A/N:
A/N:FIRST of all I have to give credit where credit is due. The title of the chapter as well as the relevant Kakashi's line are property of TWNJ. I'm borrowing it, with her permission, from her story, "The Wait", which I suggest you guys read. It's SO good! So, thank you TONS- that line inspired a good part of this chapter. Thank you all who read and, as usual, extra smoochies to you guys who take the time to leave me some feedback. It's very much appreciated. … Oh, wow, "Boys Don't Cry" just came on… this could be a chapter. :-D Maybe for a bad boy though.. :wink wink:
My anon readers. Kakashi's Dog – Lazy bastard? LAZY BASTARD?! … Well I guess that I am. Lol I'm happy you liked that chapter, equally lazy bastard. ;-) Mira-chan – Great to hear from you! I WILL eventually write that Bleach story, doncha know. ;-) Kisses!
Disclaimer: Are you kidding? Even the title of the chapter belongs to someone else! LOL . Tons of muahs to TWNJ!
Tide 14: That Proud Chest of Yours
If there was such a thing as sin among people whose trade was often human life- among ninjas- it would have to be pride. Pride could cost lives, could cost bonds that were rarely part of a mission. Pride could blind one to the obvious, gag them when they are supposed to say what's redeeming, stop them from doing what they knew was the right thing to do. Anyone would admit that they knew the kind of destructive force that pride was, but most would be too weak to resist its commandments.
It was getting late. Late enough that he had to wonder if he should have stayed with the two boys and chaperoned their trip back to Konoha. Counting on smarts to reign over explosive tempers just might have been a mistake in this case.
The thought gnawed in the back of his mind. Should he have stayed and dealt with the two boys himself? He could have done it, if he had dismissed the rest and kept it in the family. He could tell that both of them were aching to lash out and maybe that's why he had said nothing. That's why he had escaped. What had seemed like a perfectly sound plan at the time, looked rather cowardly in retrospect. Maybe he could have dealt with it there and then- though he sincerely doubted it. Whatever had happened, it was intense. A bit like that horrible first crack between them on the hospital roof, back when – eons ago in his mind- but not quite. This tasted different in the air. It was the kind of thing that someone went to their parent about and ask for advice- however old. It was the kind of thing that found him severely lacking.
Because Hatake Kakashi was a lot of things, but a father figure was not one of them.
And yet he doubted that any father would feel more relieved than him when he saw Sasuke making his way to the mansion. Because no father knew a son the way a mentor did. A father was well predisposed to think his child was incapable of the monstrosities that were revealed to a mentor through trial and error. A father was blissfully ignorant of the extremes his son was capable of, because a father wanted to be proud of his son. In the case of Uchiha Fugaku, that very natural, fatherly desire had cost him his entire clan.
Sasuke landed a few feet from the small porch and walked towards the door, head bowed to hide all features other than a very thin line that looked more like a scar across his perfect face than a pair of set lips. Lips set in determination to remain sealed. Lips set in pride to avoid wording yet another mistake.
Kakashi let him reach the door almost, barely affording him a look. "What happened."
The young- too young and yet so old- Uchiha didn't say a word, but he didn't proceed inside either. He simply stood there, as if time had been suspended in that last step before he entered the haven of his haunted, empty home. A home he had always been proud of to call his own, even as it stood as a monument to the unspeakable tragedy of his family; the one thing he had never renounced in his long-winded journey back to Konoha.
Kakashi stared straight ahead. It didn't bother him that he had to carry a one–sided conversation for a while. After all this time that he had been living under the same roof with the boy, he was rather used to it. Most days he'd find it amusing even, but not tonight. "You sure took your time getting here…" he said idly. "Picked up where you left off with Naruto?"
The look that the raven shot him, sent a chill down his spine. It was a silent warning that he didn't want to be probed or teased about the matter, but that had never stopped him in the past. Other than Obito, who was a rare curiosity among his clan, the rest of the Uchihas were all like that- authoritative and proud, a pain in the ass and up the intestines, all the way to the stomach where they gave an average villager a bleeding ulcer.
"Considering your position, it's best that you discuss your fiasco with me before the Godaime notices." He said seriously, though not too much so. "Naruto has never been very discreet when it came to you."
"We had a… misunderstanding." The raven said after a long moment.
He had to admit that he was very much surprised that getting Sasuke to speak up- even that vague statement- had required so little effort. Experience had taught him that the Uchiha would either talk on his own volition or clamp up stubbornly, refusing to discuss the simplest things. Even things that Kakshi was already aware of. It meant that whatever had happened, the boy wanted his advice. It meant that whatever had happened was bad.
"What kind of misunderstanding?" he asked, now watching him over his shoulder.
Opening up had always been hard for Sasuke. He seemed to experience it almost like a physical pain. It tinted his features as he turned around and walked back to the porch, still refusing to meet Kakashi's gaze- a telltale of distress. "It's…" he appeared to be searching for some sort of definition that he couldn't quite find. He gave up. "It's stupid."
Kakashi watched him for a moment- watched the slight blush huing his pale cheeks, watched the lost look in the dark eyes, focused somewhere deep within- and sighed. It took two sticks at the right angles to create sparks- or two opposing dynamics, colliding in the form of adamantly uncompromising individuals. Either way, the end result would the same- heat. As far as he could tell, the raven was roasting in it. "I saw this coming…"
It was obviously the wrong thing to say, because those charcoal eyes snapped up to him, crimson red threatening to spill over the pupil in the form of that very dangerous Sharingan. "You saw this coming?" he hissed at his former mentor. "How the hell could you see it and not warn me?"
The indignant tone really had little effect on the Jounin. The boy had death-glares available as readily as most people had change for candy. "It's not my place to warn you, Sasuke." He said evenly. "My job description, as far as you're concerned, is to make sure you don't destroy the Village with one of your jutsus until you have proven your loyalty."
The mock-serious tone was fuel to Sasuke's fiery temper. Whatever he had been feeling had found a whipping pole in the older man's laid-back attitude. "What about destroying a friendship that means more to me than the Village, huh?"
His visible eye narrowed a little. That was a perilous thing to say. "If it's so precious to you, you should have taken heed and been more careful."
Sasuke's jaw set in a tense line. "What about hurting the future Hokage of the Village? Does that figure anywhere on your list?" he rephrased and the words dripped of pure venom.
Kakashi took a deep breath. It required some self-restraint to keep himself from teasing the Uchiha- the genius who had considered Naruto's dream foolish and was now phrasing it as a fact. The prideful stare that had once held the blonde, deeming him a fool, was now a noxious, accusing glare directed at him for the profound insult of threatening his friend's dream. "I hate to break it to you, Sasuke, but this isn't the first time you have hurt Naruto. He'll be fine."
Something surfaced for a moment in those eyes, only to be chocked by the thick charcoal darkness soon after. It was more than guilt, not quite frustration; more like vulnerability. "… This is different." He said after a moment, barely above a whisper.
This was the kind of things that reminded Kakashi that he was not fatherly. He could deal with the boy's temper tantrums and bleak moods, but he had no idea what he was supposed to do with something this fragile. His hands were calloused and his soul hardened by a life that had no room for soft spots. Even having students had been too much for him- belonging again had been too much.
"It always is." He said mater-of-factly after a moment and sat on the stairs. He motioned for Sasuke to join him and, after a moment, the boy did. Though the raven gave hiding it a fair try, Kakashi saw that rare look of helplessness cross his eyes. It was one of those exceptional occasions that the boy would turn to him advice. He wished that Sasuke had a better relationship with Iruka- the Chuunin was so much better with this kind of thing. "Ninjas who work closely together develop complicated relationships… and feelings."
The way that Sasuke's eyes widened was all the confirmation he had needed that he had hit the bull's-eye. No amount or belated pride could erase that.
"It's a lonely life. And a hard one." he continued. "We often feel the closest to the one we believe understands the most and accepts us, even after having seen the horrors that we're capable of."
There was something hopeful in the raven's voice when he spoke next. "So… it's out of need." He summed up in a simplistic way that served his troubled mind and appeased his tempestuous emotions. "It goes away?"
It was almost funny how he had phrased it like he was talking about the flu- a troublesome virus that medicine or time heals.
"It depends." He replied honestly, perfectly aware that the boy would have very much preferred a self-serving lie. That frown told him so, in no uncertain terms. "It depends on who you have those feelings for… and what happened as a result."
Sasuke ran a frustrated hand through his hair, then developed an interest in the way a thread that had been hanging from his shirt could unravel the worn fabric. He pulled carelessly, because it would make no difference in the end. That shirt was, for all intends and purposes, ruined. Sasuke had the really bad trait of doing that very same on things that were pristine. He'd find the thread that would unravel a shirt or a bond and he couldn't help but pull.
Some probing was in order, apparently. "Did you argue about Sakura?" he asked.
It made enough sense. Naruto had always dreamt of being with the pink haired girl and she had always wanted Sasuke. Now if Sasuke were to take interest in her, it could get pretty explosive. He sincerely doubted it, but he had to start somewhere and hope things weren't as dire as he feared. Because more explosive than any argument over a girl could be a rift what the two boys had between them- what they had simplified as friendship. He had wondered how long things would remain on that comfortable plateau.
The raven scoffed. "I wish." He grumbled.
He really didn't have any other mental options to go over that didn't involve a huge mess. Even attempting it would agitate the boy. "I can keep playing the guessing game here, Sasuke, but I think it'd serve both our interests for you to just tell me what happened."
Sasuke looked down, again surprising him with his willingness to talk. It had to be bad. "… What if…" he paused and cleared his throat. "What if what happened was a kiss…?"
Yes, it was bad. "Then I'd have to ask who initiated it."
Sasuke bore an uncanny resemblance to a wet cat.
Kakashi sighed and tried not to smile. The proud boy had always been so certain about everything, so calculating, anticipating every hit and turn; everything but this. It was a serious situation and the boy would not appreciate his humor, but still… "Yare, yare… I was expecting something big out of you, Sasuke, and you sure came through." He said, his visible eye turning into that crescent that betrayed his smile. He really needed to learn how to shut up.
His comment was predictably rewarded with another glare. "What now?"
"Isn't that a question for Naruto?" he pointed out, sounding- thankfully- much more somber.
Eyelids fell heavily over the charcoal eyes. "I don't know."
The Jounin considered that for a moment. "Did he kiss you back?"
"I don't know." He said quickly, but then, even as his eyes remained closed, the spreading blush took away from the sternness of his features and the conviction of his words. "… I think so." He said very quietly, perhaps hoping that it was inaudible.
If he did, he had been hoping in vain. "If he did, it is a question for him." He said, his voice having lost any trace of amusement. "The fact that you are afraid to deal with it is keeping you from asking and taking its toll on your friendship."
Another glare. Seriously, didn't all that glaring make his eyes hurt? "There's just nothing to discuss."
Now he was getting a little annoyed. Pride was the one that the Uchiha could not afford, if he was hoping to do any sort of damage control. "Your entire life you've been running away. You've been running for so long that you no longer remember how to stop." Kakashi chastised him. "You were afraid of dying the night of the massacre, so you run away. You were afraid of your own weakness so you ran from a normal life to become an avenger. You were afraid that you weren't progressing fast enough in Konoha so you ran away to Orochimaru. You-"
"That's enough." Sasuke cut tersely.
"Is it?" he challenged, not out of some petty urge to vex him, but because it was a valid question that had been begging an answer for years. "What will it take for you to stop running and face up to the fear that is been held with in you; that you have always felt there, rotting inside that proud chest of yours."
Sasuke's expression had darkened the more the Jounin pushed with the truths that he had meticulously managed to escape year after year for the better part of a decade; that he had been too proud to admit to; that admitting to them might claim a lot more than his pride. Unconsciously, the boy's hand had come up to his chest, his fingers fiddling with an old scar- a memory of a blow that had barely missed his heart. It wasn't the fatal attacks that had threatened his life, not really. It had always been that dark seed of despair inside him, that had grown by the day, watered by tears, vied all over his heart and soul, choking. Rotting. There had been a time that he had wondered if that heart, tucked under muscle and bone, in pseudo safety, was even beating anymore.
"I am not running." Said the boy whose heart was beating painfully now. Because he had been running for too long- almost more than his heart could take without bursting. "And I am not afraid." Because he was afraid- almost too afraid to move.
Kakashi said nothing, but simply allowed the declaration to echo in the mansion and his head.
"This…" Sasuke started, absently studying at his palms in the pale moonlight. They were rough and scratched rather badly. "I'm not ready to deal with something like this."
"Life doesn't ask you if you're ready for it. It just happens." He said simply, because things really were that devastatingly simple. "If you couldn't deal with this, you should have exercised better restraint."
The death-glare he had expected in response to that never came. If anything, the raven just looked tired, if not resigned. Pale arms folded stiffly around his knees, much like broken wings. "What am I supposed to do? Talk it over?"
"If you're not prepared to deal with it, you should be prepared to lose what you have." Kakashi said then. "It's time to take a good look at whatever it is you've been refusing to see. If it's not obvious to you by now, that hiding from the truth isn't the best way to handle this, it ought to be. Get reacquainted with reality- as soon as possible."
Sasuke's eyes narrowed on him, the oncoming sarcasm somehow assuring on his features. "It's precious how you make this all sound so simple." He said dryly. "This is not the kind of thing that happens every day, Kakashi. This is not how things are supposed to go." He looked off in the distance. "Naruto has enough going against his dream of being Hokage, without adding more exotic tastes to the mix."
A blink. It did rather startle him that the Uchiha's focus was not on the impact it might have on him- that there had been no pride in those words. Then again maybe it shouldn't have. "I notice that you didn't mention personal dilemmas on this. What about you?"
.
He smirked. "I have not been known for the sanest choices. It's a long list… one more wouldn't make much of a difference."
Kakashi had to arch a brow at that.
Sasuke scoffed, but all the same sounded a wee bit on the defensive. "I'm not even saying that it's something I want. Just that things aren't as complicated for me. I don't care about what the villagers think nor do I feel the need to explain my actions or decisions." he blinked slowly, thoughts retracking. "Naruto's bonds mean everything to him. He's had a dream since he was a brat." He smiled a little for a moment, then grimed again. "You know that he's stubborn and he'll try to hold on to things even if it's bad for him. I don't intend to let him."
"That reasoning didn't work very well last time. And here you are now." the silver-haired Jounin reminded him. "Like you said, Naruto's bonds mean everything to him. And there's no bond he holds dearest than the one with you." He said then rolled his eyes and smiled a little. "Kami help him."
The responding smile curved the Uchiha's lips bitter and acrid. "It's different this time."
"Actually," Kakashi's visible eye turned to the night sky, "this is very much typical. Of you, that is."
Another smirk. "Yes, because I've always gone around kissing guys."
Sarcasm was no myth. He had yet to come across anyone better at it than Sasuke, even when he was a little gaki. "Admittedly, you are picking up new hobbies." He agreed, lightheartedly, because reality would forgive a genuine smile now and then. "But I was referring to your modus operandi. Once again, you are making the choice for Naruto. That's not consideration, Sasuke… you are looking out for yourself."
The raven rolled his eyes. "I'm done talking to you, Kakashi."
"That's fine." The older man said, honestly not taking offence to the boy's impudence. It wasn't like he had met the brat yesterday. "But talk to Naruto. Frankly, I'm not sure that Konoha is ready for another drawn-out drama act between the two of you."
Sasuke glared. Again.
It was all the more reason for Kakashi to continue, this time amused. "Frankly, I think you should go over to Naruto's, kiss and make out."
The young Uchiha blushed madly, but still managed to glare just fine. "Don't you mean make up?" he deadpanned.
"I-e." he said pointedly, drawing the syllables with meaning.
"You are incorrigible." Sasuke accused, looking away in an attempt to better cope with the embarrassing red heating his face. His pride couldn't take that much blushing.
Kakashi relaxed a little and leaned back. Maybe there was nothing in his ex-student's attitude that suggested that any of what he had said had registered, but he somehow knew that the boy's mind was processing everything. "Black looks great on you too…"
The raven looked up with a confused frown. Then confusion dissolved to annoyance. "Are you calling me 'kettle'?"
The Jounin shrugged with a smile. "You can be the pot, if you prefer."
Sasuke shook his head. "Why does any conversation I have with you have to end like either I'm on drugs or you are?"
Kakashi knew that the boy was amused, in spite of the exasperated charade. "I don't know what you're talking about…"
The invisible smile faded from the raven's face, eyes becoming heavy and impenetrable again. "Now what, Kakashi?" he said softly. "I don't want to lose…"
Lose what? How would he have finished that sentence if confusion- and perhaps a unique case of cowardice- had not stopped him. Lose his friendship with Naruto? Lose his bond with Naruto? Lose Naruto? Scarily, the Uchiha was looking to him to be more than a mentor today. It was nearly impossible to know if he was giving crappy advice or misleading his charge, when it came to huge life decisions. He really didn't have the best track record to show for himself, yet he was trusted; what that meant was that if the boy ended up unhappy it was going to be his fault. No pressure.
"You can't stop the tides, Sasuke- no matter how hard you try. Maybe, given time, you'll find that you wouldn't have wanted to." He said with a confidence that he didn't feel. "Stop resisting the inevitable. You'll learn to weather through them faster, if you stop trying to control the waves."
Sasuke was watching him with a tired smile- because the boy knew that metaphors were a way to sound deep and assuring when one couldn't provide a definitive answer. "Tides, huh…"
Kakashi rested a hand on the raven's shoulder. "You've always treated your life as something predefined that you simply participate in." he said evenly. "You've always acted as though you were destined to lose everything that meant anything to you." He continued and was surprised to find that Sasuke did not object- not out of pride, or even out of principle. "Destiny is not a matter of chance, Sasuke. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved… and loneliness is an easy destiny to achieve, if that is your choice."
With that he got to his feet. Those charcoal eyes were following him more consistently than his own shadow, washing over him with the strangest mixture of appreciation and frustration. Both of them were orphans in a way- most ninjas were. Kakashi had consciously kept everyone at least at arm's length, because it was easier- it hurt less. Sasuke had always had trouble admitting to himself that he even needed anyone other than those he had already lost. He didn't know how he would define his relationship with the boy, but it was the closest to familial that he had known in a very, very long time.
"For the time being, take a shower and get some rest." He said when Sasuke made no move to rise. "Things won't get any clearer tonight."
Sasuke didn't move for a moment, but then he got to his feet, albeit with some effort. Whatever hardship he had been through was catching up to him. "That's the most sensible thing you've said all night."
"So cruel, Sasuke-kun." He mocked hurt.
As they walked into the house, Sasuke spoke again. "Did I tell you I ran into Anko earlier?"
My, he was talkative tonight. "I think I would remember."
As the boy started to recount his encounter with the inimitable Tokoujo, he had to feel a certain sense of wonder that the seemingly perfect Uchiha was no more immune to the simplest escapist tactics than any regular person. All this talk was not an indication that he was feeling connected or understood; he wanted to keep talking, because when he stopped he'd have to listen to the voices of his own inner demons, nestling inside that proud chest. Anyone would resort to anything to avoid that, however off-character it might look to people who had never experienced that kind of personal hell. Because even if Sasuke went to bed it was unlikely that he would sleep and Kakashi knew that the boy was too familiar with the drill. He wondered how many nights the boy had actually enjoyed sound sleep since the massacre- for one reason or the other.
Then he remembered Naruto complaining when he had first paired them for sleeping arrangements. The little Uchiha's sleep was especially restless and, though Naruto had informed him of it under the preface of annoyance and how it messed with his own rest, even then, the loud blonde had been worried; and he was fishing for information. "Ne, Kakashi-sensei… isn't there anything I can do to get the bastard to sleep a bit better? I seriously need some rest, 'ttebayo…" and bothered declarations like that with the unmistakable undertone worry. Yet after a while, Naruto had stopped complaining as much, so he had asked him if he was doing something bad to make sure Sasuke didn't bother him. At the time, it would not have been beyond the blonde to tie the Uchiha up and gag him, if it meant getting his much-needed rest- and Sasuke's constant insults and conceit did not make it a hard dilemma. The boy had shrugged and said that he was used to Teme by then, but also the bad nights weren't as frequent.
Kakashi's visible eye watched the raven, as he peeled off the remnants of his shirt, rolling his eyes as he recounted Anko's attitude.
Maybe some things had always been there, but, like most things when it came to those two, they had been too improbable for anyone to piece together. In his own way, Sasuke had betrayed a depth of emotion that he had honestly not expected. Sure he had watched the bond between the two boys evolve and anyone who had seen Naruto, while Sasuke had been away, could tell that that bond was developing into something unlikely. Yet people could spend their entire lives without realizing the obvious- because they were that blind, because they couldn't afford it, or because they were that proud- and he had truly believed that those two would be like that. Ever in the verge of realization, but never quite stepping out of their known boundaries. Of all the unlikely ways to have an epiphany, Hatake Kakashi had never counted on Sasuke finally discovering any sort of sexual appetite in the most unlikely situation. And yet, here he was witness to the proud Uchiha sounding- he'd dare say- infatuated.
Maybe the boy had stumbled on the one thing that his pride could not survive. Maybe he was choosing a different destiny that the older man had never experienced. For now, though, if the desire to avoid thinking was proportionate to the magnitude of the issue that required thinking, it was going to be a very long night. The older man hid a smile at the suspicious look that Sasuke darted at him and settled comfortably.
If pride was a sin, perhaps love- that selfless, insane driving force- was be the first step to salvation.
That's chappie… oh damn, I'm no longer sure what's the chapter's number! O.o … Uh… Ri-ight. I hope you enjoy it. Next will be Lee and Sakura.
Kisses to all!
Ja!
M.
