Robin Reacts to Harems!
A/N: Welcome, one and all, to Lucina Reacts! The madness can only get worse from here. Other future children, ship tease out of the wazoo- there can really be only one conclusion to this. More madness.
The Justice Cabal (and I) are going to have a field day with this. An absolute field day with this insanity. Shippers, you may begin drooling. Everyone else, you may begin laughing at Lucina.
DISCLAIMER: Fire Emblem belongs to Nintendo. Otherwise...err, some sort of joke about Fire Emblem if. Probably.
All mentioned franchises and characters belong to their respective owners.
"Hehehehehehe..." Morgan giggled, clinging to the rafters in the kitchen, clutching a vial of specially made love potion. Specifically, Cynthia, with much pestering and pleading, had managed to borrow Laurent's notes on potionmaking. Specifically, the ones allowing a potion's effects to be directed towards a singular target, using a part of their body- a principle gleaned from the dark magicks Tharja loved to practice.
In this case, they'd used it to target Robin. Morgan had acquired a bit of her father's hair and placed it into the love potion, making anyone who imbibed it become immensely lustful for him.
As it so happened, Lucina was on kitchen duty tonight. She'd insisted to do so tonight, in order to brush up on her own cooking- which, while not bad, was mediocre- as a favour for her parents. Morgan and Noire, her current accomplice, were currently waiting for the opportunity to spray the potion on Lucina, thus making her drop everything to find Robin and thus finally get them together.
"Yes...tonight'll be the night." Morgan giggled. "Finally, Mother and Father will admit they love each other and I can finally collect on my bets!"
Noire shivered, huddling closer to the tactician. "M-Morgan...is this really...the right thing to do?"
"Oh come off it, Noire." She sighed. "They definitely love each other. Have you seen the googly-eyes they give each other? The amount of times they literally blush and pretend nothing's going on when it actually is?
And also, I'd rather like to be born, Noire."
"B-but don't you think t-this is e-extreme? J-just let it progress naturally..." Noire suggested, causing Morgan to give her an incredulous look.
"Those two are dense when it comes to each other. At this point, nothing short of threatening to kill them if they don't admit they love each other is extreme." The tactician rolled her eyes. "How can any one couple be so dense..."
"F-fair enough..." Noire nodded slowly, before sneezing somewhat audibly. Morgan's eyes widened as Lucina stopped stirring the stew she was cooking for dinner.
"Hm? Who sneezed? What's going on?" The princess began to look up, prompting Morgan to pull Noire back and hide her from sight. The girl squeaked into her sleeves, but the noise was thankfully muffled, as the tactician watched the rafters, looking for any sign of people crawling upon them.
"...huh." Lucina frowned. "...I must be hearing things..." Sighing, she went back to stirring the stew, unaware.
Morgan sighed in relief, relinquishing Noire from her grasp and allowing her to breathe freely. "Dammit, Noire, that was close."
"S-sorry, Morgan..." The girl said shakily, frowning.
"It's alright. Just try not to do it so loudly next time, okay?" The tactician shook her head and continued staring down at Lucina.
"Alright, now if only I could get her to just move into position so I can-" She paused, looking left.
Noire was twitching quite violently, worrying the tactician- she knew exactly what was going to happen.
"Err...Noire-"
"YOU CANNOT SILENCE A WAR GODDESS LIKE ME! BLOOD AND THUNDER!" The insane girl roared and pumped her fists, jostling the potion out of Morgan's hands.
"Noire! What are you doing?!" Morgan yelped. "You're gonna get us caught!"
"A WAR GODDESS LIKE ME IS NOT CONCERNED WITH MERE MORTAL FEAR!"
The potion tumbled in the air, falling towards the bowl.
"Lucina!" Sumia called from the kitchen entrance.
"Yes, mother?" Lucina turned towards her, missing the moment when the potion cracked open on the side of the bowl, discharging most of its contents into the stew. The glass bounced onto a nearby table, skittering to a stop next to a bowl of fruit.
"And no, mother, I don't have an extra hairband. I think Aunt Lissa might have one, though!" Lucina called back, looking back towards the stew as her mother shouted her a 'thank you' and left.
Morgan looked irritated.
"Well, in hindsight, I should've expected something as cliché as that to happen." The tactician sighed, exasperated. "Thanks a bunch, Noire."
"I NEED NONE OF YOUR GRATITUDE!" Noire roared boastfully. "I WILL A-aaachoo!" Her other personality had reasserted itself, rubbing her nose.
"...I-I think I caught a c-cold..."
"Dammit, Noire. You just perpetuated the most irritating cliché in these schemes ever." Morgan muttered. "Now we have to stop people from EATING that! There's no way Lucina's going to-""
"I-I-"
"Lucina! Is that stew ready?" Sumia called over from the doorway. "Sully is starting to get hungry!
And we all know what happens when she gets hungry."
The princess shuddered. "...alright. Let's get going."
She carried the bowl of stew out, as Morgan watched it leave the kitchen, dismayed.
"...craaaap."
Noire sniffled. "What have w-we done..."
"...dammit. Laurent is going to kill me. And so is Father..." Morgan shuddered. "I say we cut our losses and get very far away from the palace. Very far away.
Right now. Let the sane people finish the job for us."
Noire looked around helplessly. "B-but...I thought we were-"
"Sane, reliable, and more importantly, not responsible for this mess. We gotta go!" Morgan grabbed Noire's hand and pulled the archer with her as she fled the scene from the rafters, scrabbling for safety.
Lucina took one last look inside the kitchen, suspicious.
"Mother..." The princess inquired, as Sumia poked her head in with her. "Was there anyone in here with me?"
Sumia briefly studied the rafters. She'd been in on the plan with the love potion, and was waiting for it to kick in on Lucina.
"...no, why?"
"Mother, what was that look?"
"Nothing, nothing. It's just...I think I saw someone up there. Lucina, do you feel any different?"
Lucina studied her fingers and hands, before blinking briefly. "...no. Mother, what's going on? Did the Justice Cabal put you up to something?"
"No, no." The pegasus rider shook her head. "Not at all. Just...a hunch, is all."
"...right..." Her daughter studied her suspiciously. "Well..."
Sumia nodded. "Well, I'll go check on Stahl, see if he wants any. Are you okay serving it out by yourself?"
"I'm fine." Lucina nodded. "I've already eaten, anyway."
Sumia smiled at her. "Alright. See you in a bit, Lucina."
With that, she strolled away from the kitchens, weaving through the corridors to reach the meeting point just outside the main entrance to the palace, where Morgan and Noire were supposed to meet her.
'Dammit, Morgan...' The pegasus knight grumbled. 'What are you doing? I thought we had a plan?'
...
She encountered the pair just outside, heading for the pegasus stables.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Sumia ran after them, waving her hands. "You two, where are you going?"
"Getting the hell out of dodge, as Todd likes saying." Morgan stated, breathing heavily from running. "You know the love potion?"
"Yes?"
"M-my other side..." Noire started, sneezing halfway through. "K-kinda k-knocked it o-out of Morgan's hands..."
Sumia stared at them. "Wait, wait. Where did it-"
She stopped. She'd realised where the potion went.
The stew.
"...Robin's going to kill us all."
"And Laurent." Morgan added. "We robbed his notes for this."
"...move aside, girls. I need to grab my pegasus."
After dinner...
"I must say." Cherche whistled, as everyone present partook of Lucina's stew. "Where did you learn to cook that well?"
"I...suppose I inherited it from my mother." Lucina rubbed the back of her head, blushing slightly. "Although Sir Frederick is a surprisingly good cook. And a teacher of cooks."
"Frederick seems to be quite the man, no?" Cherche chuckled, looking over the small dining hall at everyone eating the stew. "I would have had some, but I have already eaten."
"A shame." The princess frowned. "My skill could've been put to the test with one truly skilled at cookery."
"Perhaps you don't need me for that..." The dragon rider laughed good-naturedly. "My, my, your diners seem to be enjoying your cooking. C'est magnifique!"
Lucina looked over at them- most of them, from the big eater Sully to the notoriously unpleasable Virion were eating the stew with gusto and ecstatic expressions upon their faces.
The princess chuckled slowly. "Yes...yes they do."
A blushing Lissa suddenly bumped into Lucina. "H-hey, Lucina."
"Huh? Aunt?" The princess looked at her strangely. "Are you alright?"
"I-I'm fine." Lissa giggled. "Where's Robin?"
"...erm...he's um...in his office. Why?"
"Okay." Lissa nodded, panting as she walked off. Cherche chuckled.
"The atmosphere must be good enough that she broke out the wine, no?"
"Aunt Lissa doesn't drink." Lucina muttered as she watched the cleric stumble off to Robin's office, as if driven by an urge of some sort.
Cherche froze. "Wait...if your aunt does not drink..."
Lucina held up her finger, realising something. "Hey, Cherche. Have you seen my mother anywhere?"
"...no. Why?" The dragon rider suddenly realised there was something very off. "...Lucina, what was in that stew?"
"Oh gods, what did she and Morgan do..." Lucina looked in horror at everyone eating the stew. She noted several people had already gone missing.
She ran in, her eyes wide in horror.
"Everyone! Do not eat that stew! Do NOT EAT THAT STEW!"
Meanwhile, in Robin's office...
Robin tutted, dipping his quill back into the ink bottle. One of the few inventions he was looking forward to from Miriel was a quill that contained its own ink supply- she claimed it would save on ink bottles and make writing more efficient in general, but first, she needed to find an efficient way of mass producing the nibs.
"Right." He rubbed his temples, looking over the finance report he'd received from Anna, currently his appointed financier. This report was for all of the pay packets for the rudimentary Anti-Justice Cabal he put into place to regulate the Cabal's actions as well as independent agents like Tharja, consisting of Kellam, Libra, Cordelia, Lon'qu and Panne. They'd all offered to do it for free, as a favour to a friend, but Robin insisted, considering the nature of the Cabal's antics, so they settled on a small pittance compared to the pay they received as emissaries and servants of the Royal House of Ylisse- or in Lon'qu's case, Basilio- if he felt so inclined.
Panne insisted right back anyway. She wanted to make sure the Cabal's antics were regulated after the infamous carrot incident.
"...so, a total of about three hundred and seventy gold pieces to cover all of their pay..." The grandmaster noted. "Alright. I'll just have Anna look over the savings and-"
"Heeeeee~eeeeey Robin." Lissa stumbled into his office, her hands hidden behind her back as she smiled coyly at him. "What'cha doing?"
"Just taking count of the finances." Robin sighed, ignoring the cleric's blushing, heaving face. "How are you, Lissa?"
"Just...fine." She giggled. "Say...Robin, have you been working out with Sully?"
"Sully?" The grandmaster raised his eyebrow. "No...why?"
"You seem a bit...bulkier. I like bulky." Lissa chuckled.
"...Lissa, what's going on." Robin paused. "What are you-"
The cleric suddenly latched onto him, rubbing her cheek into his sleeve.
"I just loooove smart, strong people like you~"
"Gah! L-let go of my arm!" Robin wrenched his limb away from her, causing her to pout, disappointed.
"Y-you don't find me pretty?"
"N-not what I said! Lissa, what's gotten into you?"
"Heeheehee..." The cleric smiled at him and prepared to leap at him. "Come on, Robin~"
Luckily, the grandmaster was prepared for such a situation, after the multiple times Tharja had snuck into his office to try and kidnap him. Drawing up one of the hexes he'd drawn, Lissa was suddenly beset upon by multiple tiny threads holding her away from him.
"Eep!" Lissa squealed, struggling in the threads.
Robin immediately stepped out of the office, dusting himself off.
"What has gotten into Lissa..." He shook his head. "I have to find Lucina. She might know what's going on-"
"Onii-chaaaaan!"
"Wha-OOF!" Robin was suddenly glomped by the dark mage Aversa, who was rather fearsomely snuggling her head into his chest.
"Onii-chaaaan..." Aversa looked up at him. Robin's eyes widened as he listened to her voice. It was normally quite low and sultry- befitting of her position as a seductress-but at this moment, it was high-pitched and childish.
"Why won't you love me, onii-chan?"
"Onii...chan?" Robin scratched his head. It was probably one of those weird Outrealm anime terms only Todd and Reflet knew. "...what the-"
"Aversa will only love onii-chan! Am I the only one in your heart, onii-chan?"
Robin shoved her off of himself. "Aversa, first Lissa and then you?!"
"Lissa?" Aversa's glare soured. "S-she should stay away. Onii-chan belongs to me and me alone!"
The grandmaster felt a shiver flow down his spine as she began to slowly wander towards him.
"...right, Onii-chan? Right?"
"Tch. Get away from him."
"Huh-"
Aversa was suddenly blasted back by a shot of Goetia, the darkest magic known to most average sorcerers. She collided with the back wall, grunting.
Tharja slowly advanced towards her, growling.
"Robin is mine, you oversexed deviant." The dark mage glared down at her with all the hatred she could muster. "Mine."
"Ugh...onii-sama is mine..." Aversa grunted, pulling out her own tome, Aversa's Night.
"Let's see about that." Tharja clenched her free hand into a fist. "Robin belongs to nobody except me."
Robin shook his head and took the opportunity to flee the scene and find Lucina immediately.
'How Aversa knows those weird Outrealmer terms is beyond me.
Regardless, I have to get to the bottom of this. First Lissa, then Aversa...please tell me that's it...'
"Hey." Robin felt his blood run cold as he turned around to see Sully.
"...y-yes...Sully?"
The cavalier crossed her arms, huffing. "You. Me. The bench. Right now."
'She certainly doesn't mince words...wait, wait. Even Sully?!' Robin was taken aback.
"Did I fucking stutter? You. Me. The bench. Right now." Sully slowly advanced upon him hungrily.
Robin fumbled for a Thoron tome or a Levin Sword- anything to keep Sully off of him.
'Oh Naga...' He had a sudden realisation. 'I left my tomes in the office with...Lissa...'
"Come on!" Sully complained. "You scared or something? Let's do it!"
"...eheh. Sully, I-"
"I'm not taking no for an answer." The cavalier made that emphatically clear by extending her arms to catch him, should he run.
Robin was running out of corridor to back away into- the wall was right behind him, and Sully was covering all possible exits.
'All my studying of tactics and strategy has not prepared me for this nonsense...'
To be continued...
A/N: And the madness will carry on next time! Now with 100% more Lon'qu whining! And 100% more jealous Lucina!
So, I hope you enjoyed that, leave your ideas, comments, suggestions, criticisms, reviews and thoughts, and I hope you have a GREAT day! Until next time!
