A/N: We are fast approaching the end of this saga. Thank you to everyone who left reviews. I appreciate all your support.
Warning: Hanky alert…
Things Aren't Always What They Seem
28
"Think this is going to work?" Roy was very upset by the sudden change in personality of his partner. He knew that Johnny had been devastated by the assault on Elaine and the aftermath that ultimately resulted in his arrest. Now he sat in Dr. Brackett's office along with Dixie and her counselor friend, Harriett.
"I certainly think it will, Roy." Harriett sounded much more confident than any of them felt.
Dr. Brackett opened the door then and walked into his office.
"Ok, Joe is on his way up to Elaine's room. He's going to tell Johnny that he needs to come to my office so all of us can discuss ways to support Elaine during her recovery."
Elaine's condition had improved enough for her to be moved to a private room. She was beginning to take in some nutrition and hydration by mouth; enough that all of her IV's had been discontinued. She was still painfully thin but her throat was feeling much better now so talking wasn't as painful. She had also made one very important decision for herself. She had recognized her need for counseling and was willing to let Harriett assist her.
However, Johnny's three friends who were now seated in Kel's office were as concerned about him as they were Elaine. He had already made it clear to Roy that he did not need to talk to Harriett; therefore, his friends were going to try to help him without him realizing it.
Within a few minutes there was a knock on the door of office 127 and a somewhat haggard John Gage was invited in.
"Hey Doc," he stopped mid-sentence as he noted who all was in the room. He swallowed hard and then looked down at the floor. "Uh, Dr. Early said that you, ah, needed to see me about, um, something to do with Elaine?"
John hated it when he stuttered like this but he wasn't expecting Roy to be in the room.
"Have a seat John and thank you for coming down on such a short notice. I won't take up much of your time." Harriett had such a warm and welcoming personality that he couldn't help but feel at ease in her presence.
John refused to make eye contact with Roy but did take the only seat left. The one between Harriett and Dr. Brackett's desk; strategically placed at the farthest point from the door.
"Johnny, this is my good friend Harriett Bowman. She's been a crisis counselor for over twenty years and has a lot of experience in cases like Elaine's." Dixie hoped John would be helped as much as Elaine.
"Mr. Gage, my purpose here over the next little while is to offer Elaine's friends," she gestured to the others in the room, "some things to be mindful of in order to help Elaine through this ok?"
Everyone's eyes focused on Johnny hoping for a sign from him that he was accepting of the assistance.
"That, ah, that sounds good, Ms. Bowman." Johnny looked down at his hands in his lap before continuing. "I want to do everything possible for her."
"I'm very glad to hear that Mr. Gage."
Over the next half hour, Harriett explained to the group what to expect from Elaine.
"Everyone reacts differently so these are just some things to be aware of that she may or may not go through."
She explained to them how to handle flashbacks and fears; even fears that may not seem related to the abuse itself. "For example, she may become very nauseated by the scent of cigarette smoke. Our sense of smell is very powerful when it comes to bringing back memories – both positive and negative. She was physically injured while being surrounded by cigarette smoke." She looked at each one of them and saw that they were understanding her completely.
She gave them ideas on ways to help her take back control of her life; ways to encourage her to make decisions for herself. "Even the most minute details of her life were most likely controlled by Oto. So it's important that she realize she now has the power to make her own decisions. She was doing that when Oto reappeared in her life. That was a setback for her for sure BUT," Harriett held up her finger for emphasis. "Each of you helped her in your own unique way to learn to overcome her trust issues. She had begun to make progress….and she will make progress again."
Johnny sat mesmerized by her words; taking them all to heart. Dixie noticed it and knew that Harriett was the right person to reach him.
"Elaine suffered at least three types of abuse; physical, emotional and sexual. Each can cause lasting scars but the stronger her support system is the sooner she will take back her life."
She looked at the four people in the room; those who had helped Elaine the first time and she felt confident that they would all be there for her now. What she was saying to them was all very important especially for Elaine…but she wasn't the only one who needed Harriett's help.
"Remember, there will be a lot of times when she needs someone to just listen; even if it's to the same story being repeated. This will help her work through it. Think of it like muscle strengthening. You don't just pick up a dumbbell and pump it a couple of times then walk away with rock hard muscles. It takes repetition. She needs you to be the best listeners you've ever been."
She looked for affirmative nods before she continued. "Any questions about your part in her recovery?"
The only person in the group who didn't respond was Johnny. Harriett could see the questions and worries written all over his face and knew that everything was working out great…..so far.
"I have some additional information to share with you, Johnny. Will you please stay another few minutes with me as this doesn't apply to the others?"
John looked at her and drew his eyebrows together in a quizzical expression. Harriett answered the question that he didn't ask of her. "John, you and Elaine are closer than just friends. She needs more support from you and I'd rather discuss it privately."
"Um, yea sure…of course."
Dixie wanted to shout for joy. Their plan had worked. Harriett would have some time with John; and both Elaine and John would be the beneficiary of her knowledge and experience.
Kel, Dixie and Roy excused themselves.
"Take all the time you need." Dr. Brackett said to Harriett and then patted John on the shoulder as he followed Roy and Dixie out of his office.
Harriett shifted her chair so that it was at a 90 degree angle to John's. She wanted him to feel encouraged to open up to her but not to feel threatened or suffocated by her presence.
"John, I hear that you are one of the best firefighter/paramedics in the entire state; maybe even the country." She didn't wait for a response from him knowing that his ego was very bruised at the moment. "I want you to know that Elaine needs you just as badly today as she did that Wednesday morning when you and Roy rescued her from that apartment."
Johnny sat with his elbows on his knees without looking up at her. "But John, be aware that this will affect you almost as much as her, but in a very different way." She waited for a moment letting her words sink in.
She heard Johnny sniffle as he barely uttered the phrase, "already has."
Harriett had been ready for defiance, denial, even an angry outburst of sheer rage; but his humble acknowledgement was totally unexpected. She had to regroup because he was ready for her help and she wanted more than anything to rescue the rescuer.
"John, can you explain what you mean by 'already has?'"
Over the next forty minutes John opened up to her about his feelings of fear and how angry he was about the whole situation. He never looked up as he spoke; finding it easier to pretend he wasn't actually talking to a counselor. Harriett helped to guide their conversation through skillful questioning of John. Because he seemed to be so open to talking at the moment, she continued to gently push him onward until she finally broke through the tough exterior of John Gage to the soft warm center where he seemed to hide within himself so often.
Harriett watched his body language carefully and noticed how much his hands were shaking. She saw him close his hands into tight fists and then release them again. He kept repeating this behavior as he talked more and more. She watched his right leg begin to bounce as though controlled by some outside force. She could almost feel his internal rage and knew he was close to saying what she knew to be weighing so heavily on his heart.
"John, what's going through your mind right now?" The silence between them was palpable. She was giving him time to sort through his feelings and she did not want to rush him.
In a hushed whisper he finally said, "I can't fix it."
"Can't fix what John?"
Johnny hung his head even farther down. The pent up rage was beginning to boil to the surface and it scared him.
"I can't undo what that bastard did." He said through gritted teeth.
Harriett knew where this was heading. She'd seen it before only in this situation there was one major difference. "And he didn't have the balls to face you man to man either; he got himself killed before you could get the satisfaction from doing it yourself."
Johnny was shocked at what he'd just heard. How'd she know about that?
"John, you are not the first man to feel that way and unfortunately you won't be the last." She looked at him and tentatively reached her hand out to him placing it gently on his shoulder.
"What you are thinking and feeling are perfectly normal in the situation, Johnny. Something would be wrong if you didn't feel that way."
She could see Johnny's jaw muscles working and she knew she'd struck a nerve. She also knew there was more.
"Johnny, I'm going to ask you a question and I really hope you'll answer me honestly, alright?"
He shook his head affirmatively.
"John, somewhere deep down are you blaming yourself for not being there to stop him?"
She watched as Johnny's adam's apple moved as he swallowed hard. He closed his eyes tightly trying to hold back the flow but he couldn't. His tears began as a trickle and then began to pour.
"John, talk to me."
His breathing rate increased and he balled up his hands into one tight fist. "Ms. Bowman, when people are in trouble and need help, they call the fire department. I've gone out hundreds of times on calls similar to Lainie's. But I wasn't there when it mattered the most. Don't you get it? I wasn't there. I could have stopped it but I wasn't th…" His voice broke before he could complete the last word. He had admitted his fault in this situation and it hurt him to his core.
Harriett squeezed his shoulder. She knew he was struggling to keep his emotions in check but she also knew that she had to press on.
"John, how many calls have you responded to where a drunk driver killed an innocent person?" John just shook his head. In his heart he knew where she was headed and he didn't want to accept her reasoning.
"How many, John?"
"Lots."
"How many of those accidents could a family member have prevented if he'd been present at the scene?"
"Dunno" he said momentarily.
"John, how many could have been prevented if the drunk driver had never gotten behind the wheel?"
He merely shrugged his shoulders.
"John, the blame for what happened to Elaine lies solely with the perpetrator. Had you known what was going to happen you never would have left her at home that night right?"
Johnny shook his head; his voice completely washed away by his tears.
"John, listen to me. You didn't know. Elaine didn't know. The police didn't know. The only person who knew is dead. You want revenge don't you?"
He nodded.
"Then you and Elaine work through this together and live happily ever after. That's the best revenge possible. Don't let Oto take away what you have with her."
She watched as Johnny's shoulders shook harder and she could see his tears begin to splash on the floor.
"John, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. You have been by her side constantly since last Wednesday morning. She is without question alive because of what you and Roy and Dixie, and Dr. Brackett and the two officers all did for her. Each of you played an important part in her being alive today."
He looked up at her then.
"Do not discount what you and your friends have done. She doesn't blame you not one iota. So stop blaming yourself and get on with the business of living."
His chocolate eyes seemed to be melting. His lips formed a tight thin line as he gathered up the strength to speak. "But Ms. Bowman, I can't tell her how I feel. Then she'll feel like it's her fault somehow."
Harriett wanted to smile at the absurdity of it all. "Sounds to me like you two have a lot in common."
He closed his eyes again and shook his head thinking back to all the times he had shared that same thought. Yea, we're two halves of the same whole.
"Johnny, let her lean on you…..but you lean on your friends."
Johnny opened his reddened eyes once more. "I'm surprised I have any friends left."
Harriett knew then that she needed to share with Johnny what she knew about his situation. "John, I know what happened in the cafeteria yesterday. Roy wants to be here for you if you'll just stop pushing him away. He's talked to me. Now the question is…..will you talk to him?"
He nodded and again in a whisper said, "yea, I need to."
He relaxed his hands finally and watched as the color returned to his fingers. Harriett stood and walked toward the door as he continued to sit and collect himself enough to be presentable. Within a minute or so, he heard the office door open and shut again. He was expecting Harriett to return with some tissues or water or something. He never looked up still trying to dry his eyes with the heels of his hands. And then he felt it. A very familiar hand rested on his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. He didn't have to say a word for Johnny to know who he was. He lost all semblance of control over his emotions at that moment; the moment when his best friend reached out to him. No words were spoken and none were necessary. Roy sat in the chair Harriett had vacated moments before and held him close. Johnny sobbed into the chest of his best friend; the one who'd shared his life over the last several years. The friend who'd been able to stay calm when Johnny's world was falling apart. His partner who had saved his life on numerous occasions and whose life Johnny had saved an equal number of times. Masculinity be damned, he needed Roy's shoulder to cry on and strength to carry him through this season in his life and he'd never been so thankful for friendship as he was at that moment.
