Sorry…um…about that. Where were we? Um…do forgive me if I am distracted…uh…cause…well…the nurse…I think she put something in my cup of tea. So, if I…um…get a little off track…forgive me.
So, uh, yeah, where was I? Oh right, ugh, something about finding out that half of the Vanaardians were demons, and this dominatrix was Lucifer's right-hand thingy. Um, I think I just need to gather my thoughts, because a lot has happened and my brain cannot comprehend my thoughts.
So, right, um, I am under the Celestial Twins' control to close up all portals to stop the Others from grabbing villains from the story to take over the world, right. I haven't…um…what's the word…? Okayed! That is the word. Okayed this with the Good Guys and I might ruin many people's livelihoods and make me the actual one of those evil dudes who think they are doing the right thing but they aren't.
I am targeted because I am a Chosen One who knows stupid fandom shit and am at an age to create children that look the poor mutant Jerrod, and my knowledge can take over the world or something. I don't know anymore.
And since I have messed up the timeline so much, I might have created an unstable reality, and given the Others an opportunity to take over the Universes.
TL;DR: I done fucked up, mate.
Now that we all know…er…um…we are on the all same page…Are we all same the page? the same page, I can continue…Maybe after I have, have…sl…
XXX
Whoa, ok, sorry about that. And sorry for the drool on the page. I swear it was not intentional.
Right, ok, so where were we. Oh yeah, Janus was telling me about how I contributed to their Ultimate Plan and crap.
Janus gave a linting laugh when she saw the look of absolute horror on my face. God, that laugh. I can still hear it in my ears…oh wait, sorry…that is the chick next door. She has a new hobby of gathering laughs for different occasions. Just, just don't ask.
Anyway, so she left with her two pets on her lead while I was left there with my blood pooling inside my feet. I was a bit dizzy at this point. Never have I wanted more for my powers to not be limited to stupid portals. My hands were useless; my neck was about to snap and I prayed to God, the only time I have ever prayed to Him, to just put me out of my misery. I should have at least been able to make the chains disappear, or at least, the very goddamn least, been able to self-heal. I thought about what Loki taught me, and whether I could actually do it, or if my Gram-Gram blessed me with a weirdly specific type of magic. Like why couldn't it be more Hollywood like when the hero hits rock bottom and sudden they can summon all of this strength to control the universe. Alas, this is real life and apparently, it doesn't work like that.
"What have you done, Mace?" Natasha said from across the room.
If I could have shrugged, I would have. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Natasha gave a humourless laugh. "You don't know!? The great and powerful Justice Mace finally admits that she has been walking blindfolded through a minefield. It is lucky that you have survived this far."
"Look, Romanoff, I never asked to be descended from an ancient viscous race, ok, and become the frikken Chosen One. I just tried to do what I thought was right."
"None of us asked to be heroes, Mace. Steve is the only exception to the rule, but even he didn't know what he got himself into. Yet somehow, we didn't get ourselves, at any point, trapped in a magical castle with a psycho about to take over the world!"
"Oh, that is hypocritical coming from the lady who literally got locked in a castle when a psychotic robot tried to take over the world!" I shouted back.
The look on her face was priceless, yet she continued to fight me.
"That is different…"
"How so…?"
"It just is!"
"Oh, my God you two, shut up!" Scott suddenly shouted. Natasha and I turned to him. "It doesn't matter how we have got here; the main thing is that there is still a bunch of evil dudes out there with the Amulet. We came here to get the damn Amulet, so we shall get the damn Amulet."
I was surprised that Ant-Man could actually frighten me. I mean the movies portray him as a fluffy smol bean, but in actuality, he could scare the shit out of a rhino.
"Ok, and how do you suggest we do this?" I asked.
"You are going to teleport us out of here."
"Um, if you haven't noticed, I would have done that before if I could. These iron glove things are anti-magic."
"I am not stupid. Of course, I know that you can't teleport. We are going to ask Jerrod to free us."
I frowned. Like how in the hell was that pre-pubescent pensioner going to ever let us go.
"Sure, right. I am going to offer him some playboy magazines in exchange for our freedom."
Scott had a look on his face. You know the one when you say something absurd but your mate thinks it is the best idea in the world. Yeah, that one.
"Please tell me you are joking." I closed my eyes and sighed.
"Ok, you come up with a better idea. How about that."
My mind was drained from thoughts. All magic was useless, so we had to resort to the physical. Yeah, not going to lie, I was stumped. Deus Ex-Machina was literally what I needed at that point. I mean, some serious intervention from the gods were needed.
Celestial Beings, please for the love of everything good in this world, get us out of here. My neck hurts and I am pretty sure that I am getting thrombosis. Like, you literally said you would, like, protect me and shit. Please, oh please, give me a plot device to continue…(alright, so I didn't say the last sentence, but Y'all are thinking it).
There was, of course, no answer. I groaned. I can't believe I had to resort to plan A.
"Hey, Jerrod! Come in here."
There was a lot of grumbling and moaning from the other side of the door. Poor old Jerrod looked like he was about to expire.
"What?"
"If you get us out, I will give you the latest Playboy magazine."
XXX
"I did not think that would actually work," I said as I flung the magazine through the portal I made.
We were at home and with our latest anti-climactic adventure, we all felt that we needed a rest. I just happened to go through some of Tony's stuff to find an old copy of Playboy. I couldn't be arsed to buy a new one.
I explained what had happened to Tony and Company. Everything from joining Scott Lange, to the failure of Scott Lange, to being caught because of Scott Lange. Loki was more than happy to heal my neck for me, which led to him caressing my shoulders, which led us to escape to my bedroom when Natasha explained the next step of the plan. I know, I know! I thought I was over him as well, but you must have felt his hands. They were soft and warm, and…uh…maybe I should stop. The nurses rush into here if my heart rate increases too much.
Anyway, besides that, I now had to go back into that hellhole to retrieve all of our equipment, plus Serea. My word, through all of that action, I forgot about my poor little Serea. God only knew what those monsters were doing to her. I knew I had to go back but there were a few things on my checklist that I had to do first.
One: I went to visit Bucky and Steve. It would have been so fucking useful if I had Serea so I could show him the first Cap. America movie.
I went down to the medical centre. The further I walked in, the more…stressful…the doctors and nurses seemed. They gave me a look, like 'are you crazy, woman! You are about to walk into the lion's den.' But I ignored them. I tally-forward to the room where Bucky was. The room was guarded with four heavily armed guards. When I went past a point, they aimed their weapons at me.
"State your business," one said.
"Uh…I am here to visit James Buchanan Barnes and Cap Rogers."
"I suggest you don't go through."
I rolled my eyes. If you really want to something, get a portal to do it. I flicked my hand and jumped through the next room before they could even stop me. I probably had a few seconds before like a cage collapsed around me or something, but I had to see them.
Or not.
In this case, it was a huge fat nope.
I just closed the portal behind me when I saw Cap and Bucky in…um…a very…uh, interesting position. I am pretty sure you have to dislocate five bones to do what they were doing.
And the sounds! God, that scared me more than hearing Trump trying to make a coherent sentence. The 'oohhhss' and 'ahhhhss' and 'you hit the spot' made me realise how interesting the outside world is.
I jumped out just as quickly as I went in. I could hear giggling from the guard.
"You should have listened to me."
"Oh, go and fuck yourself," I replied, irritated to the maximum.
"Nah, the room is already taken." The laughter expanded throughout the room, even the guard who was on floor duty laughed at me.
I turned to him and I said, "you are not going to think this so funny when you have to clean up in there."
If I had a mic, I would have dropped it. Shame, all focus went on that poor sod.
XXX
The second thing I had to do was to visit Gram-Gram and Thren and explain to them what I did. But that is the story for next time. What? Do you know how difficult it is to leave cliff-hangers in the perfect place? Oh…I suppose you are going to read this all at once, huh…well then turn the page. What are you still doing here reading this?
