Heat
Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine.
Reid had scrabbled his way to the bathroom, mostly on his hand and knees with Hotch standing helplessly watching. There was no point in trying to help him if he was going to freak out, so he stood and watched and was ready to help as soon as he asked for it. He pulled his cell phone from his pocket and called Gideon.
"You need to get back here, he is not happy my being here Jason. I am making it worse for him."
Reid pulled himself up at the basin and turned on the taps and let the water run hot and steamy. He stood and looked at the scabs on his arm where he had carved the word and picked up a nail brush and started to scrub at it. Hotch stood at the empty door way for minute then went quickly and put his tie and shoes back on then put his jacket on the back of a chair in the small lounge.
"I know this isn't right. I know things are wrong. I know. This is me now. I can't wash it off. It's what I am." A pause. "I can't think straight. I need to get away. I want my brain to stop spinning and give me a chance." Listening to something. "It's not like that. It's not that easy. It won't just wash off." Staring into the steamed up mirror, then rubbing his eyes with his fingers. "Give me time to think. You won't let me think." Looking back down at this now bleeding arm. "I can cut it out." His hands moved to the cupboard and he opened it slowly, but all razors had been removed. "I am trying to. Give me a chance." He slowly turned around to see Aaron watching him.
"Aaron! Help me to the kitchen. I feel like eating." His voice was too fast and too manic. A strange smile quickly shot over his face and was gone again.
"I'll get it for you, what do you fancy?" Hotch was watching Reid carefully.
"I don't need you to get it for me, I just need to get to the kitchen. If you don't want to help, then fine, don't bother." He started to hobble out of the bathroom being careful to avoid touching Hotch on the way out.
Aaron watched him use the walls to support himself as he made his way slowly to the kitchen. He was muttering to himself again. Hotch decided that he was going to recommend to Jason that Reid was taken into hospital again. He walked quickly when he heard shouting and the slamming of drawers and cupboards in the kitchen. When Aaron got to the doorway Reid spun to look at him.
"Why are there no knives?"
"This isn't my home Spencer, so I don't make decisions like that. Come back to the lounge, you need a dressing on your arm."
Reid flicked the switch on for the electric hob. "Don't come any closer Aaron. You will get me – in – so - much – TROUBLE!" suddenly shouting.
Burn it Spencer.
Get rid of it.
Press it onto the heat.
"No I don't want to." Reid spun and looked down at the glowing red hob.
"Reid come away from there." Hotch was taking small unthreatening steps forwards.
Aaron watched Reid hold on to the sides of the hob and lean his face suddenly down towards the glowing heat.
Go on then filth.
Press your pretty face onto it.
Take away that thing they lust after.
No one will want you again.
You will be clean.
Reid could feel the heat from the hob on his face. It really wouldn't take long. It would be over very quickly. Suddenly he could feel hands on his shoulders pulling him back away.
"Reid what the hell!" Hotch shouting at him
He's touching your again.
He is going to spoil everything.
There was a hammering on the door. Gideons's voice. "Aaron the door it locked."
"Get your hands off me!" Getting dragged away from the hob, but still holding onto the edge.
Hotch was shouting. "Reid no!" He was trying to pull Spencer down to the floor away from the heat.
Aaron was stronger than Reid, and his hand to hand more up to date, but he was still finding it a struggle to pull this squirming screaming person to the floor without actually hurting him. Spencer was spitting and trying to bite. He was pulled down to the floor onto his back and Hotch straddled him holding his hands down. This caused Reid to shout and squirm even more.
He is touching you.
Get him off you.
"G g g get off – get off me!"
"Spencer listen to me; I won't let you hurt yourself like that. Calm down and think." Reid was still writhing and trying wriggle out when the front door suddenly smashed inwards.
"HOTCH!" it was Gideon.
"Kitchen." Hotch called back. He jumped up off Reid quickly feeling a deep nagging guilt over all of this and turned off the hob. Reid just lay on the floor looking at the ceiling.
………………..
Hotch and Gideon talked long and hard into the night. Aaron told Jason what Flanders had done to him. How it was slowly – or not so slowly destroying his marriage. He spoke of Reid and the past and of what happened and nearly happened that day and Jason listened. Reid was virtually catatonic now and just laying on his bed looking at nothing, occasionally his eyes moving as though he was following someone or thing across the room. They talked about what needed to be done. Aaron still thought hospital was the best place for him to be. They would keep him safe. They had the resources to help him through his trauma, and he had no doubt he would come through it, but was afraid of what more damaged could be done between now and that time.
Jason was more of the opinion that Reid needed to be with people he trusted. He needed to be away from this place and somewhere he could relax and be happy. Gideon wanted to take Reid back to the Bookstore; somewhere he loved. Somewhere he could spend his time doing nothing if that is what he wanted or getting involved in the world of books if he needed. Jason was going to maybe talk to Spencer about selling art there too. Old prints and maps maybe.
Reid lay and watched them moving around him and talking about him. They talked about what happened when they died, how much it hurt, how it should have been him. They told him how dirty he was, they recalled what he had done and who with. They warned him: he can make you do things if you don't stay true to him. You will wish you were dead. You will be in hell. You are nothing. You killed a child. You killed his child. He won't forgive you. You may as well finish yourself now.
………….
Hotch left quietly still thinking Jason was wrong, that Reid needed more than a vacation in a bookshop. He needed people around him who could restrain him when he was trying to hurt himself. He needed his medication supervised. He needed expert professional help before he did something to someone, and then it would be too late.
He didn't go home. He found going home more and more difficult. Haley didn't understand. How could she understand?
He went to a small bar and drank away the lost feeling he had inside.
………….
Prentiss sat in another bar somewhere else chatting with JJ.
They talked about everything except Reid. Though both women knew that was why they were here. Prentiss had never felt she really understood Reid. He had annoyed her. She felt they made too many allowances for him, that someone with the obvious 'problems' he had shouldn't be in the FBI, she felt they had to carry him, and mother him. Yes he was clever, but you had clever people worked in other fields. She always thought he would have made a far better librarian. JJ missed Reid with an ache in her heart that she found incredibly painful. Yes she had feelings for the strange Dr Reid and they had been on a date, and Reid had made it quite clear that he felt for her nothing more than the love of a team mate, which was a shame as she would have taken it further, but she realised now that he would never have had eyes for her no matter what had happened.
"I miss him." JJ finally said. She was running her finger around the rim of her glass.
"We all do, for different reasons, but we all miss him JJ." Prentiss was looking at her fingernails.
"Emily, you never really got the chance to meet the Reid we all loved. Tobias took him from us. That is the Reid you know."
"I got to know him JJ, I just didn't bond with him the way the rest of the team did. There always seemed to be something 'wrong' about him."
"It was that something which I loved so much."
"Well I found it creepy."
And they continued to drink and talk about anything and everything except Reid.
……………………
