I turn my bottle up to my lips and take a sip. I'm on my third beer and I'm still not feeling buzzed off it. Or maybe I am, I'm just too numb to notice. I'm comfortably numb right now; I can't feel anything and it's a good thing. I don't want to feel anything. I'd rather feel nothing at all. I tilt my head all the way back and guzzle the last little bit of beer. I toss the glass bottle on the floor knowing that it won't shatter if it hits the carpet but not caring if it does. I rub my eyes hard and just sit in silence, thinking.
Funny how my life just got turned upside down and the people I normally want to talk to when I'm a situation like this one haven't even crossed my mind. I didn't call on Mere, I didn't even bother to call on Cristina either. Jo was the first person I wanted to talk to. It was out of instinct, too. It's not like I thought about calling Mere and Cristina and I decided against it; I just didn't even think to call them until after I thought about calling Jo. I don't know what I'm going to do when she gets over here but I hope that even with these beers in my system, I'll be able to restrain myself. I can't decide if I hate her or if I'm pleasantly content with what just happened. I'm confused because something inside of me is telling me that I should hate Jo because she's the root of everything that just happened, but there's another part of me that's saying that I need her.
I'm not myself right now and I think I might've made a mistake by telling Jo to come over. I feel like I might not be able to control myself when I see her. I'm angry with her, I want to hate her, I want so bad to tell her to get the hell out of my life. She's the reason all of this just happened. She's the reason I'm sitting here opening up my fourth bottle of beer and staring at the wall while replaying every single scene of what just happened over and over again in my head. It happened all because of Jo… all because I got involved with an intern. An intern that I never planned to even like, but she made me fall for her. All because of me not being able to control myself around an intern. I turn my fourth beer up to my lips and take a long sip as I think about the words that came out of her mouth and the words that rolled off my tongue.
"I'm running down to Joe's for a little while." I lean down and brush her hair back, planting a kiss on her forehead just to show her that I love her. "Unless you need me to stay home with you then I will." She looks so much better today than she did a couple days ago. The color in her face was drained, she looked really weak and her eyes had purplish bags underneath of them. Today, she's back to normal color, she looks healthier and she slept for a few hours today so she doesn't look tired. She looks great which in turn, makes me feel great. "You need me to stay home?" She's mouthing something to herself while she's knitting something with fluffy blue yarn. I think she's counting so she knows how many stitches wide to make it. "Iz? You hear me?" She nods, still counting. "Alright…I'm running down to Joe's with Jo for a little while to have a drink…I'll be back in a minute."
"With who?" She finally stops the counting thing, puts her knitting needles down and looks at me. "Are you talking about the little brunette? The intern?"
"Jo? Yeah… we're just grabbing a drink and catching up…" I sit down on the edge of the bed and put my hand on her kneecap. "If you need me to stay home with you, I will. You need me to stay here?" I ask her for the second time. I really don't want to cancel with Jo. I want to see her tonight and I want to hang out with her but if Iz needs me then I have to prioritize and I'll stay home with Izzie. I don't want to…but I will.
"You're always with her…what about Meredith and Cristina? Or what about Jackson? Why are you always with her?"
"She's my friend too and I don't get to hang out with her as much as I get to hang out with everybody else." I run my hands through my hair because I know that this conversation has the potential to escalate and if it does escalate, it'll probably be hard for me as a man to hide the blatant feelings I have for Jo. "I see everybody else at work but she's an intern so I don't see her as much…so we just have to hang out outside of work to remain friends, you know?" She doesn't look like she's gonna take that for an answer. I can tell when Iz is trying to remain calm and she definitely is trying hard this time. "Plus, Jo's going through some shit right now and I wanna be there for her…"
"But why are you ALWAYS with her? You're always with her… and I can't even try to ignore it anymore Alex because it's so blatantly obvious that she's important to you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean she's taking you away from me!"
"No she's not, Iz… Jo's my friend. What are you talking about?"
I unconsciously burp under my breath and shudder as the tears that trickle down my cheeks send chills up my spine. I can't really tell you why I'm crying. I don't know if it's because I'm genuinely upset or if it's because I'm pissed that it happened this way. Either way it goes, I'm crying and I'm not a huge crier. I just don't know if I'm going to be okay with never seeing her again. I feel like I just lost my best friend. And strangely, this somehow makes me feel at ease. I don't understand why I'm crying. I don't understand why I'm so upset. So since I'm unsure of why I'm so messed up, I turn the bottle up to my lips again and take another long sip.
"You love her, Alex… you love her." She's whipping around the room like a hurricane shoving things inside of bags and suitcases. "And don't even be an asshole about it and try to tell me that you don't because you do! I've been with you for four years Alex! FOUR YEARS."
"What are you doing?!" I wrap my hands around her clothes and try to pull them off her to stop her from packing. She's packed many times on me before. Every time we argue and she goes to Chehalis, she packs. I've helped her pack before. But this time is different… This time, she's shoving everything into bags. All of her personals, all of her clothes, every single last drop of her medicines, lotions, deodorants, shower gels, shampoos, conditioners…she's throwing it all into bags. "Iz, chill out. What are you doing?"
"I'm not gonna be the one to hold you back." She doesn't even bother folding her clothes up, she just takes them off the hangers and shoves them into the suitcase. "Why would I stick around to hold you back when you're clearly in love with someone else?"
"But I'm not! Iz, I love YOU. I love you Iz… what are you doing?"
"…Alex, you don't have to act anymore." She stops packing for a second to give her attention to me. "You don't have to pretend, you don't have to try to convince me. You don't have to act like you want me. I'm not gonna hold you back just because you feel like you have some kind of obligation to be with me because I'm sick." She holds her left hand inside her right hand and starts twisting her ring on her ring finger. "You and I both know that this isn't working. And we keep trying to force it and force it and I'm scared. I'm scared that if this cancer doesn't kill me, this relationship is gonna kill me. I don't want to wake up ten years for now realizing that I've made a horrible mistake. And I need you to be happy. I need you to be so happy and I can see that you're not." She walks over to where I'm standing and holds the engagement ring out to me. "But I can see when you are. And you're happy when you talk about her, Alex. You're happy when you talk about her; when you see her, you smile. I've been watching you with her and I can see it. I can see that you love her. I just don't know why you can't see it…"
"Is this because I'm going out with her? Iz… no." I softly shove her hand away from me with the ring still in it. "I'm not throwing this away. I'm not gonna be responsible for breaking you. I'm not gonna be the one that broke off his engagement with his fiancée just because we're going through something right now. No, Iz… I made a promise to you. I'm not gonna be the one that breaks this off…"
"You're right. You're not gonna be the one that breaks this off because I'm the one that's ending this." She tries to hand the ring to me again. "I don't want this anymore Alex. This is a mistake. We're both making a mistake here. I'm making a mistake by…" She closes her eyes. "I'm making a mistake by forcing this on you when I'm not even sure if I really love you." I can't believe she just said that… "I don't know if I love you enough to marry you. I can't tell if I'm in love with you or in love with the idea of getting married…either way it goes, this is a mistake for me. And it's a mistake for you too. You don't want this. I know you and I know you don't want this Alex."
"Iz, you can't leave. You can't leave. I need you to stay with me." I feel like someone shot a cannon clean through the middle of my stomach. I'm so empty. I feel so empty that I have to put my hand underneath my sweatshirt to feel if there's a literal hole in my stomach. There's not, but I feel like there should be. "I'll do better. If you stay, I'll do better."
"I can't stay and continue to make this mistake. And you don't need to keep making this mistake either. You love her Alex…and you need to realize that before you're too late."
The sound of the doorbell makes me jump, pulling me out of my deep and consuming thoughts of everything that just happened to me. Crazy how your life can change in such an instant, isn't it? I peel myself up off the couch after spending an hour drowning myself in booze-soaked sorrows and self-pity. It really is crazy how soon your life can change. Just an hour ago I thought I was gonna go out and have a beer with my friend/lover or whatever Jo is to me. I was gonna go have fun with her for a couple of hours and come home to Iz and go to sleep after the end of a good day. But somewhere along the lines, the one beer I was supposed to have with Jo turned into four by myself and I think I'm single and I'm pretty sure my engagement is over. I brush my fingers through my hair in an attempt to fix myself before I unlatch the lock on my front door and open it up. I hold it open for her and she walks right inside.
"…Are you okay?" She asks me in a voice so faint that it's barely not a whisper. She hangs around the door like she's unsure if she should come all the way inside because she knows that Izzie is supposed to be here. She buries her hands inside of the front pocket of her hoodie and looks at me with concern expressed all over her usually flawless face. She doesn't look like she put much effort into her appearance and I kind of like that. I like how she feels comfortable enough to dress like this around me. She has on a deep crimson red hoodie with HARVARD written across it in white and black lettering and a pair of jeans that are so tight against her skin that I wonder how it's possible for her to even move. I shrug my shoulders and walk back to the living room, collapsing back down into the spot on the couch I've been sitting in for the last hour since Izzie left.
Jo follows me to the living room and looks around before she decides that it's safe to come all the way inside. She catches the drift that I don't want to talk and tiptoes around the empty beer bottles to sit down on the couch at the opposite end from me. "Alex?" She whispers my name. "How many beers did you have?" She's eyeballing all the empty bottles on the floor. "Are you gonna talk to me?" It's like she's afraid to talk to me in anything above a slighted whisper. She won't raise her voice. Is she scared because I've been drinking? She's scared or unsure about something, that's for sure. "…Alex?" She's looking at me but I can't find it within myself to look at her. Her tiny little clammy hand rests on my arm. "Are you okay?"
I don't know why but as soon as she asks me that, everything I've been holding back inside my head just overwhelms me. It's like the floodgates open and more tears just come out of my eyes. I really hope she doesn't tell anyone about this. I didn't even mean to break down like this in front of her but I do and I guess I couldn't think of a better person to cry in front of…except maybe Mere but Jo's good too. "Wait… wait, what happened?" When she sees me crying is when her voice finally rises above a whisper. She sounds like she's panicking. "Alex, what's the matter?" She scoots over so that she's sitting next to me. I sniff and wipe my eyes and shake my head. I thought I wanted to talk to her about it but I really don't want to. On the plus side, I'm not mad at her like I thought I might've been. I'm really glad she's here. I just don't want to talk to her. But she's forceful and she puts her little arms around my shoulders and forces me to lie on her shoulder. Whatever…I guess it feels good to have her hugging me.
I stop resisting her embrace and willingly lay down on her shoulder. She uses her fingernails to scratch through my hair when she strokes it. "You can talk to me. Just tell me what happened…" I'm still not ready to talk about it because I know that if I start to talk about it right exactly now, I'm gonna cry some more and I really don't want to go off on another crying fit again. She stops rubbing my head and grabs onto my arms while she lies down flat against the couch, pulling me on top of her. I think it's mighty weird how she's not even a third of my size and she's holding me like I'm a toddler…and I really like it. I don't want to hurt her so I adjust my body weight so that I'm lying with my weight evenly distributed on her body. I'm lying on her chest with my arms wrapped around her waist while she's scratching through my hair again. Funny how I have so much on my mind that I should be worried about but all I can think about is how much I like the fact that she always smells so incredibly good. She smells like perfume and shampoo and I like it because that's just her scent. She smells like Jo.
She puts her head down and kisses the crown of my head before resting her chin atop of it. I like how she just gets that I don't want to talk about it. She gets it and she just leaves me alone because she gets it. Being careful not to disturb me like I'm a sleeping baby on her, she slyly grabs her phone from her pants pocket and holds it behind my back so she can do whatever she wants to do on it while she holds me. I'm starting to think that maybe Iz was right. Maybe I do love Jo. Maybe subconsciously in my mind, I love her… and I just can't tell yet. If Iz could tell that I love Jo before I could even tell that I love her, is it really that obvious? When I start to calm down some more, she grazes her fingernails through my hair again. That feels so good.
"She left me." I mumble. I feel her chest jolt upwards from a gasp she just uttered. "Like it was so simple and so easy. She made it so easy…" My eyes sting bad with tears that are welling up. "She's frickin' gone. She's gone." I blink and the tears fall out. "She shoved all her shit in bags and gave me the ring back and she left. Just like that." This is probably her shining moment, you know? She's probably internally so happy that Iz is out of the equation and I don't know, maybe I'll be happy about it too someday but right now…I'm heartbroken. "…I know you're probably happy, but—"
"Why would I be happy about that?" She sounds really insulted. "Why would I be happy that you're upset? I'm not happy about that…" She rubs my hair some more and puts her lips to my head again. "I'm sorry. I'm not happy, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that you're hurting… I'm sorry." There's no way… She's really that damn perfect? Really? She's so perfect that she's not happy that I'm single? She's really sorry about it? Damn. Yeah, I really don't deserve this woman. She's too good for me. She's rubbing my back as well as my hair now too. "Did she tell you why? Is she gonna be back?"
"She's gone! No she's not coming back! SHE'S GONE, JO. GONE." Stop yelling at her. She didn't know. Don't be an asshole to her too before you lose her. "She said something about the engagement being a mistake… how our whole lives together is just one big mistake. And how she felt like I was staying with her only because she's sick. She said it's a mistake." I'll leave out the part where she said I love Jo. I'll leave that out. I just don't want to give Jo any false hope because at this point, I still don't see what Izzie meant when she said that she could see that Jo loves me even though I can't see it. I don't feel like I love Jo. Sure, she makes me happy when I'm around her and I care deeply about her and I always, always, ALWAYS want to be around her… does that constitute as love? I pick my head up and look at her. The look on her face says it all. She really does feel bad for me. She really isn't happy or anything like that. She looks at me like she wants to do nothing but comfort me. "She's not coming back…"
"I'm sorry." She takes her hand from the back of my head to my jawline and rubs the outline of my chin with her thumb. "Maybe it's for the better though." She wipes away my tears then goes back to stroking my face. "Maybe it happened for a reason and maybe she was right. Maybe if she saw that it wasn't right then it really wasn't right. Maybe it wasn't meant to be…" Her voice is soft, convincing almost. "It's gonna be okay… it's gonna be okay."
Maybe my judgment is clouded right now. Maybe I'm drunk off my ass from all the beers I drowned myself in. Hell, maybe I'm actually thinking with my heart instead of my brain. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have to. So I lean down and put my lips to hers. I can't help it, I feel like I need to. Something inside my body propelled me and told me to do it so I did. And it feels so good to it. I can't thank her for putting me back together. I'm still broken but I swear I wouldn't have made it through this night if she didn't come over. I part my lips and force her lips open with my own lips so I can kiss her the way she needs to be kissed. Her tongue meets with mine and they swirl around together like they're in a battle. She's such a better person than I am. I swear I don't deserve her.
I don't want to, but she pulls away from the kiss. "…Alex, don't." She licks her lips to complete the kiss and rubs them together. "Don't do this to me… don't do this to yourself. You're not thinking and you're all messed up right now. Don't do this. Not right now, okay?" I'm thinking clear. I'm thinking clearer right now than I've thought all night I believe. And I know that I want to kiss you.
"Shut up." I mutter and kiss her again. "Shut up Jo…" I stop kissing her lips and move to her jawline. "Shut up." I slide my hands up to her head and tangle my fingers through her silky hair. She's wearing a hoodie that's pretty concealing towards her body, so I force her head to the side so I can kiss whatever skin that's exposed on her neck. I close my lips around the skin just below her chin line and suck on her neck. I guess she's right about me being emotionally unstable right now. But I do know that I really do care about her and I really do want her and I need her to know that she's different. It means something to me that she's willing to let me cry to her over something like this. She's not like any other girl. And I know just the way to prove that to her, if she'd let me.
"Don't do this… if you don't want to…" Her eyes are closed and she's speaking to me with a thick, pleasure-filled voice. The neck kisses really get her going; I noticed that the last time we had sex too. "It's…" Her voice trails off because I just moved to another part of her neck. "Not cool to fuck with my head like this…"
"I want to." I mumble, face deep in her neck. I take my hands out of her hair and move them down to her waist while I still keep my mouth occupied with her neck. "So shut up…" She whispers an "okay" and I unsnap the button on her jeans. She graciously lifts her hips up so I can pull them down. They're pretty tight so I have a hard time getting them off but she helps me out by lifting her legs and pulling with me. While I throw her pants out of my way, she pulls her hoodie off and tosses it as well so I take my shirt off to match her. Lying between her legs, I go back to her mouth and give her a hard kiss to let her know that I'm not trying to mess with her head this time. I'm doing this because I have nothing to regret by doing this anymore. Her hands immediately go up and curl themselves in my hair while I kiss all over her mouth and neck. I remember a lot of things she says to me. When we're having our conversations? I remember a lot of the things she mentions during them. I just like learning about her. And because I remember a lot of the things she mentions to me, I know what her favorite thing is and I know how she feels about it. But I'm serious enough to do it so what the hell?
Something tells me that she's not gonna let me do this without having something to say or trying to stop me, so I hold myself up hovering over her body. She takes her hands away from my head like I hoped she would've and I put my hands inside hers so she can't stop me. I hold her hands down while I kiss from her neck down to her chest. I stop and kiss the parts of her boobs that are hanging out of the top of her bra then I kiss the crevice in the middle of them. I stop at her stomach and kiss her sides before I move and kiss around her belly button. I think she gets what I'm about to do because she shakes her hands out of mine and puts them over her face. I keep going with the kissing until I reach the rim of her underwear. I hook my arms around her thighs and part them. I move the kissing to the insides of her thighs. I'm not surprised, but she really smells clean. She definitely took a shower because the smell of soap is lingering on her soft skin. Just like the rest of the skin on her body, she has a brown beauty mark on the inside of her thigh.
I kiss her through her underwear which makes her sigh like she's already enjoying herself. I slip my thumbs through the rim of her underwear and slide them off while she elevates her hips again to help me. I take them off and put them on the floor right along with her jeans. I look up at her before I rest my forehead on her lower stomach. Her eyes are closed and her lips are pursed together like she's gonna hold back noises. Just to ease her into it, I slide my tongue along the outside at first. Her breathing stutters. It doesn't seem like she's gonna try to stop me or anything so I use the flat head of my tongue and lick around to make sure I get every inch of her. Her hand is on my head down and I can't tell whether she's pulling my hair, holding my head still or both.
Jo's Point of View.
I really didn't plan on doing this tonight. I swear I didn't plan on this. And especially when I came in here and saw how upset he was? I didn't plan on doing this tonight. But I don't know, he kind of talked me into it. Yeah, by telling me to "shut up", he talked me into it. I can't help but feel like he's only doing this because he's really upset about the fact that she left him. I think he just needs some reassurance right now and his mind is all messed up and he's just doing this because he's in such a fucked up place. Believe me, I know what it's like to do things on impulse because your mind isn't right. I guess at this point I'm just hoping he doesn't regret it. He's… single, I think. So I don't know why he might but I'm just saying that he might because he IS so messed up right now. He really thought I'd be happy about it and I guess somewhere deep down inside I am kind of happy but I'm really not as giddy as he thought I'd be. Why would I be happy that she hurt him? She really hurt him. He was crying so hard that his tears seeped through my hoodie on me. She hurt him, why would I be happy about that? The only thing I'm happy about at the moment is that I can have sex with him tonight without feeling like a whore. I still feel kind of bad—like I'm his rebound or something but I'd rather be a rebound than I whore.
"Uhhh…" An unconscious moan slips though my teeth. Do I mean something to him? He's doing this to me…and he said he doesn't do this to just anyone. I mean a little bit of something to him, don't I? For him to do this to me, I must…right? "Ohhh… shit…" I push his head deeper into me while his tongue is inside of me. He's just as good with his mouth as he is with his other parts. I grab onto his hair and my back arches because he's just so damn good at this. "Mmmmm…." He wiggles his tongue while he pulls it out of me. Oh god no, he can't… But he does. Yeah, he does. He cups his mouth around my clit and sucks on it. I can't do this… I really can't do this anymore he's gonna make me… "UHHHH!" I think that's the loudest I've ever moaned for him which is a bad thing for me. I'm gonna be so embarrassed if I do it. Okay no, this isn't happening… I push his head away from me so he can stop. I don't want to and he's gonna make me. Stop…stop… He has a death grip on my legs though. He won't let me pull away and he won't let me push him away. I'm at that point where I can't take it anymore.
I try so hard to push him away again to get him to stop sucking on THAT PART of me but he WON'T. I don't care what else he does to me, he just has to get off that part. Stop sucking on it… I'm getting more and more resistant which means it's gonna come and once I get to a certain point, it's inevitable. This isn't how I wanted this to happen… I don't want to do it NOW… He wraps his arm around my waist so I can't do anywhere and I can't resist him. "Oh my god…" I whisper to myself. I grit my teeth together, moaning so loud that I probably sound like I'm being murdered. The louder I moan, the closer I get to doing it and… dammit. "…fuck…" I mumble and take my hands off his head to cover my face. I'm sorry… I need a towel… damn I wish I didn't do that.
He stops whenever I do it and kisses from my core up to my neck, giggling like a fucking two year old. "You weren't lying…" He kisses me on my neck. "That was hot."
"…Don't ever do that to me again." I'm breathing heavy because even though I did my special little trick thing, I did just orgasm and it takes me a while to recover after that. "I'm so serious. If I'm pushing your head away, that means stop…"
"Why would I stop? That's the only thing that cheered me up tonight." He nestles his head in the crook of my neck while he's lying between my legs on the soaking wet couch cushions. "Plus, I had to see it to believe it." I roll my eyes at that. "It was pretty hot…"
"I hate you." I playfully slap the back of his head. "…Why do you think you're getting away that easy though?" I sit up and push him back so that we switch positions and I'm on top.
"You don't have to do it back Jo… that's not why I did it…"
"Who said anything about giving you head?" I kiss his neck and straddle him. "I know other ways…"
X X X
Text Message
Tuesday, August 10, 2014
12:02 a.m.
Me: i'm staying over alex's tonight. you don't have to wait up for me.
12:05 a.m.
Stephy!: Okayy. I'll see you at work tomorrow. Use protection. Goodnight xoxo
Me: lol. see you xo
I could really get used to this. Not the whole coming over and comforting him while he's crying, but the whole guilt-free sex thing. I could get used to that. This time was just as amazing as it was the last time we did it, but something about this time felt different. He took his time with me which kind of made me feel special. It wasn't as rough and hardcore as it was the last time. We still had dirty sex of course. He still put me in exotic, wild positions, yeah. But everything about this time was slower and not rushed. He kissed me an awful lot and he was so slow and gentle. I kind of liked this time better than last time. He went down on me so I think that definitely took the sex to a different level between us, even though I didn't go down on him. I would've, though. He didn't want me to. I tried but he wouldn't let me. He said he wants me to do it on my own. He doesn't want me to do it just because he did it to me which I thought was sweet but totally missing my point. I would've done it anyway.
He wouldn't let me live down the squirting though. He was bound and determined to make me do it again which I thought was ridiculous. He thinks that it was hot but I think it was embarrassing. I would've rather have done that in a bed because now I feel guilty about getting the couch cushions wet from doing it but he doesn't seem to mind. He was all giggly and happy about the fact that he made me do it and I don't get the reason why. It was just squirting, you know? Why is that such a big deal for guys? I think it's kind of messy but that's just me. But it made Alex feel better so I guess it was worth it. I'm not totally convinced that he feels all the way better but whatever. I'm not expecting him to feel better right away…his fiancée just left him after all.
I still kind of feel like a cheap whore though. I don't know. I just feel like it only happened because he was so messed up about her leaving him. It was good sex and all but still… I wish he would've done it sober. I could tell he was drunk and I'm kind of nervous that he won't remember any of it. He told me I could sleep over but what if he doesn't remember telling me I could in the morning? I would've much rather have had sex with him while he was sober and I was sober, that way I know it wasn't just the emotions and the beer that wanted to have sex with me. Am I being picky or ungrateful?
I roll over on my side and close my eyes to try and fall asleep. I have work tomorrow morning and if I don't sleep soon, I'll be intolerable tomorrow. Alex has been sleep for a while now and I'm just now going. He fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed. He let me take a shower first and he gave me a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt to sleep in. He got in the shower after me and fell asleep right after he got dressed. I think the beer got the best of him because he didn't even tell me goodnight, nor did he even realize I was next to him. I'm just scared he won't remember tonight tomorrow morning. Tonight was amazing… I'll be so upset if he doesn't remember it.
I just have so many questions I want to ask him. I want to know if this means me and him could possibly be together now? Does this mean that we don't have to sneak? Does he still want to be my friend? Does he want to be more than my friend? Was that lovemaking or was it just…sex? He would answer those questions for me if he wasn't drunken, I know that for sure. I don't know, I guess I might've taken advantage of him… Shut up and go to sleep. I sit up. I have to go pee before I go to sleep for the night. I get out of the bed quietly so I don't wake him and pad down the hall to the bathroom. I also don't feel right sleeping in the same bed he used to share with his fiancée. Is she really gone? Is she coming back? Are they really done? Dammit Alex, why do you have to be drunk? I have questions!
I pull down the boxers I'm wearing and sit down on the toilet to pee. I close my eyes and rest my chin in my hands while I go because even though my head is reeling, I am very sleepy. When I'm done, I reach over and grab some toilet paper. I put my hand between my legs to wipe myself and when I move my hand to wipe properly, I feel something pull and fall. What the fuck? I drop the toilet paper into the toilet bowl and stand up to look behind myself. Floating in the toilet along with my toilet paper is the little IUD birth control thing that I got put in only a few hours earlier. Why the fuck does this thing keep falling out?! I roll my eyes, too tired to be properly annoyed with the fact that it fell out AGAIN and flush the toilet behind myself. I think the Family Planning clinic takes walk-ins. I'll go see about getting that thing implanted in my arm tomorrow during my lunch because CLEARLY this IUD won't stay the fuck in. I'll run down to CVS Pharmacy and grab a dose of The Morning After Pill too, just to be safe. I just don't get it… why won't it stay? Is he going too deep when we have sex? Is he knocking it loose? Whatever, I'm tired and I'm going to bed.
