Chpt. 28
It was 0645 and Carlos and I sat in his SUV, staring at Mat's apartment building. Well, I sat there staring. Carlos was watching me while remaining crazy aware of our surroundings. It probably a good thing for me since I was so distracted.
"You know you have to get out of the car to go talk to him," he told me while glancing in the rearview mirror.
"Yeah, 'bout that…I think this might be a really bad idea. Why don't we go get breakfast and head back home?" I asked. Carlos just looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I sighed. I was being a complete chicken. We both knew it. At least he didn't verbally call me on it. We sat in silence for another fifteen minutes before he lost his patience.
"Alright. Get out of the car," Carlos ordered while exiting the car. He walked around and opened my door, gently pulling me out. Nudging me he said, "Walk."
"Um, what are you doing?" My voice was tentative.
"Making you face one of your demons. Now walk and show me where his apartment is so I can pick the lock." I still sucked at picking locks. I hadn't improved at all since I was in Spain.
"Seriously? Breaking and entering is not going to help this conversation!"
"Neither is sitting in my car, staring at his apartment building, wishing for rainbows with pots of gold and leprechauns at the end of them." He continued to walk, practically dragging me into the building. I sighed. There was really nothing I could say to that. Wishing that Mat wanted to keep dating me was like wishing for rainbows with pots of gold and leprechauns. The proverbial writing was on the wall.
"Fine," I mumbled, finally walking of my volition. "He's in 3E." When we got to Mat's apartment I just stood and stared even after Carlos finished picking their locks.
"You need to go in there. The sooner you go in, the sooner this is over, the sooner you can move on," he told me.
"But I don't want to move on," I sighed.
"Babe."
"Where will you be?" I leaned against the wall, looking down at the carpet.
"I'm going to remain in the hall. I keep watch by looking out the windows on both ends of the hallway." I mentally rolled my eyes at him, but knew it was pointless to state that nothing was going to happen here, especially at 0700. College students, who of course didn't believe in willingly getting up before noon, primarily inhabited these apartment buildings.
Steeling myself, I quietly opened the door and poked my head inside the apartment. Absolute silence greeted me. Taking a deep breath I closed the door quietly and then headed towards Mat's room. I wanted to turn around and run far away, but I knew Carlos wouldn't let me. It was now or never. Opening the bedroom door I looked around. It was an absolute disaster, which was strange considering Mat was always a neat freak. I studied his face in the morning light. Even sleeping he looked exhausted with dark circles under his eyes marring his handsome face. Sighing, I pulled out his desk chair and sat down a couple feet away from the bed. I leaned over and shook him gently.
"Mat, wake up." He stirred, but didn't open his eyes. I sighed again. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I shook him harder.
"Seriously Mat, wake up," I said louder. His eyes opened and he looked at me, smiling at first.
"Mmmm, this is a good dream. I miss you so much, Steph," he mumbled as he turned his head into the pillow.
What the hell? He missed me? Then why was he ignoring me?
"This isn't a dream," I said, this time nudging his shoulder with my foot. "Can you just get up? Please."
His eyes opened again. He looked a lot more coherent and shocked to see me. He muttered, "Shit."
"Really? That's the only thing you have to say to me? 'Shit.' Thanks so much for that lovely greeting."
"What are you doing here, Steph?" he finally asked, sitting up.
"Well, last I knew we were still dating even though you yelled at me on the phone. You said you'd talk to me after you cooled down, but you never called. You didn't answer the phone when I called, nor did you even respond to my emails. So I think the real question isn't 'why am I here?'. No, it's: Why aren't you talking to me? If you want to break up with me, sack up." This conversation wasn't starting out well, not that I thought it would. A girl could wish though.
Mat sighed and looked at me with sad eyes. "It's not that I want to break up with you. You just won't want to be with me anymore after we talk."
"Huh? What are you talking about?"
"I fucked up Steph." He wouldn't make eye contact with me. Instead he rested his elbows on his knees and stared at his carpet.
My stomach plummeted. My voice was tremulous. "We can work through anything…right?"
"Probably not."
"Mat, just tell me. Please. We can figure this out." My voice was pleading, but I worried that we couldn't fix whatever our problem was. Mat still stared at the floor. The lack of eye contact was killing me.
"After our fight I went to a party that night and got really wasted. I was really upset with you and I just didn't want to think or feel anymore. I barely remember the night, but I remember the morning all too well. I woke up in bed with another girl…."
I didn't want to believe what he was saying. "That doesn't mean you had sex though. You could've just slept together." I was grasping at straws.
"I'm pretty sure I had sex with her…." And with those eight little words, I went into shock.
"I, uh…I was avoiding you because I didn't want to lie to you, nor did I want tell you. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to hate me. I know I fucked up, Steph, and I'm so, so sorry." He finally made eye contact when he apologized. I just stared at him. "If I could take everything back…if I could go back to that night, I'd do everything differently. I swear."
"That makes two of us…." I was beginning to get over my shock. I realized I needed to get out of his apartment before I let my beginning-to-surface anger get the best of me. "I gotta get out of here."
As I was walking out of his room, Mat called out, "I'm sorry, Steph. I love you." With that I broke. Turning on my heel, I glared at him.
"You love me? Really! Love means you are there for a person when they need you. Love doesn't mean you go get wasted and fuck some random girl after a fight! I hate you! I hate you!" I screamed, causing Carlos to come running into the apartment. He gave Mat a withering glare and wrapped an arm around me.
"It's time to go, Babe," he murmured into the top of my hair. He guided me out of the building and to his SUV. At some point in the short walk to his I started sobbing. Carlos helped me into his car, buckled my seat belt, and closed the door. I curled into a ball and cried until I fell asleep.
September 29, 2000
Songs of the day: "Til I Hear It From You" and "Found Out About You" by the Gin Blossoms
So we're over. It didn't go down like I thought it would. I thought Mat would say I changed too much. Or maybe he was angry and jealous that I could talk to Les and Carlos and not him – that his jealousy got the best of him. I didn't see it coming.
He got drunk and cheated on me.
I can't believe it. I didn't think he would do something like that. He always believed in honesty and being respectful of loved ones. I guess I was wrong considering it's not respectful to cheat on the one you love. Loved. I guess maybe it is in the past tense for him? I wish I didn't love him still. I hate him, but I still love him. How can you love someone who betrays you like that?
Does anyone love me? Does anyone respect me? Mateo betrayed my trust and love. Uncle Charlie…he threw me under the bus. Make that a frigging Sherman tank.
At least Carlos and Les love me. Not romantically or anything, but still, I think they love me. It's better than nothing. Plus, I don't think they'll betray me. Of course, I didn't think Mat or Uncle Charlie would either.
God, my life sucks. I just want to go to sleep, wake up, and find out it was just a nightmare. I guess that's like wishing for rainbows….
