RUHLSAR000 Here! You know the drill.
Nuha looks at me as if saying are you going to bring it up. "So… I was wondering if we could possibly discuss… Well… Nuha and I's relationship is getting really serious…." Serious enough that I don't need to look at her to know that she is pinching the bridge of her nose.
She lets out a verbal sigh. "Ezra and I have been dating for two years now. The lease on my apartment is up next month. And I've been wondering if I should renew it or not. I would like to hear your opinions on the possibility of me moving in so that Ezra and I can take the next step in our relationship." She says, with a clarity and firmness she usually only reserves for business meetings. Which shows how nervous she is at this point, as she hasn't used that voice with Hera and Kanan since… ever?
Hera and Kanan give each other a sideways glance. "Didn't she already move in like nine months ago," Kanan smirks.
"That's what I thought. She spends at least four nights a week here. And is on all the kids emergency contact lists." Hera says, teasingly. "Quite frankly, I amazed you haven't asked her to marry you, yet." There is an underlying serious tone to her voice. I do not like where this is going. Nuha stiffens beside me, subtly glancing at me. I bite my lip. Nuha takes my hand under the table.
"Yeah, I want to know when I can start calling Nuha my aunt," Fajr says eagerly, knocking over her drink.
Kemen catches it before it spills with an eye roll. "Yeah, I was wondering the same thing."
"What would I even call you, Nuha?" David asks, smiling. "I mean Mom is Mom. And 'mother' is for my biological mother. And I am way too old to start using 'mama'."
"You can already go ahead and call me aunt if you want. But marriage… it's kind of off the table for us." Nuha answers, honesty, but she sounds distant.
I have trouble breathing as I start remembering those last days. The claustrophobic relationship, the control, the- Are the walls Kriffing closing in? Where'd everyone go? What- Why am I in a seedy as kriff bar?!
"Ezra!"
"Kanan!" My voice breaks as it had when I was young.
"Ezra." Donny… I look up and there she is. How- Why-
"Ezra!" Nuha's calm voice comes out of nowhere. "That's not real. You are safe. You are surrounded by people who love and cherish you." This isn't- Oh… I center myself in the Force and let a moment pass. Then another. And another. Finally, I open up my eyes. I am back at the table surrounded by concerned looks. There is the sound of gasps. I look down to see Nuha's vise grip on my arm, and then I feel it. I look up at her. Fear laces her face but it isn't of me, but for me. In spite of that, she has shoved David behind her, as if to protect him.
I look to the other side of me and see Kanan with concern echoing through his face. I realize I'm gasping. I try to settle my breathing when I look at the table. All the glasses have shattered. "Did I- Is everyone okay?" I look around for any injuries but see none. "Hera, I am so sorry!"
"Forget that, are you okay? What was that?" Hera asks.
"I'm sorry." I apologize. "I haven't had one of those since in a few years, even longer before that. I didn't think I'd get those again." I shake my head. Nuha releases my arm and I bury my face in my hand. She hugs me like I didn't just destroy everything. I don't deserve my family. I am just a danger to-
No, I am not. Nuha hugs me, tighter. That is just Donny's manipulations and my own guilt complex. I am not a burden. I am not the most dangerous thing it there lives… Right?
Just move on. I recall the last thing Nuha had said, with a sigh, "Yeah, marriage isn't really on the table for us." Hera, Kanan, Kemen and even David do not fall for it.
Fajr, however, falls for it hook, line and sinker. "What? Why?" Oh crap, I did not think this through. From one uncomfortable subject back to another. I look over to Nuha for help, but she is still looking a bit worried. I can't say it is unwarranted as if I reflect how I am feeling then I look like a pickaxe has been driven through my head. At the very least, experience tells me I am deadly pale. "Tell me!" Fajr, please stop. Instead, Fajr runs around the table and grabs my hand. "Why!"
"Because I'm technically still married to a woman I've been separated from for over a decade. And getting her to sign divorce papers is impossible!" I snap out. Oh, Karabast! Did I really just say that?
Everyone's eyebrows shoot up and there is silence.
"Was… Is she my mother?" David whispers.
"David…" I start but I have nothing else to say.
"Is She My Mother?" David asks firmly.
"Hera's your mother." I can't do this. I push myself up from my chair. Nuha looks at me concerned, hovering around me. "I am going to bed."
David cuts me off, putting himself between me and my path to my bedroom. "Answer Me!" David's eyes are wet like he is fighting off tears.
"Yeah," I whisper without thinking. "She is."
David looks down at the ground. "Why hasn't she tried to contact us? Can… Can I meet her?" Everyone just stares, concern mixed with curiosity.
It would be so easy to lie, to keep my place here. Heck, the lie is partially true. Donny has no interest in being in David's life. And as hard as that is for an eleven-year-old to hear, it would be better for him to cut it cleanly and he also wouldn't hate me. But it is still a lie.
I can't lie to him. But he is going to hate me for keeping them apart. But I can't let Donny near him. Will he want me to leave? Will I have to go back to watching from the shadows? I deserve this. After all, I've done, I was fooling myself into thinking I could have a peaceful life. Donny was right…
And I can't do that to my son. I can't lie to him. Even if he never wants to see me, again. "David, you mother… our relationship was never healthy… It was too filled with rage… And we had very different types of rages. I was ice, I withdrew a lot and was unable to give her the attention and support she needed. And she was… a fire. She would lash out at the smallest provocation." I rub a scar on my forearm that had nearly caused me to bleed out, one of our more violent confrontations. The horror feels bitter as feel it rolls off Hera. I don't need to turn around to know she is whispering her realization into Kanan's ear. A moment later, horror rolls off him, too. That wasn't the worst she did. After all, physical scars fade much faster that emotional ones.
"Then, why were you to together?" David asks tears in his eyes. I kneel down and look up into his eyes. I want to hug him, but I don't know if he wants to hug me. I squeeze his hands and send my undying love for him to him through our bond. He needs to know I love him more than anything with what I am saying.
"I had fallen to the Dark Side. I… I've never been good alone. And I liked having someone around who wouldn't make me look into a mirror and examine the things I had done. Because I was fooling myself into thinking I was on the right side. And if I looked too close, I knew, I'd crack." I admit. "So that's why I stayed. And eventually, you were born. Too early and too small, but you were alive. And… I have scoured the galaxy, seen everything from supernovas to waterfalls hundreds of meters high. And nothing has ever compared to seeing you for the first time. I don't know how she didn't see it, couldn't see it. But, and this is going to sound awful, there isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful for that. She has never tried to contact you and I would have blocked any contact to her had she." I rub the forearm scar again.
My emotions are jumbled beyond belief. I can barely focus through the memories trying to flood me. "I'm not talking about this anymore." I shut this down, forcing myself up. I can't make my legs stop shaking.
I can't maintain it. Pain fills my temple as I fall. "Father!"
Thank You Time! Thank you, ally239, for following. Thank you, suju4lyfe32, for favoriting and following. Thank you, Benny 1571, for favoriting and following. Thank you, Casstrum93, for reviewing. No problem, I am just grateful you review so regularly. Thank you, Midnight Luna, for reviewing. 3. 2. 1. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, Dear Midnight! Happy birthday to you. I was so tempted to sing the monkey version. I'm glad your sisters aren't too bad.
