-Link

I ran out of there. I started off walking. I was walking agonizingly slow, hardly being able to put one foot in front of the other as I left the garden. Once inside the castle my speed increased. I quickly left the palace, still keeping my pace at a fast walk. Outside, I bolted. I ran to the barn that housed Epona, stable boys getting out of my way as quickly as they could.

I didn't even bother saddling her and forget about the bridal. I didn't need it anyway. My frantic behavior was enough to get her to go, fast, in the direction I wanted to go in anyway.

Home.

Epona was running there, nervous by my behavior and seeking a place that we could be safe. That was the reason why the horse was taking me home in her death sprint.

I had started running in order to escape. I had to leave Zelda as soon as possible before her presence could crush me inside out. That was why I started running, to escape.

Now I was going as fast as I could to a set destination. I needed to find Mary, the source of my current pain. What was I going to do when I found her? I had no idea. Only half form thoughts were occurring in my head.

I always felt like that. That I could only really think about what was happening at that exact moment, what I was doing as I was doing it. But now, I was moving too quickly, my brain couldn't keep up with my body.

Epona slid to a stop at the door. She had to stop or risk running right into the building. I slid myself off her, briefly feeling thankful that she wasn't wearing her saddle so I wouldn't get caught up in it and have it slow me down.

I ran to the house and flung the door open so hard that it banged loudly against the wall.

Mary screamed in fright at my entrance. I didn't know what she was doing. She was standing in the middle of the room. Maybe she had been in the middle of cleaning. I stood in the door way, huffing hard. I didn't think to breath during the entire ride over here.

"L-Link? What are you doing...?"

What was I doing!?

I searched through my half formed thoughts that I had managed to create on my way over, sewing the pieces together to try to make something that was at least somewhat coherent in my own mind.

Oh, that's right. I was going to kill her. I was going to kill my wife.

All the hurt had morphed into anger. I didn't know when it happened. Somehow I felt my anger could kill the pain.

Mary was the cause of this pain. If she hadn't gone to the castle, if she hadn't changed Zelda's mind...

Of course that was all the anger talking. I was the one that fucking told Mary about the whole thing. I was the stupid one. I deserved this.

"Link, we need to talk..."

I didn't want to talk.

I couldn't think clearly as I approached Mary in two quick strides. She tried to run from me, tried to get around me, but the fireplace blocked her and I had her up against a corner.

She let out another scream when she realized she was caught. I slammed my arms on either wall to insure she couldn't escape. She started sobbing. "Link! Link, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

What the fuck did she think I was going to do? Hit her?

I just wanted the pain to stop, and hurting Mary wouldn't do that. I grabbed her chin, forcing her to face me instead of trying to cower away, and I crashed my mouth onto hers. It was how I avoided things, really.

I wanted some sort of comfort, something that could ease the pain inside me. I knew it wouldn't last. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference, but it couldn't hurt to try.

Mary cried out in surprised when I kissed her. I kissed her crazily, without logic. She grabbed onto me because otherwise I would have just pushed her down into the corner and onto the ground. I expected her to push me away. I just showed up at the house like a mad man, and attack her. Real Mary wouldn't have let someone do that to her.

But real Link wouldn't have thrown himself at her either.

My breath came out dangerously close to a sob.

No. I wasn't going to fucking cry like some kid. I placed my mouth back on hers, turning any sort a cry into a moan instead. I tried to relieve the tension in my jaw by forcing it against hers. All my muscles had tightened up. I pushed them all against her. She was soft.

I wasn't soft. I still had all my equipment on and was pushing the buckles of all my straps into her. I let her take then off. It was most likely hurting her.

The sound of my sword crashing to the floor startled me, and I grabbed onto her, reinforcing the crazy need I had.

"Link..." she murmured, somehow managing to free her mouth from mine. "Link? Are you crying?"

No, I wasn't crying. I hid my face in her neck, sinking my teeth into her gently, distracting her. She made a moan. I found the buttons on the back of her dress.

"Link. We can't. My mother-"

I picked her up and brought her to the bedroom, kicking the door close and having the both of us fall on the bed. Mary tore at my clothes, caught up in the frenzy I had produced, and I made sure she was completely naked before kissing her again. I never really acted like this with Mary. I had always tried to be more of a gentleman when I was in bed with her. Now I felt more like a sick animal. Her voice and cries sounded foreign to me, but that was alright because Mary was soft and willing. It didn't matter that she was the wrong person. It didn't matter that I didn't love her when I should. It was okay, because she was willing anyway.


I woke up before Mary, and left the house. It didn't matter that I got to the castle early. There was no sign of Zelda. There was no way that I could catch her by surprise. Zelda was smarter than me. I followed the King around, and for awhile, I almost thought of it as a normal day.

But as the day started to end, I had to remind myself not to go to her room. I almost thought about ignoring myself and going anyway. But I did not. Zelda did not want to see me.

I left. It would have been earlier than normal because I had not seen Zelda. I didn't want to go home. Mary would try to talk to me. She would ask me more questions.

I roamed the fields with Epona. I remembered a time when I thought the land could go on forever. Since then the sea had swallowed up most of the it. Hyrule was still a rather large place, but it had been reduced to an island. Eventually the land ended, and with each decade, Hyrule grew smaller as more people came and towns grew bigger. You could get to anywhere within a day now, with all the trains they had.

The loftwings were all gone. The fairies were all gone. The Mogmas, Minish, Kokiri, Zora, Sheikah, Gerudo, Rito, they were all gone.

I stopped at a piece of train track that now marred the land, like a scar. I knelt down to the man made metal. I found trains interesting. They could go so fast with just a little piece of coal, no magic or anything. I used to work with trains. I did so in a past life. My family must have stayed with trains for a while, because I remember working there as a kid. No parents, no family, just shoveling coal and trying to make a few rupees so I could get something to eat. I couldn't remember how I got there. I could never remember. Too many traumatic experiences blocked from my mind.

Epona heard it before I did. She flicked her ears to the side and gave a nervous whinny before I saw the train tracks start to vibrate. I stood up when I heard the train whistle. The six o'clock train was making its way into town.

Trains were big. Big and fast.

There was a small sort of muffled voice in the back of my mind that told me that I should probably get out of the way, but a more stubborn, spiteful voice told me to stay right where I was.

Epona started to paw the ground nervously. If I took one more step... If I could just stand on the tracks... it would be so easy...

I had never outright killed myself before. You could say maybe I thought it was cowardly. Suicide was cowardly. But the real reason was really because it was just a hassle. How to do it, where to do it, when to do it, how much it would hurt, how long would it take; It was a hassle. It was just so much easier to let it happen naturally. Well, as natural as going out and looking for trouble was. As natural as bothering things that should have just been left alone.

The train was getting closer. Epona whinnied again, half rearing, but reluctant to leave me. I was rooted to the spot, frozen.

It would be so easy.

The train raced past my face, screaming, my clothes and hair whipping around me. I didn't flinch, though I think Epona nearly had a heart attack, but I wasn't afraid. I felt myself sway a little, the force of the train going by me so fast slightly knocking me off balance and I briefly wondered if I would lean in too close and get swept underneath the wheels. I wouldn't have mind. I wouldn't have cared. I wasn't scared.

Courage isn't the absence of fear. I had always had fears. Fear, of pain, dying, failing, but when they started to leave me, when I didn't care either way for anything, I realized I should be worried. But I wasn't worried either, because I didn't care.

The train ended and carried on its way to town. Epona pranced behind me and I thought I should take her home so she could eat dinner.

I came home. Mary was arguing with her mother, probably something about me, but I couldn't hear the words they said. Their fight was so heated, they didn't notice me enter the house. I walked right by them into the bedroom, glad I didn't have to talk. I knew Mary would want to talk.

Lana was crying in her crib, forgotten and ignored, upset by the loud noises. I picked her up, holding her close before leaning up against a wall. I gently wiped her crying face with the blanket she was wrapped in.

"Shh..."I tried my voice, but it was thick. "I'm sorry." She quieted down to a whimper as I touched her so I continued to stroke her small head with my thumb. "I know we fight a lot in this family." I stood there in the dark room, holding my daughter, listening to incoherent screams in the other room. "I want you to know," I said again, "that none of this is your fault. You'll probably grow up thinking that." I wondered if Mary would remember to tell her that, during all the screaming and fighting and me screwing things up the way I knew it was going to, if she would remember to tell Lana that it wasn't her fault. If she forgot, maybe I could tell her. Maybe I could be around and tell her.

I wondered if Lana could ever be happy. I brought her into such a broken, hateful family. She had stopped crying and fell into a peaceful sleep in my arms. At least I was able to get her to stop crying. Maybe I could stick around for that too. To keep her from crying and maybe be happy.

I can't say I had much faith in myself, but I decided that I wanted her happy. I had always wanted Lana to be happy, but I decided that I wanted to be the one that did it. Even if all I could do was hold her while her mother fought with her grandmother. At least that was something.

I've must have fallen asleep standing up because Mary was suddenly in front of me. I let out a startled breath, but was able to keep my voice from starting. I didn't want to wake Lana. "How'd you get in here with out me noticing?" she grinned, talking Lana from my arms, careful not to wake her as she put the child back in the crib.

Lana had been keeping my chest warm. I felt cold and exposed without her. I wanted her back, if only to keep Mary from screaming at me. She couldn't scream if I had Lana in my arms. But the screaming really wasn't what I was dreading. It was the talking.

"I didn't even know you came home. How long have you been standing in here in the dark?"

I didn't answer. I didn't know.

"Listen, we need to talk about things."

I started to feel queasy and I didn't quite understand why. I knew I didn't want to talk, but the actual action shouldn't make me want to puke.

"Last night," she looked away shyly away from me. "Last night was kind of wonderful."

"Was it?" I mumbled. I felt my defenses start to pick up. Better to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't get angry. Lana was sleeping.

"But... But I know, that wasn't you. You weren't making love to me. You were making love to her."

I glared at her. I didn't want to argue with her. Even she started saying ridiculous things. Even if she was right.

"I didn't know she would do it so soon. I just had wanted it to stop. I'm sorry I did what I did and it happened like that."

She looked at me as if I was going to respond. I wasn't going to say anything. I didn't want to take her apology. I didn't want to give mine. I didn't want to do anything. I looked at Lana. I felt better when I looked at her rather than Mary. Mary just reminded me of everything.

"I know it's hard for you. I know that it hurts. I don't want to say I'm proud of you or anything, because I still don't understand why you would have married me and started a family if you felt the way you did. Maybe you're lonely and I guess I'm lonely too. So I guess that's a reason. It's just... I'm glad, because, even if you were force to stop it or whatever happened, you still came back to this house..." she covered her hand with her mouth as she bit back her tears. "I didn't know if you would come home again." I wondered, if she somehow knew if I was at the train tracks when it happened.

"If you could... If you could just do me one thing..." I said. I didn't want her to start crying, like my life had meaning, like I was important. I wasn't important. "I know I don't deserve it, but I won't be able to stay. Just please, don't ever talk about this again."

I needed these memories to be pushed away in my mind. I couldn't function. Mary wanted to talk about things, I couldn't talk. If these wounds were continually picked at, the wouldn't heal. I would break. I would run.

"It never happened," she agreed.

I gripped the railing of the crib. Mary could agree to forget about them. Now all I had to do was forget about them, too. I'd take care of Lana and forget. I'd be okay if I kept doing things.