DISCLAIMER: I don't own SVU/L&O or any of its storylines or characters, I do however own this plot, and its original characters.
A/N: On with the show...
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Three weeks had passed since the day the charges had been vacated and Olivia was going from strength to strength at Bellevue. She was now sat in the lounge drawing in a sketch book with a pencil for 'art' therapy. Olivia was the first to admit she was no artist but she had actually found drawing therapeutic and Rebecca had enjoyed psychoanalysing Olivia's moods by what and how she'd drawn. Like a few days before she had been in a bad mood so she'd mainly drawn patterns with particular pressure added to the pencil to the point it broke four times which was obvious on the paper. Her twenty three days in Bellevue had been filled with various types of therapy consuming almost every hour of every day except meal times and 'free' time which wasn't very 'free' in Olivia's eyes but she was complying with everything hoping she'd be better soon, that was all she wanted.
After having lunch Olivia went to her favourite therapy session. Mindfulness based cognitive therapy was the professional term but Olivia preferred meditation and yoga. She walked over to the mat in the furthest corned and lay back with her legs at ninety degrees. Having been doing it every other day for two weeks she didn't listen to the instructor anymore, just to the sounds of the sea and rainforest that allowed her to drift from her own mind for the twenty minutes the session lasted for. The sound of the instructor's voice was miles away and Olivia felt as light as a feather.
Once the session was done Olivia was able to go for her nap. The pregnancy was taking its toll on her mind and body and she couldn't go without the afternoon nap which was two and a half hours and she preferred it after she'd had MBCT she was always far more relaxed.
When she was woken from her nap it was dinner time and she made the usual walk down to the dining hall for dinner. She ate in her usual spot with the company of Connor Forest who had been very open with Olivia and now that she knew what it was like to feel so out of control she could actually understand him when he talked to her and she'd even spoken with his victim when she visited and listened to her reasoning for coming to visit and so on.
After having dinner she made her way outside into the early September sun. She missed running around the city chasing perps where her Olivia skin darkened in the summer and her nose turned red in the winter. The truth was though she understood this wasn't forever, that when her son was born she'd able to walk him to Central Park or take him up to Long Beach without fear of repercussion. She also knew that she could sign herself out any day now that the charge against her had been dropped and a court wasn't compelling her to be there.
"Olivia you have a visitor." Maggie one of the orderlies called.
Olivia frowned. Elliot had promised to stay away until she contacted him and he had done, she had banned George and Don from visiting and then every Sunday Miranda would come, Wednesday was when Munch would visit and Fridays were when Alex, Casey or Melinda would come and it was Monday so she wasn't expecting any visitors that's why she had gone outside.
She followed Maggie through to the visiting room and saw Don Cragen sat at the furthest table and she stopped in her tracks.
"Problem?" Maggie asked seeing Olivia had frozen.
She thought about what Rebecca had been telling her about facing those she thought had wronged her, talking to those who hurt her and discussing calmly through her point of view and giving them a chance to give theirs.
"Olivia?" Maggie asked standing in front of her so she could no longer see Don's back.
"Yeah?" She asked blinking before looking at Maggie.
"You ok?" Maggie asked stroking Olivia's shoulder and Olivia took a deep breath and nodded.
"Do I have to speak with him?" Olivia asked nervously.
"Of course not Honey, you can turn around right now and go do what you want till group or you could face him and talk to him." Maggie replied gently and Olivia nodded weakly, she'd spoken a lot with Maggie with her being one of the older orderlies unlike some of the ones who were still practically teenagers.
"Ok." Olivia said weakly. "No harm right?" She sighed and Maggie stepped to the side to let Olivia pass.
She folded her arms across her chest and walked to the table. He watched her walked past him and then took a seat opposite him. Neither one spoke as she made herself comfortable with her growing twenty two week bump getting in the way.
"What do you want?" She asked in an accusing manner.
"To talk." He replied simply and Olivia's eyes glared into his.
"Then talk." She replied. "I have other things to be doing even in this place."
"Ok. I just want to say I'm sorry…"
"I don't want to hear an apology Captain." She interrupted firmly.
"Fine." Don said getting to his feet, he turned away but then turned back quickly and leant on the table. "I will say though Olivia I was just trying to do what was best, yes, I admit it that I went the wrong way about it but I would never ever cause you harm Olivia, you or your unborn child." He finished and went to walk past her but she grabbed his arm to stop him.
"I'm sorry." She whispered and he slowly turned to meet her eye. "I'm so sorry."
Her eyes filled with tears and Don knelt down in front of her holding her hand in his own.
"You have no reason to be sorry Olivia." He said and she looked up and shook her head trying to keep calm and push back her tears.
"I never wanted any of this to happen." She whispered hoarsely through un-cried sobs.
"Of course not Olivia. None of us think that you did, you couldn't help any of this." He said and she quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and he closed his eyes and held around her waist as she began to shake with sobs. "You're ok." He whispered as he stroked her back gently and she gripped him tight.
After she'd calmed down enough Don bought them both a soda from the machine and then sat down opposite her to talk, visiting time was two hours so they had enough time to actually do some real talking.
"So what's it like here?" Don asked as Olivia played with the straw in her can.
"It's alright." Olivia replied as she looked around the room. "I can understand why they're comfortable enough throwing criminals in a place like this though, lights out at ten pm the bedroom doors get locked and then they open at seven and there's a strict schedule it's breakfast followed by therapy, then more therapy followed by lunch followed by more therapy then I nap, then dinner then free time and visitors then bed."
"Sounds like you're busy." Don said and Olivia smiled and laughed softly.
"Yeah, it's a change from chasing perps and comforting victims." She replied with a shrug.
"I bet." Don replied. "So how are you?"
"I'm better." She replied. "I'm not … I'm not healed but I'm better." She explained and Don gave her a reassuring smile.
"Are you planning on seeing Elliot?" Don asked carefully.
"I don't know." Olivia replied honestly as she played with her can. "I…" She broke off and bowed her head.
"What is it Liv?" He asked softly taking her hand into his own.
"The evenings leave me with a lot of free time Don, the library here has been a comfort." Olivia said and Don tried not to look as confused as he felt. "I've spent hours trying to find out what happened to me and the more I read the more I learnt." Olivia explained slowly and all Don could do was be patient with her. "Rory could be born with all sorts of mental defects, bipolar, schizophrenia, they're just two of the many illnesses he could be born with because of what happened." Olivia said with teary eyes.
"But I bet there's a chance that your boy will be born with no complications from what happened." Don said and Olivia nodded.
"I'm so consumed with guilt." Olivia whispered. "And I'm so scared."
"I can't imagine what you're going through Olivia and I know that telling you that it isn't your fault isn't going to change how guilty you feel but I promise you that every single one of us are behind you and support you and don't blame you." Don said firmly.
Olivia nodded and bowed her head as she tried to breathe back her tears.
"Elliot's going to hate me if there's something wrong with our baby." She whispered.
"No he isn't." Don replied shaking his head firmly. "Olivia, he's so broken that he hasn't been allowed to see you, Liv, he's beaten more perps in the past three weeks than he did in your entire partnership. He misses you." Don said.
"Maybe." Olivia replied pulling her hand from Don's just as the bell rang to signal the end of visiting time.
"Can I come again?" Don asked as both of them stood up.
"I'd like you too, but I know you're busy especially being a cop down." Olivia replied and Don smiled.
"I'll be by on one of the nights you don't have any other visitors." Don said and Olivia nodded. "We've been keeping an eye from a distance, Miranda says what she can and Munch and the girls." Don explained and Olivia nodded her understanding. "Fin is also apologising and George."
"Tell Fin he can call by but George isn't welcome Don. Not yet anyway." Olivia replied and she leant him to hug him again.
"Take care Liv." He said as he held her.
"Thanks Dad." She replied before walking off leaving him to just smile.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"So how are you doing Olivia?" Rebecca asked as she occupied her usual arm chair and Olivia curled up into the side of the couch.
"I'm ok." Olivia replied honestly, she couldn't say she was good but she wasn't bad either.
"Ok, Maggie mentioned that Don Cragen visited yesterday and that you actually talked." Rebecca replied and Olivia nodded softly. "How did it go?"
"Good." Olivia replied with a shrug.
"I'm ok and good? That's all you've got to say today Olivia?" Rebecca asked and Olivia shrugged, today she wasn't in the mood to talk. "Liv you know I need you to talk to me."
"I know." Olivia nodded. "I've just not got anything to say today."
"It's been three days since we last sat down and talked, you're telling me that in those three days you haven't thought 'Oh I should ask Rebecca about this' or 'I'll have to remember to tell this to Rebecca'."
"Not really." Olivia replied with a shrug.
"Not really isn't a no." Rebecca pointed out and Olivia sighed softly.
"I'm just so tired." Olivia replied.
"Maybe you could do with a scheduled morning nap?" Rebecca suggested and Olivia shrugged in reply. "Ok Olivia, what's going on with you? You've come leaps and bounds since you've been here then all of a sudden you're withdrawn, talk to me."
"What do you want me to say?" Olivia asked and it was Rebecca's turn to shrug.
"Tell me what you and Don talked about last night." Rebecca suggested.
"I just told him what it was like here, how I was doing." Olivia replied with an awkward shrug.
"Ok." Rebecca nodded. "Anything else?"
"We talked briefly about Elliot." Olivia sighed.
"Oh?" Rebecca said.
"Don just told me how he was doing that's all." Olivia replied. "Listen Bex I'm just feeling so emotionally drained from talking to him yesterday that I am not in the mood to sit here and go over it all again." She rubbed her hand over her forehead in her frustration.
"Ok." Rebecca nodded. "Olivia do you find yourself more tired when you've been discussing something more hard hitting?"
"I guess." Olivia shrugged. "I … I find that I feel drained more than tired." Olivia explained as best she could. "Like there's just no life in me."
"Ok." Rebecca nodded as she wrote in her notebook. "How often do you find yourself talking about something deep?"
"Other than with you, you mean?" Olivia asked with a slight smirk. "Every time someone visits but talking with Don was worse you know? I mean, when Munch comes around we talk briefly about how I am and then he'll make me laugh so it's never too bad. Then Miranda and I talk a bit about the possibility of Elliot and me fighting for custody, but it all depends on Elliot and the fact I'm scared he'll try and take Rory from me. Then when the girls visit they just want to talk about how I am and what I've been doing and I don't know it tires me. I think I'm bored of talking about me and how I am I wanna live again."
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The next morning at breakfast Olivia sat with Connor as usual. She was feeling a little better especially as it was Wednesday and that meant Munch would be visiting, he always put her in a good mood.
"So you planning on getting out of here any time soon?" Connor asked as Olivia played with her decaff coffee.
"I don't know yet." Olivia shrugged, Connor knew that the court had vacated the charges and that she no longer had to be in the hospital.
"Ok." Connor replied sensing Olivia didn't want to talk about it. "I get out in two weeks."
"That's great Connor, I hope when you get out there you'll stay on your meds and continue therapy." Olivia smiled and he nodded proudly.
"I've already found a job and so that's something I guess, I'm going to live with my Mom for a little while, just till I get on my feet." He said and Olivia nodded in reply. "I mean it's going to be really different having been here for so long and then all of a sudden be out there again."
"I bet, listen Connor it's going to be overwhelming at first but please don't come off your meds, you know on them you're such a great guy, nothing like what you were when I first met you." Olivia told him and he nodded in agreement.
"I was a rapist back then Olivia, I was evil and I never want to be like that again, I hurt people and I am not proud of it." He said and Olivia gave him a reassuring smile. "I don't think I could live if I ever did something like that to anyone again. I mean Jessica has been great an all, coming to visit me and staying in touch with me, she didn't have to I took something from her that I had no right in taking and she's been so kind to me."
"She's a very understanding woman Connor, you're very lucky to have met someone so great." Olivia replied, she had failed to understand Jessica being able to visit her rapist in the hospital twice a week but she wouldn't question it just let the two of them do whatever they thought best.
"Yeah she's great." Connor replied with a blush on his cheek, the truth was he'd fallen for Jessica even though he was still consumed by guilt of what he had done to her in his un-medicated rage.
After breakfast Olivia and Connor made their way down to the courtyard for exercise therapy, she was too heavily pregnant to play basketball with everyone but she enjoyed sitting on the bench with Rebecca and watching what was going on.
"You ok?" Rebecca asked as Olivia sat down.
"Yeah." Olivia smiled as she watched the game begin.
"Good." Rebecca replied before turning her own attention to the game.
After being outside it was time for art therapy and Olivia made her way indoors once again. She missed being outside as soon as she was indoors but she didn't have a choice as she was a patient by choice and she had to comply.
She sat down with the notebook but rather than putting pencil to the paper she looked around the room at the other patients. This wasn't the only psych ward in Bellevue. This ward, compared to many of the others, was quite calm. One woman, whose name was Lorna, had bipolar disorder and she was one of the most normal, kind, caring people Olivia had ever met. Another woman, Keighley, was there after having a breakdown after she had lost her husband and again she had a kind and gentle nature and Olivia couldn't understand why they were there but in saying that the same probably applied to her from them.
"Olivia are you ok?" Maggie asked taking the space beside her on the couch.
"Yeah why?" Olivia asked knowing that the orderly normally went round talking to people about their 'art' work.
"You were staring." She replied. "Into nothing."
"I was just thinking." Olivia replied a shrug as she dropped the pencil onto the notebook and sighed softly.
"What about Sweetie?" She asked gently and Olivia shrugged.
"I don't know…"
"Well no one else knows if you don't." Maggie said softly which made Olivia smile.
"I was just thinking, you know, there are what nine of us on this ward and from what I've made of them all they're not crazy." Olivia explained. "I mean, I'm here because I was going crazy…"
"You're not or you were not going crazy Olivia." Maggie said softly.
"You know what I mean." Olivia said with a roll of her eyes. "It's just… everyone in here to me seems like they could live normally out there."
"You included?" Maggie asked and Olivia just shrugged in reply.
"My problem is Maggie … I'm…" Olivia thought if telling Maggie was the right thing because she knew she'd carry it back to Rebecca. "Truth is my problem is I'm scared Maggie."
"What are you scared of?" Maggie asked gently.
"Facing everything that happened out there." Olivia replied with a sigh. "Facing Elliot and George … I mean it was Don too but now having seen him now and spoken to him… I understand why they did what they did Maggie, they never wanted it to go as far as it did and I get that, they let their fear rule their actions and I'm scared that I'll do the same."
"What do you mean?" Maggie asked.
"I'm scared I'll let my fear control my actions and when I'm scared… I'm irrational and I think here I'm safe, I'm … I'm closed off you know? Just… I don't know I just know I'm scared." Olivia replied shakily.
"I'm going to give you a piece of advice Olivia, talk to them, when John visits tonight why don't you tell him to let Elliot visit?" Maggie suggested before getting up and walking away leaving Olivia to think through what she had said.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Olivia smiled when she saw John and Fin sat down around the table that evening. She walked over and tapped John on the back and he stood up and hugged her tight.
"Hey Liv." John said as he squeezed her gently.
"Hi John." She replied as she returned the squeeze holding the embrace a little longer than normal.
When he let go of her Fin shuffled from one foot to the other awkwardly.
"Hey Fin." She said giving him a sheepish smile when he looked at her.
"Hey baby girl." He smiled back before pulling her into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry Liv." He whispered.
"I don't blame you Fin, please don't apologise." She said into his jacket as she continued to hug him.
"Ok." He replied dropping a chaste kiss onto her head before she pulled away.
"So what have you bought me this week?" Olivia asked Munch and he grinned widely and pulled out a brown bag and a box.
Every time he visited he bought himself and her cake or fruit and drink for them to have this week he'd bought himself, Fin and Olivia cream cake and soda for them to enjoy while they talked.
"So Olivia how have you been?" Fin asked as she dug into her cake.
"Good." She replied wiping cream from the side of her mouth. "Better anyway." She shrugged.
"We heard you had a visit from Don yesterday." Munch commented and Olivia nodded.
"Yeah, we talked." Olivia replied with a smile.
"Good." Munch nodded.
"I was actually going to ask you if you'd tell Huang to call by, I'm sure he could swing by a day time visit and uh get me out of art therapy tomorrow?" Olivia teased towards the end making the men laugh.
"I'm sure he'll pull some strings, just flash his ID badge even though it hasn't been working for Stabler." Fin said making Olivia stop and stare. "Shit."
"What's Elliot been doing?" Olivia asked slowly.
"He's been coming round every day just to find out if you're ok but everyone refuses to say anything to him so he's gotta rely on what we carry back to him and he thinks we'd say you were fine even if you weren't." Munch explained and Olivia laughed softly, that was typical Elliot.
"So you're doing alright?" Munch asked and Olivia nodded and smiled.
"You know I'm much better than I was and I've learnt to take each day at a time because some days are better than others but I'm ok, I don't know if I'm going to leave before Rory is born but I don't know if I want to, I mean even if I'm still here after Rory's born he can be on the ward up to six weeks which is plenty of time to get my head together with him but then I want to be at home, sitting in the rocking chair just … mentally preparing to be a Mom." Olivia explained. "All I can say is we'll see."
"You're doing the right thing Liv." Munch smiled just as the bell rang. "Ugh that means it's time to go." He sighed getting to his feet.
"Remember to tell George to call by." Olivia said as she hugged John tight.
"I will do, first thing I'll do when I get out of here." Munch smiled.
"And you come by again." Olivia smiled as she held onto Fin.
"Of course." Fin smiled. "Seeing as this lump comes on Wednesday's how about I do Tuesdays?" He suggested and she nodded and smiled.
"Bye you guys." She said before hurrying off, she hated saying goodbye and preferred to do it quickly.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Next chapter – Olivia comes face to face with Huang.
