Shepard's mind throbbed as the vision dissipated again. He rolled his neck, brows firmly knit together as he tried to breathe it out. His eyes opened and he faced the asari. The blackness in her own eyes was fading, returning them to their usual blue. The commander stared at her and said nothing.
"I… I never thought the images would be so intense." You have got to be fucking kidding me. "I need a moment to collect myself."
Shepard's fists clenched as he glared at Liara. The asari looked visibly shaken, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He had lost his patience back on Virmire. They were all shaken. They all needed to collect themselves. Now wasn't the time.
"We don't have a moment, Liara." He growled. The asari frowned and looked to the floor. The rest of the team shifted uncomfortably in their seats. "We need to find Saren. Now."
"Yes. Yes, of course, I'm sorry. It was simply so intense, and I am very tired. It was overwhelming."
"The vision." The command was clipped and demanding. He caught a wary look from Garrus, but ignored it.
"Right, I am sorry. It… It was a warning. A distress call sent out to warn against the Reapers. To warn… us."
Oh, is that what a warning is meant to do? "And the Conduit? Where is it?"
"Yes… There were images. Locations. Places I recognized from my research… Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos!"
Shepard's fists relaxed as he nodded. "Good." A hand came up to run through his hair. "That's good." The asari slumped in relief and Shepard fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Go." He grunted. Liara's eyes widened. "Get some rest." She paused, her mouth opening fractionally. "Unless you have something else to add?" The commander growled, his mouth setting into a hard line.
"I… No. No, I will go." Liara murmured, flustered, then walked towards the door. Shepard's eyes followed her.
"We're going to Ilos. Get ready." He commanded, the Spectre's eyes drifting over the rest of them. Tali wrung her hands.
"Commander… I don't think that's a great idea." The quarian muttered, glancing anxiously to the turian at her side. Garrus was watching Shepard like a hawk. "Ilos is through the Mu Relay, out in the Terminus systems. The Alliance, the Council, even Spectres aren't welcome there." I know that. Shepard bit his tongue, literally, to keep himself from lashing out at the nervous woman. "Saren will have his entire fleet. All of those geth…" Her voice broke off as she slumped. "Going out there alone would be suicide."
"We can't afford to sit here and let Saren get away. We need to be there waiting." The commander stayed standing and paced the room. "You all saw Sovereign. You heard what he said. His little buddies are coming to harvest us, to use us for hell knows what and to kill everyone." Shepard's fist lashed out at the comm terminal, slamming down with a crack. He stilled and drew in a sharp breath, his hand running through his hair again. He was furious. At everything, everyone. Mostly, at himself. He wanted to drink and fuck and forget. To beat something, anything until his knuckles were raw and his muscles aching. To do anything to stop feeling this. This fucking helplessness, this burning rage. "Saren is trying to bring them back. He's losing himself to their influence. Stopping him is the only way we can stop the Reapers – or at least stall them. We're going. There is no other option."
Shepard turned from the terminal to face them. They were regarding him with mixed expressions of fear, sadness, and mistrust. Ashley's eyes found his, watching him, daring him. He sighed.
"Commander, there is another option." Garrus spoke up, mandibles drooped as he watched the Spectre. "The Council."
"Those pyjaks have done nothing for us so far. There is no reason they would start to now." Wrex grumbled in his usual surly way.
"With what we saw on Virmire, coupled with the testimonies of the surviving members of Kirrahe's unit, they have to believe us. They will send the fleet, get us a way in. We'll have no problem with the geth if they're with us."
"If they help." Shepard growled. "If they decide they want to be involved. They're not big on gestures of support." He shook his head. "It'll put us at least a day behind Saren. It's too much of a risk. Normandy's stealth drive should get us in safely. We're going."
"Then we only have to deal with the legion of geth he brings to land, right? I'm in no hurry to try that again, sir." Ashley's voice cut him, and as he met her gaze her brown eyes were on fire. "We can't do this alone, Shepard. We're going to lose a lot more people if we try."
"We'll lose everyone if we don't." He glared back at her and she held it, her brows knitting together angrily. "We're going."
"And we'll have absolutely no chance of saving anyone if you go and get yourself killed diving into this! We're not ready. We're exhausted, low on supplies, and completely alone out here. Saren will eat us alive before we land, and then the Reapers will roll through anyways – and do it unopposed. Get your head on straight, Shepard." Ashley's eyes narrowed, becoming pained. "Kaidan didn't sacrifice himself so you could throw the rest of us away."
It was like a hard, swift blow to the stomach. His mind was sent reeling. He knew he deserved it. Shepard backed up and sat, his hand coming up to mess his tangled, greasy hair. I'm going to get them all killed. Ashley just sat and watched, daring him to fight her. Garrus' mandibles dropped to the floor as he gaped at the soldier, but composed himself after a moment and nodded.
"She's right, Commander. We're not ready for this." The turian muttered, his small blue eyes trying to assess the man before him. Shepard rubbed his hands over his face, over the too-scruffy beard developing on his jawline. He felt sick and dirty and helpless, and more pissed than he had been before.
Shepard glared at the two of them then waved a hand dismissively. "Fine." He grunted resentfully. "I'll send off the report to the Council and see if they'll help. But we can't wait around – one way or another, we are doing this. Saren has to go down. So you all had better get ready before we do." They said nothing. Tali's hands were wringing each other so tight he wondered if it hurt. Wrex, however, looked mildly amused. "Dismissed."
Garrus gave him one last assessing look and stood, following a practically running Tali out of the room. Wrex lumbered to his feet.
"Shepard."
"Wrex."
"You did not mention the genophage cure."
"No, Wrex. I didn't." Shepard's hand tethered itself to his scalp. "We couldn't get anything from Saren's lab, you know that. His computers were filled with that strange code – Reaper code, probably. Who knows." He sighed. "We'll put it right, Wrex. If that asshole could make one, you better believe we can find a way to too."
The krogan's red gaze met his. He had lost the rage he possessed back on Virmire. Now he just looked cool, calculating. And really fucking intimidating in such close quarters. "I'll hold you to that." Wrex growled. "Shepard." The krogan nodded shortly, turning for the door.
"Wrex."
Shepard watched him leave, the door swishing closed and leaving a heavy silence behind. He skillfully avoided Ashley's gaze and instead chose to stare at the inside of his hands as he rubbed his eyes. I can't deal with this right now. When he finally brought them down slowly and risked a peek at her, the soldier remained seated, watching him with a fiery glare. She had sat with him for hours in the medbay, was at his side until he was finally deemed physically and mentally well enough to resume command. But now… Looking at her made him ashamed of himself, of his actions, of what he was. He wanted to say it was all a crock of shit - that he was fine and she should stop looking at him like he was going to shatter. But it was only getting worse. There was just too much to remember, too much to relive. And Ash had been there for it. For him drifting in and out, cursing and struggling and tearing at those goddamned restraints every time he started to fall back asleep. He would wake up with a shout every time his dreams brought him to them, all of those he couldn't save.
It wasn't a side of him he ever wanted to share with her. And her reaction… Fuck. If he was reading the alternating looks in her eyes correctly, the woman had seemed to be torn between pity and disgust. Shepard hated it. Hated that she knew what he was. Worthless, cracked. Neither of them had said more than the bare minimum – his apologies, her brief consoling words. She was drawing away from him. He knew it, he understood it. He deserved it. But for some reason, she had still stayed. She had stayed, sat at his side and held his hand. And despite the anger, the helplessness, the shame, he didn't want her to leave. He needed her.
"You need a shower." Ashley observed wryly, breaking the silence and crossing her legs. Her brown eyes were still full of fire, ready to fight. She looked like a cat ready to pounce.
"I'll shower later. I need to send a request to the Council now, remember?" Shepard growled. His voice sounded petty even to him, but he didn't care. The soldier rolled her eyes.
"It's the right decision, Shepard. Stop being an ass."
"I'm being an ass? You have to be fucking kidding." The commander's voice was kept low. His green eyes met her challenge. "That was a low blow bringing Kaidan into this, Ash, and you know it."
"It proved my point, didn't it?" She spat back. "You're trying to pull the same stunt you did at Cerberus HQ. You don't think when you get mad, Shepard. You throw all caution aside for a chance at revenge. You're going to end up risking your life, or one of ours, in the process. It's not okay. You'd know that, if you didn't have your head so far up your ass." Ashley crossed her arms, settling back in her seat.
Shepard shook his head, a hand running through his hair in exasperation. Just what I needed. "This mission is everything. This isn't like Cerberus. This isn't just about revenge. There are billions of lives at risk. I'm not going to fuck around and wait for the Reapers to come until we're 'ready'. We're never going to be ready, Ash. The beacon, the vision… They completely destroyed the Protheans. All of them. It wasn't war, it was slaughter. If we're going to have any chance against them, we need to get to Ilos and find out what the hell this Conduit does and stop Saren."
"I get that, Shepard. I have been listening, believe it or not." Ashley snarked, rolling her eyes. "But it doesn't change the fact that we aren't ready. We need help and we need rest. You need rest." Shepard's eyes narrowed as she spoke. The woman paused, her lips pressing into a hard line. "I mean it, Shepard. You need to get your head on straight. The team has been through enough without you ordering suicide runs."
The commander leaned forward marginally as a hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "You're doubting my command." The statement was quiet - a low, deep whisper. She didn't respect him anymore. Didn't want to follow him. He was going to lose her. The realization hit him hard.
"What?" Ashley's brow furrowed. "I don't doubt you, Shepard. I know you'll see us through this. I'm just worried."
"Then why do you believe I'd throw your lives away, Ash? I would never sacrifice…" Shepard's voice trailed and he was silent. His heart dropped, the sirens in his ears. The commander rolled his neck to clear his head. "That's it, right? You blame me."
The soldier gaped at him, then fixed the expression into one of rage. "Are you serious?" She snarled. "You know that's not true."
"You blamed me. And it's okay, it was me. He's dead because of me. But if you can't follow my command because of it, I need to know."
Ashley stood suddenly, the action smooth and agile and full of fury. She moved to stand before him. "Stop it!" She cuffed him, her hand smacking over the top of his head. "Stop blaming yourself. I didn't blame you. Or at least I don't anymore. I thought I did at first, but now…" She glared down at him. "It wasn't just you. It was me."
Shepard looked up at her, frowning. "What? Ash, it sure as hell wasn't your fault. You were caught in a bad situation."
"And so were you, so was Kaidan. It was a hellhole, Shepard. There wasn't a good way for that to end. But I didn't blame you for choosing me over Kaidan. But I did… I do blame us."
The commander's eyes narrowed, his brow creasing further. "That's why you haven't been talking to me? You don't want to do… this?" Words failed him, but anger and hurt and longing spiraled through him. He stood and she took a step back in surprise. "No one's said you have to. Walk away from it, if you want to so badly, if you think I'm so damn toxic. I'm not stopping you."His stomach lurched uncomfortably as an incredible sense of aloneness washed over him. I can't. Not without her.
"Damn it, Shepard, stop it!" Ashley hissed back, taking a step back towards him and shoving his chest. The touch sent electricity through him. "I never said that. Stop assuming the worst in everything, it's seriously getting old." The commander glared at her, steeling his resolve. She matched his intensity. "Stop trying to push me away, trying to push everyone away. You've been going off on anyone who looks at you wrong. I get it, you're mad, you've seen more than I can imagine, but stop being a dick and taking it out on us. And on the mission. And on yourself." Ashley shook her head, exasperated. "You're not thinking things through, not assessing risks. You're being reckless again." She paused, frowning a little. "It's like… You're losing your grip or something. I don't know. But I do know that even though you are, even though you're totally embodying Commander Asshole right now, I didn't sit by your bed all night and watch you struggle just so I could walk away. I'm not done with you yet."
Shepard was silent, his overfull brain trying to process her words. She wanted to stay? He couldn't comprehend it. He was moody, broody, and by her analysis a complete asshole. "Why? It doesn't sound like you particularly like me. Why bother?" Her brandy eyes met his and narrowed.
"God, you really are an idiot sometimes." Ashley scowled, and shoved him again. She was close now, and his heart was pulsing, full of tension and anxiety. "You're an amazing Commander, a great marine- when you're not being an ass. You captain the finest tin can in the Alliance fleet. And you're a good man, Shepard. This... It's not a bother. I -" The soldier frowned, glancing at the ground. He missed the warmth flooding her eyes and reached out to pull her chin back up. "I… want you to be happy." She pulled away, rolling her eyes at herself. Shepard's eyes widened as he was momentarily stunned.
He pulled her back. "Ash... I'm sorry. Fuck, I am an ass."
"Yep."
Shepard frowned, running his fingers over her cheek, down her jaw to her lips. "Why is it I always end up apologizing?" He felt her skin raise goosebumps under his touch, but her brown eyes didn't leave his.
"Because you're always the one being an idiot." Her lips moved under his thumb. He savored the feeling before his hand travelled down and around her neck. Ashley sighed, her eyes closing for a beat before reopening with an amused and mildly scolding look. "Skipper, our situation hasn't changed."
"Yeah…" Shepard's fingers wove themselves into her hair, finding the tie that secured it back and pulling it free. The soldier rolled her eyes, her lips curling into a smirk. His blood heated as he watched them part. She was so damn beautiful, so distracting. He felt the haze of the last few days evaporate as his gaze drifted downwards.
"You know, we're still Alliance marines. On the Normandy. In a very public room." Her hand pulled his jaw back up to meet her gaze, her brow arched comically.
"Yeah." The anger, the regret in his voice had been replaced by a deep, rumbling want. She took a slow, steadying breath, eyes closing again as his hand curled in the hair at the back of her neck, the other wrapping around her waist. Fuck, I need this. He pulled her closer.
"And you have a Council to call to, you know, save humanity and the rest of the galaxy. Those aliens aren't going to wait around." Her voice was low, husky, but her hand rested against his chest and pushed him back subtlety. Disapproval rumbled in his chest. Ashley grinned. "Aw, come on, Skipper. No time to waste, remember?" The soldier pulled herself free of him.
"Ash…" Shepard frowned as she repeated his words, reality hitting him again in full force. He just wanted to escape it. He just wanted her.
"You'll get us through this, Commander. Start believing it." Something devilish flooded her brandy eyes. "Maybe then I'll show you what a hellcat I am off the battlefield, too." The soldier's lips curved into a sensuous smirk and Shepard inhaled a sharp breath. His heart raced as he was left with a different kind of tension. She turned and sashayed to the door with her ever-present confidence. His eyes found her hips, baggy casuals doing little to mask her curves. Damn. "And stop staring at my ass, ass."
Shepard allowed himself a smirk. She always had a way of making it better, making it okay again. Despite everything, she was still the same. Still confident. Still so damn strong. And so fucking hot. He watched her go and took a breath, trying to cool his blood. Trying to focus himself, steel his resolve for this meeting with the Council. He'd sent off the basics of the mission in a report while he was still confined to the medbay, but it had been days. The time had flown by in a haze, the imaginary and reality blurring together. He knew that hadn't just magically changed. That tonight he'd dream again of Kaidan and Toombs and his unit, of Cass and his father, but he'd had a moment – a moment with her in which he didn't feel like screaming or running or fighting. For now, that was enough.
He stepped forward with one last deep breath. "Joker."
"Uh, Commander? That you?" The pilot's astonished voice sounded in the comm room.
"Yes, Joker." Shepard rolled his eyes at the intercom. "I need the Council. Patch me through."
"On it. I'll try to set up a link." The pilot was far more compliant than usual. It made Shepard's brow crease in confusion. "Got 'em. Patching you through."
"Commander Shepard." The asari councilor beamed at him. "I'm glad to see your mission on Virmire was a success." Oh, fuck you. Shepard's mouth set in a grimace.
"Yes. Saren is formidable enough without an army of krogan behind him." Sparatus drawled, looking as pleased as ever to be dealing with the human Spectre.
"Virmire was not a success. The krogan were the least of our problems. Saren still has Sovereign. He still has the Reapers closing in on us. We need to get ready for an attack."
"Yes…" Valern paused, and the three Councilors shared a conspiratorial glance. Shepard's fists clenched. "We saw mention of this in your report. Sovereign – a sentient machine. A true race of artificial intelligences." The salarian's holograph eyed Shepard with obvious speculation. "This news is quite alarming… if it turns out to be accurate."
"You have to be shitting me!" Shepard's thin veil of composure was torn. "Sovereign is a Reaper. Saren even admitted to it!"
Sparatus' mandibles fluttered in amusement. "He's playing you, Shepard. Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones about your 'visions'," He paused, letting his obviously low opinion of them be known, "And the Reapers."
Valern nodded. "It's highly possible Saren is using false information to throw you off balance. Our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information."
"Oh, this is fucking great. You're just going to ignore me? Again? What's the point of making me a Spectre if you disregard all information I bring to you?" Deep breaths. Shepard eyed the disconnect button.
"Try to see this from our perspective, Commander. Saren is a threat we can understand." Tevos sounded as patronizing as ever. "However, as far as we know, the Reapers only exist in your… visions." The three aliens watched him with scrutiny.
"Let me guess, you can't take any official action here?"
Tevos gave him a shrewd, annoyed look. "That is correct, Commander. If you truly believe these Reapers are a threat, it is you who must take action against them. That is why the Council has the Spectres."
"So you're just going to allow Saren to pour over the galaxy with his geth? They're not going to just stop at human colonies. Saren and the Reapers will come for everything, destroy everything. You need to prepare the fleet!" Shepard clenched the console in front of him. How the fuck can they be so blind. "We know where Saren is heading - to Ilos. The Conduit is there, it's what he's been looking for this whole time. Whether you believe me or not about the Reapers, you have to know that even he alone is a threat. We need to get there before he swarms the Citadel. Strike against him before he hurts anyone else."
The councilors were silent for a moment. They exchanged looks, all remaining coolly impassive. Tevos, diplomatic as ever, spoke up.
"We will… consider this, Commander, and alert you once we have come to a decision." The two others said nothing. Tevos nodded. "Until we speak again, Commander."
Their holographs flickered out, and Shepard felt as if he was stuck right back where he started.
