**WARNING** This chapter contains instances of suicidal thoughts/actions. Please proceed with caution if that bothers you.
Last time, on Crown Games: Bella struggled to stay awake and understand what had been going on around her since the doctor gave her a sedative. She discovers some terrible news amid all the confusion and pain and nightmares, and now is trying to make sense of what actually happened during that time…
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Chapter 28 – Part II, Purge
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BPOV
Snow fell, blanketing the forest in flawless white and freezing the earth beneath my bare feet.
I was running. From what, I could not say. Each time I dared to turn back I could only make out the black wisps of shadows, creeping closer upon the white fabric of my dress that billowed out behind me.
The light was fading in front, and I cried out, seeking its help. But there was no answer.
"This way," a voice called. I turned to see the girl, Alice, beckoning me. I changed course, following behind her as she led us toward a great stone building. We passed the small pillars onto the grounds and I turned with wide eyes to see the shadows could not pass. We were safe here.
"Come, Bella," she said. "It's time."
I nodded, letting her lead me inside the looming wooden doors.
It was cold and dark, but for the few candles that made a pathway to the end of the aisle before us.
I looked up and saw a great throne sitting upon the dais, carved out of black marble and gold. There were men standing about it in dark cloaks, hoods drawn against the faint light. One sat on the throne, hooded in darkness as the others were. Before them was a wide table, made also of the dark marble.
Alice led me forward, the candles shining brighter as we passed before dimming again.
We had reached the end, and my eyes never left the one on the throne. The Dark One. I passed around the table and knelt before him with my head bowed in submission, knowing that I had to please him, offering myself into his power.
He stood, removing the cloak slowly before stepping into the light before me.
"Rise," he commanded.
I did, and he was upon me, breathing in my scent as his face pressed into my throat. His hands slid downward from my hair, across my shoulders and along my arms, caressing every inch of my body until they wrapped forcefully about my thighs. He bent slightly, lifting me onto the table behind us.
I laid back slowly, spreading my arms out as two of the others came forward to bind my wrists.
The Dark One crept onto the table, lingering above me now, with sinister eyes and a dagger in his hand. "To whom to you belong, Isabella?" He ran the dull side along my cheek, his now amber gaze devouring my flesh.
"You." I whispered. "Only you, Edward."
He smiled, holding the dagger above my heart.
I closed my eyes, waiting, hoping…but he groaned and I looked to see that he had plunged the dagger into his own heart, still smiling as blood poured from the wound onto my chest.
"Oh, Bella…" He laughed cruelly, "Did you truly believe you were good enough?"
I awoke, gasping and reaching for him. The throbbing in my heart was still present, and I was unbearably frightened.
"…E…Edward?" I could only manage a whisper, my throat too sore. My eyes searched about the room as my body shook uncontrollably.
But, he was not here.
I was in my bed, a small fire in the hearth lighting the empty room around me. Horrible, blurred images danced across my vision, and my hands clutched my head, not knowing what to believe. Darkness. Weeping. Blood. Running. Glass shattering. Anger. Torture… Pain. Horrible pain.
No. It couldn't be possible…
I flew out of the bed, clumsily kneeling down to the catacombs' entrance with trembling hands and legs. I grabbed for the candle, lighting it without bothering to use the chamberstick. I went along as quickly as I could. Hot wax was dripping across my fingers, but I barely felt the burn, too distracted by the fear of what the pain I already carried meant. Please, please, don't let it be true. I pushed the other door open, snuffing out the candle as I inched inside.
I knew I was alone, despite the darkness. I felt along the walls until I had reached the light switch, illuminating what should have been his room. But it was no longer.
The wardrobe was empty. The bed had been stripped. His few possessions, gone. There was no sign of him anywhere…
Silent tears fell as I collapsed to the floor, my head shaking in useless denial. And I realized that my nightmare was true in that moment. He hadn't just left me… They made sure I would never be able to see him again.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.
An image stood before me of blood on my hands. But not my blood. It was his. It was my fault.
I had killed him.
Muted anguish consumed me as I lay here, gasping, still praying for it to not be real.
Anything. I would give anything for it not to be true. Oh God, please…please…please…
Eventually they found me here, and I was carried away, back to the confines of my bedchamber. I was vaguely aware of my surroundings… Of Mother, reprimanding someone for letting me get by his watch; of the doctor, examining me and asking questions that I couldn't hear. But this was all meaningless compared to the emotions I was drowning under. I wanted to scream, to fight, to do…something. Anything. But I couldn't make myself move or speak. As though a weight had settled over my body. As though I not longer had control of myself.
They laid me in my bed once more, and I turned away, still gasping. Still drowning.
.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
A great emptiness had washed over me. I was hollow, without true feeling or desire. The burning ache of loss consumed all. The last three days since I had finally awoken had been a silent torture. I could not understand how my heart kept beating under such pain.
I sat at the window seat, watching as rain fell against the glass. Droplets making meaningless lines as they travelled further down the window. Outside, the ground was strangely dotted with white where snow had fallen from a passing storm. It was the second of October.
"What can you remember?" The doctor asked again, examining my left arm. His touch made my skin crawl. Or, it would have, if I were not so unfeeling.
He paused his examination, waiting for a response. He had asked me once before, and my reply was the same.
"I…I don't know."
"Do try, Isabella."
My eyes closed as I thought. It was difficult. "There was…pain. An ache. The same I have now… Darkness. Someone wanted to hurt me? No…" I paused, trying to separate the reality from the nightmares.
"And your injuries?" He asked softly.
"I remember blood, and—" him, "—um…feeling faint. Someone was weeping."
"What else?"
It was all a blur. Nothing made sense. "Leaving my chamber… the stairs… Going to the King. Screaming and, and b-broken glass…"
"Go on, my dear."
I clenched my eyes shut, shaking my head. "Nothing. There is nothing after that." Only shadows and pain.
A tired sigh came when I made no other response. "Very well, Your Highness. I shall see you tomorrow, then. Good day."
I didn't answer. It would not be a good day. There were none left now, nor would there ever be.
Mother entered the room then.
From the corner of my eye, I saw the doctor gain Mother's attention, pulling her aside and speaking quietly. I suppose they did not realize I could still hear them.
"Any change?"
"I am afraid not, Your Majesty. She is, of course, much better, but her body is still very frail. I'm afraid it will be weeks before she will be completely healed physically. It is the most important thing right now. We can deal with her mental trauma at a later point, I suppose."
"I see. So, what can I do to help?"
There was a pause. "See that she eats. And make sure she has plenty of rest. Any excitement could make things worse."
A few pleasantries were exchanged, and he left.
If only she had gone with him.
Angela had appeared sometime in the midst of this, laying out the tray of food she had brought. Pointless. I had no appetite despite the empty feeling. I would always be empty. Hollow. Because my heart was missing…
A tremor of pain rippled through me.
"Isabella? Are you all right?" Mother asked, noticing. She had been overly attentive every moment since I had awoken.
Of course I am not.
"Precious, are you hungry? I've had Ms. Cope prepare you some dinner. And look," she said, trying to coax my eyes away from the rain, "she's made your favorite for desert, chocolate truffles."
Another tremor.
They were not my favorites.
"Isabella?"
"Take it back."
"But you must—"
I turned my gaze on her pathetic form. "Take. It. Back."
Eyes wide, Mother called one of the girls to remove the tray. My view returned to the window.
Suddenly, a hand rested on mine. I flinched, causing her to remove it, and she struggled not to weep. It made no difference to me if she did. I only allowed her to stay because she had kept the King from my chamber. I did not know what I would do if I should be forced to look at him, my betrayer.
Mother collected herself at last, and began to speak of activities to do, somehow attempting to distract me.
A fool's errand.
Only one thought consumed my mind: death. It was the only path left to end this, this…anguish.
If only I had help. Someone to take pity on me. Because I could not do it for myself.
I had already tried. Three times, in fact. Drowning myself in the bath, slicing through the delicate skin of my wrists, poisoning my water with ink and anything else I could find. I did not care how death came, only that it did. But when the moment came to near completion, something stopped me. It was like I had been restrained, unable to finish it.
Frustration accompanied the tumult of emotions and I was ready to scream at times, until a strange lack of feeling once again came over me, and I remembered that I was nothing now…
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More meaningless days had passed as I watched the endless cycles of light turn to dark, and dark turn to light outside my window.
The doctor had come once again today, but there was no change to my state, and he left quickly. Hours passed, and I wished there were some way to stop the hurt that had no end, the constant shaking of my hands. There had to be a way…
Sometime in the afternoon I felt a presence behind me. If I had any emotion left, I would have been annoyed at this intrusion. Did they not understand how I hated them all?
"It was him that you spoke of…wasn't it?"
Jasper's voice was low, cautious, and strangely rough. I heard him slowly walk closer and sit down carefully at the opposite end of the window seat. I spared him no glance. "When we first danced at the Spring Ball last year, after my father had reacquainted us… Even then he had a hold on you."
I had almost forgotten what I had told Jasper that night, the memory of being rescued from Demetri the more significant event in my mind. At least he had the sense to avoid speaking his name.
"It was more obvious from him," Jasper continued when I made no confirmation or denial, "his devotion to you. It was much more than a servant should have for his sovereign." From the corner of my eye I noticed his head shake in denial. "I suppose I cannot blame you for it. You have yet to see the selfish nature of those beneath us. How they manipulate and take advantage of every situation. I had hoped this was different. After all, your father was the one to appoint him, and so I thought, too, that there was something admirable about his character."
Jasper went on, telling me of the times he had had to 'suffer' watching him be close to me; noticing how my hand would linger on his arm, or the way he watched me so possessively. As though it was wrong.
"…But, it is over. You are safe from the spell he cast over you and we can have a true chance now." He placed his hand on my own. I looked down, blindly staring at where he was touching me. "I…I realize that some of the affection you felt was not only his doing. You must know that I am sorry to have caused you any pain, especially in speaking of him this way if front of you… I also know that you do not see me as I had hoped. That your acceptance of my proposal was at the insistence of others, but Isabella… My wish is that you would grant me a chance."
His words made no sense. There was some meaning in them I could not understand. A chance for what?
He took a deep breath. "Once we are married, I will not ask much of you. You may do as you wish and I shall tend to my duties with the soldiers. But the kingdom will need to see us every so often, as a united front…
"And, of course, we must produce an heir, so I shall come to you… until that matter is settled."
I tore my hand from beneath his, the disgusting thought of his touch causing my skin to crawl and bile to rise in my throat. Why had I even let him touch me at all?
"I understand that he's… That, that I am not the first to share your bed… but I—"
He stopped, hearing the bitter laugh that escaped me.
"You think you have it all figured out, then?" I asked, turning to him and wondering if he was truly that stupid, just as everyone else was. It seemed so.
Some emotion flitted across Jasper's expression, but it was gone as soon as it came, and his brow was set in determination. He swallowed roughly, and I was vaguely aware of the strange bruising marks on his throat, barely visible beneath his high shirt collar. "I am not naïve, Isabella. I may have… misinterpreted what happened that night, but I have since learned just how close you had become with him."
"You know nothing about him. Nor me. And you will never understand what we had." My voice was only a harsh whisper, the most emotion I could gather against him and his foolish, false impressions. The desire to defend my love was strong, but the short outburst was strangely exhausting, and I fell silent while turning to rest my pounding head against the window. Any argument I could make would not matter in the slightest. No one would take my word as fact. Another injustice, as his name would be forever tainted.
I closed my eyes, attempting to control my accelerated breaths even as I once again unwillingly imagined his blood upon my hands.
"Isabella, I… I do not wish to see you this way," Jasper spoke softly. "It wounds me that the result of my orders has such an affect upon you. But it was not my choice. Orders are orders, and what's done is done. I can only hope that you can, someday, look past this...and perhaps find a place in your heart for me, too."
Never.
He stood quietly then, placing something in my hand and left. I could no longer hold back the sobs that overtook me when I realized what it was… His pendant and chain, now clear of the blood I had seen… And…
Ah. My head throbbed abruptly once more, cutting off all thought.
I clutched the gold to my chest, feeling the ache burn brighter within, and hating Jasper all the more. He had ruined everything and was still being kind to me despite the way I had used him. He still wanted to marry me. For love? For gain? At the insistence of someone else? These questions filled my mind, yet I wasn't sure which motive was genuine. It mattered little, because I could never do that, even knowing I would never see him again. The betrayal had cut too deep. My heart had no place for Jasper. It had already been spoken for, and now it was gone. Dead. Ripped from my chest with pointed, cruel hands.
The pain was all consuming, never waning, never giving me a moment's respite. The only thing I could do was look out the window and try not to see all the memories that lingered in this room. Everything reminded me of him.
I could not even close my eyes without dark visions.
I wanted to get away from all this. But I couldn't die, and I didn't have anyone to take me away… I didn't have a reason to go now, anyway.
But…there was no reason to stay, either. It felt as though I did not even belong here anymore. As though...I never had.
I don't belong here.
It was strange, my small revelation. To realize that I didn't, no couldn't exist without the one person who made me whole. My eyes suddenly scanned the faintly lit room, wondering…
Almost absently, I put the gold chain around my neck…
The next moment I was fastening my cloak and running, moving too quickly through the catacombs for my weak limbs as I raced to the outlet nearest the stables. I was very careful. Perhaps too cautious, even, but I couldn't take a chance of being seen.
I made it outside and into the stable quickly, and thankfully there was no one in sight as I walked to where Síla was housed. I took a shuddering breath, trying to be calm as I rested my head against her soft mane. "We have to go," I told her. "Nothing is left for us in this place."
There was never a thought to leave her behind, but when I looked up once more I realized that it was the wrong choice. It was startling to see that they hadn't somehow made him disappear, too. But he was the one who deserved to be free, and so I made apologies to my Síla and in her place lead Masen away into the dark, rainy night.
It was a difficult task, pulling him along the palace walls without gaining the attention of the guards that patrolled. I only willed them not to notice. Once we had reached the gardens it was easier, moving through the narrow gates to freedom. As soon as I was sure we were far enough into the wood I climbed astride him and rode quickly away from my gilded cage, never looking back.
The night was cold as I pushed Masen faster into the trees. I wasn't sure which direction we were headed in, but I didn't care as long as we kept moving. The sky lightened before I allowed us to rest. I led him to the stream nearby for a drink and then made a resting place some distance away.
Masen knelt down to rest, and I realized that I might have pressed him too hard in my need to escape. "Sorry. I guess I wasn't thinking," I explained, reaching into the satchel I had taken from the stables and produced an apple for him. I ran my fingers through his mane while he stared at me with sad eyes, as if he knew what had become of his master. I felt the sting of tears for the first time since we had gone. The ache was still strong, but as I sat here in the middle of the forest I felt…almost comforted in my grief. It was quiet, and no one was around to question my grieving. Yet, even as I lamented, the earth around me seemed to…shimmer. Almost calling out to me. The earth beneath me felt warmer, and the clouds opened up so I could admire the beauty of the sky, despite the great longing I suddenly and deeply felt.
.
.
.
I hadn't even realized I had allowed myself to fall asleep until my eyes flew open hours later amid the coming dusk, another nightmare making my heart constrict. I got up quickly, then, sure that I had lost too much time. The distance we had rode was not much, and by now they would be looking for me.
My stomach twisted with emptiness and my head spun even as the throbbing of my heart pounded in my ears. But still I carried on, riding day and night, now toward the West, away from what was once my home. It was possibly the most reckless thing I had ever done on my own. Or possibly not.
The one thing I knew now was that my body was impossibly heavy with the weight of pain, malnourishment, and sleeplessness. I was sure that even Masen was feeling weak, too, though I had taken much better care of him than I did myself. As was evidenced by the growing delirium I felt with each passing day.
Last night I had laid in the grass and stared at the twinkling stars that peered through the parted clouds, thinking about my miserable existence now and that I had made so many terrible choices with this life. I had promised myself not to fall in love like the foolish people I had read about. But it was no use. He had already had me from that first moment we spoke. Now I felt like Juliette, waking in the tomb to find her love already dead. Only she had succeeded where I had failed. At least they had some happiness… She was more fortunate than I. Her words echoed through my mind as I watched the stars brighten the dark shroud of night.
Come, gentle night; come, loving, black-brow'd night;
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
My thoughts of last evening were interrupted then, when I encountered a strange thing. It was a sound… Like great rushing.
I forced my eyes open wide and slid off of Masen, leading him through the thinning trees to where the sound was coming from. The smell of salt and dampness filled my nose and as we came through the brush I looked upon a sight I had only read about and seen pictures of…
The sea.
It was vast; stretching out from North to South and beyond the horizon, the sky above half hidden in swirling clouds. The sound I heard came from the rushing waves, crashing against the shoreline again and again beneath the cliff face I stood upon. My hand slipped from the reigns as I stepped forward, peering over the edge to see the torrent below.
Wind blew violently about me, and I marveled. I could see out for what must have been miles and miles as the dark, purple clouds above churned with the air currents.
Beautiful.
It was a sight I had always longed to see, but never could, since it was not part of our lands. I realized suddenly how very far I had travelled, feeling a small sense of relief that no one would follow me here.
The next second, the feeling vanished. No one would follow. Because I was alone. Forever alone.
I clutched at my chest, where the remnants of my broken heart stabbed painfully. Alone.
Dizziness swept me up in its grasp again and I was suddenly falling… A long scream escaped me as I fell through the air, and crashed through the freezing water below.
I was stunned for a moment before frantically moving my body through the waves. The angry water was black in every direction; there was no brightness to direct me upward. Gravity was all-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn't feel a downward pull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the torrents that twisted and pulled and I struggled to find which way was up.
My body shuddered, trying to hold onto what little oxygen I had managed to grasp before sinking.
At first I tried to swim, but since I had never learned how, it did no good, only making my heavy limbs feel weaker, more numb.
And then I realized that there was no point to this struggle. I had wanted this since the moment he…Edward had left me. I hadn't though his name once, but now, at the end, I knew it couldn't really add to the unbearable ache. Edward…
Over and over I thought his name, and I was glad to know our separation would be over soon. It certainly hadn't been my plan, but I was so grateful for being here. Because I was getting my wish. Finally, I would get to be with him. Nothing else mattered. Not the pain, or the guilt, nor the inconsequential matters I had yet to understand.
I felt something wind around my arm in that moment, and my instincts reacted, screaming out the last bit of air I had. Ice cold, the black water rushed into my throat, strangely burning as I breathed it in. This was it.
Edward, I'm sorry. Edward, I love you. I'm coming…
Darkness came swiftly.
.
.
.
But then it was gone, and something was pushing on me. Squeezing and striking and moving my arms, forcing the water from my lungs. I tried to breathe, but there was no chance of it while the burning water continued to pour out. My ears were ringing and still the water burned through my throat, dispensing from my lungs. Another strike came and suddenly I was able to catch a gasping breath, inhaling the now burning air, and realizing that I was no longer in the water… I could not be sure of that at first, since if felt like the waves were still around me… Then the wind blew up and I was sure. Somehow, I was still alive. No! The stab of pain twisted roughly in my chest, and I realized that there was someone beside me. A deep voice, shouting frantically.
"Here! Over here! I have her!"
I tried to open my eyes, to fight the hands that held me in place, but it was too much. I was too weak. I could feel myself slipping from consciousness again as another voice spoke above me.
"Isabella?"
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A/N: *Waves white flag and slowly crawls out of fortress* I know. I'm horrible. ;) Please tell me just how much in your review. Haha. Next update is February 4. Some visuals for this chapter will be posted on my LiveJournal in the next few days, if you'd like to check that out, if not, I'll remind you next time.
So VERY sorry for the lateness of this. Was very busy the last several weeks and being sick and finals at school in December, and terrible writer's block just did not help. Had to rewrite this whole thing over because of it. You have any idea how painful it is to delete a whole chapter and start over? Answer: very. :P It's still not my best writing, but it get's the point across, I guess (despite being much shorter than I wanted. Ugh).
HUGE apologies to those of you who were kind enough to leave me a review for last chapter, too. So sorry I didn't answer! *Lowers face in shame* I hope you'll forgive me and review again, because I loved reading your comments! Special thanks also to MelkiSihou for her diligence in asking me, "When's the next chapter coming?!" :) If you haven't read her story Origins yet, get on that, cause it's on the verge of completion!
I hope you all had a good Christmas and/or holiday and a safe New Year! Hopefully I'll get this story finished before the world ends sometime in the next several months. (Pfft. Yeah, right.) Hahahahaha!
