Chapter 28
Deirdre stared at Robb for a few moments before speaking. "They'd truly try to kill me just to make his daughter a queen? It means that much to him?"
Robb was always surprised when she seemed shocked at the greed for power people had shown. But then again, she'd grown up around ones who held the power all her life. She didn't know what it was to scrape and claw for it. And she was unequivocally unimpressed with what she'd seen of power. "Unless your uncle is lying," he finally answered, with a nod. "Do you think he would lie?"
She shook her head slowly, resting her hands on her stomach. She seemed to always do that when she needed comfort, as if protecting their child from whatever she was hearing. Unfortunately, her tiny hands were not enough to protect her from the likes of Walder Frey. Robb put his hand over hers.
"Deirdre, your guards and my own know. You'll be protected as long as you listen to your guards. No more wandering off alone, even in the camp," he said gently. "And Grey Wind and I will watch you at night."
A shadow passed over her face for a moment. There were times when he saw a wall come up between them that he wondered if he'd ever wholly know what she thought or felt. There were some things she didn't give voice to, a darkness in her past that she hid. He found himself wondering if Jon knew that side of her or if anyone did. "I've never been very loved by most of my family. But I've never been so hated by so many people I don't even know," she said. "Despite my suspicions, I didn't even know my mother truly hated me until I married you. Now people want me dead."
She looked like a lost child. Pulling her close, Robb kissed her and said, "They want the Queen in the North dead because she represents power they want, not because of who you are. Men want to kill me as well. It's not something anyone can prepare you for."
"I never thought marrying you would end up like this," she admitted. "I never expected to be a queen. I was happy just being your wife and someday becoming the Lady of Winterfell but I was in no rush for that to happen either."
"There was a time when you cried knowing you even had to marry me," he teased. "But I understand how you feel. I never expected any of this." He brushed her hair back and pulled her onto his lap. "Do you regret it? Marrying me?"
"No, of course not. I just wish we had our simple life back at Winterfell." Resting her head on his chest, she sighed. "But I'd rather be a queen with you than a wife to another man."
"Most women would love to be a queen. Some would and have killed for it. You're truly indifferent to it all, aren't you?"
"What good has it brought me? What good is this power if I cannot have the few things I want: peace, home, and my husband and baby safe?" Trailing her fingers down his doublet, she asked, "When do we ride again?"
"Tomorrow. We will go to certain areas of the Westerland but then we'll go back to Riverrun. You'll be able to remain there until the baby is born. Hopefully, Theon will send word of our ships soon and Mother should have returned from meeting with Renly. You'll be safely out of the Westerlands within a fortnight or so," Robb reassured her. He knew she feared going near Casterly Rock but he had to keep her with him until he knew what would happen with Renly Baratheon.
"I don't want to be away from you waiting for news. I'm afraid that for my child's safety without you to protect us. But now I'm afraid something will happen to the baby if I stay with you." Tears filled her eyes. "I just want both of you safe and I feel like something horrible is going to happen to you or the baby. I couldn't bear it, Robb."
Robb held her tightly soothing her as best as he could. He knew that she was overly emotional due to the baby, but at times he worried about the affect this war, the traveling and living in tents were having on her well-being. She wanted to stay with him but it might not be the best decision. She didn't sleep well, waking up easily due to outside noises in the camp and then taking a long time to fall asleep again. Other than her belly, she seemed to be losing weight and she was tired often. He knew she forced a smile more often than she felt it. He missed her easy smiles and happiness in Winterfell. She gave him strength here but at what cost to her?
"I know I'll feel better with you in Riverrun," he said at last. "I'm worried about you and the baby. This camp is no place for a woman with child. I can see the strain its having on you despite you attempting to hide it."
"I'm fine, just tired," she said with a placating smile. She ran her hand through his hair then wrapped her arm around his shoulders. "You cannot worry about me. You have a kingdom and an army that demand your attention."
Robb sighed, resting his forehead on her shoulder. "You and our baby are important to me. I miss our days at Winterfell as well. I wish we were back there with my sisters and brothers all home. I feel like I'm failing as a husband because I'm too busy to take care of you."
"You're not failing me Robb. Most husbands wouldn't give their wives as much attention as you give me. I'm not complaining," she replied. Her fingers trailed along his jaw then she kissed him tenderly.
"That's because most husbands don't bring their wives to war with them. If we weren't here, I wouldn't have to worry about you."
She was quiet for a few moments before she sat back and looked at him with a gentle smile. "We're in this together, my love. I don't want to be a burden. I'll stop spending so much time in the camp and rest more so perhaps I won't look so tired and causing you to worry."
Robb took her face in between his palms and kissed her for a long time. "You're beautiful and I love you dearly. The fact that you're more concerned about worrying me than you are concerned about yourself is so typical. You have a good heart, my sweet."
"I don't really." Looking down, she sighed. "I truly want to beg you to take me home to Winterfell and let your men fight the rest of the war for you. I want to plead with you to rule from a throne and not from the field. I know it's wrong and that you'll never do it but that doesn't stop me from wanting that. I'd rather be anything else than Queen of the North and you could be a lord or a stable boy. I just want us to be able to live our lives together without worrying about the Lannisters or the Freys or anyone but ourselves. Then I think of Sansa and Arya or what happened to your father and I realize how selfish I am being."
"It's not selfish to wish for our lives to be simple. And you've rarely complained. I often wish I could abandon this war then I remember that they killed my father and I know I can't."
"Robb." Placing her hands on his face, she said softly, "I know you're doing the right thing but nothing will bring your father back or take away that pain. Not even Joffrey's death. I just don't want you to think avenging him will ease the pain of losing him."
"Your Grace?" Smalljon called from outside the tent. Rising, Robb told him to enter.
Smalljon nodded to Deirdre before turning to Robb. "The scouts have returned. There is a Lannister camp in Oxcross that is training an army of new recruits. They're not sending out scouts and are lightly guarded. The council wants to meet with you."
"I'll be there in a few moments," Robb said and the other man left.
"Another battle so soon?" Deirdre asked quietly. She was pale and still except for a slight trembling of her hands. "I hadn't thought we'd go that far into the Westerlands, so close to Casterly Rock."
Robb studied her and wondered what caused the sudden change in her mood. Was her fear because of her husband's risk in battle or did she fear what he'd do to her family more? She said over and over again she understood that he must fight the Lannisters but surely there were some that she felt affection for, even if only a little.
Her mother, of course; he'd been so blind. No matter how horribly Mina Lannister had treated her, it wasn't in Deirdre to wish her own mother dead.
"If we march on Casterly Rock," he began and her gaze flew to his, tears filling her eyes. "I will order that your mother is not to be harmed." She nodded and looked away, taking a deep shaky breath.
"I do not want you to risk your life marching on Casterly Rock," she replied quietly. "It's never fallen. King's Landing has. The war with the Lannisters should be in King's Landing, not Casterly Rock. Joffrey and Cersei must pay. Tywin will meet you in the field or on the sea. Please don't attempt to take Casterly Rock to hurt his pride and bloody his nose."
"I cannot say what will happen now. But I don't intend to march on Casterly Rock. We must weaken Tywin's forces as best as we can, even if that means going deep into the Westerlands," Robb explained. He kissed her gently, lingering over her soft lips as his hand rested on her swollen belly. "While I am gone, why don't you call for a warm bath and rest some?"
"I will."
He rose then remembered the incident with the wounded men. "One more thing: I heard about the incident at the tent with the wounded. Although I was proud to hear how you stood up for my men, you cannot put yourself in a situation as risky as that again. As soon as you saw the Lannister soldiers you should have left the tent and dealt with the Maester later, not allow them to goad you into an altercation."
"I know," she said with a sigh. "I didn't mean to lose my temper…"
"What you did was honorable and brave," Robb insisted. "As I said, I'm proud that you stood up for my men and reminded everyone that the matter of their birth is not important to you. I'm certain that many will respect you even more for what you did. But right now, I need you to be more careful and less reckless. I feel horrible even mentioning it to you with anything over than praise but knowing about the Freys, I cannot have you hurt, even if standing up for what's right."
She gave a bitter laugh before saying, "Now you know how I feel every time you go into battle. Imagine your feelings multiplied by one hundred times and you'll understand what it's like to wait for your return."
xOxOx
The plan to take Oxcross came together quickly and their attack was to take place the following night. Robb spent hours strategizing with his council before he insisted on writing his will with the smaller group of close bannermen and friends from the morning. He could see the confusion and concern some of them had about sending Robb's heir and wife to the Wall, but no one voiced their opinions too vocally. He noted his uncle's sour expression and knew he was thinking of Robb's mother.
"We should get some rest. Dawn is close," Robb said, rising. Everything finalized, he walked tiredly to his tent sending off his guards to rest.
His tent was warm and dimly lit inside and he could still smell the subtle scent of Deirdre's bath oil in the air. She was curled up in the furs, her hair in one long thick braid draped over her shoulder, and a gown that covered almost every inch of skin. He grinned at his southern wife's inability to tolerate the cold. As much as she seemed to have adapted to the northern ways of life, even here in the Riverlands she had little tolerance for the cold. The tent bordered on too hot for him. Grey Wind sat as far away from the fire brazier as he could get. As if she heard his thoughts, Deirdre kicked off a layer of furs with a sleepy sigh. One bare leg peeked out at him and was too tempting for Robb to resist.
Removing his clothing quickly, he walked to their cot and began placing gentle kisses on the soft skin on the inside of her knee. He slowly dragged his mouth up her thigh, savoring the unique taste of her. He felt fingers in his hair and raised his gaze to meet her still sleepy one.
"Robb," she whispered with a smile. "What a way to wake me."
"My sweet wife, I couldn't resist the allure of your bare skin," Robb murmured before moving his hand over her hip. "But if you wish to sleep, I will leave you to your dreams."
"Who am I to refuse my king whatever he desires?"
"Tonight I am not the king. I am just a husband who wants to make love to his beautiful wife." Moving up, he licked at the crease of her leg, inhaling her scent. Robb sat up, taking both her hands. "Come here."
Deirdre sat up, kissing him, her tongue moving in slow circles against his. His hands roamed her body as he returned her kiss hungrily, exploring her mouth aggressively with deep plunges of his tongue and light nibbles on her lip. Lifting her to his lap, he wrapped his arms around her.
"You look so weary," she said, concerned, tracing his face with her fingers. "If you're not the king tonight, can you leave your worries behind as well?"
"If I close my eyes, I will think of maps and battle plans. I will recreate the path to Oxcross. I will mentally try to remember all the landmarks in between here and there. I will think of the men I've lost and who I still have to protect…"
Deirdre kissed him mid-sentence. When she finally let his lips go, she shushed him. "Tonight it's not enough to not be the king. Don't be a soldier. Can you just be a man with a woman?"
Slipping the gown over her head, he then pulled the tie that held her braid together and began running his fingers through her hair. She truly was a vision, more so like this, relaxed with no sense of pretense, than when others saw her. "You glow," he said with a smile. "The baby makes you glow. I thought that was an old wives tale."
"I don't feel like I glow. I feel awkward and fat. Every part of me is getting bigger. I blame you for it all." Despite her comment and the covering of her stomach with her hands, she smiled gently. She did seem to be getting bigger each day but he thought she looked beautiful.
"I will take all the blame, but you are radiant, my sweet. When I look at you, it's easier to forget what I've lost because I see all that I've gained. The thought of our child, or our children if it is twins, makes me happy and makes me realize how much I need this war to end so we can go home. I want to walk with my son in the Godswood. I want to see him running in the halls of Winterfell. I feel like he'll be much like Bran was as a child. I think Bran was always my mother's favorite son."
"I'm sure that's not true. She loves you all so much," Deirdre said. "Your parents seem to have affection for each of you differently but just as strong."
"I don't begrudge Bran. He was just especially close to Mother. Rickon will grow up without Father," Robb said quietly. "He's really too young to remember him for long, I suppose. Not as much as the rest of us at least. My mother should return to Winterfell after she's done meeting with Renly, but I fear she'll want to stay with her father for awhile since he's dying. By the time we all return home, Rickon will have been on his own for a long time. Bran's just a child himself, although he'd hate me for saying that. He can't teach Rickon how to be a man. He doesn't know himself yet."
"They have Maester Luwin and Ser Rodrick for now. And your mother will return to Winterfell soon. She'll want to see her sons as well. But you cannot blame yourself for not being there, Robb. You had to come south whether to war or to bend the knee to Joffrey. Bran will learn many lessons about leading from your actions. And you're his brother, not his father. As much they look up to you, Bran is old enough to know the difference even if Rickon might not."
Robb knew he had to tell her about the will but he couldn't seem to find the words to explain his reasons. Part of him was afraid she'd be angry. A small part was equally afraid she'd be relieved to go to Jon, which would make him jealous and angry. He knew he was being unfair to put her in an impossible position.
"We should talk," he said at last, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders. Her eyes filled with concern, so he dove right in without hesitation. "Tonight, I made a will to arrange for your protection if anything should happen to me."
Her eyes widened and she slid from his lap onto the cot, her leg still draped over his. After a moment of silence, she said quietly, "I thought this battle at Oxcross was against green warriors with little training. Why are you so concerned?"
"It's not just this battle that I worry about. I should have had a will a long time ago, as soon as my father was killed." He stroked the skin on her leg and tried not to think about a future where she was raising his child alone, without him, but it was a very real possibility he knew. "If I fall in battle, your guards will take you to the Wall, to Jon." He raised his gaze to hers and once again saw her surprise but she said nothing, just took a deep breath and waited for him to continue. "I do not want you or my heir in Winterfell without Jon being there. My enemies will assume that's where you are and it's too dangerous."
"They'll assume I'm there because that's where I should be. How can the Wall be safer?" she asked simply. "Robb, didn't you tell me that a lot of the men there were rapists and murderers? There are wildlings all around and how are the guards going to get me from the Riverlands to the Wall safely? Winterfell is much easier to defend than…"
"I need you to listen to me and don't argue," he said sharply. "I trust Jon more than anyone else to protect you. You and I both know how much he loved you and he's my brother. He will protect you more than any man, other than myself, would."
Tears filled her eyes and he instantly regretted his tone with her. Reaching out he caressed her cheek. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's hard to imagine that we could ever be parted or that a time may come where Jon is raising my child, not I. But I made him a promise when I married you that if you were to have his child, I'd raise it and love it as my own. I know he'd do the same for me. Jon will help you rule until our child is old enough. My mother is too strong willed and will have difficulty accepting your authority in Winterfell. That's why Jon has to come back with you and our child when he thinks it's safe. He'll teach you all you need to know about ruling the north, he'll teach my son. And he'll make sure that my mother doesn't interfere."
"Your mother hates Jon. She won't allow him to come back to Winterfell…"
"She won't have a choice. I'm the heir to Winterfell and then it passes to my child. I expect she'll remain there with my brothers and my sisters, if we do get them back, but she will not be the Lady of Winterfell any longer. I'm doing what's best for my wife, child, and the north. I cannot worry about my mother's feelings towards Jon. If he feels the Wall is too unsafe, there are places he can go other than Winterfell. You know the Umbers would protect you all as well."
She rose and wrapping the blanket around her walked to the table, keeping her back to him. After a moment she turned around, tears running down her face, and said, "Don't do this Robb. The Northmen trust and respect your mother more than me. She's been the Lady of Winterfell as long as I've been alive. You're going to divide the Starks: your mother on one side and me and Jon on the other with your children and your siblings in the middle. Then you expect your bannermen and their men to be loyal to a bastard and a Lannister?"
"My mother won't like Jon being there, but she won't show any dissention in front of others. She'll give the pretense of a united front even if that's not what it is. And Jon won't be a bastard then, I've legitimized him in my will. He'll be a Stark and he's always been Ned Stark's son, so the Northmen will respect him," Robb explained but he began to feel a little doubt himself about the war that would go on in the household. "I have to do this. It's the best for everyone."
"It's best for the north, but is it best for me? I'm going to have to fight a battle of wills against your mother and how is she going to feel about Jon being by my side? Theon knows about Jon and I. If he tells anyone, they could suspect that this isn't your child. And what if it's a girl? Is she still your heir or does Jon become your heir? What does that mean for me and your daughter? Do we just hope that your mother allows us to live in Winterfell?" Deirdre's voice was quiet but he could tell she was getting very upset.
"There is no way our baby could be Jon's. He was at the Wall for months before it was conceived. So even if people knew about you and Jon, they wouldn't suspect that. Theon wouldn't tell either. He wouldn't betray me like that. And son or daughter, that child is my heir. Bran would be next in line after my child, not Jon. Jon wouldn't attempt to take anything away from our brothers and sisters."
She looked at him incredulously for a moment. "You're giving him the name Stark, but no benefits to go along with it except that he has to fight my battles for me with your mother. You're telling him he cannot inherit anything, despite being the oldest son of Eddard Stark. Your daughter would be your heir, but if your child dies, your sisters are skipped over and everything goes to Bran. This is madness. Did you ever stop and think that maybe Jon won't want this?"
"He'll want this, no matter what the conditions are," Robb said with certainty. "He'll want it because of you."
After looking at him for a few minutes, she walked to the trunk and began pulling out clothes. Robb watched her get dressed quickly feeling the anger radiating from her. He knew he should say something but he wasn't sure what to say.
"You know, I'm going to say something that will probably be thrown in my face when you doubt me again, but you're acting like an entitled ass. You assume Jon will want this because he's always had nothing, so he should be grateful for the scraps you're throwing him. 'Here Jon, here's the name you weren't good enough to have until now, but you won't be a real Stark because you can't inherit Winterfell or rule, ever, unless every other Stark, male and female, dies. Oh, and I want you to teach my child to rule, fight my mother for her own home, and teach my wife to keep the Northmen in line. Meanwhile, walk away from your life that you've built in the Night's Watch and any honor or glory you have there just so you can be with the woman I took from you because you weren't good enough to marry her. I want you to take care of her and fight her battles for her. In return for this, you get nothing.' He'll still be a bastard in every sense of the word except for a name change. Or did you also tell him to bed me once in awhile as the reward for everything else? Perhaps you told him not to bed me ever or he'd lose his name." she snapped, as she tied her dress.
"I didn't include anything in my will about him bedding you at all! I'm not giving him you. I just know he'll do this out of love for you. I know this all seems…"
"Cruel? Yes it does. It seems cruel and wrong. How do you think Jon and I are going to feel with you dead? How is your mother going to feel, especially when she finds out what you've done? It's a complete slap in the face that you didn't trust her enough to let me assume my role. This is about more than who rules after you. This is about my future and once again, I have no choice in the matter." She pulled on a cloak and said, "I'm going for a walk because I don't want to talk to you right now. You should get some sleep since you have a battle tomorrow and gods help us if you lose since you've made quite a mess of our future."
Before he could answer her, she left the tent in a huff. Grey Wind lifted his head for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he studied Robb then he lay back down. It's like even his wolf was judging him now. Robb dropped his head in his hands and rubbed his temples. This could have gone a lot smoother. He let out a bitter laugh. Jon would do all that he asked but maybe Deirdre was right: he was being an entitled ass. Everything he was giving Jon was a responsibility but yet he was giving him no reason to want any of it, unless Robb had subconsciously considered Deirdre as Jon's reward despite the fact that the thought pained him. Lying down he grabbed a fur to cover the lower half of his body. He didn't plan on sleeping though. He would try to talk to Deirdre again when she returned.
