Part II


Closure is for people who stand up for themselves. Closure is for people who know who they are, and that the actions of others in no way define them. Closure is to forgive, not because others deserve forgiveness, but because you yourself deserve peace.


Chapter 27

TOBIAS

She's becoming that person again. The girl who was in the booth on that warm summer night.

She didn't say a word on the bus, only claimed the corner in the back and stayed there. It kills me that I can't help her, but I don't know how. I want to comfort her, try to help her come to a realization to what's happened, but I wouldn't know how. I tried to go over to her, try and talk, but she pushed me away. If she needs time alone, I'll give it to her.

I need to figure out what's happened myself. I flashback a few hours ago.

The second the news breaks Christina's lips, Tris' eyes gloss over. Mechanically and without a second thought, she runs off the bus and onto the street. I chase after her, but she is small and manages to maneuver through the crowd. By the time I catch up to her, she has a newspaper in her shaking hands.

She drifts away from the crowd to the brick wall on the side. She slumps down to the ground, her eyes focusing on only the paper in her hands. While her eyes hold deadly concentration, they are vacant of any feeling. They are red and blank. Her whole body is shivers.

"Tris!" I say to her. She doesn't say anything, doesn't look up. "Tris, please."

"What am I supposed to say." She whispers.

"Nothing, you don't have to say anything. We should get back to the bus."

"Okay."

I almost carry her back to the bus, the paper so tightly gripped in her hands, the circulation is beginning to cease. She doesn't say anything to me, not a single word. A dark cloud has made its way around her, and I can't break into it. Tris grabs her notebook and takes it to the back with her.

I can't imagine what she's going through or what conclusions she is connecting her mind. I know she is thinking the worst, and she doesn't deserve that; she shouldn't be doing that to herself.

I know there is something she isn't telling me.

The way she doesn't hold my eyes when we look at each other. I notice it because I love her eyes, and when they refuse to look at me, it hurts. Something must have happened this weekend; well, a lot of things happened this weekend.

She said she loved me, and I didn't expect to hear it from her. And I know she meant it. Words can create lies, but the eyes do not. She told me she loved me through words, but also through her eyes. And her hug. And her kiss. But that isn't what is consuming her mind.

When we get home, she runs off the bus and walks home. Without a word.


I give Tris her space, but I know that isn't good. I know she wants to be alone, and disturbing that silence could cause her to hate me, but I will not let her be by herself. I'm afraid she will spiral down into that person she has tried so hard to leave behind.

I walk in and see Tori on the phone.

"Please don't call here again. You're lucky I'm the one who picked up the phone." I hear a voice on the other line, but I only hear noise. But I can tell it's a guy on the other side. "She's a mess, and you'll only make it worse... Please stop, leave us alone."

She gets off the phone and relieves a great sigh.

"Who was that?" I ask.

"Someone who won't be calling again." I give Tori a look. "Okay, it was Caleb, Tris' brother."

A fire of anger begins to build inside me. "What the hell did he want?"

"Honestly, I didn't ask. He called and I didn't want to hear it." Her voice trails away, "I'm sorry. I just can't... Uhh, he doesn't need to be bothering her and telling her she's wrong right now."

"Has she left her room?"

"Only to go to the roof and the studio."

"Okay."

"You need to talk to her. There comes a point where I can only do so much, and I've only been able to help her with her mom. The other thing, she can't bare the weight of that."

"I'll try..."

"Wait," she grabs my arm, "You're the only one that has been able to break through to her. Please help her; I can't stand to see her like this. It reminds me too much of Natalie."

"We'll help her through this."

I walk up the stairs and to Tris' room. I knock on the door and try to turn the knob, but it's locked.

"Tris? It's me. Please let me in."

There is a silence, and I think she is asleep. But then I hear, "Just go away."

"I'm not going to do that. I will not let you be alone."

There is more silence, then a small click. The door opens. "You're too stubborn for your own good."

"We have that in common."

"I don't want to be with anybody."

"Tris?" I say. "Even me?"

"It's better that way. I won't hurt you."

"Tris, there is nothing to be afraid of..."

"I'm not afraid!" She yells, then something breaks inside her. She hunches over, tears streaming down. "I'm terrified."

"Tris, please talk to me."

"What do I say? What can I say?"

"Tell me what you are thinking, because I know it's nothing good. I know you've gone through this alone, and that has torn you apart. And I'm here; here to listen to you and help you."

She begins to cry harder, an uncontrollable sob shaking her whole body. "It's my fault. That girl got raped because of me, because I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself. He got away with it and he did it again."

"Tris, you can't blame yourself for what he did."

"Yes I can. He's a monster, and I let him roam free to be the destructive force he is."

"You tried to-"

"Tried to what? Run away? Because that is what I did. I ran away from my problem and tried to bury it, but it's come up and found me again. No matter how hard I try, it never goes away."

She pulls away from me and grabs her notebook, the one I've never seen. She tosses it to me. "I can only be happy for so long before I get pulled back in. It's a disease, and I can't extract it away."

I open up the book, and the first page makes my stomach nauseous. I wanted to see what was on these pages, but now I can see that it wasn't all that I thought it would be. Dark shades of black and grey mark the surface of the paper, changing the white surface to a nightmare. The lines aren't clean-cut, but jammed on. An entropy of darkness consumes the page, and the next, and the next.

With each flip of a page, a new wave of pain I feel. Tris has a gift. She can turn her mind into a picture on the page. While every gift has consequences, hers reminds her of every memory, good and bad. As every new wave of parchment comes and goes, the same nightmare is depict. The scariest part are the shadows. They stand taller than the monster, and they hold more darkness. It's like they are alive.

I know what it is like to be attacked and abused, but nothing like this. I was beaten down, lashed at until I subdued to the hate. Like a rock slowly weathering away. Tris had a part of her ripped out and taken away. Then, deformed, she was weathered and beat down. You can grow all you want, but that part is still gone forever.

"I thought I was getting better. I thought repressing the memories and replacing that space with something good would make everything alright." Tris says, "But I was wrong. Being in the city like that and finding out what happened was a trigger, and it all flooded back."

"Damn."

"I made the first few in there a few months after it happened. No one believed me, so I put my side of the story down on paper."

I stutter some, but I am speechless.

"People don't know what it's like, going through that. Sure, you hear it on the news, and there are TV shows and psychologist who study it, but no one really understands. People, they want you to move on, but you don't. how do you move on? How do let go? Well, guess what... It's hard letting go; I thought I was finally at peace, but that feels wrong."

"What will put you at peace?"

"I don't know. I feel like I've tried it all."

"What about confronting him, pressing your own charges?"

"No, it's too late. No one believed me then, why should they now?"

"Because there is someone who is saying the same thing."

"That's too much of a big jump, how do I know I'm ready for it?"

"I don't know. The thing is, though, we don't have the answers. We just have to live with the questions and find our way. The unknown isn't always bad."

Tris just stands there, thinking out a thousand options and a million conclusions, but they will all end up with the same results. She has made some kind of conclusion because she turns and goes down stairs. Tori sits at the table, going through some papers.

"I want to go. I want to go to the trial," she blurts out.

"What?"

"The trial against... Peter," she swallows, vomit threatening to come up. "I want to go."

"You don't need to do that to yourself."

"That's the point, I need to do it to myself. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish by going, but I do need to be there. I have to."

"Why?"

Tris looks at me. "Because this is one step in finding my way."

"Okay, but I'm coming with you."

"So am I," I say.


Author's Note

The next chapter is the trial! And I have some BIG stuff planned, so be looking for it. I've been working on it since before New York, so I will hopefully get it to you soon! The holidays are already crazy. I started Winter Break, and I am out of town the entire time, so I will try to update what I can when I can. Please review!

Oh, I do not own anything, just my ideas! Please review!

Be brave, everyone!


QUOTES

1). Bright lights big city –Bright Lights, Bigger City, song

2). There are man eating sharks in every ocean, but we still swim. Every second, somewhere in the world, lightning strikes, but we still play in the rain. A car can crash, a house can crumble, but we still drive and love coming home. Deep down we know: All the bad things that can happen in life... They can't stop us from making our lives good. –Allstate commercial, tv commercial

3). I wish I had a river I could skate away on. I wish I had a river so long I could teach my feet to fly. –River, song

4). I've never gone with the wind, just let it flow. –Crazier, Taylor Swift, song

5). I'll find the places where you hind, I'll be the dawn on your worst night. –What You Wanted, OneRepublic, song

6). She taught me to walk, taught me to smile, and taught me to laugh... I loved her before I knew what love was. –Meadow Walker, person.

There are two (song, television show) quotes in this chapter.