Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. It belongs to BBC.
Thanks to you all the followers and to those that have favorited my story and also to those that have left a review, : )
If you like this story, please, leave a review, : )
Chapter 28
Camelot's Palace
Physician's Quarters
"Gaius" Merlin whispered in the sleeping man's mind. The physician opened his eyes, still heavy with sleep, and sat on the bed while rubbing his eyes and replied:
"Merlin? Where are you?"
"In the alcove between your quarters and the armory. I didn't want to wake Alice." The young man answered.
Silently, Gaius left the warm bed and grabbed a robe. It was chilly outside, as it was already the last month of winter and spring would take its time to grant its presence in Camelot.
As fast as his old bones allowed, Gaius reached the alcove shortly after Merlin's contact and glanced around the corridor in order to make sure he wasn't seen by anybody.
A guard was passing by at that moment and approached the old man:
"Gaius, is there something you require to be roaming these corridors at such ungrateful hour?" The man asked in a friendly tone.
"Oh, I just couldn't sleep and I thought that having a walk could tire me enough for bed. Insomnia, one more perk of old age."
The man nodded and asked:
"If you wish I can accompany you."
"Don't mind me, young man, I'll be fine. Certainly I can't bother you in your duty."
"No, it isn't a bother, no way." The guard tried to refute the physician's words, but Gaius said while raising his eyebrow:
"Well, I'm sure that if there was a true danger, you might have to choose between saving me or warning the others, that's something that wouldn't be appreciated."
"Right, duty first. Forgive me, Gaius, for my insistence." The young man apologized and the physician waved a hand, and spoke:
"There's nothing to forgive. You're only being kind to an old man, but there are more important things in the moment."
With a quick farewell, the guard turned the corner and Gaius sighed and entered the alcove after checking one more time if he was seen.
"Merlin, my boy!" The physician whispered when he finally saw the warlock and the two hugged, happy that the long awaited reunion had occurred.
"Gaius!" Merlin exclaimed and the physician tried to shush him, yet the warlock assured him that he had cast a spell around the area to make it soundproof.
After that, Gaius whacked the raven-haired man's head and inquired, raising his characteristic eyebrow:
"What were you thinking? Why did you challenge Morgana to a life and death duel? More important, why weren't you with Arthur and Gwen?"
"Ouch, that hurt. I can explain, Gaius. Kilgharrah told me, in fact shown me, that Morgana would kill Arthur and Gwen if they were to meet. I believed in him, but I was wrong." He answered with a saddened face.
"Oh, Merlin. I'm sorry. I know how much you trusted him." The old man replied, patting the younger's shoulder.
"He lied to me, but he wasn't the only one." Merlin gripped Gaius' hand to stop him and added: "Why didn't you tell me, Gaius? That Morgana was pregnant with my child when I … when I poisoned her." The warlock locked eyes with the old man and even in the darkness of the alcove Gaius could notice his eyes glistening with unshed tears and his shaken voice.
The physician sighed in frustration and replied:
"Merlin, telling you the truth back then would only worsen your guilt, it would be plainly cruel."
"I had the right to know!" Merlin uttered in an exasperated tone.
"And what good would that do? No matter how much you might have desired, you couldn't go back in time!" Gaius retorted, hoping that Merlin could understand his reasons for keeping the secret.
"What about before that day? Why didn't you tell me? Any of you, Morgana, Arthur and Gwen too?" Merlin asked between gritted teeth.
"Merlin, it isn't that simple –" The old man tried to make him listen to reason, but he was interrupted by the dragonlord:
"No, Gaius, it is. There was this fact and I had the right, as the father of the children, to know the truth!"
"Children?" The physician inquired in confusion.
"Yes, two to be more exact." And then Merlin couldn't take it anymore, his contained tears broke free from his eyes, no matter how much he wanted to remain composed while questioning Gaius.
The old man, the closest to a father figure that the warlock had in his life, enveloped him in a tight embrace and patted his head. Merlin let him, because he indeed needed comfort after all the recently discovered heartache he had inflicted upon himself and Morgana – and she had made sure to poke his open wound even more.
The worst part was that his own actions had led to the insufferable pain he was feeling at the moment. Surely, it wasn't all his fault, he hadn't forced Morgana to agree with Morgause in order to overthrow Uther, though in certain ways he had, he and Gaius were also to blame because they let her alone – with all the doubts, fears, ignorance and self-rejection of having magic in a kingdom that persecutes even children for that.
But he should have been more suspicious about the dragon, he should have. Surely destroying the source of the sleeping curse didn't stop the Knights of Medhir. He had to trade Morgana's life – or at least the chance of saving her – for Morgause's surrender.
No matter how much he thought about the past, it was his own fear and distrust that blinded him. He remembered the Goblin's words, something about trusting his own heart instead of others' words. If he had done that, then maybe this horrible tragedy could've been avoided. Yet, how could he act differently when the weight of his Fate rested on his shoulders and he was aware of it, as it was constantly crushing him and many of his loved ones too. To his Fate he had lost Freya, his father, his children and probably Morgana. Maybe, as the truth has been exposed to Arthur and Gwen, and also the whole challenge thing, he might have also lost all of his friends.
Merlin thought that they had all the reasons to hate him, he also hated himself too, he admitted. He didn't even know if he deserved their forgiveness or even if he could forgive himself, but he had to try, he couldn't bear to be the subject of such intense and destructive feeling until the rest of his life. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, yet he was sure that he had to make amends, he just didn't know where to even start.
He was trembling in Gaius' arms as all his troubles caused an intermittent torrent of thoughts of guilt, regret, pain, harsh self-criticism. He was a stammering mess, his sobs thwarting his attempts to form coherent words. He just cried his sorrows in his mentor's reassuring presence.
Gaius told him that he was sorry for everything, he remembered Merlin that the warlock wasn't the only one to blame, that he also shared part of the blame and that he only thought of Merlin's wellbeing when they kept Morgana's pregnancy a secret. He explained that the young man's life would be at risk had the king known, and knowing Merlin, Gaius was sure he could do something stupid for the sake of the little ones and their mother.
With his rational thoughts Merlin understood that Gaius was only trying to protect him, as Arthur and Gwen had done the same, but another part of him couldn't understand how they kept this secret from him and why Morgana never told him.
"Why, Gaius, why everything has to be so hard?" Merlin uttered as his sobs subsided a little.
"Oh, my boy, it breaks my heart to see you suffer like this. I'm sorry, Merlin, I truly am." The old man replied, patting the younger man's head again.
"I have to … I have to fix my mistakes." Merlin told him with determination in his voice and then whispered: "I just don't know where to begin."
Gaius broke the hug and stared at Merlin's eyes – even in the dim light that the candles provided, he could tell that his ward's eyes were red. He spoke in a lecture like tone of voice:
"First you must withdraw that stupid challenge." Then he spoke in a softer voice: "You also must explain to Arthur and Gwen why you did everything you did."
"You mean tell them about my magic and our destiny?" The warlock inquired incredulous.
"Yes, Merlin, exactly that." Gaius replied in a sight.
"But that can turn them completely against me. I have lied for so much time –"
"They have accepted Morgana and many threats lurk in the shadows. If you remain unable to use your magic in the open, you won't be able to protect them. And another thing, how did you expect them not to know about your magic if they had arrived here after you had confronted Morgana?" Gaius questioned him, lifting his eyebrow in a familiar way.
"It was Kilgharrah's plan. I'd tell them everything after I had defeated Morgana and had explained to them all the times she had betrayed Camelot." Merlin blurted.
"What make you change your mind?" Gaius asked.
"What she did when she met Arthur and Gwen. I don't know how they arrived so soon, I didn't expect it … I was helped by another dragon, Sybarys … and Morgana … she asked for their acceptance … and then told them the truth … I didn't expect that, I was so used to the devious woman she had became …"
"She changed, Merlin. I think she was manipulated by Morgause before. If you could have seen all Morgana has done. She has been using magic for good, for the improvement of people's lives, Camelot has never been more prosperous, even with two wars still being fought."
"I've read in your letter, Gaius." He smiled weakly and added: "I just … I just didn't want to foster a vain hope before knowing how she would handle Arthur and Gwen."
"I understand, my boy. I also had my doubts in the beginning, for what we had witnessed, it could be all an act. But I was mistaken, although she certainly isn't the same naïve girl that used to speak her mind regardless of the consequences. Life has hardened her heart." He paused briefly, noticing he had touched an uncomfortable subject. Gaius sighed, seeing Merlin's guilty expression, and explained the rest of the day's events to his ward:
"It'll be announced tomorrow, Camelot will be a Diarchy."
"What? Does that mean –"
"There'll be two Queens and a King." Gaius finished his sentence.
"So Arthur will be King of Camelot without Morgana having to abdicate the throne. Is that even legal? What about the people, are they accepting this?" Merlin asked, confused.
"We'll find out tomorrow. I believe the announcement is scheduled to take place after your appointment with Morgana." Gaius replied and smiled to the younger man. He added: "Like this your destiny isn't threatened, Merlin, and the progress concerning magic won't be discarded. People, possessing the gift or not, had benefited a lot from Morgana's rule. Do you believe that there is a healer in each village of Camelot and the same thing will happen with Essetir's villages too? Do you understand how many lives will be saved?" He said enthusiastically.
"Wow, I didn't know. Gaius, I have to go!" Merlin exclaimed and rushed to leave the alcove.
"Where are going, Merlin?" Gaius asked, perplexed.
"I need to make things right again!" And the warlock disappeared from view, concealed by his magic.
Camelot's Palace
Queen's chambers
"What do you want, Emrys?" Morgana inquired with a groggy and annoyed tone. She was still on her bed, with her back against the mattress, while her black curls were scattered on the pillow. A blanket covered her body, but he could notice that she was wearing a white nightgown.
"I want to fix my mistakes." He was kneeled on the vacant side of the bed, looking expectantly at her.
"Do you have a death wish?" She frowned, rubbed her eyes, taking away the sleepiness, and sat with her back being supported by the bed's headboard, then added: "Give me a reason to not hex you right here and now, Emrys."
"You won't because you also believe in fate or else you wouldn't have crowned Arthur as a King too." He pointed it out and she huffed in clear anger.
"I didn't crown him as King yet!" She exclaimed, enraged that he'd use the 'it's destiny' reason against her. She only hoped that he hadn't heard about the other prophecy.
"But you will, tomorrow."
"Yes, right after I beat you in front of the entire kingdom." She taunted, but he didn't get irritated and replied:
"That won't happen. I forfeit, I withdraw the challenge." He said in a nonchalant manner.
"Wha- Why– Excuse me?" She furrowed her brows in confusion, then cleared her throat and he couldn't contain the goofy grin that formed on his face. He missed seeing her without the composure and mask of indifference and hate she had acquired since she had returned to Camelot. She continued speaking: "You'll need to do say that in public, Emrys." She raised her chin to emphasize her commanding voice and regality.
"I'll do it." He quickly replied and she was befuddled by his behavior and he couldn't help but think that she was adorable when frowning and being confused. Certainly it was much better than having her spitting out hurtful words.
"Look, I know there's much bad blood between us, and there are things that cannot be fixed no matter how much we try, but at least we can try to get over them and move on." He said with hopeful eyes, this time he was doing things differently, he felt the need to talk to her again and simply obeyed his own wish instead of rationalize about it and wait a better moment to talk to her. He has been waiting for 'perfect occasions' for so long and even though he did his very best, obeyed those that were seemly wiser than him, all of that had only led him to be miserable.
"We want the same thing, Morgana. We want magic as a part of daily life, seen as something that can be used for good. We want a land that people can be free. Now, our destinies aren't opposed, we have to work together." He appealed to her, expecting that she could agree with him.
For a moment she was silent. She hated this, she hated how her treacherous heart beat faster with his words of complicity and understanding, she hated how he was talking to her as if they were friends again, when she hopelessly fell in love with him and his promises of acceptance, belonging and she hated how whenever she saw him she couldn't keep all these feelings from resurfacing again and threaten to crush the well-built walls around her heart.
"There's much at stake, Emrys. Don't expect me to simply accept you back with open arms after everything. I understand that you must keep protecting Arthur, but that doesn't mean I'll change my mind overnight." She finally spoke and he sighed. She was intrigued by that, what else did he expect? That she jumped to his arms and promised a never-ending partnership?
"You know, some people told me about another prophecy, one that almost had disappeared. It's about me, magic outside of Albion and my descendants." He observed as she grew apprehensive with his words and he continued speaking: "And I think that you've heard that too." It was more a statement than a question, she knew that.
Damn it, she didn't understand why it was so hard to hide her emotions from him. She didn't have any problem doing it daily, but no matter what, why did he had that effect on her? Why was he so competent in crushing her defenses, in making her show her real feelings and concerns?
"And if I have, what will you do?" She mentally kicked herself for sounding like a sullen child, but she concealed her inner thoughts by maintaining her composure and raising her chin in defiance.
"It involves you too …" He came to this realization as his thoughts became erratic. It made sense, he remembered the goblin's words, it was someone whose destiny was intertwined with his own, the only ones that could fit this description were Morgana and Arthur! How didn't he notice before?
She froze. Was this his intention in coming so late to her chambers? To chat about prophecies and then claim that she had no escape but to spend the rest of her life with him?
"You understand that most prophecies aren't literal, they contain many allegories." She tried to divert his thoughts from the assumption that they had to 'produce' those that could bring magic back to the land. Then, she changed the subject completely by saying: "Also, what the hell are you doing in my bed in this utterly inappropriate hour? Have you no shame, Emrys?" She sounded indignant as she reprimanded him.
"Isn't it a little too late for you to complain? You didn't seem bothered before." He said nonchalantly.
"I was sleeping before, you caught me unguarded!" She huffed in frustration and added: "I did threaten to hex you as soon as I realized it was you!"
"You're changing the subject." He told her in a calm voice that only angered her more.
"What?! Only because I'm rightfully cross at you for breaking into my room in the middle of the night and above all you're chatting with me in my own bed, as if it was the most normal thing to do?!" She retorted in a huffish manner.
"What are you so afraid of, Morgana?" He asked, narrowing his eyes while completely ignoring her outburst.
"You are insane if you believe that I'm afraid of anything." She replied in a menacing tone and her eyes glowed with a golden hue as an alert.
"I think you're terrified about the prospect of having a family with me." He said weakly, almost as a whisper, and she wondered if she also noticed a hint of guilty in his voice, thought she didn't have much opportunity to think more deeply about it because he proceeded speaking:
"I know that this is hard and extremely painful, Morgana. Especially because … I … have killed our children … but I think that precisely because of that we owe them a better world, a world in which magic can be part of reality again, not something feared and rejected. We can change people's lives for better." He pleaded and grabbed her hand, hoping for a positive answer from her.
For a moment she was silent, lost in her thoughts. As much as she hated to admit, he was right. She couldn't sacrifice magic's future based on her personal grudges. Taking part in restoring magic to the world seemed like the only possible way to at least lessen the pain of losing her children, because as much as she couldn't change the past she could create a future in which they could live in without having to experience the suffering of having to hide who they are. Although part of her was truly scared of allowing Merlin to take hold of her heart, she was terrified that she would only grow to love him even more than she already did (unfortunately, she always thought) while he wouldn't feel the same. Sometimes she thought that it was extremely ridiculous that after everything she was deep down still the same hopeful girl, wanting to be madly loved by the man she loved. In the end, the tiny bit of her won and she asked:
"How do you feel about me?" Depending on his response, she would agree with it and, as much as her mind screamed for her to not do it, damn the consequences.
"Excuse me?" He asked, bemused.
"You heard me, how do you feel about me?" She asked again, renewing her determination.
"I … I don't know." He replied honestly and she promptly said:
"That's enough, Emrys." She pulled her hand from his grip and she spoke in a mix of disappointment and sadness, and she added: "I want you to leave."
"Morgana, maybe I didn't make myself clear –"
"I don't want to know, I want you to leave." This time her tone was icy cold and as he didn't motion to do as he was told she snapped and screamed: "LEAVE!"
And this time he finally obeyed her, disappearing in the dark night.
