A/N: SO I'm not 100% happy with this. I'm in the process of editing this whole story, and I know I'll work on this some, but I needed to get it out, so I can look back and see what I need to redo.
Let me know what you think!!!!!
Also, the next/last chapter is probably going to take a week or two...possibly three since I have exams and haven't got much on it already. As well as I want it to be proper for you all to have a well written ending.
Spock stood in the main shuttle hangar at the academy in San Francisco waiting for Felicity. He had much to discuss with her, topics that would change their future together.
He needed to think. He needed to realize what he wanted.
It was always easy for him to dismiss any averse feelings he felt during their courtship to not understanding humans as a whole, but after speaking with Nyota, and having her input about how unhappy he seemed, he couldn't help but think twice about the logic of their affair.
She was on his mind, constantly. This was more of a normal occurrence, for she lingered ever present even if not in the forefront of his thoughts. She was connected to him, and he to her, and that was exactly what he wanted...needed to discuss; them.
While he was waiting, impatience began to diffuse throughout his body, and he had little ability to suppress the lingering emotion. A cadet walked toward Spock. The young man was dressed in the typical Starfleet red uniform and far too merry. He began asking the Vulcan about the Xenolinguistics courses and who would be teaching them. Due to his irritation at this blissfully unaware cadet who had no real experience in the trauma and devastation life could cause, along with his impatience to speak with Felicity, Spock snapped at the young man, telling him to try and gain information through real work and research efforts rather than imposing on his time. As the young man hastened away, a glimmer of amusement was alight on the Vulcan's face.
If Felicity had been near him during the incident, she most likely would have reverted to her informative form of operating by reminded him about the fundamental attribution error, a significant aspect of social psychology in which the cadet he scared off would have attributed Spock's foul mood to dispositional factors rather than mitigating circumstances. At times, Felicity could be so well informed and logical about her life, but her humanity greatly flawed her judgment quite often.
She was proud, and not only was she proud, but she was also stubborn, narcissistic and self-absorbed.
He saw her walking toward him in the hangar and anxiety traveled to his central nervous system. Her solemn mood could be felt too, through their emotional link she had inadvertently created so many years ago, when their courtship was still fresh and without much complication. He remembered how fiercely she had clung to him for that first kiss; a moment of time lost in perfection.
The verdict was still uncertain. Spock was not at all sure he would be able to follow through with either of his two choices. But choices had to be made, and Spock was not one for shirking his duties, either to his work or his planet...his planet, which no longer existed. So many decisions required his attention, but as usual, she filled his thoughts. How could she not? His world had orbited around her for so long.
She was getting closer by the second.
The hangar smelled like shuttle fuel and burning metal. Numerous small crafts were being repaired after their endeavor with the Romulans.
The choices he made would greatly effect not only his life, but the life of the woman he loved; the woman he loved, and spent so much time observing and understanding. Without her his life would have little continuity...at least until...well, he would consider that at a later time. Why was it that love and logic conflicted more than anything in the universe?
To him, Felicity was weak, weaker than she would admit to herself or anyone else. Felicity was stubborn and would not yield to any decision he made without her approval beforehand. Felicity was gifted with such a deep desire to learn and was constantly enlightening him. But most of all, Felicity was not logical, at least not to the extent he needed her to be.
He loved her. He couldn't stop the silly mantra running through his thoughts. He loved her. Reaching a verdict in his overactive mind, he clasped his hands behind his back and walked to meet her.
Felicity was reviewing every detail of her and Spock's relationship. An almost five year relationship with only a few hiccups in between could possibly have been in vain. Fives years have the potential to be wasted because of a few incidents that went horribly wrong. She wished for someone that she could turn to and ask for guidance about what to do.
There was much consideration about possibilities in life. Going to a new Vulcan? That wasn't high on Felicity's list of things she wanted to do, much less for a long period of time.
She was an investigator, part of the security team, a red shirt, not a lawyer. Trying to argue both sides of the argument, the one to either stay with Spock or leave due to their many complications was difficult, because neither side of the argument was logical. It was drenched with emotion.
She stayed up late without any hope of coming to a conclusion. She could argue reasons for both sides, and she did.
To satisfy her obsessive compulsive needs, Felicity had to properly categorize her issues with Spock by tables and indentations. Unfortunately there was no PADD close, and all she had was a napkin from her lunch earlier. She began listing and wrote a word incorrectly, so she had to flip the napkin over and start again on the other side.
Positive:
Loves me-(I think)
Passionate-(when not in public)
Knows and understands me
Takes care of me
Negative:
Hurt me
Unyielding
Overbearing
Steals my glory
There were other negatives, but she really didn't want the negative list to be the longer one. Besides, the last reason was more than enough to make her reconsider their relationship entirely.
If Spock did not have the undying desire to rank first in all things, she might not have been disturbed, but her ideas were as good if not better than his. Hell, Kirk threw in a few fabulous notions while on board the Enterprise, but of course, being too noble and unyielding, Spock ignored every statement not in congruence with his own.
Spotting him standing exactly where he had said she would be able to find him, he looked pensive, staring at the floor. He was handsome, at every second, any time she watched him, and even now after everything they had been through, her heart pounded harder against her chest, and a strange lustful love settled around her. Imagining their many sexual encounters ignited a fire between her thighs that was quickly extinguished when the memory of their last encounter surfaced.
He had been the only one she trusted for so long. What would happen if she lost that; lost him? Would it almost be better for her? Would her life have meaning? Who would she turn to in times of trouble? She had to talk to him about their relationship. Everything they worked so hard to build with each other was quickly crumbling around them in only days.
His eyes. They were watching her, holding her captive, and her heart pounded when he began walking toward her as well. Though the longer list of negatives would deduce the more logical choice, she was not bound by logic alone. Love was enough for her, even if it ended up killing her. She made up her mind and stopped only a couple feet away from him.
Neither spoke for a long time, both taking the time to search the other for any signs of decision. After a silence longer than eternity, Spock was the first to speak.
"I've been waiting for you." He stopped, hesitating with his hands balling into fists behind his back. She could feel his anxiety through their connection. Finally he looked at her resolutely and asked, "What is it you wish to do with your life, Felicity?"
It wasn't exactly how she expected their reunion to begin. "What are you talking about?"
"You are in security investigations. That is what you excel in, and I do not understand how you can be wasting your time on Earth or on a ship that does not fit your needs." It took every ounce of his control to try and not show any hint of emotion for her to detect.
Her jaw literally dropped as he repeated her everlasting argument about life. Not once had he been in accordance with her on the topic, and she found it difficult to understand his purpose. "You can't think of any reason why I would want to be on the Enterprise?" She crossed her arms over her chest while letting him continue before flat out saying she wanted him.
"Not a legitimate one." When an utter look of disbelief crossed her features, he quickly added, "You have so much more potential than remaining stagnant for the rest of your life." He sounded just like Kat-tah.
Closing her eyes tight to prevent tears from leaking out, Felicity finally understood the point he was trying to make, and why. "You're breaking up with me."
"I don't know." he replied honestly.
"What do you mean, you don't know? Why else would you be saying all of this?" Her voice became shrill as panic began to weave it's way into her nervous system.
"Personally, I have never been put in this position, so it is difficult for me to comprehend the social context." He hesitated and wished she would speak up so the focus would be removed from his inexperience, but Felicity barely looked at him with a mildly distraught visage. Pressing on to evoke some other response, Spock added, "I want for you to be used at your full potential. It is what you want, and I want for you to be content."
Head snapping up to stare at him, her eyes narrowed, and her shoulders tensed. "You can't possibly want only the best for me when you've been so selfish with me our whole relationship. I'm a big girl, why don't you just tell me the fucking truth."
Spock silently watched her for a while, searching her features. After a few minutes, he bowed his head and said quietly but without malice, "Your stubborn personality, lack of acceptance for reality and disregard for the rules has worn on me."
A slap in the face would have been more appreciated, but she did ask for the truth. Perhaps he had been right when remarking about her inability to cope with reality. "Wow. Ok." It took her a moment to process the information, and she looked up at him with an afterthought that needed satisfying. "Why do you care if I don't follow the rules?"
"They are unimportant to humans typically in small amounts, but for Vulcans, we chose to live within regulation."
The pain from his rejection began to set in, and Felicity did what she always did best; lash out. "How foolish of me to think that I could be comparable to a Vulcan. I should have remembered that when you constantly begged me to stay with you over and over again when we were together, or how you initiated sex with me for the first time. You did, not me. God, I'm so fucking stupid for not realizing I was so beneath you."
He took a step toward her and narrowed his eyes, wishing desperately she would realize he was not what she wanted anyway. "That is not what I meant, and this is a perfect example of what I am trying to convey to you. You are far too impassioned of a person that I cannot conceive of how we would stay together. I still care for you deeply and want the best for you, but-"
"I get it." she cut him off, not wanting anything more than to leave right then and never speak to him again.
Spock sighed and closed his eyes in an attempt to clear his frustration. "And you never let me finish what I am saying."
Felicity also resorted to defacing everything he had to say. Making the other person in an argument sound like an idiot was always a great tactic. "I believe 'never' is a gross overstatement."
He felt stupid for making such a rash generalization, but had to concede to her insight. "You are correct."
"I know." She was acting over-arrogant, but she didn't care. Her whole world was crashing down. Expecting a completely different reunion, having Spock reject her was more than she could bear, and she wanted nothing more than to crawl in a safe, secluded place until he changed his mind and realized they were better together.
Spock decided to take a different approach and try to get Felicity to admit her own dislike of the mess considered their relationship. "How do you feel towards me?"
Not even bothering to look at him, her arms were crossed over her chest. "I want to punch you in the face right now."
A deep sign came from his strong chest. "Besides that. Do you not feel like you are wasting your time? Is that not what you said to me on the ship?" The questions were almost antagonistic, but he didn't care. Once she saw he was correct, then her heartbreak would be diminished, making him feel less like the villain.
Her voice was becoming progressively louder. "I was pissed off then." She couldn't figure in her mind how he had gone from wanting to marry her to breaking up with her in the time period of a day.
"But that can often lead to saying things that are true in your heart." he said pointedly. It was true. There were numerous articles on the subject he had read over the course of his life having such close interactions with emotional, human women.
"There is a little part of me that does feel that way. But..." Felicity searched for the words she wanted to say. Sometimes the simplest one were the best. "...but I want to be with you. I do love you."
Spock braced himself and squared his shoulders. She was unsure if this was to help keep his position with her proclaiming her love for him or if he was becoming more irritated. "You told me on the ship you didn't think my affections were enough, and now you have changed you mind? Your fickle character is difficult to handle, and already having withstood your rejection on multiple accounts, I find my stance quite reasonable."
An adorable snort was ejected from her lungs, though her was marred with sadness. "My rejection..." How could he not be fed up with everything she put him through? Granted, he caused her much anxiety with his interaction around Nyota, but she was not an easy person to handle either. And did she once ever thoroughly thank him? Maybe with sex but nothing else. Well, maybe a good few years of her life. Wasn't that thanks enough? She guessed not.
Pressing on, he hoped to properly convey his intentions and reasons. "You cannot come to a reasonable convergence between what you want and what we can be together, and your inconsistency between wishing to stay true to your plans in life and compromising to what I want is what created these countless arguments. I obviously do not please you, so do not feel obligated to stay with me."
The nervous energy flowing through her veins caused her to start impatiently tapping her foot. Rather than defending herself from his convictions, she chose another route for their discussion. She wasn't with the intention to make him feel guilty with the change, but wanted him to know the truth about her choices about him and about her life. "I was considering going to the new colony with you today. I was going to say 'yes'."
Closing his eyes, he could barely even breathe the word, "Why?" Words could not be taken back, but even if they could, things would not change. Things would not change, and that was the only small fraction of knowledge allowing him to maintain control when he realized there was...had been the possibility of him and Felicity together in a comfortable home raising small, pointy-eared children.
She looked at him as if he were crazy, and for all she knew, he was. His mood and outlook changed so drastically over such a short period of time; he had gone crazy. "Because I love you. Because I don't want to feel that all these years I spent with you have been a waste, but apparently it doesn't matter what I feel."
"This is a prime example of the point I am trying to make. We both try to control each other-"
"How?" The word was all but yelled at him.
Spock's hands were now in front, and he was wringing them ever so slightly. "Manipulation. When I disagree with you on a topic, you try to change my mind, and vice versa."
It was true to an extent, but wasn't that how all people, how all society acted and interacted? In the majority of her life, that was what Felicity observed, and she always modeled what she observed. Deciding to not acknowledge the degrading way she treated him, she asked the first question coming to mind. "And what if I choose to stay on the Enterprise?"
Considering the possibility for a moment, there was nothing about it which would make sense. "I can think of no adequate reason why you would."
Another true statement. Fuck his logic and all the knowledge in his overactive mind. Why the hell would she stay on some bullshit ship in no way accommodated her abilities? He made any possibility of her staying on the Enterprise threat null and void. Looking around, she noticed the multiple shuttle crafts begin repaired. There was actually a large amount of noise where they were talking, but everything had been silenced to her except his lovely voice. Her obsessive nature began to think about all the time they were together and started to doubt the quality of his affections.
With sad eyes, she turned her attention back to him. "Do you love me?"
His response was ease and confident. "I do."
A slight whimper escaped before she gained control over herself again and asked, "Then why ruin it with all this about me working to my potential and bickering about little problems every couple has?"
They didn't fit. Simple as that, but she wouldn't accept his answer, and so his emotional wall became weaker with the passing of every second. He tried to explain it again. "I cannot find reason enough to be on an investigative ship only to be together. Similarly, I can find no reason, save for myself which I personally do not believe to be sufficient, why you should stay on the Enterprise. Not to mention your aversion to remaining on the new Vulcan colony with me. I know what you can do, what you want, and I want your life to have meaning too."
"You give it meaning." she pleaded quietly.
"I have a duty to my people." he responded equally as quiet. Being Vulcan didn't mean he wasn't slowly hyperventilating from pain.
Anger flared. Most accounts of the people of Vulcan were in some negative connotation, but now that many of those people who criticized and ridiculed Spock were dead, he wanted to fully embrace the heritage. She loved him pathetically, and was forsaken. "And what about your duty to me?" Spock opened his mouth, but she shook her head quickly. "Don't worry about it. I have been disappointed by almost everyone close to me, so this is no surprise, really. I'm actually interested on why it took you so long to get tired of me like the rest." Felicity clenched her hands into fists to try and control herself and to keep from crying. Her voice cracked when she started speaking again. "I just wish that when I had come back, you could have helped me out and then left me alone, and you can't blame that one on me. You did it all, the mind meld, the joking about kissing, everything."
He looked to the floor and barely whispered, "I'm sorry."
She let out a mix between a laugh and a grunt. "No you're not."
"I truly am, Felicity. I never, ever had the desire to hurt you in any fashion, but we were not designed for one another. I would like to continue our endeavor, but it would only draw out our relationship longer, and I do not want to waste your time. I apologize for all I have wasted thus far." He began to subconsciously wipe his hands of the nothing in them; almost as if wiping them of her, but she didn't want to invest that much symbolism into something so trivial.
"Don't do this." Felicity pleaded, trying to not lose the one thing in her life that made her feel loved and captivated for so long.
He tried to think of something, anything to make it easier for her. The pain he felt was almost unbearable to be sure, but all he care about was how she felt at the moment. "Would hating me make it easier for you? I could act more appallingly."
"I don't want to hate you." she whimpered, almost coming to tears.
Another long moment passed between them; neither knowing what to say or unsure if they should just separate then and there. While she was understandable upset, the fact that she did not want to hate him or have any strong, negative feelings toward him made Spock's heart lighten infinitesimally. Though silly, he couldn't help but feel obligated to say, "Thank you."
Any word he uttered sounded like a dismissal, especially the last two, but she could leave his gorgeous face yet. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
Was it? The deplorable and obnoxious logic could argue both ways, and he spent a considerable amount of time considering both sides. His mouth hung open for a long moment before he answered. "...Yes." It wasn't necessarily what he wanted. He didn't want to cause Felicity pain. He didn't want to leave her. He didn't want to be without her for the rest of his life. He didn't want to take a mate that wasn't her, but she and he did not belong. He could see if better than her, and they would make each other miserable for the rest of their lives. He searched her face again for signs of distress and outrage, but she was relatively calm. "You are able to handle this much better than any of our previous arguments."
"I'm probably not registering the full consequences of this argument. Sometime in the distant future, I'll be crying my eyes out." Felicity wiped her hand over her face.
Spock's chest constricted knowing full well she was telling him the truth. "Please do not."
"What do you expect me to do? Give you a high five and agree it was all fun times?" she asked incredulously and gave him a mirthless laugh.
No humor was found in her sorrowful attempt at a joke. Or it might not have even been a joke, but there was no amusement in his expression, or in his being at all. Thinking back to numerous years ago when she returned to him in an unfit state, he felt panic. He was separating himself from her, and if she needed someone again while in a similar state, who would she find? "I understand you will be under emotional duress, but please do not allow your emotions to impede your ability to work."
"I'm a little more grown up now." Her answer was terse and agitated. To know he was aware of all her weaknesses was something she didn't want to think about. It didn't seem fair, for both of them really to seemingly use each other until that use wore out. Tired of the fighting and anxiety, she tried to recall her shortcomings and decided to attempt with him some small talk. "So you're not going back to the Enterprise?"
"I don't believe so." Spock shook his head and shrugged. It was an appealing idea to stay, but there were more important complications.
"Jim would give you the position of first officer, I'm sure." she urged. As a captain, he was shit, but as a second in command, he would probably excel. Spock was always a great teacher and mentor, though he seemed so void of emotion to people. If only they could see the depth to which he felt like she did.
Her threat came back into his mind, and he asked, "Are you planning to stay on the Enterprise?"
Eyes rolled at the concept of staying on such a boring ship; boring for her specific needs. "No."
"Is there anything you could think of doing?"
"As is typical with my life, I am lost again." Moving away from her self-pity, Felicity began to replay the events of late in her head trying to pick apart each instance she and Spock shared to get a better understanding of his stance. "Is this all because I didn't agree with you when we were serving for those few days together?"
Her detachment allowed him to feel less of her own hardship and relaxed some of the constriction on his chest. "Not all of it, no. But think about our relationship from a mediating viewpoint. I believe when I first met you, you told me about your life and how you lived through reason, and that love was never enough to derail your plans. That statement clearly does not apply any longer."
"I underestimated love." she said with an earnest that made her so angry. She controlled everything about her own life until she met him. He turned her world upside down and was now walking away. She got it. She knew why, after he explained it so eloquently multiple times. It wasn't completely unexpected, but it was hard to not help falling apart. Felicity tried to shake the thoughts from her head and began thinking about things properly. "I guess I'll go get your things out of my apartment to give back to you."
Unintentionally, he took another step toward her making them even closer. They were standing closer at that very moment than any other time in public, because Spock always deemed the physical proximity to be too intimate for being out in the open. "You can do so at your own leisure."
She shook her head and gritted her teeth. "I need to do it right now. What do you plan on doing with Othello?"
"Taking him with me would prove to be a distraction. Would you like to take him?" Cocking his head to the side, he considered it to be a generous offer for her to have their non-love child.
But Spock giving up Othello so easily pissed her off so much more. "You're not taking him? That's fucking ridiculous."
He was already guilty about leaving the cat, but there would be little time for them to interact while he helped his people. "Would you like him or not, Felicity?"
"I don't want to be the one that has to explain to him why his father never comes to see him. That cat is your responsibility." Her answer was bark at him with venom and an almost childish response about their relationship to the feline.
There was little apprehension to her implied threatening. While on the new colony, many issues at hand would be more time consuming, and his time for little Othello could become nonexistent. Though the cat was his companion when he didn't have too many others, he needed to keep logic at the forefront of his thoughts, of everything he did to help guide him through the second most difficult time in his life. The most difficult was when his mother was killed. "If you do not take him, I will find him a new home."
Felicity seethed at the ease with which he detached himself. "I'll pick him up on my way then." She stuck her nose up at him marginally.
They stood once more with nothing to say. She was furious beyond belief at his cool, aloof demeanor and he was fighting with his own desires and programmed duties.
After a full three minutes and two seconds, he gained full control over his vocal skills and inquired, "Please tell me you can understand my argument this time."
"I can. I do, and I know very well all the issues I have personally, being stubborn and irrational at times, but I figured after putting so much effort into this that you wouldn't just simply walk away. What's your logic got to say about all those years spent on nothing?"
His head drooped away from his shoulders. "I have none."
Felicity rolled her eyes. "Right, and you're criticizing me about my choices."
Continuing to speak on the matter would be to no advantage. He need to part with her and allow himself the confines of solitude to properly and fully regret his actions of leaving her. "I would like to stay in touch with you."
It was scary to consider. Talking to Spock again, and so soon? Absolutely not. How could she? How could he expect her to? "No. Not right now, at least. I need to get over this horrible excuse for a break-up before we speak again on any friend-like terms."
"I hope it will not take too long." he suggested hopefully.
She answered not caring or hearing what he had to say. "Yep."
Perhaps it was because she had not been the first to initiate their separation that she felt so wronged, or was this how people always felt at the end of a relationship. Not an angry or abusive or useless one either, but one in which the two people still really loved each other. It felt like she was about to crumble into a pile on the floor, but she couldn't in front of him. She couldn't show weakness.
And that was exactly why. She couldn't be true to herself around him. He couldn't be true to himself around her. They wanted each other but as different people. She was a closed-up as him. Maybe if they had been able to communicate better, things might have been different.
"I'll miss you." Felicity sniffed.
This time, he actually took a step back. Not to try and leave, to try and gain control of himself or because he didn't want to deal with her pain, but because he was so horrible about what he was causing, increasing the physical distance almost helped. "And I, you."
She opened her mouth ready to say something then shut it again after much consideration.
"You can say whatever you like to me, Felicity. I would prefer you to be honest and properly discuss any issues you may have." he pressed. It wasn't often he needed to encourage her to speak her mind.
Thoughts became more cerebral as the behavior analyzing started to show through. "Why? If we're not going to try and work things out? What would be the point?"
"Because you have such difficulty expressing the truth to me."
For the countless time in their association, she fumed with anger and frustration. "Fine! I'm glad that I won't have a boyfriend anymore who can't handle my emotions or even his own. I'm glad that I don't have to babysit you and spend every waking second in your presence because you don't trust me. I'm glad that I can move on to a man who will be able to kiss me and touch me in public, and I'm glad that I don't have to deal with your convoluted, bullshit logic anymore."
His own dissatisfaction was sparked, and his lip twitched as he asked roughly, "How is my logic convoluted?"
Finally satisfied to get a reaction besides regret or apathy, Felicity folded her arms over her chest again with a sick feeling of triumph. "You twist it to prove whatever point you want to make."
"Give me an example." he commanded chillingly, his hands still gracefully behind his back.
She tried to think of any of the multiple instances he had done so, but in her passionate anger, she couldn't think of one. "I can't think of one right now, and I don't have to do anything you say. I'm not your girlfriend anymore so don't tell me what to do."
Spock could feel the twisted pain and perverse sense of justice in his own heart. He expected much of it came from Felicity, but he still decided to act upon it with a crude comment he would not normally make. "I apologize for not being what you wanted me to be."
"Oh whatever!" She threw her hands in the hair before rubbing her face with both. "I don't want to argue with you. You have been too much a part of my life for so many years, that I don't want to ruin all of that because we can't be together. I've known, in the back of my head this whole time, but I kept thinking it would work out. When we were on the Enterprise, I really realized that I cannot work with you either with all your God damned regulations. Seriously. No one cares that much."
"I care." It was the same tactic she used when he remarked about her always interrupting him. Broad generalizations were usually incorrect.
"But you're not captain now, are you?"
"I don't see how my rank matters when following regulations."
"Your superior doesn't like it. Considering insubordination, you're one to talk. Again, convoluted, double standard logic." She was proud of herself to be able to offer an example. Beautiful, brown eyes narrowed fractionally, and soft, pale lips pursed into a thin line. She desperately wanted to kiss the latter.
"As first officer, it is my duty to inform the captain of potential dangers-"
"I really don't care what you have to say." she said with a chuckle.
He wanted to be mad at the statement. He wanted to say something as hurtful back, but he was so deflated by the slice across his heart, nothing came to mind. "Felicity-"
She overtly cringed, not wanting any more painful remarks to spill from his lips. "Even the sound of your voice is annoying to me now."
"There is no need to be so vulgar and crass."
Shrugging, there was only an off-handed comment. "You told me to be honest."
"I believe I'm making the correct decision here."
Looking at him with all seriousness, she shook her head as if disgusted with herself. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I mean look at me! My best friends are a disgruntled, out of touch Vulcan, a cat, and some girl who tries to make out with you all the time! Branching out would be fantastic, and I really can't believe I've spent so much time depending on your acceptance and time and love."
"I always accepted you." The voice was back to being level and emotionless. This was probably not from a regain of control, Felicity considered. It was more likely from a desensitization to the horrible amount of agony she was causing him.
Regret filled her insides, but it didn't change anything. "Apparently not, because you're breaking up with me."
"You agree it's for the best though." he tried to plead. Somehow the blame was always pointed toward him, and he accepted it, for what reason he was unsure, but still there was the hope she would accept some of the responsibility for their parting.
She didn't. "But you still initiated it."
Vexation flared in him again. "And why am I typically in the wrong throughout most convocations. You will argue your point, when you know it's wrong, just to win. Why?"
"Because that's how I am."
Slowly shaking his head, Spock surveyed her through eyes becoming more and more filled with logic and calculations. "Interesting for you to be able to use such an excuse when I would never be permitted something so illogical."
"You're mister bullshit logic." Again, she tried to lash out but stopped herself from commenting further and making some even more ridiculous remark. "Sorry. I'm gonna go. I'll try and contact you...sometime."
He wanted to let her go; leave and not turn around to say anything more, but his own heart reached out hoping she would reciprocate his friendly feelings. It was almost rude to ask her to be his friend after all that happened, but imagining a world without Felicity Windsor was a frightening idea. "I would prefer you did once deciding what you are going to do, to be sure you are alright."
"If I'm up to it, I will." The thought of contacting Spock on a more professional tone asking about the weather and if his parents were in good health made her want to cut out his heart. Well, not exactly, but it did upset her in the deepest sense, since having an intimate relationship with him was always expected. Not wanting the image of them talking about things of little interest with their hands behind their backs and standing a socially acceptable distance apart, Felicity began to consider his own options of the future to take her mind away from her heartbreak. Who would he be with? It was too unreasonable, especially for such a distinguished individual, to be alone. "I suppose you can return to your Vulcan woman now, if she'll have you back."
"T'Pring died when Vulcan was destroyed." The Vulcan woman's death was a pity. Spock regretted it, but not because he would miss her. Someone surely would, but not him.
Guilt was the first and initial reaction Felicity had. "I didn't think about that."
"Think nothing of it."
Felicity smiled a small, cruel smile and asked, "What do you intend to do for your next Pon Farr then?"
"I will address that in due time. Everything will be alright." His beautiful, gorgeous face became more than she could bare looking at, and so she tried her best to be nonchalant about separating as soon as possible. "Well, I have some job hunting to do."
Bile rose in his mouth as he tried to utter the word, "Goodb-"
But she interrupted him...as usual. "I'm sure I'll see you again in my lifetime, Spock. I doubt this is goodbye, so don't say it." It was a lie to say the least. She would never want to revisit the pain of seeing him again, with another woman or not. She only said it because she didn't want their parting to be so solidified.
"Felicity..." There wasn't anything in any of the tongues of Earth that could properly express the regret he felt inside. He had no idea of what to say and considered himself to be horrible for causing her so much pain. "I'm sorry."
She shrugged with a lack of any better course of action. "It's not your fault. I cannot give you what you want."
"I know you are saying that to compromise the emotions you are feeling at hand."
"I'm the one who explains behaviors, not you." She would have been amused. There would have been a small smile touching her lips if the circumstances had been different, but she was slowly falling apart, and it was only a statement of fact rather than a teasing and loving remark.
"But you know full well the fault lies with neither of us. We are simply..." Spock tried to search for the right word while trying to make sense of the mess. "...incompatible."
"It's our failure to communicate." she said shaking her head with a large amount of chagrin. Another few long moments passed with neither speaking, when she finally decided to end the torture and try to segment the part of her life so closely associated to him from her future alone. "See you around." It was said with more bravado than was really felt, but sounded good and detached. What good would it do for him to see her break down in tears now anyway?
She wanted to kiss him, desperately. So desperately, but it wouldn't happen. She no longer had the rights to do so, or even touch him for that matter.
And so, she stepped away from him tentatively at first and saw the barely visible reflex for him to reach out, as if to try and stop her from going. They stood there together for the better half of two minutes simply staring into each other's eyes; neither had any answers to give.
Should he not feel relieved? His emotions would now be able to be cemented behind his imposing logic, and he would no longer have to worry about the well being of another, especially when more important matters were at hand with his species. Should it be this hard? He was separating himself from her. Nothing more. He would no longer communicate with her on a regular basis or engage in any sexual activity. It should have been no trouble for him at all. Rejecting Nyota and her wishes proved an infinitely easy task, and indeed, he was relieved to no longer have the pressing of her own issues weighing him down. The truth of the matter was that he, at that very moment, hated his logic more than anything in the universe and wanted nothing more than to take the few steps to her and embrace her in the fiercest hug possible and never let go.
His heart was shattering, and he was powerless to stop it. Again his logic served no solution for how he was to handle a situation. On the contrary, it was his logic that placed him in the horrid predicament of hurting the woman who invested so much time in him and his desires. How could he not be classified as an abominable Vulcan...being?
Looking into her eyes proved to be too difficult, and so he turned his head away and stared at a shuttle located deeper in the hangar. There wasn't much interest in the vehicle, but it did serve as a buffer from the pain to evident on his former female's face.
She could no longer stand there staring at him and his pathetic rejection. Once Spock averted his eyes, she recognized her cue to leave, and while her heart was being torn into tiny shreds scraping against her chest, she pressed on with dignity and her English stiff upper lip.
Felicity turned her back on her best friend and lover for the last time. She would never be able to speak to him again, and it was doubtful that they would ever see each other. Looking back on five years, unable to get them back, and thinking about all the words they exchanged between themselves, especially in the heat of an argument would be her prevention for contact. It tore her in half, but what's done was done, and for the first time in a long time, Felicity was a single woman again. And it felt terrible.
Spock watched the older version of himself keenly. There were so many similarities. The height, the long face and large nose, the soft eyes, even their stances mirrored each other. The one difference detected was his young voice was still a couple octaves higher and had not dropped to become the more resonant voice of the older man.
The thought process was different though too. The older Spock was trying to sway his young counterpart to make the decision to stay with human-driven prospect of Starfleet. Logic was lacking in the argument, and the uniform-garbed Vulcan was dumbfounded as he, himself promoted the use of emotions; a bane of his existence.
"Put aside logic. Do what feels right." The older man turned to leave but stopped short. "Who was she?"
"To whom are you referring?" the higher voice asked quietly confused.
The grey-haired Vulcan nodded to where Spock had been standing with Felicity during their last and heart wrenching conversation. "The woman you were recently speaking with."
It took some time to collect his thoughts. Her absence was sorely felt and almost caused a tangible pain in his chest and around his back. "Her name is Felicity." he finally said with a light sigh.
A familiar, pointed brow lifted from interest. "You are close with her?"
Pieces of Spock's green heart began to shatter even more into dust. "Not any longer."
Taking a few steps closer, the older Spock's curiosity bloomed from the odd turn in their conversation. "May I inquire as to the nature of your relationship with her?"
"I loved her." said the younger Vulcan clearly and bluntly.
Never once had the older man proclaimed or even considered his younger self to be able to proclaim such a blunt, emotional statement. The young man certainly had many different experiences to allow this sort of behavior. "And you let her go?"
"Our destinies were not intertwined." was the best excuse he could create. It wasn't an excuse necessarily; actually more close to the truth than he wanted to accept, but reliving the whole altercation and every reason why they didn't belong was not a desired course of action.
"If you feel that is the truth, then it is acceptable, but allow me to please request again, when making further decisions in your life to listen to your heart and not only your logic."
Tired of being told what to do and how to feel by almost all those he met, Spock was perturbed that "he" could not accept his own reasoning. "I would expect you to understand my reasoning."
"There are many things in my life I wish I could have changed; the constant ignorance of my emotions being one of them. If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them."
Spock considered the man's words deeply. No other Vulcans ever urged him to embrace his emotions. But then again, his older, different dimension self couldn't really count. However, if that is what he would learn with age, it was difficult to contest. Thinking back on the few words they exchanged, their conversation didn't seem to connect. Why was the old man seemingly uninformed about his own past? A keen sense of realization dawned on him. "You did not know her."
"I never knew a Felicity." The younger man almost scoffed at the remark. The older Spock assumed it was because the boy was unable to understand how his own life was so very different from...well, his own life. Lifting an eyebrow at the adolescent, he said with consideration, "Apparently something else was changed by Nero's presence."
The younger man could not fathom how such a significant aspect of his life was absent from his life in another universe. He began to wonder if everything was different. "Did you know a Nyota Uhura?"
"I did." Memories began to flood the quick, older mind; memories he had not thought of in some time. Being an ambassador and concerning himself with so many other important affairs prevented him from digressing about his long-time companions.
This further sparked his curiosity. If there was no Felicity Windsor, then perhaps he and Nyota did, for all intensive purposes, work. "What was the status of your relationship with her?"
A gentle look graced the older Spock's face at the remembrance of Lt. Uhura. Sometimes he missed seeing all of his old friends and regretted his longevity. "Colleagues and friends."
Brows knit together almost into one, straight line. It was amazing how different lives could be just from the presence of one person and one altercation. Spock's jaw practically hung open as he asked, "Nothing more?"
The older man shook his head. "I married late in life."
The concept of a life without Felicity was still a hard concept to accept. "And you never had any association with a Felicity Windsor?"
"She was truly significant to you."
"Save for a few instances in which we did not agree, Felicity and I were together for the better half of five years."
"That is significant." The older Spock found it fascinating that he would never even consider a romantic attachment when he was younger and career-driven, but the same exact person indulged five years in a relationship which didn't last.
A forlorn look crossed over the young mans face, and his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. It had be a significant relationship, and he would certainly miss her with all his green heart. Spock nodded at his replica in agreement and said the only thing that came to mind to convey how deeply Felicity meant to him. "We had a cat together."
As his older self impishly gave him their Vulcan salute, Spock knew he was no longer going to resign his commission. Though logic had nothing to dictate for an instance of meeting an alternate self, he felt that staying with Starfleet would be the best decision. It was more an indulgence than almost anyone ever received, but to have his future urging his path a certain way, how could he not take heed? The specifics were uncertain, but he knew in his heart he had to stay on a ship and concentrate on his duty.
As Spock began to leave, he couldn't help but doubt his decision regarding Felicity. Going back and asking her for forgiveness would certainly earn him a slap in the face. Not that he didn't deserve one. No. He couldn't be tempted by the prospect of contacting her. She made it clear she wouldn't want to talk for some time, and trying to reattain a corroboration would be futile.
Their differences would always remain.
A/N: I had Spock break up with Felicity rather than it being the other way around, because it was to reverse how they both felt when the story was started. She chose a vocation logically, while he chose Starfleet because of an emotional urge. It shows how throughout he taught her to be more whimsical while she taught him to see things with intelligence rather than only logic. It's not what one would expect, but looking back, Felicity truly did teach him sagacity while he taught her how to love.
And so, she in the end chose would have chosen to stay with him for love, and he ended it because he understood the illogic of their relationship.
ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO!!!
