Howdy Oh everyone! Well, check this out an update only three days after the previous! And not to spoil anything I seem to have my mojo back for this chap because I actually like what I wrote...Now, on for the bad new. There won't be any update for a while because I start to work again on monday and add to that that I have exams all week so I have to keep my focus on my studies (sorry :(...)...Anyway...
Enjoy,
So ;)
Chapter 28: Catherine
I'm leaning against the outside door of Sara's apartment. My heart is racing and I'm shaking like a leaf. I almost told her that I loved her, and then I thought she was about to kiss me when in the end she just wanted to hug me. I need to calm myself. I had forgotten why I had physically taken distance from her, now I know, because the simplest contact drives me crazy, making my whole body burn and my reason and resolves crumble.
I need to get out of here.
I'm heaving like I had run a marathon when I reach my car. I let my head fall against the steering wheel and try to compose myself again. This is wrong, this is so wrong. I shouldn't let this happen, I shouldn't give into the temptation. I couldn't let this before happen because Sara was with Nancy. But now she's technically single so….and I want it so badly…and I'm so asking for trouble.
I'm so fucking doomed…
xxxxx
I need to talk to someone, so I go to the only person who could advise me: Warrick. He's been listening to me pouring my soul and heart out ever since I realized that I was in love with Sara, he's been the only one to help to keep my good mood, and without him I would have gone mad a long time ago.
"Cath, hey, is everything alright?" he asks me with a little concern as he opens his door a bit wider for me to come in.
"I'm not sure," I reply as I get inside.
He sits on his couch and I start to pace like a caged animal. He doesn't say anything but I can feel his eyes following me closely. I stop abruptly and turn to him "They broke up," I tell him.
"You mean…"
"Yeah, Sara and Nancy broke up," I clarify my statement. I start to pace again, desperately trying to put some order in my thoughts.
I hear Warrick sighing "Oh no…you didn't…Cath, please tell me that you don't have anything to do with that."
"What?" I say out of pure reflex. I'm so lost in my thoughts that it takes me a while to catch with his words. "No! No, I'm not responsible for anything, I kept my distance, stayed in my corner and let love consume me until it hurts to breathe. They broke up on their own, for their own reasons. I'm not the bad guy," I defend myself.
"You got me a bit worried for a moment," he replies.
I start to pace again. Pacing is good, it helps me to think. I'm just realizing the true meaning of the new factors of the equation. Before there was Nancy and Sara on one side, me and my hurting heart on the other. But now…now things have changed and now we're all standing on an equal foot, all the three of us in our corner, with bruised and broken hearts…
"I have a fair chance."
"What?" I turn to Warrick and frown, silently asking him what's wrong. "You mumble something about chance," he elaborates.
I stare at him with a racing heart then I smile. "Do you realize what's happening?" I ask him.
"No, enlighten me because I'm in the dark right now."
I sigh "This is it. I finally have a chance to be with her."
Warrick looks at me like I had a third eye on my chin. He snorts with disbelief written all over his face "You're not serious. Cath, come on…" he smiles nervously. When he realizes that I meant what I said he shakes his head. "Please tell me you're joking."
"Why? As long as they were together I stepped back. Now that they're not together anymore, there's no foul, it's fair play."
He pinches his nose and rubs his eyes tiredly. "No, no, no, no…..this isn't fair, it's everything but fair. It's stupid, crazy and it's the worse thing you could think about doing."
"No it's not. And I know for sure that Sara might want it too. I know she feels something, I'm not imagining it. I was with her just an hour ago and we had another moment, just like in my office months ago. Only it was more intense, she took me in her arms and it was like our hearts were in perfect osmosis, I could feel hers through my own chest, beating in unison with mine, like our hearts were one," I say agitatedly, my heart is swelling just thinking about Sara's arms around me earlier. "She's not admitting it yet, but I know that if I made her see it, her and I could have a chance together."
"Cath you can't do that!" he says as if I had insulted him.
"Why not?"
"You cannot be serious," he snorts "Why not? Why not?! Because it's wrong that's why, and if you had your head on your shoulders you'll see it as well," he gets up from the couch and goes to the kitchen, he grabs a bottle out of the fridge and comes back, but he stays stand. "This isn't right. This isn't right at all," he says firmly before drinking from his bottle.
"Not right?" I snort bitterly. "I've been literally dying of love for this woman, choking on my feeling, pretending everything was fine when I was in agony…it's been over a year that I'm hurting for her now how right is this? I've spend a year convincing myself that I'd never get a chance to be happy, and now, now this chance has come to me. My chance to be happy and make her happy has come, this is everything but wrong."
"Cath, I know you've been suffering, but you're about to do something truly stupid. This isn't the chance you're looking for, it's an illusion and…"
"You know as my best friend I'd expect some support from you!" I spit. He's starting to piss me off.
"It's because I'm your friend that I'm trying to prevent you from doing something insane. The just broke up and you're…delusional."
"I've spent the last week with Sara, she's opening up to me, we have a special bound, and I'm not stupid I'm not going to jump on her. I'm going to take my time, but I'll make her see what she and I could have."
"Cath," Warrick says firmly with a sigh. "This. Is. Not. Right," he pronounces every word as if I was particularly slow.
"You don't want me to be happy," I state.
"Of course I want you to be happy," he protests.
"Then why are you like this? I want to win the heart of the woman I madly love with and you make it sound like I was planning to kill someone."
"You're about to make a big mistake, you're going to hurt yourself more than anything, you'll be out of this badly burnt and broken-hearted. You could lose her for good, not to mention that you'll probably hurt your sister."
"They broke up! Nancy let her go!"
"Cath you are delusional. Your feelings are blinding you, you're about to step in for your own interest when you don't have your place here," he says silently.
"Did you hear what I said? They broke up, they broke up!"
He sighs heavily. "Alright, I'm going to ask you questions and I want you to answer honestly," he says with a calm voice. "How is Sara?"
I frown "She's hurt, but I'm helping her to be better and…"
"Is she over Nancy?" he asks, not listening to me. "Well? Is she over Nancy?" he repeats and I don't answer, I just look away. He hooks m chin with his fingers and makes me look at him again. "Is Nancy over Sara?"
I don't like his line of questioning. I don't need to have my hope crush down. For the first time since long I feel something else than pain, I actually feel like I have a chance to be happy. It's like I had been underwater for a long time and now I might have a chance to get on the surface and breathe and feel.
"Why are you doing this to me Warrick?" I ask me with a strangled voice. "You had a chance with Sara, Nancy had a chance with Sara, so why shouldn't I have my chance?"
"Because now is not the right time. Yes they did break up, but they've just shared almost two years of their lives. They're still in love with one another, and they're suffering. Don't you think that at some point they'll try to fix things?"
"So I'm supposed to lay back and let my chance go? Is that what you're saying?" I ask angry. "I've been dying for this and if you think I'm going to let this chance go then you're the delusional one!"
"Love isn't selfish, and you're being selfish. This is wrong and you know it."
"Ok so let's say I'm let this chance go. What if Sara finds someone else? What if they get back together for good?"
"Then it will mean that they are meant to be together."
"If I let this chance pass me by I'll regret it all my life," I tell him and bit desperate.
"Didn't it occur to you that maybe you and Sara are never meant to be more than just friends?"
His words literally pierce my heart, and I feel pain being pumped into my veins. I can't help the tears filling my eyes "Thanks Rick, this exactly what I needed to hear."
He sighs "Cath don't think I'm enjoying watching you hurting, don't think I'm having fun telling you this, I'm just doing this for your own sake. I'm your friend and I'm not here to tell you what you need or want to hear, I'm here to be honest. And I don't want you to do something that will leave you more hurt than you already are. Because let me tell you that you're going to put yourself in a world of hurt." He lets his words lingering in the silence surrounding us. "I know I can't keep you from being stubborn, but I won't support you in your action. Yet, I'm your friend and I love you, that's why I'll be here with my spoon to put you back together when your heart will be broken in thousand pieces."
That's a low blow. He's seldom mean but when he is, he always touch his target.
"Some friend you are," I say bitterly. My lips are quivering and tears are silently damping my cheeks. "Go to hell Warrick," I tell him before leaving his place.
I drive back to my place, my heart is heavy with pain. I refuse to think about Warrick's words. Yet my mind acts like a broken record.
'Didn't it occur to you that maybe you and Sara are never meant to be more than just friends?'
He doesn't know what he's talking about. I was there when Sara almost kissed me, I felt her heart beating like mine. I saw the look in her eyes, there was something there, something just for me. I'm not imagining things.
I know, Warrick's wrong. He is.
He has to be.
xxxxx
I'm excited. You want to know why? Because right now, it's 'Sara time'. I can't help the smile on my face. I arrive at her apartment and once in front of the door I knock, not really sure if she'd really be ok with me using the keys.
She opens with a frown "Don't tell me you need an instruction book for the keys," she says with a smirk.
"Sorry, habits."
She smiles in response and lets me in. We cook together and have breakfast, we share light banter but as a general rule we don't talk that much. I don't mind, because it's a comfortable silence. I can see that something's on her mind, but I learned that asking her what was wrong didn't lead me anywhere. So I just keep on with a light banter, knowing that she'll talk to me if she wants to.
Her phone rings and she picks it up. "Hello?...Hey big guy…" she says smiling. It's Jeremy, I can tell by the nickname she just used. One thing I've always admired in her is the way she really involved herself with Nancy's boys. She really took a serious part in their education and their lives with all the complication it implied. And now even though my sister and her aren't lovers anymore she still takes her responsibilities seriously. "Jeremy, we have an agreement and the policy doesn't change, the answer is no…I don't want to know, you knew the rules, still you only did what you wanted, now assume the consequences…No…No….Jeremy….Jeremy, I gave you my final answer, so we're done here," she says a bit agitatedly yet with calm.
Once she hangs up the phone she passes her hands through her hair and sighs heavily. She comes back next to me around the island and starts eating again. She seems to have a lot in her head though, if her frown if of any indication.
"Something's wrong?" I ask. I know I should let her think things through, but she really looks like she could use some friendly ears.
She looks at me a bit surprised, as if she had forgotten I was there. She smiles a bit with a sigh "I won't teach you anything when I say that teenager aren't the easiest person to raise," she rubs her forehead tiredly. "Sometimes the boys and I are on the same wavelength and sometimes we're one galaxy away from each other. Today is on of those times with Jeremy. Anyway," she sighs effectively putting the subject at rest.
"You know, I think it's really good that you kept a big part in the boys' life in spite of the situation."
She looks at me with seriously as if it was perfectly natural. She smiles a bit "Well no matter what happens they'll still be my family."
She does take her role seriously. I don't add anything although I feel a bit unsettled by her statement, for a reason I ignore. We do the dishes together and soon it's time for me to go.
"What are you going to do today?" she asks out of the blue.
"I don't know yet."
"Have you seen Equilibrium?"
"Hmm….no, I don't think so. What is it about?"
"You want to find out?"
"Now?" I ask a bit surprised by her offer but immediately happy that she wants to have more time with me.
"If you don't have anything better to do."
Well anything better than spending time with Sara, would be to spend time with Lindsey, and my mother wanted to have time with her granddaughter so no I don't have anything better to do. "That'd be great," I nod with a big smile.
We seat on her couch, her on one end and me on the other. I'd be lying if I said that I had followed the movie plot. I couldn't help but watch Sara. I watched how emotions paint themselves on her features, I could watch her without fearing getting caught because she watches a movie with the same concentration she uses to process a scene.
When I leave to get back home before having to work, my mood has considerably changed. I feel fine and my heart is swelling with love.
xxxxx
Day goes by in the same way. Sara and I send a lot of time together and I couldn't be happier for it. Our relationship is changing as well. We're closer, she's opening up to me and I feel privileged. And the best part in all this is that she started to be touchy around me. I didn't want to be forthcoming so I let every contact or almost coming from her. But now I can hug her whenever I want without feeling like I was doing something wrong, and she actually lets me do it.
It's been two months and a half since Nancy and her broke up. They've started to build a bound again but as friends. I admit that I caught them holding hands more than once and that it hurt me a bit but they don't show any sign of wanting more than friendship, which only comforted me in my plan to take my chance with Sara.
Not to be conceited or anything but ever since we spend so much time together her mood has improved and she looks in a better shape than at the beginning of her break up with Nancy. The weirdest part in all this is that they are living like a divorced couple. Sara spends a lot of time with the boys and sometimes they come to her place for the week end. We got out last weekend with the boys and Lindsey and I felt more connected to her than ever, that day we were like a family.
Sara and I have our new habit. Now we're watching movies together. I found out that she was actually a big fan of cinema. The other day she made me watch a horror movie and I was so scared that I gripped her arms during the whole movie. We ended up crying like babies a sad film. It's funny to see how bare she is when she's watching movies.
I love our time together. When I'm with her everything is fine, I forget all the bad aspect of my life, I forget the horrible thing work left me with, I really see that life is worth living. I found myself wondering what things would have been if I had taken a chance to know her years ago.
And this new evolution of our relationship shows when we're at work. Sure we still have disagreements but it never turns into full blown argument.
"Cath?" her voice calls me back to reality.
"Uh?"
"The movie is starting," she chuckles.
"Yeah, sorry;" I smile at her.
"You know if you're tired we can watch it another day."
"No, I'm fine thanks. Let's watch it."
We start to watch the movie after chuckling. Two months and a half ago there was enough room between us for another person to seat, but now there's barely space, so much that I can feel the warmth of her body burning through the fabric of my clothes.
I open my eyes slowly, feeling a bit disoriented I must have fallen asleep during the movie. "Hey there," I lift my head a bit and realize that I'm resting on her lap. I smile a bit embarrassed.
"I think I was tired after all," I tell her.
She chuckles "I saw that, Bourne had just managed to get in Paris when you fell asleep."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You can sleep in my bed if you're too tired to drive," she says from the kitchen side.
I stir and yawn. "Thanks for the offer but I should go home, it won't be long before I have to get Lindsey from her dance class."
"As you want, but wait a bit to be more alert before you go," she advises me. "There you go," she says offering a mug of hot and fresh coffee.
We talk a bit more. And then I decide that I really have to go. She walks me to the door and before leaving I'm bolt enough to kiss her cheek. She's surprised by my move but she just blushes and smiles in response.
When I arrive home I still feel her soft skin under my lips.
xxxxx
"Come on Sara, just taste it," I tell her. I've decided to try a new recipe today and I have to admit that even if I have followed the instruction with great care, the result…doesn't really inspire trust. And Sara who's supposed to taste it is reluctant to do it. So we've spent the last twenty minutes looking at her plate.
"Cath, look at it."
"I followed the instruction. There's more than what meets the eyes. Come on and taste it."
"Fine," she says with a dramatic sigh. "Let's hope it's not as good as it looks," she says sarcastically. She puts a bite in her mouth; chews it and spits it out immediately.
"Oh now you're just mean," I say a bit offended. I mean, she could have swallowed at least this bite before telling me that it's not good.
"Taste it," she says before drinking a mug of water.
I put a bite in my mouth and am almost ready to throw up when I taste it. "Oh my god," I say before spitting. I go to the sink and start to drink water straight out from the tap.
She laughs at me "Now we know the difference between…" she looks at the recipe "Three glasses of salt and three glasses of sugar."
I can't believe I made such a rookie mistake. I was so distracted that I confused the jar of sugar with the one of salt. Sara is laughing hard, when I turn around she's holding her ribs. I think it's the first time she actually laughs in months. She always chuckled or had silent laughs when we watched movie, but right now she's laughing with all her heart. I missed that sound and hearing it, knowing that I'm the origin of it makes me happy.
I start to advance on her silently threatening her to kick her if she didn't stop laughing in the instant, but it only makes her laugh harder. She starts to step back still laughing "Cath, come on," she pleads, but her laugh doesn't stop.
I start to chase her and we end up struggling, she's leaning on the back of the couch holding my wrists while I'm trying to get free to tickle her. She manages to reverse our position so I'm the one leaning against the back of the couch. We're both laughing.
"Ok, fine, let me go," I tell her.
"Promise not to tickle me," she asks.
"I promise," I say giggling.
We're both trying to catch our breaths back. She's still holding my hands when we realize how close from one another we are. All the sudden tension falls upon us. My heart starts to race, and my breathing gets shallow. We're staring at each other both a bit breathless after all our laughing. Once more the tension is thick, barely bearable.
Sara let's go of one of my wrists and moves it close to my face. Her hand is shaking, she watching her hand as if she wasn't sure that it was hers, or that she was controlling her body. Her hand is close to my cheek yet it's not touching the skin, but I can feel the warmth of it. I think my heart is about to escape my ribcage for good. Her hands finally lands delicately on my cheek. I let a shaky breath escaping my lips, but I don't move. My whole skin is on fire with this simple touch and I feel electricity stinging my body.
She's still looking at her hand moving. I'm watching her, she seems mesmerized. Suddenly her eyes are on mine again. Her fingers trail on my cheek and her thumb is on my lips, tracing it gently. Her eyes are glue on my lips and she seems to have as much trouble breathing than I do.
This time I won't tell her to go. This time I won't runaway.
I start to close the distance between us, stopping my lips just in front of her, giving her the opportunity to step back.
She doesn't.
I don't waste time being overly happy about it. I look at her one last time, then I lick my lips. This millimetre feels like an inch. I can feel her breath caressing my lips. I move again and…
I kiss her.
Oh. My. Goodness.
I sigh in contentment at the contact. My heart literally explodes when I feel her other hand resting on my waist and pulling me to her. She kisses me back and my legs turn into jelly. I take her bottom lips between mine and suck it, one of my hand is on her shoulder and the other loses itself in her hair. I run my tongue on her lips, asking her for entrance. She parts her lips and our tongues meet.
I can't help the moaning at the sensation. My whole body is swimming into pure bliss. Lucky me she has a firm grip on me because I sure as hell can't stand on my own devices right now.
I'm kissing Sara.
The kiss is slow and exploring, intense, deep, marvellous, wonderful, fantastic, addictive…the kiss is wow. I see stars and floors and fireworks, and I feel like I was on the verge of proofing the theory of the human combustion. The kiss gets more intense and passionate, demanding. She's holding me so close to her that it's like our bodies made one.
I'm in heaven.
I've been living for this moment. There are no words to express what I'm feeling. I'm about to die right on the spot, die of unadulterated happiness and ecstasy. I have reached the Nirvana.
We pull back once to breathe but I kiss her again almost immediately. I'd never have enough of those sensations and feeling, I'm tasting pure bliss, it's better than my first trip on cocaine, better than my best orgasm, better than driving a fast car, better than anything I've ever known.
She pulls back. I try to kiss her again but this time she keeps me at distance. I open my eyes and look at her, she looks lost and frightened. We're both panting, her lips are swollen and there's a faint blush on her cheek. I cup her cheek with one hand, the contact makes her looking at me. "Hey," I whisper with a little smile.
"I'm sorry," she says. I frown not understanding what she's sorry for. "I shouldn't have kissed you, forgive me….I'm sorry."
"Don't be," I try to reassure her. I look at her with all my love "Sara, I wanted this as well. I want it too," I tell her.
"That's the problem. I don't," she says sadly. She takes a step back and buries her face in her hands with a sigh.
"I'm not sure to understand," I reply.
"I don't want it. You're my friend Cath and I don't want this."
I feel a heavy blow crashing on my stomach at her words. I think I'm about to throw up. "You can't kiss me like that and then tell me something like this."
"Don't you see what I'm doing? I'm using you. I'm using you to fill a hole Nancy's left…I feel empty but you're here and I…and I don't find anything better than using you as a substitute…and I...fuck.." she says with agitation. "I want Nancy, I want Nancy because I love her…we're just friend, I don't want anything with you…I'm sorry…"
I can't breathe.
I was high with ecstasy and now I've fallen down so hard that I broke into pieces. I let all my defences down a moment ago so I'm completely vulnerable; her words have a lethal effect. It's like she was killing a bird shooting it with a tank. My brain is refusing to process her words, it refuses to admit this reality.
"Cath…I'm sorry…I'm really sorry…" I hear Sara say. Her voice is distant and even if I'm looking at her I feel like I couldn't see her. She puts her hand on my shoulder but I jerk away, burnt by the touch.
Unadulterated rage travels through me. I ball my hands into tight fists. I look at her with fury, my lips are quivering, my heart is racing, but for different reasons now. Tears of rage are falling on my face "Fuck you Sara," I say between my teeth. "Fuck you," my voice is barely above the whisper.
I grab my belongings and bolt out the door "Cath wait!" I hear her calling me but I don't stop. I'm swaying a little as I walk because my legs are like cotton, my head is spinning. I feel like falling so much that it's giving me vertigo. As soon as I'm outside her building I turn to the grass in front of it and puke. I whip my mouth but still feel queasy. I hold myself on the wall and then try to breathe, but it's like there was no more oxygen in the air, so the deeper I breathe the more I choke.
This is a nightmare, this is a nightmare, I'm going to wake up. This is not happening.
I manage to reach my car and drive away as fast as possible. When I arrive at the destination, I'm still in shock. I can't believe what happened.
I knock on the door with the little strength I still have. "Cath?...My god what happened?" Warrick asks me with panic. I can only guess how I look. He steps back to let me in.
I chuckle bitterly. It takes me more than one try to speak. "You better grab your spoon," I tell him.
He looks at me with a frown but then realisation hits him. He takes me in his arms and my legs give up on me. I fall but he supports me so we land gently on the floor. I start to sob violently. I have a death grip on Warrick, I feel like I was burning from inside, I'm literally dying. I can feel my heart bleeding openly. My sobs are so violent that I can't breathe.
Warrick doesn't say that he had told me so, he doesn't say anything except "I got you sweetie, I got you…"
Somehow I feel bad waves coming my way. And to say that I won't be able to update in a while...mouhahahaha...(hum...sorry)...My motto: the easy ways can be boring ;)...(...crawling out of the room)
Thanks for reading
