disclaimer
I, Kagura Fuujinnomai do not own Bankotsu, Jakotsu, Suzaku, Hiten or any of the other characters associated with the Inuyasha series.
(Although I wish I did own those adorable, wonderful, super kawaii, sexy little sons of...ahem! anyways)
I get nothing from writing my Fanfics.
I am simply a fangirl who wishes to share her passion with the rest of the world.
- sincerely,

Kagura Fuujinnomai

Not For All The World

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Diamonds Born of Tears


"Bankotsu, what's wrong?"

His beautiful head ground against his locker. The frustration shook his entire body and eventually began to leak from those miserable blue eyes. "You can tell me…"

He ignored the concerned questioning of his best friend, banging his head again into the cold metal. "Ban, If there's anything I can d-" "Shut up Rai-Chan!"

Hiten scoffed; indignant. "Your girlfriend's cheating on you again, huh?"

"Shut up!"

Hiten watched his best friend from a courteous distance. He couldn't tell if Bankotsu was sobbing or growling. "Just leave me alone, Rai-Chan…" those miserable lips mumbled. They were already wet with tears. "You don't understand what it feels like…"

"What what feels like?" he challenged.

"Being betrayed by someone you love!" Bankotsu grit out, still refusing to look at Hiten.
"You have no idea how much it hurts to pour your heart out into someone, to give them everything! Only to have them leave anyway…"

Bankotsu startled, not having realized just how close Hiten had moved to him. Those strong arms pulled him away from the lockers and held him close. "Help me understand then," he whispered, "Tell me what it's like." Careful fingers wiped the tears from Bankotsu's face as he leaned back, shutting his eyes against the misery of reality.

"It feels like a knife to your chest. Like something inside of you is cut up and bleeding. Like you might die. And then worst of all… you open your eyes and realize…
You're still breathing."


-----------------

The handcuffs were removed. He could write now, at least. Blue ink. He hated it. Normally he would insist on green to match his ChibiSu's eyes, but today he had more important things to worry about.

"This is gonna be a cakewalk!" The sharply dressed lawyer bragged. He was carrying many other documents that he wanted signed. "Trust me Midari-Sama, I'll have you out of that hellhole in a week tops! You'll be right back on top of the company!"

"Excellent." Kujaku mumbled vaguely, signing his name on each form as they wandered down into the train station. "We're taking the express?"

"Yes sir, I believe in doing everything fast!" That fake grin bragged, "Like I said, one week tops! I've ensured that not even your wife will be able to touch the estate. The company is awaiting your return! They can't believe all this media bullshit! Incest?! Yeah right! We can make that disappear in a heartbeat!"

"Oh, I know." Kujaku waved him off as they stood waiting on the train, "So the financials are covered. That's very nice. But when will I be able to-"

"Midari-Sama please step away from the yellow line."

Kujaku growled as he took a step back. "I'm not a child. I know its dangerous to stand near the train tracks…" Just as he said this a train roared past, shaking the entire platform. His long red hair whipped about with the wind it stirred up, but Kujaku hardly noticed. "Anyway as I was saying. When will I get to see my son?"

The fake grin suddenly vanished from his lawyer's face. The pressed shirt and suave hair looked positively ridiculous when the confidence was gone… "Is that a joke?" He wondered, and then the smile returned as he offered a hearty laugh. "Midari-sama that would be quite impossible! I'm the best in the business but I'm not superman! Your son may as well be dead for the likelihood of your ever speaking to the boy again. Not that it really matters since-"

Those lips were still moving. The people bustled to and fro and more trains roared past, shaking the very ground beneath his feet, but Kujaku Midari heard none of this. He turned one of those documents over and carefully recorded a message on the blank side of it. The pen snapped in his hands, mimicking the silent ruptures in his chest. He placed his note on the ground, nodded politely to his lawyer, and promptly hopped over the yellow line, onto the train tracks. His vision was blurry. Bright white lights sparkled; diamonds born of tears.


The bloodspatter painted the walls.

Hiten Raiyuki didn't care. He shook his arm once again, watching the little flecks of red fly.
He wanted everyone to see this, the product of the heartache he'd hidden for so many years.
'I hate you!' those sweet lips had said.

"I love you, I love you…" He whispered, forcing the blade back into his arm. 'Bankotsu'
That scarlet kanji glared up at him, reflecting the most desperate desire of his suffering heart. 'Forever' they had promised. But that was ruined now. Surely Bankotsu's love for him had swirled right down those drains along with that dirty water and Jakotsu's blood.

'You have no idea how much it hurts to pour your heart out into someone, to give them everything! Only to have them leave anyway…'

"Well now I do," Hiten scoffed. "Satisfied now, Ban?"


History repeat itself, like the merciless stroke of a rapist's fury.
So here Hiten sat, two years later, with everything he wanted slipping through his fingers.

'Grief.' That's what they called this. Now he fully understood what Bankotsu meant.

'It feels like a knife to your chest. Like something inside of you is cut up and bleeding. Like you might die. And then worst of all… you open your eyes and realize…
You're still breathing.'

Hiten couldn't think of anything else. Only that beautiful body pressed to Jakotsu's. Those sweet pink lips tasting sultry red ones… The pain it caused was like nothing he'd ever felt before, so much worse than the bloody scars on his arm or the new puncture wounds that he'd covered up on his neck.

Why had his SuChan done such a terrible thing? He didn't know. It didn't make any sense! How could his sweet, innocent pet crawl out of bed with him and then hop in with Jakotsu so soon afterward?

Suzaku lacked for nothing. Nothing. Hiten was more than willing to provide anything he could dream of. Love, money, strawberries, sex, whatever! 'So why the fuck would he want Jakotsu instead!?'

What was the deal? How was it that everyone he'd ever loved wanted Jakotsu instead? Maybe SuChan would have left him, just like Bankotsu. Perhaps it was better that Hiten walk away before he wound up with another person's name to add to the scars on his arm...

Oh, it was so unfair. 'Jakotsu doesn't love you like I do.' That's what he wanted to say. He wanted to selfishly cling, even if Suzaku truly did want someone else instead... Pathetic. Just thinking of it made him absolutely miserable...

'But at least... Suzaku's not hurt.'
How pathetic, that he would worry for the safety of the one who'd ripped his heart out and stepped on it...

'I should have fucking killed him…'
But love had finally won out over his more aggressive nature and Hiten noted that little spark of hope. It was a small victory. He knew how to control the anger now, but that wouldn't do any good if he couldn't stand to face his treacherous lover again…

How was it even possible to feel something like this; wry, annoying joy in the face of sheer misery? That stupid, useless emotion known as love; obnoxious hope that just could not be snuffed out...
'Maybe I should just kill myself instead…'

"Raiyuki-Sama you are fucking psychotic!"

Hiten didn't even bother to say anything in response to the furious secretary who'd just burst into his office."What the fuck is your problem!?" Tekkei persisted, nudging her stubborn boss who lay facedown on his desk, trying his best to ignore her. "Raiyuki, you just storm in here after skipping out for days, you fire three people for no apparent reason, and now you refuse to do anything but stare at your desk! What is the deal?!"

"Shut up Tekkei."

"Don't you tell me to shut up! I'm the only one doing any work in this fucking office! If I shut up then who the hell is going to pick up the phone that you've been ignoring all day?!"

Hiten put his hands to his head, slamming it against the desk and causing his secretary to startle. "Stop that! You're going to cause brain dama- Oh my God…" She leaned closer to him, trying to touch his face, but he shoved her away, turning swiftly away with his hands over his face. "Just leave, Tekkei…"

"Raiyuki-sama are you crying?!"

"Shut up!" He rubbed furiously at the tears that wouldn't stop, refusing to look at her, even as she knelt beside him with a comforting hand on his shoulder. The anger had disappeared completely from Tekkei's voice. "I didn't mean to yell, Raiyuki-Sama. Tell me what to do and I'll fix the problem, whatever it is."

"You can't fix it!" He jerked away from her touch, tugging miserably on his long dark hair.
"No one can fix it…"

"What's happened?" She persisted, "Something happened with your wife?"
Hiten glared hard at his bookcase, refusing to respond to her gentle prodding. Absently his eyes wandered over each of his awards, trophies, and expansive book collection. Once upon a time he thought things like this were essential. Football cups and 'honorable mentions' and whatever other stupid little tokens people strove to collect. But none of it mattered now. None of the 9's in his checkbook or the promotions, or even his sleek luxury car. None of it meant anything.

The only thing that mattered to him was that stupid, treacherous redhead.
He didn't even have a photograph of Suzaku in this huge, meaningless executive office…

'I tried. I really tried to be good enough to make him happy...' What a waste that it had to end like this.

Suzaku was miles away. Maybe he was crying too, sobbing Hiten's name with those quivering pink lips as the tears poured from his gorgeous emerald eyes. But tears couldn't wash away the betrayal. The sobs couldn't drown out the shrieking, raging fury in his veins. If he left Suzaku, maybe he could bury these feelings, just like he'd smothered his love for Bankotsu. No one had to get hurt.

He could let go. He had to let go, or else he might seriously kill Suzaku…

"Has Su-Chan left you?" Absently he shook his head, weighing the pros and cons of firing his well-meaning secretary. He wished she'd just shut up. She'd stumble across the right answer soon enough…

"Then maybe… She's cheated on you?"

Hiten scoffed, suddenly wishing he'd hired a man to be his assistant. It was so much easier to just toss them away like garbage. At the very least he could punch a male. But instead he'd foolishly chosen a delicate, intuitive female that looked almost exactly like the person he loved. 'That's funny. Suzaku looks like a girl.' He almost laughed wryly at that thought, shaking his head.

"Su-Chan is not my wife. He was my lover, but we're breaking up now."

This finally confessed, he swung around in his chair, and despite the tears, he was unable to stop himself from grinning at the look of pure shock on her face. Those bright green eyes were so wide. 'Amusing.' They were normally so perfectly almond-shaped, just like Suzaku's…
'Well that sure shut her up.' Vaguely he wondered why she wasn't wearing her usual pink lipstick instead of this ugly red shade…

"He?" Tekkei whispered, and Hiten nodded.

"I love him anyway," Hiten sighed, "and you know what else? I'm not the brainless, grouchy douche bag that I pretend to be. I just act like that so stupid people won't nose around in my business. Though apparently, it hasn't managed to dissuade you…"
He lie his head back down, wondering if she would be disgusted by this new knowledge. His entire outer appearance was little more than a facade. But all things considered, he didn't care either way. Nothing would change the fact that he was who he was. And despite everything, he still loved that gorgeous, redheaded, perfectly male angel.

"Tell me about the real you, then," Tekkei requested. She seemed genuinely concerned.
"Tell me the story about you and this Su-Chan. I'm not prejudiced or anything…"
Hiten sighed, considering cutting her off there as he usually would. But for some reason he felt he may as well answer honestly. She sat there in silence, waiting for his response with baited breath, and finally he conceded. 'It can't hurt… I may as well tell her.'

"Suzaku is Su-Chan's real name. We were friends since gradeschool." he figured that was as good a place as any to begin the story… "But, two and a half years ago, right when we should have been entering college, Suzaku gave me this," he took off the golden locket, retrieving it from its usual hiding place beneath his shirts, and handed it to her. She opened the smooth little heart and he wondered what she thought of the fact that he'd kept the note inside.

"I've always been in love with you," She read.

Tekkei sat on his desk, gazing intently at the necklace in her hand. She was speechless, apparently, but it still felt nice to finally admit the truth to someone. "Gifts mean a lot to me," Hiten explained, "It's been years but I never took off that locket until just now…" Tekkei listened in silence, nodding politely as he told the story, even though he knew he should have told it to a different redhead beauty…

"Since then I've searched everywhere for something to give him in return. Some expensive gift or exotic work of art; anything to express myself back. It was hard as fuck because Su-Chan doesn't like gifts. So it took all that time, but finally, last week, I found what I was searching for. A tattoo. They told me to wait so I could be sure I wanted it, since it was such a big picture. But I knew already. I wanted that tattoo just like I wanted him. So what if it hurt like a bitch and cost me a fortune? It took a couple hours though cuz I wanted it to be perfect. So I got home really late that night. but I was so excited, like high on life. I wanted to sneak into my room and surprise him..."
He turned away from Tekkei, not wanting to see his own sadness reflected in those shining green orbs. "But Su-Chan wasn't there. He was in someone else's bed…"

"That was the day you told me you got in a fight with Su-Chan?"

"Yeah… I hurt him pretty bad. He's not as strong as me… I should have left him then. We were bad for each other to begin with, and then I didn't trust him anymore either..."
Hiten sighed. Even he knew that it was essential to be able to trust a lover. Once the trust was gone, no one could rewind time and salvage it. He could have raged and screamed and hurt Suzaku as much as he wanted, but it was too late anyway…

"But I just couldn't leave him. How pathetic is that? Nothing could change. Guess I loved him too much. I couldn't just get up and walk away from the only person that matters to me, even if I knew he fucked with someone else…"

Tekkei sat beside him on the floor of the office, gazing out the window with him. Every now and then those saddened, helpless green eyes met his own, and when they did he smiled kindly, even though he still wished that she really had gone out and bought that gun he'd asked for.

"This morning I saw them together again, but this time was different. We didn't fight. No one important got hurt… Instead I just gave up. There's no point in going back home. It sucks, but he doesn't belong with someone like me. He's very sick. He warned me about it before but I didn't understand. Some kind of mental illness… Seems like it only gets worse when I'm around. Nothing I do will ever make him better. He was always, always just… unhappy."

Hiten smiled wryly as he gazed out through that huge window, taking in the breathtaking view of the city with that swimming blue sky. The clouds floated lazily by and the land below teemed with life. "This world. It sucks pretty hard, for being so pretty. People call it 'grief' when you lose someone you love. You swear your heart has broken, and selfishly you think the sky must be falling… But nothing actually changes. Time passes just the same and your obligations remain just as pressing. You have to go to work, even if you feel you don't have the strength to face the day. Your heart still beats, even though you wish it really had broken. Like your stupid body missed the memo. It's still alive but inside everything is already dead…"

Tekkei looked like she wanted to say something, but he cut her off before she could.

"So thanks for asking, Tekkei, but no one can fix something like that. I appreciate the thought. You can go home if you like, and I will get back to work and try not to think about him…"

He tore his eyes from that golden locket and refused to take it back. "Just keep it. Like all of the other sappy romantics with their stupid bleeding hearts and poetic, longwinded lectures, I too must face the music and accept reality for what it is."

Hiten swung back around in that huge, leather seat, switching the ringer back into the on position of his new telephone, which immediately began to ring. He smiled fondly at his now standing secretary. "Go on home. Take the next two days as extra paid vacation. I'll see you in Japan."

"No, Raiyuki-Sama."

He startled, almost ripping the document he'd been meaning to sign. "What?"
Had his subordinate secretary just refused to do what he told her to?! He turned, raising an incredulous eyebrow at her. "Would you rather have unpaid vacation?"

"I will not leave." She crossed her arms, resolutely. "How could I just leave after hearing something like that?! I will not go. I will stay all night if I have to. We can get all of this work done tonight if we work together! And then you can go home and talk to him!"

"I don't even want-"

"Liar!" Tekkei yelled over the ringing telephone, refusing to back down.
"Stop being so stupid! You can't give up on love, Raiyuki-sama!" She put the locket back around his neck, where it belonged, finishing with a mischievous grin. "If you don't go home tonight I swear I'll email the entire building and tell them a boy gave you this locket!"

With that Tekkei snatched the telephone from the base and locked herself in the side office.
He could see her chattering away through the glass windows, and for a moment he thought of just how similar she was to Suzaku…

'She's so stubborn.' But as he turned back to his own desk to look at the mound of paperwork he still had to complete, he felt a little glimmer of affection for her.
"What the fuck? This strange feeling?" He wondered aloud, sparing a glance at his newfound comrade. 'Something like love? For a woman?!' That thought freaked him out so badly that Hiten shook his head and poured himself back into his work; fixated.

The locket felt heavier than usual. The thick golden chain hung low so the heart shaped jewelry gently kissed his chest as he absently tucked it back into his shirt.