Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Mixed Tape
Part Three: In Praise of a Vulnerable Man
Revised: April 26, 2009
BPOV
I stared back in total disbelief. There he was, in the freaking flesh. He was in Forks. He was the new Chief of Operations...
He was Carlisle Cullen...better known as Edward's father.
I stood there looking at an older carbon copy of Edward; too shell shocked to utter a single word. It was all too crazy and so incredibly confusing. Did this mean Edward was here too? Was he creating this scavenger hunt on his own?
Or was Carlisle in on it?
"Dr. Cullen...what are you doing here?"
Carlisle continued to peer down at me, looking just as surprised as I must have looked. He finally shook his head slightly, as if to clear the trance that he was in, before clearing his through quietly.
"Shortly after you left Chicago, I was asked to resign from my job. Before I left though, a colleague of mine mentioned that this little hospital in Forks was looking for a chief. Esme had been wanting to move to a small town for years now...the big city was getting to her..."
I didn't allow him to finish the explanation; at this point I wanted answers. Cutting to the chase, I finally got the nerve to speak up.
"Are you the only Cullen here?"
He looked at me in a brief silence, "Bella, what in the world are you talking about?"
"Is he here? Is Edward here? If he is, do me a favor. Tell him to leave me alone. Stop leaving shit in my car. Stop passing off CDs to my professors to give to me after class. Stop e-mailing, texting, and calling my cell phone. I'm requesting he does this for his own benefit. If it's you doing all this, I'm begging you for my own sanity to s-s-stop."
My voice had begun to crack as I finished my pleas. I felt tears begin to prickle my eyes. This whole thing was taking its toll on me. Carlisle sighed heavily; I'm assuming at a loss at words and in result to my emotional outburst. He reached up to run his slender fingers through his tousled blond locks. I winced at the gesture in remembrance of Edward. Silence passed between us before he took my arm gently and began to lead me down the hall.
"Bella, I think we should continue this discussion in my office. It'll be more private, okay?"
I nodded, reluctantly. I knew that if Carlisle brought him up in our private conversation, I'd flip out and feel worse. However, as much as I dreaded this, a part of me needed to know if he was here in Forks. I needed to be prepared for that day to come when I would run into him: at the gas pump, in the library, at school, in the ER, or in line at the Thriftway grocery store. I had to be ready.
A minute later, we were sitting face to face in Carlisle's office; the only thing separating us in this state of awkwardness was the large oak desk between us. It pained me to look around the office for amongst all the certificates and awards that graced the walls were family photographs: Edward and Emmett on their dirt bikes preparing for a weekend racing event, Edward at his high school graduation, baby Edward, toddler Edward, angry teen Edward, a profile shot of Edward, in a white lab coat, hunched over a microscope; bronze hair draping across his forehead and into his eyes.
He had me surrounded.
I broke my gaze on the photographs and looked at Carlisle; waiting for him to start.
He tapped his fingers against a small stack of files before speaking, "Bella, I only know bits and pieces of what happened between you and my son in Chicago. I know that you and Edward were seeing each other for almost seven months before your...accident..."
"It wasn't an accident, Dr. Cullen. I didn't accidently swallow fifteen pills with a glass or two of Merlot. It was intentional. It was purposeful. It was suicide," I felt the heat pool into my cheeks as I said this fact evenly in tone. I was hell bent on making a point that I did not want to survive, yet I was practically forced against my will.
"I'm sorry. Yes, your suicide attempt. Bella...I know my son hurt you when he did not end his relationship with Tanya. He waited far too long to voice his contempt, but Bella...if you could have only seen the way he acted after you left..."
I covered my eyes with my hands; fighting back the tears, "Carlisle...please stop..."
"No, you need to hear this. Hear me out. My son...my god, Bella. It was as if you did die that day. He threw himself into his work, spent his days locked up either in the classroom, lab, or his apartment, and it was absolute hell getting him to talk or eat. He hasn't been playing with the band nor getting enough sleep. He became a zombie once you stepped on that plane. I was and still am worried about him. His drinking habits have also picked up a bit and that is not normal for him. All he does is think about you. He's lovesick, in all actuality. He reminisces on what could have been."
Tears had begun to slip down my cheeks as I thought of Edward suffering because of my absence. I didn't want him to be unhappy. I didn't want him to live in our past. Most of all, I didn't want his family to suffer too because of my insecurities.
"Carlisle...I can't...he deserves better...your whole family deserves better..."
Carlisle stood up and walked around to the desk; sitting on the ledge. I was stunned as he curled a finger underneath my chin and carefully lifted my face up to meet his gaze.
"Bella, from the way Edward talks about you, I'd be surprised if there is better. Edward once told me that you were his puzzle piece: a important instance of his playlist. When you left, he said that that important piece could never be replaced. His puzzle was incomplete. Bella, if you were a part of his life, a part of our family...we would have the very best."
His hand dropped from my chin; reaching into his lab coat pocket. He pulled out a thick cream envelope and looked at it hesitantly before slipping it into my hands.
"He is in town, Bella, I'm not going to lie to you. He gave me this to give to your Aunt Amanda. He was hoping she'd pass it on to you to read. He knows that you need time to think and he wants you to know that he will wait for you no matter how long he takes. When you are ready, you will find him. Fate will bring the two puzzle pieces back together."
I nodded, wiping the tears away before standing up and walking to the door. I turned to Carlisle once more. "I just want what's best for him...please, take care of him."
Carlisle sighed heavily, "Bella, you are what's best for him. Please grasp that. In the meantime, I will watch over him. That's what fathers do."
Without another word, I left the office.
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It's been nearly four hours since I made it home from the hospital. I was now sitting on my bed in my room staring at the cream envelope lying on the black comforter in front of me. My full first name was written in his silky handwriting on the front; beckoning me to open up the envelope and read its contents. I had been staring at this envelope since I received it: on the elevator, at every stop sign and traffic light, at dinner (which caused Charlie and Deb both to stare at me in what appeared to be anticipation), as I brushed my brushed my teeth...all the way up to now. Scared witless to open it.
Finally, with shaking hands, I grabbed it up and began to rip it open. I pulled the thick cream paper out and took a deep breath. As I unfolded it, the scent of freesia wafted up to tickle my nose with its freshness. Turning the letter right side up, I began to read:
Dear Bella,
I've been struggling to write this letter to you for weeks now. Every time I start writing this, I just freeze up. No words can ever describe what I'm feeling or how much I love (and miss) you.
This is the ninth attempt at writing this letter. I hope it serves its purpose.
I am writing this at that little meadow you told me about the night at the bar when we first met. You are right. It is absolutely beautiful, however it pales in comparison to you. Nothing or no one can ever be as beautiful as you.
Right now, I'm sitting by the pond. There are these two geese floating along; side by side without a care in the world. It reminds me of this story Emmett told me a long time ago.
Emmett and Rosalie was on their first date. He had thought it'd be terribly romantic to take Rosalie on a moonlit walk through Ping Tom Memorial Park. The whole night was a whirlwind of bad luck. He was late picking her up because the Chief sent him to cover a bank robbery then the restaurant he had reservations for ended up giving his special VIP table away. He was hoping this walk would give him some brownie points.
Well, to make a long story short, they passed the riverfront and saw these two geese. One, a female, was lying on its side: glassy eyed and still. It was clear the poor thing was dead. The other, whom I think was her mate, stood by her side: grief stricken. Yeah...I guess I don't have to tell you this, but his date with Rosalie ended up being full of her wails and tears.
The next day, Emmett told Jasper what had happened at the park with the geese and Jasper told him that they had talked about the mating life of geese at a zoo seminar he and Alice had attended. The zoo keeper at the seminar talked about how geese are supposed to mate for life. One couple to be bound together for as long as the other lives. It's said that when one of the counterparts die, the other one will mourn...sometimes to death. The living mate will not leave the dead one's side. It will stay in that very spot with its mate's lifeless body; protecting it from harm.
Bella, as corny as this sounds, you are my goose. Go ahead and laugh (I know you want to), but it is the truth. Since you've been gone, I've mourned the love that had died between us. I mourned my loss of you. Since day one, I felt a strong gravitational pull to you. You are my sun; my ray of hope. You are my reason, my only reason, for existing. Without you, nothing matters.
I love you. I love everything about you: your strengths and imperfections. I love the sound of your laughter and sighs. I love the way you take things in stride without a hint of concern. I love how your skin gives off this warm glow in the morning light. I love how I have to protect you from your klutzy ways. I love how your body feels against mine. I love your mind. I love your spirit.
I love you so much it hurts. You are my everything. I know that you think you're not good enough or deserving of my love, but you truly are. You deserve the absolute best: whether that involves me or not.
I know that I fucked up, but if you would give me another chance I'd make everything right. I would do whatever it takes to make you happy again. If it's too late, I understand, but if it isn't...please, hear my pleas for forgiveness. I'll be waiting.
I love you, Isabella Swan. My heart is forever yours.
Your goose,
Edward
P.S. - Sposilo… è la mia moglie
A single tear slipped down my cheek; splashing onto the letter causing some of the black in to blot. I re-read the letter again and more tears followed. He still loved me. He still missed me. He needed me as much as I needed him, even though I didn't want to admit it.
I had a lot of thinking to do and fast. I needed to find out what was best for me for once.
Fatigued, I laid back on the bed; the letter clutched to my chest as if it were Edward itself. My heart's racing beats began to slow as I drifted off into a deep sleep.
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This had to be a dream.
Edward and I are sitting underneath one of the ancient trees located in the meadow. His back resting against the trunk of the tree as mine resting against his chest. His arms are wrapped around my very pregnant stomach; our hands intertwine, wedding bands sparkling in the sunlight. His soft lips caress my shoulder as we both look toward the little bronze haired boy around four or five. He was by the lake feeding two geese. I look up to view Edward's face; it's emblazon with pride as he watches the little boy run toward us.
The little boy drops to his knees beside me; his crooked smile making me chuckle. He looked like a small copy of Edward, but with my chocolate brown eyes. He gently rests his tiny hand below Edward's on my stomach and smiles.
"Momma, when can the baby come out and play with me?"
I felt my lips stretch into a subtle smile, "Soon, E.J."
I jerked myself awake, but not out of fear. Instead of fear or sadness, I felt hope. I felt this sense of relief. This was fate and that dream was a sign of what I needed to do now. Before it was too late.
I was going to go back to Edward. I couldn't fight this feeling any more.
I was still undeniably and irrevocably in love with him.
