To my faithful readers: I love you.
This is mega long. Enjoy. And I only had time to edit the first half... so if there are HORRIBLE spelling/grammatical errors, I apologize in advance.
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If a random person was to take my phone and search through all of my calls for the past week or so, they would notice that the only calls made were to my professors for no longer then a minute long each day. If said person was to further investigate my teacher's attendance records, they would notice that I'd been labled as 'Excused Absence - Sick' in each book. But was I really sick? Yes... so to speak.
In my teacher's eyes, I had a very bad cold. Personally, I knew it was another kind of sickness. I was sick to my stomach with fear to go out and face my peers, now that they knew the truth. I made the Cowardly Lion look like a brave knight.
But facing my friends wasn't the only reason I was afraid. I was scared that if I started living my life again, Tom really wouldn't come back. As the days went on, I kept thinking to myself "tomorrow he'll call. He'll send me a text, or he'll call. Everything will get back to normal."
He never called me me.
Obviously his rejection meant that I was supposed to move on. He was serious about leaving. I needed to get over it… but I didn't want to.
But how could I ask him to forgive me? It wasn't fair to him. If he wanted to be mad, it was his choice.
I really did miss him.
In the rough month that we'd been speaking, I felt like I'd really gotten to know him. Obviously, I didn't let him know the real me.
How could I have been so stupid!
"You going to class today?" Amanda asked as she readied her book bag over her shoulder, her voice distinguishably transparent. We both knew I wasn't going to school.
"Don't feel good." I mumbled truthfully. I didn't feel good. At all.
"You know, you're going to have to go back to the real world eventually, Em. You can't hide forever." Amanda sighed in a non-contradicting way as she exited the dorm room quietly. I shook my head, trying to wipe her words from my memory so I could fall back into a guiltless sleep.
"She just won't move! I don't know what to do… it's not healthy… you'll come, then? Thank you, so much. All right, bye." I awoke as Amanda hung up her phone, sighing loudly. My eye remained closed as my brain worked away. So she was really worried about me, huh? She was calling people about me?
I felt bad that she was so worried, but I just didn't feel ready. If I went back to class, I wouldn't feel the same. Nothing would be right.
"Emily? You hungry? I've got pizza. It's from our favorite place." Amanda's voice softly wafted over to me with the smell of delicious cheese pizza.
Of course thoughts of Tom rushed into my brain as well.
Our first kiss was on a night where Amanda picked up our favorite pizza. I had eaten pizza with Tom after we baked a truck full of cookies. We ate Italian on our first date.
"I'm not really hungry." I sighed back, my thoughts suddenly depressing.
"At all? Love, you've got to eat something. You can't just drink water for the rest of your life." Amanda's voice was consoling yet lecturing at the same time. I could tell she was frustrated with my unhealthy lack of appetiete.
"I had a pear awhile ago. Honestly, I'm not hungry." I replied truthfully. I wasn't a lair anymore.
"It doesn't matter if you're hungry or not. Here, I'll make you some toast or something. Could you at least force that down for me?" She asked, pulling out a small roll of wheat bread.
"Sure…" I sighed. It was just to settle her thoughts any way. So what if I felt like I would puke just from swallowing a few bites of bread? At least she would be happy.
"Do you want a protein shake, too? Your diet really can't be too healthy right now, Em."
"I'm okay. Really." I could only handle so much, though.
Amanda didn't reply as she fixed my toast, handing it to me wordlessly and resting upon her own bed. I swallowed the pieces of bread in a few, quick bites. It didn't quite feel as sickening if I didn't pay any attention to it.
I set the empty toast napkin aside, curling back up into a ball under my covers. I was probably due for a shower, but I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. It was exhausting to just walk across the room. Probably from the lack of food…
I must've drifted off into a dull sleep. Lucid dreaming, or being able to know when I was dreaming, was something I'd always had a knack for.
I was walking through my school in my pajamas, not really minding the empty hallways or the soundless corridor. I preferred it that way. I walked into my biology class, taking my regular seat and waiting for my professor to come it. It was completely normal that I was the only one in the classroom. I wanted it that way.
I liked controlling my dreams. It was the one thing in my mind that I actually had control over. It was my own imagination. No one else could take it.
What I didn't understand was why Danny walked in the classroom instead of my professor. I hadn't wanted that to happen. Was I loosing my touch? Was I actually letting the only thing I had control over slip from between my fingers?
Danny walked over to me, sympathetically looking down at my desk. I didn't want him to look sympathetic. I wanted my professor.
"Em? You awake?" Danny asked me, the concerned look evident upon his face.
"Yeah." I replied, like it was obvious.
Oh. I was awake.
"Danny?" I asked, rubbing my eyes and sitting up. Okay, maybe lucid dreaming wasn't really the best thing ever. It really messed with my grip on reality.
"Hey, how're you doing?" He whispered, sitting on the edge of my bed. How had he gotten into my dorm?
"I'm… how'd you get here?" I inquired, completely perplexed.
"Amanda called me." He shrugged his shoulders in reply. I glanced over his shoulder just in time to see the heel of Amanda's shoe disappear out the front door.
"She… called you?" Nothing was making sense. How had she gotten his number?
"Yeah. On your phone… she's worried," he stated, a serious expression appearing on his face. "What's going on Em? What's with the depression?" Asked Danny, his tone clearly stating no funny business.
"It's nothing-"
"I don't want to hear that because we both know that 'nothing' is always 'something.' Now, the truth, please?" How could I deny him the truth? Especially after I'd been secretly denying it for so long?
I took a deep breath, readying myself for a long story. Where would I possibly begin?
"Remember a few years ago… we had that huge fight?" I asked, choosing to begin at the very beginning of my Plan: A.
"Of course I remember. I thought you hated me…" Danny stated, curiosity coating his tone. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well… this is kind of like that." I turned my eyes down to my quilt, unwilling to meet his intense gaze. "I thought… that if no one knew I was your sister, I could avoid all the people who'd use me to get to you," I sighed, shaking my head at my stupidity. "I haven't told a single soul for the past five years that I'm related to you…"
"You… what?" Danny's voice was taken aback. I'd shocked him.
"Hear me out, okay?" I stated quickly, hoping he'd stay to hear the rest of my story. I glanced up at him momentarily, hoping to gauge his reaction briefly. There was no anger in his eyes, only confusion.
"Okay, go on."
"I'm not ashamed of you, first of all. I love you and McFly so much… so don't think for a moment that I was trying to hide you or anything." I cleared up, hoping that Danny wouldn't come to the same conclusion Tom had. "I mean, you can still be mad at me. I lied… to everyone. To you, to mom, to my friends… everyone," God, how pathetic was I? "Just… I did it for selfish reasons… Jessica shook me up so much and I didn't know how to deal with people using me… I still don't…" There were so many people in this school thinking of me now. Thinking of Danny now.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Danny asked, hurt coloring his voice.
"I guess I figured that I was the only one who should know… I didn't tell anyone." I shrugged my shoulders. It was as close to the truth as I could go.
"But… I mean, I'm glad your telling me, but what's with the depressed thing, then? Is it because your roommate knows? She didn't really sound that bad on the phone, Em. I mean, she might've squeaked for a moment in the beginning but that's it… She's not a user." Danny said confidently, hoping that he'd solved the problem.
"I know she's not. I'm so, so thankful that she's not," my breath left me in a small chuckle. I'd gotten so lucky. "I'm not quite finished with my story though…"
I would have to tell him about Tom if he was going to know the entire story. But… no more lies. He had to know.
"There's more?"
"Yeah…" My eyes flickered back to my quilt. "Remember when you came here kind of drunk after your gig a few weeks back? Remember how Tom came to bring you home?" My voice was small as I spoke. It was the first time I'd mentioned Tom aloud in days.
"Er… yeah." Danny's voice sounded embarrassed as he recalled his drunken stupour.
"Well… Tom and I kind of kept in contact after that." I shrugged, trying to put my story in chronological order. It was kind of difficult to think backwards.
"You did?" There was a new interest in his voice.
"Well… yeah. We hung out a few times and… well… this is really kind of awkward, Danny…" I sighed, trying to force myself to continue. All of my memories with Tom were flooding back into my brain, rushing to my tongue. I wanted to scream, cry, and laugh all at the exact same time. I was clinically insane.
"Em, I think I see where this is going…" I couldn't understand his tone. Was he mad? Okay? Upset?
"You do?" I asked, peeking my head up a bit.
"Yeah," He sighed, his hand running through his hair as he leaned back against the wall. "Did you two hook up?" He asked, peeking one eye open to look at me.
"Well… what exactly do you mean by hook up?" I asked, looking for clarification.
"Em," His gaze was stern.
"We kind of got together." My breath staggered out of me as I thought about it. Tom and I were together. We were.
"When did that happen?" His voice was oddly light.
"Um… three or four weeks ago… I think." I pondered to myself, trying to calculate how long I'd been locked up in my room.
"And you two never thought it was a good idea to tell me?" Still the oddly light tone hovered in the air.
"That's the thing… we were going to tell you." Here comes the climax, folks. The main point of my story was finally being revealed.
"Were?"
"Last week, after our…date… Tom came back up here just to… hang out," I began, choking slightly on my words. "My friends Andrea and Jake weren't supposed to show up. I thought I'd scheduled the night around their classes so that Tom and I would be safe and out of the way." Danny listened intently, his face absorbed. "Jake… well, he's an asshole, really. He's hated you guys for as long as I can remember. Every time he mentions you it's usually a long rant about why the pop industry is going to poison us all." It sounded so natural rolling of my tongue, as though I'd known it all along.
"So he recognized Tom." Danny observed.
"No… we were actually having a good time until Jake started talking about how much my roommate sucked for listening to you guys." Here it comes… "Tom had no idea that none of my friends knew I was related to you. To put it lightly… I think he's really mad at me…" I sniffled, trying to hold back any of the weak tears straining my eyes. I would not cry.
"He is?" I didn't like Danny's new tone.
"But he has the right to be!" I cut in, defending Tom. "I lied, Danny. To everyone. You deserve to be mad at me, too!" I didn't want any fights in the band, especially over me.
"Em, Tom should've heard you out-"
"Dan, please just listen," I wanted to finish the story so I'd never have to repeat it again. "After Tom left I pretty much spilled my pitiful story to Jake and Andrea. I told them about how you're my brother and how I've known the band all along and how I think Jake is pretty much a dick… he didn't like that…" I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"So they left?"
"Just Jake. Andrea… she forgives me. I don't know why, but she does." I shook my head, unable to fathom her faith.
"Well, she's nice." Danny said simply, as though that was a good enough answer.
"Yeah, she really is." I knew who my true friends were, anyway. "But… Jake is pretty much a school gossip. By the next morning everyone knew my… secret." I wished that I had a better word for it.
"Everyone knew about you being my sister, you mean?" Danny clarified, kind of shocked.
"Pretty much. I had so many text messages and calls from people asking about you… Danny, it was like my worst nightmare coming to life. I shuddered, thinking it over.
Danny considered my words for a moment, a particular look on his face. It looked as though he was internally debating with himself and I wasn't sure if he was winning or loosing. Was that even possible?
"What?" I asked, trying to get him to speak.
"It's just…" He trails off, his cobalt eyes glancing up at me a few times before he let out a frustrated sigh.
"What?" I asked again, wanting him to speak. I could feel some kind of confrontation boiling deep in his brain.
"I just think… that maybe you shouldn't worry so much. It would made it easier for you in the beginning if you'd just let things go." Danny shrugged, trying not to be offensive.
But would you blame me if I kind of took offense?
"Dan, if I didn't worry about things I would never get anywhere. I'd still be stuck back at home. You should worry more! You can't just let things do what they may!" Now I was attacking him, trying to get the spotlight off of my imperfections. I was wrong… but I couldn't really stop.
I could tell that Danny was getting angry. This conversation had gone from innocent confessions to hurtful confrontations in a matter of seconds. I hated fighting with Dan…
"Em, I'm happy where I am in my life. I know what I'm doing and how I need to do it. You're stuck in school all day worrying just because they tell you to. Fate doesn't care about plans! Things will happen that are out of your control! But those things that you can control? Those are the things you need to do right by! Don't sit there trying to make everything perfect because it won't be." Dan's monologue left me speechless. Who knew that my brother had such meaningful words locked in him? He was completely right… and here I was trying to hurt him.
"I know… I'm sorry, you're right…" I trailed off, looking away.
"Look Em, I am sorry for everything that's happened…" Danny shook his head as our little spat came to a close
"It's not your fault… I kind of asked for it, right? This is what I get for lying to everyone." It was my responsibility.
"But you're going to go back soon, right? You can't lie in bed and hide forever, Em. You can't let this little mess up ruin everything." Danny was pulling the exact older brother roll that I needed. For some reason, he still loved me enough to try to help. I was so lucky to have him…
"Dan… I can't face them… I don't know how! I'll… I'll have to transfer schools and make up the work… I can't do it, Danny." I sighed, looking back down at my quilt as I admitted my weakness. "I'm Jack's admittance of defeat." I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Was that a Fight Club reference?" Danny asked, caught off guard slightly.
No, actually, it was a Tom Fletcher reference via Fight Club. But sure, think what you want Danny.
"Yeah." No.
"Look, Emily, I don't care how many movies or books your refer to, you're not transferring, dropping out, or quitting school. You're the only one who actually has the guts to finish it." Danny pleaded, his voice desperate.
"I just… can't here." How could I get my point across?
"Why not? This school was all you talked about when you were younger! It's exactly the same as before your little white lie got let out… except now everyone knows the real you." Danny shrugged, his stupidly cute sense of humor breaking his serious tone.
"That's not it, though…" Would I be a mess if I admitted it to him? "I can't go back here… because… it'll be like I've completely given up on Tom coming back… like I've completely moved on…" There. I said it.
Danny stared down at me for a few unspeaking moments. I gulped lightly, regretting my big mouth. I shouldn't have said anything.
"So… if he came back, you'd stay?" Danny clarified, his expression calculating.
"What're you thinking?" I really wished that I hadn't said anything. Danny was known for acting without thinking. I've come to fear quite a few of his actions.
Danny stood up from the bed, ignoring my question and heading towards the door. Was he going to get Tom? Half of me wanted him to leave and never return unless the adorable blonde guy was on his arm… and the other half of me wanted him to freeze exactly where he was.
"Danny, don't-" I stopped mid-sentence as Danny swung the door wide open.
On the other side, Amanda and Tom stood obviously with their ears pressed up against where the door had been, completely baffled. They'd been caught.
"Oh… um… hello." Amanda bit her lip, blushing. "I'll just… be going, then." She disappeared down the hallway.
"I should go too-" Tom began, glancing at me quickly before staring determinedly at Danny.
"No, I think you should stay here." Danny suggested, pulling his friend into the room by the shirt collar before stepping over the threshold himself. "I think I'll go catch your friend, Em. Maybe we'll go get something to eat." Danny winked before slamming the door in his own face.
My brother was insane.
"Um… hi," Tom scratched the back of his neck, blushing.
"How… how much did you hear?" I asked, frozen on my bed. Was I completely screwed?
