One of Us – Chapter 28 – Reciprocity
After Kate had bared her soul to Rick earlier, after some interruptions, Rick finally has an opportunity to reciprocate.
Disclaimer – even in my wildest dreams I don't own Castle or any of the characters. If I did, you'd see way more than primetime TV allows!
All the other legal stuff applies too.
"Kate"
What if she runs? She says she's all in. That she's not running. I believe her. I trust her. But she doesn't know yet. When I tell her will she run? I think anyone else would run at the merest hint. I've never been willing or able to tell anyone else. But if I share this, my Shames, what will she do?
She's strong, I've never doubted that. But she has her own burdens to carry and that has almost broken her. We share that and it makes it bearable. She doesn't deserve to carry more. She doesn't deserve my sins too.
"Rick?" He doesn't know how long he has been lost inside but her voice calls him back. Home. She sounds like Home, and this decides him.
"People look at me and they see many things, often what they want or imagine, or the false persona of the playboy author. They don't try to look any deeper, don't expect anything more. For a lot of my life that was fine. But they don't see the real me. Who I am. What I treasure. What I Dream of. I don't show that part of me, or share with many people. Mother and Alexis of course. A few people know parts, some friends a bit more. A handful quite a bit more. But no one else has ever had or I felt deserved all of me until now. Until you."
"For a long time, it has never my intention to be anything less than totally honest with you. Since we've been together I've tried to be. It's not easy for me, and hell we still have communications issues sometimes. I've shared more with you than with anyone else except Mother and Alexis and much of their knowledge is because it is first hand by being there. I would love for us to build a lifetime of memories that way. Together.
"We've had serious discussions about our future. Us. You make me happier than I have been in years. You have been such a positive influence on me. You have changed me, improved me, and in most importantly helped me redeem some of my faults. It hasn't been without its moments and issues, and in some cases severe trauma. But I can't regret that it has bought us to now. Here – well not the ICU. That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, in fact I'd be happy to never see the inside on an ICU again if at all possible. But together, our lives intertwined and a shared future.
"But there are moments of my life of which I am not proud. Dark chapters, character defects, decisions and actions that have hurt others. Often through the inexperience and naivety of youth, pettiness, or stupidity but some, a few, through more or rather far less noble traits. For a handful of those times there have been consequences so dark that it still sears my soul to contemplate them. I wish to God I could claim them as accidental mistakes but they weren't. And that shames me. I used to worry that it could break me, but it's far worse because it could harm those close to me. Those I love.
"I have never been in a relationship where I could feel I could trust another person with all of me. Until now.
"But I have ask if you would be willing to listen. To hear my confession and know all of me. Share my weaknesses and darkness. Know my Shames. I'm sorry if this is a surprise or worse for you. If you now feel that I have hidden things from you, I apologise, but I swear I have been moving towards telling you. But even tonight I can't, won't, be able to tell you everything. There is not enough time nor do I have the strength and courage to do so. But I feel I must reciprocate, and return your honesty. It deserves as much, not least because I know it took so much for you to say those words. How difficult it must have been when you much prefer to have your actions speak for you.
"Kate, are you ready? Will you listen to me?" His question floats between them for only the briefest moment, before she responds in a clear voice.
"Rick, you can tell me anything. You should know by now that it won't make me feel or think differently about you."
"Thank you. I believe you. I can't but help apprehensive about some of things I am about to reveal. Afraid they could hurt us, especially now I know where were are going. I trust you totally and know you are committed. But in the beginning and for a lot of those first few years, hell until six months ago I thought I knew and definitely feared the opposite."
He slips his hand from hers for a moment, bring it to his face, and rubbing his palm across his forehead.
"I haven't prepared this, so I may jump around a bit, possibly even repeat myself a bit."
He places his hand back down and Kate takes it again, gently threading their fingers together as she nods in understanding and anticipation.
"I've been angry for so much of my life. I can't tell you for sure when it began - around my mid teenage years - or what really triggered it. A cumulative series of events and circumstances I think. But for many years I really struggled with it. I tried to hide it, often by acting the fool or at least the lightweight. You'd be amazed how many people dismiss the class clown or playboy author without a second thought. The serious, brooding guy at the back of the class, or ensconced in his room or office, writing about death, murder in detail. That guy they suspected, mocked, bullied, and shunned.
"Only when I met Kyra did I begin to feel I could face the issues and try and master it. Have someone to share with." Kate nods, and begins to perhaps have a hint of understanding about the importance of the woman to Rick.
"As I got older, I have learnt to control the extreme emotions, and redirect them. Channel towards something else. Something positive, or at least I tried to. But it hasn't always been the successful, even now. As I got older, I got better at projecting a persona to protect myself and others. And it worked mostly except for those times rare times of rage when the emotions behind the anger were so overwhelming I couldn't or didn't want to.
"I was so very angry after you sent me away from the hospital eighteen months ago saying you would call but you didn't. Like the worst moments in my life, it wasn't a fast rage, it was cumulative, leeching through me and subsuming my very thoughts and control. Makes so much harder to come back from. To control your thoughts and make good decisions.
"I wasn't just angry at you. But I was, angry at you, and it took a long time to work through it. You never called. You said you would and you lied."
His eyes are no longer blue, they are almost lost in black, slating the emotions he still bears. She doesn't pull from his gaze. She deserves this, to see, feel, burn from the residual anger of her own failures. The truth of his words stings, she's so frustrating self-centred and weak but her disappointment in herself is countered by the knowledge that despite her failings, and his very natural reaction to them, somehow they are here. She knows that it is entirely due to this beautiful man. His forgiveness, his patience, and most importantly his love that more than anything has made this possible.
"I was angry at Josh, for not being worthy of you. For not being there for you. For being with you. God I had been angry and jealous about that long before you were shot. I would have been there for you every time. In every way, anyway. However you needed me."
She doesn't wipe the tears pooling in her eyes. She mouths the words silently 'You were Rick. You were there. Always'. He answers with his own tears which are left unchecked as he continues.
"Angry at the shooter, and the Dragon behind him. Angry that you never deserved any moment of the pain that the chain of tragedy from your mother's murder has inflicted on you.
"Angry at myself. For lots of reasons.
"I had a significant part in the events leading up to you almost dying and leaving you injured and alone. To this day I struggle to forgive myself for that. To rationalize how such a self-centred egotistical arsehole could deserve you. I reopened you mother's case. I pushed. I will always carry guilt for that. It started that chain that hurt the people you and I care for the most. Montgomery died because of it. He was far braver than I. He made his stand. You were shot yet here I am still alive."
She shake her head vigorously but doesn't speak. She hopes her eyes and face carry enough conviction to tell Castle his is wrong.
"Anger at my cowardice for not declaring my love sooner, for waiting until you were dying in front of me. Angry for all those missed opportunities. Even after you came back and we were getting closer, there were all those near misses and miscommunications. Each one gave me hope that we could be more but at the same time each failure to move forward reinforced my fears that we never would.
"After the shooting and not hearing from you I went to a very dark place. A place I had been to before but had managed to avoid for many years, since Alexis was young around five years old. I owe you father, the Boys, Lanie, Alexis and my mother a lifelong debt for helping me find my way back from that.
"I have been a coward when it comes to you for longer that I wish I could remember. That second year, when Demming turned up, he asked me indirectly whether we were together and if I would object to him asking you out. To my permanent shame, I was a coward, and I told him there was 'no flag on the play' and green-lighted his asking you out. To this day, I regret it. I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth. Not only because I wanted to the one to ask you out – which I did so much - but because it was never my place. I never had the right to speak on your behalf. Especially when we were not together.
"Which leads to on to why I left that summer. I was too much of a coward then to see you be happy with someone else. I know now that I misread the situation, but then I do that often when my anger clouds my judgement and sensibility. Gina didn't stay with me long that summer. She couldn't deal with me if I wasn't the Playboy of the Western World. Hell that was no surprise, it was why we got divorced. That we lasted so far beyond my return to the Precinct in the third year – possibly ruining another chance for us to be together – was entirely down to my cowardice. I wouldn't confront my own feelings regarding her or you. I was afraid that if I told Gina to go, that you would reject me and I would be alone. I was so tired and afraid of being alone."
"But at least I did get to come back to work with you, although the beginning wasn't so auspicious. Back it an interrogation room, arrested as a murder suspect. Strangely enough in hindsight I think it was an important moment, like a reboot of us. I felt we became friends, best friends over that third year. Even though you were with Josh, I began to see the possibilities, began to hope. But I was still the coward about us so many more times. Others could see what we had, they could feel it, speak about it. But I couldn't. You couldn't. Or at least never together at the same time. I'm a writer and with you my words fail me so many times. Even near death we couldn't.
"I was angry after I overheard you in interrogation during the bombing case. I thought you didn't return the adoration of my heart. I believed that it was unrequited. My anger encouraged my paranoia and I jumped to the worst possible conclusion. But I was also coward. I ran from you. Hid. Put my shield up. Hid in the shadow of the false construct of the playboy. Instead of having the courage. I should confronted you. Confessed my love again. Instead I did stupid again – I'm good at stupid as I think you've noticed. God shadowing Slaughter was a bad fucking mistake on so many levels. It forced you to risk you job for me. I never meant that. Then somehow we started to find enough words to overcome the communications issues and I began to really hope about our future. When you accepted my invite to watch John Woo, I was so excited. It felt like a date to me. Or the expectation before a date at least. And then it go so fucked up.
"I was so angry again when you rejected me and choose your mother's case of me for the final time. It certainly felt like the final time to me. Ending us before we had really begun was the hardest thing I have ever done. I never expected to see you alive again. When you came to the Loft that night, I was initially determined to shut the door on you. Shut you out of my life. I couldn't deal with that level of heartbreak again. My demons were writhing so close to the surface. Mother had been so concerned prior to that day, that she had already started to make arrangements for me to go away to get help again."
He can see her eyes go wide at the understanding of his words and implications.
"Yes, I said again. Kate, you're not the only one who has been in therapy. In fact it's probably fair to say I beat you through that door too. Many times."
His voice has moderated in his last few sentences, and there is no trace of bitterness or loathing for her or himself. Kate doesn't know what to say this latest revelation. She was still amazed that he could still love her despite all her failings and how badly she had hurt him.
"Kate. Please remember that I love you. I still did through all that anger, I guess that is what made it so visceral. Hurt so much. I think it is time for me to explain some about the background before we met, and this isn't stuff you can find on the web. The unwritten history of Richard Rodgers so to speak. Some key moments that shaped my life before I met you."
She squeezes his hand, but doesn't say anything. She doesn't want to interrupt him, but there is also the impact of his previous words. The intensity of the emotions has left her physically shaken.
"As the child of an actress and single parent to boot, I had an unconventional upbringing, but I wasn't unhappy. Quite the opposite in fact. I was a happy child with an extreme curiosity about all things. Mother says I could often get quite serious when I wanted to know something, and right from an early age would often attempt to charm the answers out people.
"We were constantly surrounded by people who used words in the most magical way, and some who did more, who created the stories and wove the words into tales and wonder. Like all children I was curious. I guess you can attribute my love of language and wordplay to that early exposure. We moved a lot, wherever the work was, and I never really settled into school. I got a lot of my early education from mother's friends and colleagues or the local libraries – best free child-minder my mother called them. I don't always remember too much about the early years, not the detail anyway. But I remember books, backstages and observing at parties from my bedroom or wherever I was sleeping.
"Then when I was nine, mother was invited to participate in this summer festival down at a small Gulf town. The money wasn't great and the guest artistes stayed with locals. We lodged with the local Sheriff and his family on their farm. They had one child near my age. The others were much younger – around four years old I think. Her name was Rebecca Annalise Johansson, she was eleven, and I idolised her. She was so graceful where I was already clumsy and uncoordinated, popular, smart, so beautiful. But most importantly she became my friend. She talked to me, took me places, showed me things. We shared secrets. She encouraged me to write, to try things, to look at the world, see not only the obvious but to observe the smallest things, to seek the story behind what I saw. When the summer was over, I was so much more than sad. It was like I had lost a part of me. She had become the sister, the missing sibling I never had.
"That year our mothers' encouraged us to write to each other and we stayed in touch as best we could. Often I would have to write the first letter to reconnect each time we moved and changed address. I didn't know or appreciate at the time but mother arranged to go back to the same summer festival the following year despite having a better offer. It is often the case that you never realise the sacrifices you parents make for their children. I'm sure I've never thanked my mother enough for the wonder and magic of my early years.
"The second summer was better than the first. This middle summer was full of joy. Apart from when necessary I don't think we were apart for five weeks. Sometimes if I close my eyes, I can almost feel her hand in mine, her palm pressed against mine, our fingers interlocked. Hear her voice and her laughter. Sometimes her dad, the Sheriff, took us out in his patrol car. It was then I saw my first dead body. Only from a distance. Car accident not murder. But I was curious boy and everyone had always encouraged me to ask questions. He indulged me. Rebecca thought it was funny but she was my best friend and she indulged me too. Saying goodbye was worse that year but we wrote so much. We started chain stories. She would set the outline and I would fill in the detail and she would critique, challenge, cajole and encourage me. I guess you could call her my first muse.
"We went back the next year too. The last time. I was twelve and Rebecca was still two years older than me, but so much more beautiful with her body changing. I was only vaguely aware of that as she had always been so beautiful to me, and I never thought of her in that way. She was my sister. We took right up where we left off from the previous year and the five weeks of the festival flew by. But then mother got an offer to take the play on tour for four weeks. Rather than pull me away, she arranged with Rebecca's mother, Aleska, for me to remain behind and stay with the Johansson's. Two weeks into the month, Rebecca had to go to music camp for a week. It was the last time I saw her. We didn't even say goodbye properly as she would be back for my last week. Whilst she was away her dad took me out on patrol with him a lot. I got to see my first murder victim. It resonated with me and for some reason, I began to write a very dark murder tale.
"Then Rebecca disappeared from the music camp just before she was due to come home. They found her body in an estuary a few days later. Her death was never explained. Forensics weren't the science they are now.
"I know it must seem obvious but those events during that time changed me. It was until recently the worst summer of my life. I never got to say goodbye. To tell her how much she meant to me. Mother wasn't back yet and I stood with her family at the funeral. I grieved like one of them too. I retreated into myself, into the dark story I was writing. I didn't know how to cope. Her family were shattered and there was no one for me to turn to. I tried writing my thoughts down. But they were so dark, so angry. I burnt them.
"But bad as things had been I thought I would get better once I was back with my Mom. I was right and wrong. She always had a way to comfort me and she did. But something was different too. She had met the financial backers for her travelling play. She was with one of them. This man – Philip Davenport – was a widower with two young children. She did her best to comfort me, but she was distracted by her new suitor and the kids. They stayed at the local hotel. I spent the last few days with the Johansson's. We were all shattered but her mother was unmade by it. Aleska never really recovered. She died two years later, and the Sheriff moved away and remarried. That was the last we heard of them. I never found out what happened to Rebecca's brother and sister."
He pauses, whether to taper down the emotions, organise this thoughts or simply hear the silence, she doesn't know.
"Eventually we headed back to New York. Mother had a role in a Broadway play. It was also home to the Davenport family.
"It was then I was sent away to boarding school. I wasn't told why. Not properly. I thought it was because my mother was making happy families with this new man, his kids. Without me. Paid for by her boyfriend's mother. Oh I didn't like her and she didn't like me. The withdrawn, surly teenager with dark thoughts.
"Mother's relationship with Philip ran almost three years, and got as far as engagement. But it didn't last, they never did. However, for some reason my schools fees were paid through until the end of high-school. It has never been explained why. Mother has never said, I have never asked. Ironically I liked him the most of all my mother's boyfriends growing up. He treated me well and with respect when I was with them.
I hated boarding school, I was so lonely. I was also so vulnerable because of the events of that summer. Without a parent, or someone I could trust, to talk to, I channelled my emotions the wrong way. Initially I became introspective, withdrawn, but I quickly discovered that in an environment like that it only drew attention to you. Teenage boys are so cruel. So I figured out that being the opposite, the class clown, would at least deflect attention from anyone trying to get anything deeper from me. But in moments, I became the angry young man. Started more than a few fights, may have even won a handful. I didn't care, it was the release I sought not the transient illusion of victory. Needless to say I got kicked out of my first boarding school, and then a second where I was encouraged not to return. Finally a third. It was made clear to me that the next time was the last opportunity.
"When I was fourteen I was transferred to Edgewyck Academy. By the time I arrived I was well versed in the art of subterfuge and false personas. It had become second nature. I was struggling academically as well. Mother despaired of me and for me. She took me out of school one weekend and away – just the two of us. She begged me to make one last effort. She played her trump card. What would Rebecca want me to do? God I cried for the whole weekend, but by the time I returned to classes, I had a purpose.
"It was there I encountered Damian Westlake and with his encouragement my writing began to flourish. But I did have a lot of learning and work to do. I learnt there were no short cuts. My so-called first 'break' at school was false. A lie. Fraudulent. A term paper written by someone else to get my grades up on a failing class. It got published in the school magazine which Damian edited. The author wasn't willing to do another and all of a sudden I found the weight of expectation on me to equal or surpass my first piece. Somehow I did it. I was almost caught out because the writing styles were so different. I always suspected that Damian knew but didn't say anything. It was the last time I faked anything written. I could happily project a false persona but my words had to be real, to be my truth. I was often still solitary. But I wasn't as lonely. I had a few friends, Damian foremost in that group. Also I had my ideas and my writing. To this day, I often work through issues and excise and de-stress by writing.
"It was because of my experiences at boarding school and long absences from my mother, that I vowed when Alexis was born that I would never be an absent parent. Never send my kid away. I've done my best to meet that promise over the years for Alexis. Of course I never dreamed I would be doing it as a single parent.
"I would be so lucky and blessed to be able to do it for our children. But together with a life partner." She's watching him intently, and notices as the light in his eyes flashes. She'll believe that like her he has been imagining their children.
"Somehow I got through school with good enough grades to go to University. I knew I wanted to be a writer. I did need money for university and in a moment of madness, I signed up to the ROTC as they were providing scholarships and you could earn money during the holidays too.
I have to admit I did like the guns and blowing shit up bit, but the whole officer and a gentleman ethos didn't sit well with me. In the end, the Army and I reached a mutual understanding and parted ways after two semesters. I think we both got the best end of that deal. It was there I first learnt to handle guns and did some shooting. It was also there that I met another student who became one of my first trusted friends. Unlike me, Tim Matthews was born to be a soldier. After graduating her joined the regulars and eventually served in the Rangers and did some black ops stuff before he retired. He partnered up with another mutual friend to found Taylor Matthews, the private security and risk management firm.
"So there you have it. Rick Castle was in uniform ahead of you Beckett! In fact there should be a few pictures at home somewhere. I have to say I was quite dashing. Even ruggedly so. Mother came to a couple of parades. I think it was to see me, but of course she liked men in uniform and did go on a date with my Commanding Officer!" He's grinning at her, and she can almost see the humor dancing in his eyes.
"Late in my first year at college, I was at a party, hiding in the corner when this woman joined me. I think we discussed a number of topics intensely – she claimed argued and was probably right – for hours. This was Kyra. She was the best thing to happen to me since I was twelve.
"Kyra – this was my first real relationship. An adult relationship where sex was not the primary purpose. I thought for a time that it might be the one. We weren't without our challenges given we were students. Her parents disliked me – well her mother detested me to be more accurate – and reduced the allowance they gave Kyra. But this brought us closer, we struggled together but had a great time. I wrote my first successful novel, got some money, and started on others. I had so many ideas. So many dreams.
"Probably because of this, I began to dream of a lifetime together and I told her as much. She didn't run straight away. But then shortly after Kyra asked for space and time and I was lost. I had no experience of dealing with this. We were together three years and all of a sudden she was gone. I was willing to go all in with her. A lifetime.
"Just like that my demons were coming back. Being with her had changed me. Good things mostly, but I was not able to deal with the loss. I need company, loneliness is major phobia of mine. She going eventually felt like betrayal and I got angry. For a while I was in a dark place. Alcohol, drugs – my only time for with something harder than marijuana, fortunately I didn't like it. The casual sex came later surprisingly enough.
"After the break up, some friends - well acquaintances and hangers on is more accurate - from university & I headed to Florida. I guess they thought a diet of drink, drugs and girls would be just the tonic. They hired a big motor yacht and we partied up there. Took a few day trips for fishing but I just sunk lower. Too much alone time with my memories. One night, I tried heroin – fortunately I was too cowardly to inject and after just one toke I was violently ill. Never again after that. But I still got worse, darker, deeper." He doesn't pause for long but there a momentary lapse in his words as he takes a deep breath and re-engages with her eyes.
"But I didn't show it. I guess you could say that this was the first time I began to project my party-animal, womanizing, playboy persona. In the past I may have alluded that it was creation of Black Pawn's, perfected by Gina. It isn't. Its mine. My own invention. My shield against closer examination, questions from others. Of course my frat boy companions never thought to look deeper, Accepted it at face value.
"My friends continued dragging me to parties, although by now I was less reluctant. Then one night we got back to the boat and then I decided to take it for a cruise out. Sure we were all young and stupid, but it was my urging, cajoling that swung the decision to head out of harbour that night.
"The worst thing is that I wasn't drunk. I simply didn't care.
"The weather turned bad, and we got into real trouble. Then in the darkness hit a reef, and the boat began sinking.
"Fortunately we were rescued. But two of us got hurt seriously enough to leave permanent injuries. David Swift. He was twenty-two. A chemistry major. Major track runner. Long distance. He fell awkwardly. Twisted his spine. A month after the boat wreck he was sentenced to life in a wheelchair. Three years later he killed himself. That is on me. My fault. My decision, my selfish decision, born of my own anger, and lack of compassion, and empathy did that.
"The other injured person was Thomas Mathers, brother of Steve. He lost his hearing in one ear. Tom died in the North Tower on 9/11. To this day, I don't know if his hearing played in part in him not getting out.
"One of our rescuers was Derek Taylor, a Navy Seal on leave, guest crewing with his brother on the Coast Guard cutter that rescued us. He had some form of sixth sense, and singled me out and on the boat ride back gave me a crash course in dealing with some of my mental health issues which he likened to PTSD. Gave me his number and we began to keep it touch. Still do.
"After Florida, I knew I needed help and it came from my Mother. We had slowly been working our way back together as a small family. She had quite a few successes in that period. TV Soaps, a couple of supporting movie roles and a lot of stage work including Broadway. I was proud of her. Still am.
"My mother recognised the symptoms and got me help. We couldn't afford therapy so she self-helped me. It did work. Got me out of the dark place and temporarily back into her world. It also helped assuage pretty much all the anger I felt towards her through my teenage years.
"It was then that I tried writing for the stage. It was terrible stuff, really bad. A complete failure. If you ever want to read it you'll need to get me drunk or sex me up good. Or both." There is a sparkle in his eye, and Kate holds on to that recognition, that amongst all the revelations she is hearing for the first time, the man she loves is still there. Waiting.
"But perversely it was the best result for me. It motivated me to get back to what I knew I could be good at - writing crime novels. With that desire to work and produce completed books, I began to live again.
"Or at least live how you do when you're a young successful media darling. There was a reasonable amount of casual sex there. And no Beckett you're not getting my number." He gives her a wan grin that doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"But then I met Meredith. She was one of Mother's colleagues in a short run play in LA, and we hit it off right away. She appeared different, at least I thought she was. We didn't even have sex until our fifth date." At Beckett's scowl Rick halts and swallows visibly.
"Oh. Too much non relevant information. Okay, moving swiftly on." Recovery mode Rick, keep sex – well ex-sex info to minimum.
"It was kinda sweet. I don't think it was meant to go anywhere but we were young and didn't care. We'd been together a couple of months and we weren't seeing anyone else – well at least I wasn't and Meredith said she wasn't and at that time I had no reason not to trust her.
"Then she got pregnant. She was going to get an abortion. She hadn't even told me she was pregnant and being young and stupid I didn't know the signs. It was Meredith's mother who called me to berate me for getting her daughter pregnant. So we had our very first serious discussion as couple and had to reach a decision because of the pregnancy. Meredith was just starting out and apart from a handful of TV guest spots hadn't made much impact as an actress. I had money, and although I had never previously thought seriously about having a family and raising kids, I found that it was suddenly something I wanted to do. I think inside of me I instinctively realised that perhaps this was an opportunity to be better than I was. To have in my own small and selfish way, to fight my demons, and perhaps have a legacy I could be proud of.
"It wasn't a romantic proposal. We were naked in bed. She was crying before I asked. I married Meredith because I thought it was the right thing, the best thing to do once we decided to keep the baby. Well when I say keep the baby, I had to basically bribe her to not abort. Had to promise to keep in the lifestyle she was accustomed to until Alexis was old enough to attend college. Those were pretty much her exact words. I never gave them much thought until the divorce when her lawyer quoted them back to me verbatim.
"After Meredith, I was always concerned for Alexis when it came to my relationships. She was always my first and final consideration. I never bought my dates home or introduced them until Gina and only then after I was sure I wanted the relationship to go further. You were different, I trusted you from the beginning, perhaps because you clearly weren't my girlfriend or looking to be – at least in the beginning. But I think it was probably more that you were a challenge and the antithesis of my pretty much everyone else. Plus you didn't want the money or the press attention.
"Protecting Alexis has always been of the utmost importance for a number of reasons. Not least was bond we built. The two of us against the World. We were each other's best friends – well at least until she reached her teenage years, and then suddenly I didn't quite cut it.
"Secondly, having Alexis saved me. Forced me to turn away from the darkness. God I really sound like bad Star Wars dialog." Rick shakes his head and clenches his fist in frustration. Kate gives him a silent smile of encouragement, wry amusement crinkling around her eyes.
"When Alexis was born I felt my universe tilt on its axis. She became its center and everything I did was for her. It forced me to care for someone other than myself. To take better care of myself. I quit smoking, drugs, and cut back on drinking and going out. This helped with my mental health too. Over time, the residual anger I carried faded, and the guilt too was assuaged. I was nurturing new life, hope and joy. I made it my mission to fill her days with fun and happiness and to show her the wonder of life. Mother told me it was my legacy from Rebecca. I would like to believe that. That her gifts could overcome the darkness inside me.
"Being an everyday dad, and having fun quickly became more than an act. I enjoyed it, I thrived on it, so did Alexis and over the years it became a part of me. I don't think I'll ever let it go, but I would love to be able to practise those skills with more kids, and I'm not talking about grandchildren. Alexis is banned from having kids until I'm at least old and distinguished enough!"
"That will be never then, if she has to wait until you're distinguished!" Kate bites, well more of a nip. She gets a fake pout and silent 'ouch' back from her more-than-boyfriend.
"I don't know what I would do without Alexis. It is no joke that she is the more mature one. I didn't force it on her, but somehow she is the level headed one. I love you with all of me, but I can't tell you that you are my first priority. That will always be Alexis. Well Alexis and any children we make together.
"Both Mother and I had children before we were ready. We also found ourselves raising our offspring as single parents. I am hopeful that this is one family tradition Alexis won't follow. I love that she has you to come to for advice, inspiration, friendship. Doctor Parish and Jenny too. You make a pretty great set of cool 'aunts', although I want more than that with you, for you. I know Alexis does too. So often through the years I was desperate for a mother for her. As desperate as Alexis was for a sibling.
"Alexis is everything. If you were to die – for whatever reason, and it is often in my thoughts because of your job and our experiences – Alexis is the only thing that would keep me in this world. If I had to choose, it would be her. I couldn't ever apologize for it. As a father I would do it every time. I'd give my life, everything I owe for her. I hope every day that it never comes to that again."
Kate nods. "Rick, it's one of the reasons I love you so much. You don't have to explain or excuse your love for your daughter. I wouldn't want any other way. I love her too, and I'd do the same in a heartbeat for your family." Rick squeezes her hand and falls silent for a brief moment. His brow furrows deeply and any trace of the entertainer is gone.
"I think you have heard me recount the tale of Alexis going missing in the shopping mall aged five. There is some basis in fact to the tale but Alexis didn't simply go missing. The reality is much worse. She was kidnapped."
Kate gasps at this information. Nothing she has ever read in the press, on fansites, or in police records has any hint of this. Nothing previously from Rick or Martha or Alexis.
"Well it did start at the shopping mall. We were going dress shopping for a party and I was distracted momentarily by a fan, or rather someone acting like a fan. Then when I turned round Alexis was gone. Just her Explorer backpack and a note beside me.
"They asked for money, way more money than I was worth. Later we attributed that was the fault of press article that made me out to be some tycoon rather than a moderately successful author. I was warned not to involve the police. In desperation I turned to two friends - Derek Taylor and Tim Matthews. They were both in still service with the Seals and Rangers. We met up from time to time when their deployments allowed. They had played poker with me the night before. They came immediately and agreed to help. Both were working of Washington DC at the time and had access to intelligence and resources that helped.
"We basically fast talked the mall security into giving us access to the security tapes – made the issue a National Security one. Somehow we lucked out and we managed to get enough information to ID and track one of the kidnappers – the getaway driver. He wouldn't talk. Derek and Tim are both very moral and disciplined. They couldn't break him quickly enough. So I got them to leave me alone in the room with the driver. I came out of that room with enough information to find where they had taken Alexis.
"By the time we got there, they had assembled a small team of seven including myself. We stormed the place. I don't know where they got the stun grenades but somehow we took the three kidnappers down without shooting anyone. Alexis was unharmed. They had drugged her to keep her passive. In a way this was perhaps a saving grace. She was oblivious to almost everything that happened.
"We left and called the police. The kidnappers weren't amateurs but it turned out it was an activity unsanctioned by their mob bosses. They didn't talk to the police and without our illegally obtained evidence they were released. About a week later their bosses cleaned up. The kidnappers simply vanished off the face of the earth, including the one I had questioned in the room. A while after I was visited by a mob representative who apologised. One of the most disconcerting things that ever happened to me.
"Kate, I need to ask you to not investigate this. I know you must be curious but I swear nothing good can come from dredging it up. Especially after all these years. Believe me, I know now about the ramifications of looking into something best left alone."
Kate nods. "Okay, I promise. But if I have questions can I ask you?" Rick nods in confirmation.
"Once we got Alexis home, I got her the best care possible. Fortunately she was young enough to rebound quickly and I don't believe she remembers much or anything. Hopefully, nothing more than a recollection of a scary childhood nightmare.
"I barely let Alexis out of my sight for the next twelve months. Eventually it freaked her out, not to mention her friends and their parents. And I crashed. I had a PTSD relapse. Got more treatment.
"Decided to get my life in order properly. I had visited Thomas Mathers – he was a financial consultant now, and he hooked me up with his brother, Steve, and this wiz-kid Harry. We started investing my book earnings. Before long, I was making more than if I was writing.
"Based on tales told to me by Derek and Tim, I started to develop the Storm character.
"Some time after came Sophia Turner. Yes she was a Muse. Also lover for a short while. But closed off. Hardly surprising as she was CIA. Suited me at the time, I was pretty much the same. I didn't let her meet Alexis. When Sophia deliberately engineered an encounter that was pretty much the final straw. Shows you how poor a judge of women I was, especially when she turns out to be a traitor. My past life almost got you killed Kate. Something else for me to atone for.
"Her mention of my father was the first time in years, I had even thought about the mystery of my entirely absent progenerator.
"I've never known my father. 'Famously Fatherless' as the press say. Mother says she doesn't remember or certainly want reveal any more information. And if you want to know where I first learnt to deflect questions I didn't want to answer, start with her.
"I've learnt to adapt, and all I ever wanted for my children was to offer them a stable home. Of course I failed in that too. I feel I have betrayed Alexis is some way by not providing her with the mother she deserved and needed.
"I tried to fix that absent mother with Gina. But I neglected to actually ensure all the women in my life actually liked each other. Alexis didn't like Gina much and now she particularly dislikes Gina. And well Martha detests Meredith. It's mutual which always makes for entertainment if the two can stay in the same room for any length of time.
"Gina, I thought was an open book. No subterfuge. Probably why I was attracted to her beyond the physical level. She edited and published my books – she's very good at that. She certainly used me a cheque book. I'm forever grateful to Steve and Harry for the pre-nup. Even so, Gina would never have to work again if she choose to.
"Both my marriages were failures. I choose the wrong women. For different reasons. But the wrong reason.
"Worse than that they both cheated. Although to be fair to Gina it was never until we were all but legally over. And she was honest about it. To my face actually. Meredith on the other hand was a serial philanderer. Can you label a woman that?
"After Sophia, to prevent myself and Alexis being hurt anymore, I simply didn't seek a long term relationship. Or even short term ones.
"Then I met you."
Author's Note
This chapter has been beating me down for more than a week – feels like longer. Sorry about that. But I wasn't willing to post it until I was happy with it.
I learnt an important lesson - Don't watch end of season angst arcs whilst trying to write AU storylines. Too much leakage into the story.
Did I mention this story was AU? The good news. No relationship angst. Not happening. Plenty of drama and lighter moments to come.
