I don't like this chapter.


It was the first day of the new ED. Bella was in early, she'd got a lift from Nick, and they and the team were looking for the light switch. Bella felt a hand brush against her. "Lenny, keep your hands to yourself?"

"How did you know it was me?"

Bella smiled to herself. "Good guess."

Charlie laughed, "Actually that was me."

Bella laughed too. And then there was a crash, directly in front of her. Scarlet had collided with a chair, "Ouch."

And Bella walked straight into her. "Sorry. My bad hun."

Nick was feeling across the wall. "I'll see if I can find some lights."

Lenny was probably grinning. "Hey, will I get on office?"

Zoe replied in a tone that implied sarcasm, "Why would you .get an office?"

Everyone laughed.

Bella walked into Scarlet again. "Sorry sorry sorry." She stepped backwards holding her hands out to prevent any further accidents, "Any luck with the lights Nick?"

Big Mac complained, as usual "Brand new E.D, can't even find the lights."

Nick stood up as the lights turned on. The staff gave a collective gasp of wows and blimeys. Bella raised her eyebrows and grinned at Nick. He turned on the microphone. "Ready for Anything?"

.

Zoe, Bella and Linda were getting resus ready, everything was still in its plastic wrapping, when Big Mac came in to tell them they were going to do "THE THING." They were rewarding Scarlett with a special emergency department mug for her bravery on the night of the fire. She had run into the flames to save a man, something that had got her told off by everyone at the time, but Bella and the rest of the team admired her for it. Linda, as curious as ever, "So Dylan hasn't called you? Doesn't he owe you an explanation?"

"I'm not really interested in hearing it." Dylan had called once, early in the morning after the fire. Bella had watched it ring, not daring or wanting to answer.

Zoe added. "Oh come on, all the time he's been working here, and not once did he mention that he's married."

Bella shrugged, "He's separated."

Zoe grinned, "So you are interested?"

"Look, it's not like we were even 'together' properly. We broke up. We- I don't want to talk about it."

As always, Zoe's interrogation was persistent, "Looked pretty proper to me. And you came out of the E.D holding hands?"

"It was a burning building! We thought we were going to die- he was just being nice- Just leave it. Go away."

Linda grinned and winked at Zoe. "Looks like we're going to have to get yous drunk and torture you till you confess."

"I'd like to see you try." Bella was putting on a brave face, something she had a lot of practice doing, but really the mention of Dylan's name was enough to make her stomach twist with hurt... and longing.

Noel interrupted them with his speech to Scarlet, and Bella was glad for an excuse to finish the conversation so she pretend to listen.

.

Bella was exiting the staffroom when she saw a picture of Dylan and Sam on their wedding day pinned to the door. Great. She scowled and screwed it up into a ball and threw it in Dylan's direction. It bounced off his head and into his hands. Bella bounced up to Charlie, pretending to have nothing to do with the paper missile. "I take it we're up and running?"

"Yup, the paramedics are requesting a Doc, I take it you want to get out of here?"

"Defiantly, thanks Charlie." Bella knew she was going to have to be a grown up and face Dylan at some point, and she knew that she was being childish, but she would rather not have an audience.

She went to get her stuff, bumping into Sam. She was just saved from an awkward conversation by Dylan's outburst. He had unscrewed the paper-ball she had thrown at him. "Contrary to popular belief, the camera does lie, for the most part of our marriage we were miserable as I am sure Dr-" Dylan turned around to see both Sam and Bella standing there looking at him. He only paused for a second. "Dr Nichols would agree, wouldn't you Dr Nichols?" Bella shook her head and left the silence for everyone else to enjoy.

.

Bella arrived on the scene, and jumped out of the Ambulance car. Jeff and Dixie were standing ten feet away from a lorry that was twisted up with a car. A man was lying next to it surrounded by firemen. She guessed that there was some issue with gas or something. She reached Jeff and Dixie, "Is he still talking?"

Dix nodded. "GCS was 13, stats of 97, he had 10 of morphine, Jeff got a line in."

"Was?"

"Yeah, we were told to stand clear of the lorry."

Bella looked around, "Well, when can we get back in there?"

A fire-chief interrupted. "Depends, but who the hell are you?"

"Dr Bella Jordan, Holby City E.D. He's bleeding out, he needs a blood transfusion or he's going to die. Do you fancy all that paperwork?"

Dixie and Jeff smiled to themselves. Arguing with two paramedics was one thing, but Bella was a force to be recognized. The fire-chief was having none of it, thinking of the health and safety paperwork. "He's already in trouble."

Bella stepped forward, "Look, I know what I'm doing, I can work with your team."

The fire-chief stepped in her way, "You wanna work with us, stand there and do as your told."

One of the fireman over with the man interrupted them by standing up and calling out to the fire-chief, "Boss, we're losing him."

Bella looked at Jeff and Dixie, not needing to ask the question that was in all of their minds. As soon as a patient was in danger of dying protocol went out of the window, even for Dixie. They nodded in reply and all three of them danced around the fire-chief and ran towards the casualty.

The fire-chief called after them "Hey, do not go near that vehicle."

Bella ignored him, and began to treat the man. "Can you just get on with cutting him out?" She added as an afterthought, always be polite, "Please."

.

Back in the ED, Nick was waiting for a casualty from the helicopter with Zoe. "Where's Bella?"

"She went to the accident scene, the lorry and car RTC."

Nick shook his head, he had told Bella that she shouldn't exert herself now she was pregnant, but no, she had to do exactly the opposite to what she is told.

.

Bella was jogging to look at another patient, which she knew she probably shouldn't be doing but this was the sort of work she loved. Another car had collided with the barrier. She was about halfway across the road when the explosion happened. She stopped dead in her tracks, and looked over to the source. A smoke cloud was rising above a group of houses. "What the hell? That is so not good."

The fire-chief ran to his car, and Bella followed him. She jumped in. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I just fancied a look inside."

"Get out."

"Well I'm in now, so you might as well take me."

The fire-chief shook his head. "This is not happening."

"Just get in and drive."

The fire-chief sighed and turned the key in the ignition. He recognized the look, not one that could be argued with. Bella put the seatbelt on with a satisfied smile, but the main focus of her thoughts were on the explosion that she had just witnessed. "It's got to be gas."

The fire-chief snorted, obviously not thinking much of the thought that went behind Bella's assumption, "In your professional opinion."

"I've seen plenty of explosions before..."

He was still skeptical, "A firework display?"

Bella found the fireman's manner irritating, she didn't normally talk about her time in the army, preferring to avoid the subject at all costs, but the cocky arrogance provoked a response out of her, "Afghanistan, actually. A warzone. You ever been?"

The fire-chief turned to the doctor who had jumped into the front seat of his car without a second thought or an invitation. She looked too petite to be a soldier, he looked again at her slender arms finding them actually to be lean with muscle. "Medical Corp, aren't you lot supposed to be good a following orders?"

"Only if they are the right ones." She pulled a hip-flask out of the open glove compartment. "So it usually depends who's giving them."

He turned to look, "How- it's a shared car. Never seen it before."

"Yeah, yeah-" Bella grinned. "Then you won't mind if I keep it."

The fire-chief snatched it back quickly. "You really are a cocky lil-"He stopped, the words dying on his tongue. The explosion site had just come into view.

Bella blinked. "Bloody hell." She didn't waste time with any more conversation and jumped out and ran towards the nearest casualty.

.

She was handing a patient over to the Air ambulance guys. "Blast injuries, flash burns. Breathing compromised taking in a lot of smoke."

The doctor looked concerned. "Sounds like you have too."

Bella shrugged. "So-so, I'm all right."

He gestured to the helicopter. "You wanna come with us?"

Bella shook her head. "Na, I'm gonna stay. They need someone down here."

"You sure, we can swap?"

Bella smiled. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm fine."

The other air ambulance guy interrupted. "Don't thank him, He just doesn't want to go back up there again. Scared of flying."

Bella grinned. "But EC135 is a safe model."

The other ambulance guy winked. "Pretty, she's a doctor and she knows her helicopters. Marry me."

Bella grinned, because he really wanted a knocked-up, screwed-up ex-prostitute with her own helicopter full of baggage. She went over to the Fire chief, pointing to some gas that was lifting off some barrels.

She coughed. "What is that?"

The fire-chief coughed too. "Get everyone clear now. And that includes you."

Bella rolled her eyes, knowing that she would be the last one out if she had anything to do with it

.

Nick went into resus to announce that they were looking at a Chemical Incident. Dylan, Nick, Zoe, Sam and Lenny were all in there. Nick frowned, he had one doctor missing. "Is Bella back yet?" He turned to the air ambulance crew. "Have you seen a Doctor Jordan on your travels?"

Tom Kent nodded, "I guess she's the slim woman with dark brown hair that knows about helicopters?"

Nick nodded, "That would be Bella."

"Then she's on the site of the explosion?"

Nick frowned. "How did she get there? Definitely Bella anyway."

Tom shrugged, "Probably with the fire crew."

Nick was worried now, it was just like Bella to get herself into a mess helping other people. He looked over to Dylan, who was looking similarly worried. He still hadn't forgiven Dylan for his revelation on the night of the fire but he and Dylan were the only two people who knew about Bella's pregnancy. They shared a silent look that spoke volumes.

.

The fire-chief, Martsen was his name, was organizing evacuation, Bella called him over. "I need some people down here, these wounded aren't going to move themselves."

"I can get you two extra bodies, but if that cloud gets any nearer you run. Understand?"

"Fine, yeah, whatever." Bella was concentrating on giving her patient drugs.

"Not whatever. You run."

"Yes sir, captain, sir."

Bella decided it was time to go, she noticed a man struggling to get up. She hoisted him up, and began to help him. It was hard. She was exhausted and struggling to breathe and the cloud of gas was getting closer. She had to pause frequently. "I'm going to tell you a secret. I'm pregnant, and if my dad saw me now he would actually kill me. And as for the father-" The man she was helping was barely conscious. She realized that she wasn't going to make it with him. Bella didn't leave people behind, not again, but she had to think about the baby she had said she was going to protect. No one would help her. "What is wrong with you people?" She dropped him, and ran. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

She ran into Martsen, the fire-chief. "There's another one in there. I couldn't get him out."

Matsen caught Bella's shoulder, "Alright, Alright, take it easy."

"You need to get the suits down here."

"Anyone who's got a suit is in the far center of the estate."

"Then call them?" Bella was wheezing, bent over double. "Call them now."

"Go to the car park. Tell them we need help up here." And then he ran towards the fog.

"Don't be stupid. Martsen. Martsen!" Bella screamed after him. "Come back."

She turned and ran, she needed to get help.

.

Bella was decontaminated, and she had checked herself over, she was completely fine but she waited at the scene for news of Martsen. She went with him in the air ambulance. "What the hell do you think you were doing?"

Martsen croaked. "My job."

"Yeah, well, that puts me in the relatives room with a grieving wife."

Marsten wheezed, "Separated. You?"

"Never got married, probably never will now."

Martsen grinned as much as he could, he knew that look. "What's he like?"

"Sweet, funny, infuriating, pigheaded. Technically married to one of my colleagues. Long story. How about you? What was she like?"

"Like you." He moaned with pain and began to shudder.

"Martsen, come on stay with me." They were nearly at the E.D

.

Bella was helping push the trolley with Martsen on. "This in John Martsen, got caught in the vapor and collapsed. Lungs took a hit, lot of skin burns."

Nick nodded, "Straight through. No, not you Bella." He pulled her aside. "What the hell were you doing?"

"My job."

"You have to stop doing this."

"Okay, it was irresponsible, but I'm fine. We were together through this, I know him, he'll be expecting me"

"That's why you need to step back. Too involved again. Go get the both of you checked out. I'll handle this." He looked at Dylan who offered to take Bella to cubicles. She refused, "I'm fine. I can get a nurse if I want one."

.

Bella was sitting in the corner of the doctors office. It was quiet, everyone else was busy. She had borrowed a hand held doppler from a cubicle, the baby was fine. And if the baby was fine she was probably fine to. But that diagnosis wasn't good enough for Tess who sent Bella away every time that she attempted to look at a patient. So the floor of the doctor's office was where she was waiting for Martsen to come out of resus. Bella had always been uncomfortable sitting on a floor or a desktop. She had a vehement dislike for chairs, dating back from a time before she could remember. She had good memories from this little office. It had originally been shared between herself, Maggie, Adam and Zoe. Those had been the good days. She had been the nervy, anxious trust doctor with a wicked sense of humour and a temper rarely held at bay. It had been the company of calm, generous Maggie Coldwell, light-hearted, fun loving Adam and relaxed, easy-going Zoe turned Bella into the person she was. Maggie's calm reassuring hand on the shoulder when Bella got too involved. Bella could almost hear the Yorkshire accent backing her up in an argument with Harry. Doing shots with Adam in pub after work, drinking a large G and T with Zoe in a nameless bar. Adam had taught her to laugh again, Zoe had taught her to party again. Two people, without which Bella would have struggled to stay sane without. But out of the original four, and the rest of the team, Toby, Ruth, Kelsey, Harry, Abs, Nadia- only she and Zoe remained. So much had changed, yet Bella felt exactly the same. She found tears welling up in her eyes. Bloody hormones. She was still wearing the ridiculous clothes they gave after you had been decontaminated. She let the tears flow down her face. She didn't even know what she was crying for. Her unborn child, Martsen, every person she had ever seen die, her mother, the anonymous tramp on the street corner, hopelessness, loneliness, isolation, anger and hatred. The door hinge whined as two brown brogues opened the door. She froze. She knew those shoes. Dylan paused at the door. "I'll just-"

Bella knew that this was going to happen at some point, now was as good as any other. It was going to be horrible and her mood could hardly get any worse. She heaved herself up. "Dylan."

Dylan let go of the door and shut with a whine and a bang. Bella flinched.

Dylan swallowed. "I'm sorry."

Bella blinked, actually surprised. "Have you ever said that before?"

Dylan half-scowled defensively. "Yes I have. This is the part where you are supposed to apologize for running around in a cloud of toxic gas."

"I don't quite see what my actions have to do with you."

Dylan appeared to have difficulty getting words out. "Bella. You are the mother of my child. You can't just go running off to save everyone from a toxic cloud of gas just because you feel like saving the day. You don't have to prove that-"

"Oh yes because my personal glory was completely my motivation for doing my job."

"No Isabella, you are a doctor. It isn't your job to risk your life to save other people. You let the firemen do that and then you save their lives."

"I do not watch people die anymore Dylan." Bella turned on her heel and then turned back again, she was struggling to keep her cool. She had promised herself that she would do this calmly. "This isn't going to work. I lied-" Bella saw his face, "Just let me speak, Okay, I hid the truth about my pregnancy and you hid the truth about your wife. And I can't do untruth and lies and secrets, that is why I ended it." Bella looked up at the sky, "Goddamit Dylan. I loved you. I would have done anything for you. I still love you. But love isn't a guarentee, not for me anyway. And I'm sorry." Bella was close to tears, "I'm sorry. I've got to go."

Dylan opened his mouth to reply but Bella wouldn't let him, "No. Don't say anything. I'm going." Bella slipped past him and out of the door. Dylan pushed after her. "Bella!" But she didn't even turn to look back.

.

Bella was sitting in a chair, next to Martsen, waiting for him to wake up, fighting to stay awake herself. Someone came in the door. It was Sam. Bella tried not to look worried. The other doctor smiled, "I bought you a coffee."

Bella smiled in relief, and gestured for Sam to pull up a chair next to her. "Cheers." She took the coffee, not drinking it, but using it to warm her hands.

They sat in silence for a moment.

Sam spoke first. "I wanted to clear things up between us."

Bella nodded. "Go ahead."

"Dylan and I were never happy, our marriage- you probably don't want to hear this do you?" Sam looked at Bella's tired, red-rimmed eyes, straggly hair and pale face. "You look terrible."

The corner of Bella's mouth twitched. "Umm. Thanks."

Sam almost blushed. "I didn't mean to-"

Bella smiled. "I was joking. I do look awful."

"Are you okay?"

Bella shook her head. "I really don't know what to do."

"I'm probably not the person you want to hear this from, but Dylan is a really nice guy, he's-"

"Oh no, not that. That's the least of my problems right now, trust me."

"A problem shared is a problem halved?"

Bella laughed dryly. "You don't want to know."

"Look, I know we've never been close friends, but I honestly admire you for what you do. I can't even imagine how strong you must be."

Bella hummed a single line to a song. She blinked. Her mind had been making links to the past too frequently since she had become pregnant. She sighed. "I'm pregnant, Sam." She watched slowly to gauge the young doctor's reaction. Surprise, maybe even guilt, and then a mask of control slipped over her features. Sam swallowed. "Does Dylan know?"

Bella nodded.

"And are you keeping it?"

"I don't know how much you know about my childhood, but it wasn't a happy one. I found my mother in a pool of blood in the bathroom when I was 5. I can barely remember her, a couple of photo's, imagined memories, weird dreams. And she was the only positive role model I ever had. Uncle Jerry was abusive - He pretty much sold me to the local pimp when I was 12. I can't bring up a child, I didn't have a childhood- the army is the only family I ever knew. You know what that's like, yes? And they got rid of me too. Do I sound strong now?"

"You love Dylan, don't you?"

Bella answered without thinking. She was many things, but she didn't lie. "Yes."

"Doesn't that tell you what you have to do?"

Bella looked at the younger woman, in some ways she was wiser than Bella would ever be, in others ways she would never understand what it was like to be in Bella's head. Bella had to make this decision herself. "Thanks for the coffee Sam. Sorry, I can't talk to you about Dylan. It's too weird."

Sam nodded. "I've got to go." She got up and walked to the door. She paused. "I'm getting a divorce. Something I should have done years ago." Bella watched her leave without replying and settled down in her chair. It was going to be a long night.