LOST IN TRANSLATION
Jal glared at Maxxie, cross with him for going behind her back.
"Hey, I only knew about Jake. Don't get all mardy with me."
She narrowed her eyes, focussing on Jake for a moment, before turning to Walter, repositioning Jonah on her hip angrily.
"Me and Graham used to have a good old laugh in the old days. I didn't think-"
"Of course you didn't think. That's fucking obvious."
"Oi," Maxxie spoke up, "don't talk to my dad like that. How was he to know that you'd have a problem with it?"
Jal looked at Graham quivering nervously at the end of the hallway. He looked ill, almost.
"Fine," Jal forced herself to take a deep breath, "I'm sorry, it was just a shock."
Maxxie, Michelle, Sid and Anwar gawped at each-other, shocked that she hadn't exploded like usual.
"Fucking hell, Jal," Anwar shrieked excitedly, "What's happened to you?"
Walter hit him hard on the back of the head.
"Oi! No swearing in my house. I'll tell your mother."
"No, don't! Jal swore, you didn't slap her."
"Didn't your father teach you nothing? You don't hit girls, and she's got the boy, anyway."
Anwar rubbed his head grumpily, scowling at Jal who smiled back at him sweetly. For once, she felt distinctly grateful for her lack of y-chromosome.
She followed Walter into the kitchen and sat down at the table opposite the two middle aged men, with Maxxie, Jake, Michelle, Sid and Anwar behind her. She put Jonah on her lap forcefully, so Graham had to look at him. Jal stared beadily at Chris's dad, waiting for some recognition, but Graham just stared at his fidgeting hands laid on the table.
Angrily, Jal stood up, holding Jonah with her right arm and dug deep into her left jean pocket. Sitting down again, she flung two twenty pound notes and a tenner across the table.
"Here's your fifty pounds back."
Finally, Graham looked at her, bringing his hands off the table away from the money.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I..."
There was an awkward silence, and Jal's fury sort of melted away. She didn't see the point in upsetting herself anymore, and she knew her dad would be right about her immaturity if she let everyone get the better of her every time.
"Do you think I wanted money?" she spoke softly, holding Jonah's hand in hers, "do you think Chris ever wanted money from you?"
Graham shook his head slowly.
Anwar and Sid shifted uncomfortably behind Jal. They'd just spent the last twenty minutes with Graham and Jake, and they weren't sure how to react. In some ways, they preferred Jal when she was angry. At least they knew how to deal with her then.
"I found Sue," Graham stuttered, finally managing to maintain eye contact with Jal, "I told her about Jonah. She was happy."
"I thought she was long gone," Walter spoke up, "Didn't even know about Chris...passing on."
"She knew," Jal was startled to hear Sid speak, "Cassie, erm, saw her. She came when Chris was ill, when he got home from hospital."
"Cass met Chris's mum? He didn't tell me."
"Chris didn't know. Cassie didn't want to invite her in."
"What?" Jal was beginning to get irate, "she knew he missed her. How could she do that?"
"She wasn't a hundred percent, alright?"
"And she wasn't a hundred percent when she buggered off to New York either, right? Or when she gave him that spliff, or when she decided she would go out for days on end even though Chris and I worried shitloads about her."
"I know, I know Jal. Cass just, she's got this thing, she doesn't mean to fuck up."
"Yeah well, she's fucked up too many times now," Jal left the room, gesturing for her friends to follow, "And don't think I've forgotten about you, Jake. You fucking stay there. I thought I made myself clear last week. I don't want it, okay? I'm not interested in..."
Jal shook her head, flinging the words out of her mind. She stormed onto the corridor, shutting the front door so that her friends just behind her wouldn't follow her outside. She couldn't make her mind up whether she wanted them around her or not.
She clasped Jonah to her, gasping as she began to cry. Jal wanted to come home to relax, and to escape her normal life for a few months before her second year of uni started.
Fat chance of that happening now.
Now she had to deal with Chris again, and not even the nice parts but the shitty crap. Namely parents.
But worse, she had to deal with Jake.
She sat Jonah down on the concrete next to her, up against the wall and sank down beside her, hugging herself to try and stop the pain from coming.
It wasn't the first time she'd wished Chris hadn't died, but it was the first time she'd cried because she didn't want Jonah and actually wished she'd never had him.
Jal was bitter. She knew it wasn't Jonah's fault, but now, having to talk to Graham and pretend that he had any interest in her, and that she had interest in him, made her irrational. If there was anything Jal hated, it was pretences and pretending. It wasn't in her nature to see the good or honest side of people anyway. Her mum and dad had fucked that up for her easy.
Jal knew she was going to fuck everything up now. There was no way of avoiding it.
She dug deep in her pockets for her mobile and texted Jake hastily, gasping deep gulps of dirty nicotine-tainted air down her throat as she glanced at Jonah beside her.
Go back to London. I'm not good enough for you.
She'd already ruined her own life, and she wasn't going to suck Jake into her mess.
Immediately, she heard the door swing open and she stood up, leaving Jonah sitting on the grimy concrete floor.
Jake walked straight up to her and pulled her towards him, kissing Jal and holding her head to his. It was forceful, and Jal understood.
"You forgave me?"
"What's there to forgive?"
"I called you Chris, Jake."
"It was just a mistake. You didn't have to go rushing off like that, leaving London."
Jal stared at him, befuzzled. Her irritation began to rise again and she stiffened in his arms, breaking out of his soft hold.
"No, Jake. I don't think it was a mista-"
"It was, Jal," Jake interrupted, too forcefully for Jal's liking, "it was a mistake. We were just tired. It was a long day, and I shouldn't have pressured you then. It's fine. We still love each-other."
Jal stared at him, her right eyebrow raised in a painful quizzical expression. She looked worried. And Jal was. She was worried for both of them.
"Jal?"
She stayed silent, just gazing back at him in anxiety.
"Jal, I love you," Jake spoke quickly, his nerves blaring through his shaking, faltering voice, "I think these have been the best three months of my life. We love each-other. We do...don't we?"
"I..."
Jake grabbed her shoulders, forcing his eyes to look at hers, even though it scared him the more than he thought possible. Jal watched the fear grow: she saw the way his brown eyes narrowed at the edges - the eyes which were so much darker than Chris's that she couldn't even make out his black pupils from his irises even though she was so close; his olive skin was paling, shrinking back from its former health; even his curly hair seemed to have wilted somehow.
"I love you, Jal. Don't fucking do this to me."
"I'm sorry..."
"I came all the way to fucking Bristol!" Jake let go of her, running his hands through his hair before turning back to Jal, "Just say it," he whispered, "just tell me that you love me. You can do it. You've done it before."
"No I haven't."
"Yes you have. You said it at that party when we first gave it a go. You said it when we went out on that pub crawl at the after exams. And when we were pissed at six o' clock in the morning walking down Oxford Street cos we got on the wrong Tube line."
"That's just it, isn't it? I was pissed."
"So?"
"I was fucking pissed Jake! Do you honestly think I know what I'm saying when I'm completely shit-faced? I was probably..." Jal paused, knowing that if she told the truth, she'd break his heart. Jal had had her heart broken a few times, and she didn't want to have to break Jake's," I was probably thinking of..."
Jake bit his lip and looked at the ground. Jal knew she'd done it. Irreparable damage.
"Can't you let go of him, for me? Don't I make you happy?"
"You make me so happy, Jake," Jal tasted her salty tears on her lips, strolling down her cheeks, "but it's not enough. I can't make myself love you. I want to. Believe me, please, I really want to."
"You don't," Jake cupped her chin in his hands, stroking off her tears with his thumbs, "you're scared, Jal. You're scared of forgetting Chris."
Jal looked straight into his eyes, shocked at how accurate Jake was. It was the first time she'd heard it out loud, and it almost felt like she'd said it to herself for the first time outside of her head. It was like she had admitted it.
"I won't let you forget him. Jonah won't, and neither will your locket, or your photos or your whole...your fucking stubborn brain, Jal. But it's time. It's time to let go. Please, for me."
"He's not coming back, Jake."
"That's right, Jalapeno. He's not coming back."
Suddenly Jal snapped. He hadn't called her that before: Jalapeno.
"I can't do it. I can't be with you."
"You can! You've just said it, Chris isn't coming back."
"He never left!" Jal was getting hysterical, "he's in my head all the fucking time. There's no space for anything else. There's no space for you."
They stared at one another for what seemed like a lifetime.
"Fine. I guess I'll...I guess I'll see you around."
Jal watched him turn around and walk out into the pouring rain away from the shelter of the corridor.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm really, really sorry."
Jal began to cry again, over another man for the first time in years. It was like her first boyfriend all over again in Y11, when a snog became more and then shrivelled up when some other slag would sleep with him and she wouldn't. Again, they were walking away from her. Even Chris had walked away from her with Angie, and that was when the nightmare had started.
She didn't break out of her self-pity until she stopped filtering the noises in her head. Jonah was screaming. He was red in the face, like he had been crying for ages.
Quickly out of guilt, Jal bundled him up in her arms, rocking Jonah to try and calm him down.
She knocked on Maxxie's front door, not bothering to wipe the tears off her face, or to even stop crying at all. Everyone stared at her, even Graham and Walter. They'd heard everything. In fact, the whole estate had heard everything.
"I want to go home now, Max."
Michelle got up and came to the door, throwing her jacket on so she was ready to leave.
"No, 'Chelle. I want to go home."
