Black Velvet
Chapter 27- To Love, is to process...Pain
R-M
Idk if you guys read these lol, but, for those who do... This story needed a slow down for a minute. The characters needed growth. It may not be as fast paced as you were used to with the first twenty-two chapters, but these characters needed this. It will remain deep in relation to the very theme of this story, and we will get back to that. But I always knew where I wanted this to go. And to get there, we will go through some leaps and hurdles. Kol, will be caught, its building up to it. Trust me. We are getting there. Also, it'll take Bonnie and Damon coming together to do take him down.
I also mentioned in the last chapter that Damon had received oral sex a few chapters ago, not intercourse. I wasn't inferring that it wasn't still considered sex. That chapter was to actually just point out his trying to find his way back to who he was, mentally, and he'll have to realize, eventually that, mentally he can't go back, because he's not the same. But he had no idea where to start, he's learning himself right now. Damon's never just LOVED sex. He loves being a dominant, and having control. It was mentioned near the beginning of the story everything he did sexually was to please other women. He didn't learn to love SEX until he and Bonnie had sex. That'll be addressed later. Now, he has no desires to have sex with anyone else. She, doesn't understand what she wants. She just knows Damon woke up something inside of her that she can't put back to sleep.
But I hope you can appreciate the effort behind it, because all of these relationships, and conversations, and characters connect to the heart of this story, and the dominance/submission theme. But the most important thing about this story is dealing with CONTROL , letting go (SUBMISSION), ACCEPTANCE, and SELF-WORTH. We can all relate in some way, I think. I personally like the Journey Damon and Bonnie are on separately right now. It's helping me as the writer appreciate the characters development. I'm not the same writer I was two years ago, which is why it's hard to jump back into some of my old stories (when I first started fanfic), because my heads in a different space creatively. Anyways, I promise to make this story and this journey worth it, for these two, and you guys. There's a lot in store, that may still surprise you. Thanks for sticking with me. Please enjoy!
Hot yoga always helped Bonnie to relax. It was nearly the only way she felt like she was being touched lately, with the thick dry heat surrounding her body. It almost hugged her. "I think, I could live with a sauna in my house. It helps me shut my mind off, dealing with the heat."
"Thanks for coming with me today. It's been a while since I've had the time." Sarah invited Bonnie to take a class with her, because she'd never taken hot yoga, and she knew Bonnie loved it.
"No, thanks for inviting me. I know you're so busy."
"Yeah. The store has really picked up since the end of spring is here."
"What's it like working alone?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I own a business. With a partner. I love having a business, but it's always refreshing having Kat, because when the load feels heavy, I have a partner to lean on. And I know she and I have considered, moving on eventually, with businesses that don't involve the other. But, I'm starting to realize, I'm afraid of not having someone to help, when shit gets hard."
Sarah tossed the bright colored bag over her shoulder, in the yoga studio, and stood up. "It can be scary. But I was willing to take the leap, because I wanted to be with my kids more. And in the beginning I swore it would be this way. But, I actually am responsible for so much more, that I see them less depending on the month. Winter, business is slow and I see them more, but my pockets are a little thinner in the winter. Summer, Spring, and Fall are huge months for me, so, I commit to twelve to fifteen hour days. It gets rough."
"Wow. Seems tough." Bonnie took into consideration the amount of stress and work involved in having a business that Kat didn't partner in. The two friends always promised each other they start together, and get an idea of what it meant to own a business, then branch out on their own. Bonnie realized lately, that as she was approaching thirty, it was time to explore her options.
"I don't want that to scare you. I love having business. When I need I bring my kids to work after school. They do their homework in my office. I even bought a tv and couch for the long days they're with me. The twins have helped me do inventory before."
"Right. Seems like a lot."
"It was. Because being a single mother is hard. You are the only one your kids can rely on. You have to do everything. And my kids come before my business. So, there's been times I'm crying alone in my room at night, because one of the kids or all, need my attention. But I'm low on quotas for the month, which puts me behind financially. But they need me, and I have to be who they need. My parents helped out, but I tried hard not to rely on it."
Kids weren't even on Bonnie's radar. That would be an issue she tackled later in life if it every became a possibility. "Then you must be successful to have had a business for a fewyears, alone."
"Yes. But the first three years, I wanted to give up so often. Then I found a really kick ass floor manager, and I've been able to have every other weekend off for my kids."
Bonnie sighed. That sounded like a relief, and light at the end of the tunnel. "That's great Sarah,"
"Also, Stefan being back, has been so.." Sarah paused realizing she needed to exaggerate, "ahhh-maaaaa-ziiing! I think, Lily being around more, has helped him to just look at things differently. He doesn't spend as much time with her as he'd like, but he also doesn't want to push it, with himself. He finds his anger for her from time to time."
"Well, I'm certainly glad he's around the kids more. And you and him seem happy."
"I think for once, in three tries, he and I have really started to focus on each other. We had years to focus on ourselves. And Stefan he's successful. But he doesn't care about the success. He just likes to work his ass off, because he hates sitting alone with his thoughts."
"Seems like a Salvatore trademark." Bonnie didn't realize she spoke her thoughts into existence.
"You and Damon still... separate?"
"Of course. He doesn't know what he wants, and neither do I."
"Sure. I get it. I've been there before. I was just searching for one thing, and it lead me to dating different guys. Eventually Matt. He was a great guy."
"That's another thing. Dating? I'm not ready for it. I'd like to tell myself I am. But I'm not."
"Don't push yourself into dating, if you're not ready. I found myself happiest when I was alone. Sure I hated the no sex part, and the no one at night to rub my feet, but I was liberated. You don't realize how amazing a cup of coffee alone in silence is, until you get to a point, that you can't her your thoughts."
"My problem is, I hear my own thoughts always. I'm not trying to be alone with myself too much, or I'll be forced to think bout everything. Damon. Or my desire to have a new career, and by the fear of going for it. And Lily, I'll be forced to remember how Lily is going through all of this and ultimately, she left her boyfriend, long time supportive boyfriend, behind, so she could spend her last days with her sons, who resent her. That's a lot of-" Bonnie started to cry. Bonnie didn't like crying. She usually just held back tears and let herself be nary instead. Sarah thought maybe the tears were a culmination of things, building up inside of Bonnie. "It's a lot to put your mind through, at the end of your life. And I think it's speeding up the sickness. And I hate to see her go through it."
Sarah leaned over and hugged Bonnie, giving her a moment to gather herself, while she cry. "Bonnie, it seems rough, but Lily came into your life for a reason. Be it Damon or not. And I'm glad you have each other. You're the daughter she never had. She's the perspective you never got from your mother about an imperfect life. And you have me. I'm glad we've gotten closer."
"Uhh. Me too. And to think we were almost sister-in-laws." She and Damon never spoke of marriage. But, that's how sure she was on their love. That he'd be in her life a long time. But Sarah quickly noticed the comparison.
"Still, honorary sisters."
"True. Now, tell me about you, Stefan, and the kids."
"For one they've been asking about "aunt" Bonnie." Sarah laughed. "No literally. They call you aunt Bonnie to Stefan and me."
"Seriously. Well, let's not break their hearts. They don't know about the break up, do they?"
"No. To be fair, we haven't seen much of Damon since the break up, so the kids, don't realize, you two split. But, in time, maybe they won't need to know."
"I like aunt Bonnie. I don't have nieces or nephews."
"Perfect. See we're still family. Oh, and as for Stefan... he's stressing about his brother and his mother. He just wants them to talk. And hear each other out. And while Lily is willing to listen, Damon... isn't willing to talk. And I can't blame him. I just think he needs clarity."
Bonnie remained quiet. She knew Damon needed his mother. She knew he needed to have her hear him out. The deepest, darkest truths of how her abandoning them made him feel. How it challenged him beyond recognition, forcing him to lose himself in his anger and pain. She needed to know the truth behind why he couldn't be in a relationship with a woman until he told her what he needed to. How he couldn't completely love a woman, and give himself to a woman until she heard how he loved her, gave her all he could, and still she left him.
And part of Bonnie loved hearing Lily speak of Damon in childhood. Hearing the vulnerable and loving boy he was. The way he loved her to lead, and he followed. The submissive boy with a patient heart. The way he accepted her flawed way of mothering, because he knew she tried. Bonnie felt, like she got to meet the Lily, she was meant to be, before Lily was forced to marry an abusive adulterer.
"Damon, will come around when he's ready. I think, giving him space about his mother is the best we can all do. We can't force it."
"Yeah. That's what I tell my husband. But, aside from that, he is good. Stefan, is home every weekend, and even weekdays."
"You ready for him to move back in the house?"
"Ugh." Sarah hesitated. "I don't know. On the one hand, everything is great right now. But, like... why rush it. Let's pace this reunion, because as you say with Damon, I want Stefan to know for himself when he's ready. Don't get me wrong, I love him spending nights, and waking up to him again. But, there's something to be said about the fact that he can, leave a couple times a week to go get clothes, and lately, he takes Seth with him. They spend some quality father son time together. I've needed that, because Seth is getting to an age, where the word 'I'm disappointed in you,' from me... is a joke to him. He'll be ten in a couple months. He seems to take better to his father's words of finality than mine."
"Shit. I can only imagine. Girl, I can only imagine. I always wanted children. God, I wanted them so bad." Bonnie moaned. "But, there's obviously a reason I never had them with Kol. He couldn't have shown our son how to be a man. And a daughter would've gotten to see her mother being totally unhappy. Honestly, he's not fit for fatherhood yet. If he can put me through hell, the way he is... he's not ready to teach another person how to, human." Both girls laughed.
"Human. That's perfect."
"It's true. And maybe I'll want kids again. But right now, I don't have it all to even give a child."
"I respect your honestly. It takes a lot to admit it. And the truth is, we are never prepared to be a "good" parent. But when the child is here, natural instincts take over, and we just, learn as we go."
"Maybe, one day, I'll know that life." Bonnie smiled. But truth be told, she couldn't relate to it yet. Not one bit.
xXx
Damon decided it was in his best interest not to listen to Oliver about involving Bonnie in his trial. He was going to fight fair and square and take whatever punishment he had coming. It must be this way, because he didn't want to fight karma. He took some time away from the thoughts and went to a business meeting with Elijah.
"This is a good investment. However, I'm tied up in litigation complications right now, involving my finances. I can't commit to something so soon as your partner. I'd feel like shit if I end up unable to follow through."
"Of course. Just think about." Elijah smiled, taking a drink. "Well, Damon we should talk." Elijah spoke.
"What's up?"
"I know I try to stay uninvolved when it comes to my little brother, but, I should tell you that I found some disturbing news the other day."
"Okay." Damon stood in question wondering what Elijah was going to tell him, or if he was going to make him guess.
"He has proposed to this woman."
"Andie?"
"Yes."
Damon laughed, cynically. "I'm not surprised. Why the rush?"
"Who knows. But, I take from this, that maybe, he wants to start a family, or possibly, hurt Bonnie."
Damon thought back to Bonnie calling him, and him not answering. The first thing he thought to do was call her. He thought she should know, as soon as possible, so she wasn't bombarded with it, at the wedding. Which was in two weeks. "Does Bonnie know?"
"I've not told Katarina yet. She's prepared for jail time over my brother. And I'd like to marry my fiancé in two weeks."
"Did you tell me, so that I could tell Bonnie?"
"Seems only right. She should know. What if Andie is pregnant?"
"Dude? The delicate place, she and I are in right now, and you want me to deliver the possible news?"
"I'm not saying, Andie is pregnant. But Nikklaus told me about the proposal. We both have suspicions she is pregnant, because, why propose so fast? Unless they want a shot gun wedding. Nikklaus said Kolson asked Hayley about breast feeding last week, I guess. Also, she met my parents."
"She met your parents?"
"Apparently. I wasn't there. Remember? I'm the black sheep. No one tells me shit, Damon. Mikael and I had exchanged a heated set of words recently, and I didn't go."
"Me telling Bonnie is probably not the right thing to do, without knowing for sure. Because if she finds out that Andie is pregnant, it will crush her. I can't see myself doing that without absolute proof."
"Totally understandable. But the option to let her know, what's been spoken of in the rumor mill, is enough reason to keep her from feeling bulldozed with the information, if she sees it by mistake."
"I know Kol is no longer in the wedding. But is he planning on attending?"
"Honestly, he hasn't spoken to me since the brunch. He's in belief I've chosen a side. And I don't really care what he thinks. He's such a fuck up, he can't see straight."
"Right." Damon agreed. He'd have to suck it up and call her. Give her a heads up about the possibility of the situation, to keep it from being a surprise to her. He knew more than anything, that such a psychological shock, could be damaging to her progress from moving on from both him and Kol. And Damon loved Bonnie, still. He didn't want her to be hit with that information.
...voice mail...
A couple of hours later, Damon called Bonnie. He was reluctant, because he didn't want to be the one to deliver, the possibility of bad news. Especially, if the accusation was false. He would be the messenger, and it would make him look even worse.
But... He was hit with her voicemail. So he was saved for now. Because he wouldn't leave such awful assumptions on a voicemail. But as he listened to her voicemail. Her realized, it had changed. She never changed her voicemail, but the greeting changed. He didn't leave a message. He just hung up.
Bonnie was at work, and didn't hear her phone ring. When she saw the missed call from him and no voicemail, she decided not to call back. After the voicemail she'd left him weeks ago, she was bothered by his callousness over not responding to her. Let alone, at least leaving a voicemail, to apologize, or ask her to call back. Nothing. She was over it.
...
After a week of hardly speaking to each other when it wasn't work related, Kat texted Bonnie about her dress coming in. They agreed to meet at the bridal shop where Kat had her brides maids dresses ordered to do her fitting. Elena would be there as well as Rebekah. But those two wouldn't be there for another hour, as Bonnie dress fitting and altercation was earlier in order for Kat to have alone time with her bestie.
Bonnie walked in right on time, and Kat was early sitting and messing with her phone when Bonnie strolled in. "Hey." Kat spoke quietly, but smiling, trying to figure out where Bonnie's head was.
"Hey." They both kept it short and sweet, for a few seconds.
"So... I'm glad you made it."
"Why wouldn't I, ass?" Bonnie said sarcastically.
"I mean, you hate me, so... there's that." The two women looked at one another awkwardly.
"I don't hate you." Bonnie rolled her eyes. She shuffled her feet lazily to a Tiffany blue velvet colored bench and sat down, removing her strappy heels with one hand, and trying to hold her smoothie in the other hand at the same time.
"What are you drinking?"
"Uhh, some kale and green apple smoothie Kai taught me to make a couple weeks back."
"Oh... he's still a thing?" Kat asked, slouching back in a chair, and lowering her sunglasses to the bridge of her nose, while staring at her friend.
"A thing?"
"You know what I mean. I'm just being a bitch."
"He's not a thing. And yes, he's still in the picture. I can't have friends?" Bonnie slid her shoes off watching the indentation of her feet from the straps when she released that pressure. She scratched the strap indentations as they'd been itching her, and continued being short with Katherine.
"Bon Bon, don't act snappy with me."
The bridal shop assistant came out with her dress. It was canary yellow. It's what was agreed on that looked best against Bonnie's skin, even if yellow washed Damon out. Kat didn't care. She designed the dress for her best friend. The dress wrapped around her neck, and crossed over each breast, wrapped around her waist and flowed out at the bottom, leaving the back completely open. Elena and Rebecca's dresses were strapless and the front looked like the material on the breasts wrapped around itself, and were pink, and flowed at the bottom. All three dresses sat on the hangers on a dress wall. Kat was able to view the colors in sequence.
"Wow." Bonnie looked at the dresses, made of chiffon. "Those are beautiful. You designed all three and I wouldn't expect anything less. Those are so fucking amazing, Kat."
"Thanks. I sat one day and drew them up, based on you girl's body types. Also, I was glad to know I could manage to get yours backless. I know you love that style."
"Yeah, Pft. It's perfect."
"Try it on."
"Okay." Bonnie grabbed the dress on the fancy hanger, and walked into a fitting room that had large ceiling to floor silk curtains. Bonnie undressed getting herself ready to try the dress on. As she started getting dressed, Katherine was speaking.
"My degree in fashion might get out to good use. Even if it only took two years, before I transferred to Marymount."
"How so?"
"Uhh, I've been working on a business venture."
Bonnie stopped a minute to hear her out. "Oh, nice." She said speculatively. "Share."
"A boutique."
"Elaborate heffa."
"Well, you know I love dressing up and getting really girly. I was thinking of a boutique, that not only styled women for clothes. But... and here's where I can standout, I think. Sign my clients up for a membership. Exclusive. It comes with, a stylist, a makeup artist, and a hairdresser. And not only will they be able to get their entire wardrobe here, have monthly arrivals from special orders, but make appointments to have their hair and makeup up done through me too. Basically by whomever I contract. This way I can employe hairstylists, and cosmetologist as well as stylists. I think it'll sky rocket me to high end eventually."
Bonnie walked out of the dressing room with the dress on. "Zip me." Katherine got up and walked over to her friend, sitting her champagne down. "Damn, Kat. That's huge. I mean, I can see you doing that. And I totally support it. I mean, you'd have to leave THE Review, but, it's worth it. Give yourself a name in the fashion world. It's more your zone anyways."
"No way, would I leave you hanging at THE Review."
"What, Pft. It'll just push me to get out there and start my event planning business, eventually."
"Slash, catering."
"I mean maybe." She smiled. "One thing at a time."
"Of course."
"But, I'd totally understand you stepping down. I can run things alone for a while. Besides, I've been in deep thought about some business ideas lately too. I'm kind of ready to let THE Review go." She dimly spoke about heir baby they had together. And built from the ground up as two broke college students.
"Really?"
"Yes." Bonnie turned adjusting the dress, and looking in the mirror. "Oh my God. This is phenomenal. I mean..." she held up the side of the long flowing dress and twirled. Then took extra time looking at the skin of her back, and how low it was cut. "This is fucking beautiful, Kat."
"It looks fucking amazing on you. We can just get some pasties for your nip nips. But, damn. Girl, you brought my interpretation to life. It fits your body exactly the way I wanted it to. Glad I got you fitted a couple months back."
"Yeah. Damn. I'm so proud of you."
"Hey, you need a glass of champagne. Let me have them bring it. She should've had it out here already."
"No, no, it's okay. I'm drinking that smoothie, so I can stay in tip top shape for the wedding. This dress fits too perfect. I need to get go shopping with Kai. He's not really a suit kind of guy." She giggled to herself, at his style. He dressed nice, but he was a casual nice dresser.
"Will he be your plus one?"
"I don't know, want to think of a date."
"What's his style?"
"He keeps it clean. Like Calvin Klein and Guess type."
"Right. Not the Giorgio Armani or Hugo Boss type, like Damon?" Bonnie looked at Katherine seriously. "Oh, sorry. I shouldn't mention him, I guess."
"You can mention him all you want. Seeing and hearing his name doesn't trigger me." So she said. Last she and Kai spoke they were going to keep it professional. But, she'd be damned to how up to her best friend's wedding alone. Knowing Damon would most likely have a date. And that Kol, would be with Andie. "Well, if I'm being honest, I may take him. I'm not sure. Is that okay with you?"
"Well...Pft. Duh." And even though Kat answered her, she hesitated. And that hesitation, caused Bonnie to turn her head to avoid commenting on it. "You like him or what?"
"It's not like that. He's just easy to be around. And I don't think about complicated history with him. It's friendly."
Kat was confused, and it was noticeable. "So, listen. You should understand, that I'm happy if you're happy. But, I don't get the idea of-"
"Stop right there." Bonnie interrupted, "You don't have to get it. I didn't get you and Elijah's life before. But I came around."
"Yes. But you don't remember giving me hell about it?" Then she changed her tone as to mock Bonnie. "How could you Kat? You should never give up control. What kind of woman would let a man... this and that. And blah blah... it's weird, blah blah." Katherine stopped her mocking tone and look her friend in the eyes. "You never let me live it down. But you voiced your concern. I always let you give your opinion. Even if it was close-minded and wrong. Because, I knew, that as my friend you were concerned. All I'm saying is, I'm concerned. I don't think you're over Damon. I also think that the mistakes Damon made, were forgivable. Because at the end of the day-"
"At the end of the day he hurt the shit out of me!" She yelled. "I trusted him. More than I trusted my own husband. I gave him something I never thought I'd give another man, Kat. And all along, he was lying to me. Don't you get it?"
"No, I don't please explain to me your point of view, to make me believe, that what you and Damon had, you can never get back?"
Bonnie stood in one place, huffing out breaths in frustration. She tossed her small hands on her hip, and shook her head, trying to find the words. "Okay... I gave his man, the key to my cuffs. Okay? I gave him total and absolute trust, and believed he'd protect my heart with that trust I instilled in him. If he said it, I listened. If he demanded it, I did it. If he asked it, I gave it. Everything! It took a lot out of me, to give up that control, Kat. Only to find out what was happening and being kept from me. It's not about Kol. It's about, manipulation. It's about, thinking I was in the best relationship of my life, and the man I gave everything to... couldn't respect the reciprocation. Not just with the Kol situation. Why did he wait eight months to tell me he was a psychologist? If he didn't carry guilt behind it? You have no idea how deeply he embedded himself into my mind, during our sessions. I became I product of him. And I was proud of it. But, it was taken away from me, when I found out the truth. And I'm willing to bet, you and Elijah have this beautiful untouchable bond. But when it comes to psychological warfare, mind control, Damon and I were on a different level than you and Lijah. The mental and emotional power he had over me... listen, no one is saying I didn't love it. I craved the control I gave him. I loved, giving it to him, because I trusted him. But... come on, he wasn't playing fair. All he had to do was be honest and we'd still be together. If he told me from the moment we got serious, I'd have worked through it all. But, he was selfish as hell, Kat. And I expect you to understand, that my mind, needed a break from that powerful hold he had over me. I loved him."
Katherine sat in silence, minutes upon minutes, she stood there trying to put herself in Bonnie's shoes. But she couldn't. "The truth is, Bonnie, you're right. Elijah and I, don't have the mental connection you and Damon do. But, it's because when it comes to me and Elijah, it just comes easy. I've never wanted to control him. Or dominate him. You, on the other hand, have mentioned several times, your desire to be a dominant. You have. And maybe, the mental warfare with Damon has a lot to do with you needing to see what life is like on his end of the spectrum. Maybe it's not about what questioning Damon, as much as it is about questioning yourself. You need to understand what it means to dominate. I get it, because as long as I've known you, you want control. Your mom controlled so much of your life, that come high school, and college, you were a neurotic bitch, to no living end. And I love that neurotic bitch thing you have going on. And I don't think you want to dominate, for the sake of controlling anyone Bonnie. For the record, I think you want to see how it works, to know, that at the end of the day, you as a, submissive can still have and think on your own free will. That's the neurotic thing about you. Having to understand shit backwards and forwards to make sure, it's what you want. I get it. You need the assurance, that being a submissive doesn't make you a sell out, in the HBIC department. You need the insurance policy. You deserve it. Me, I never questioned it. But, again, I'm willing to bet, whatever happened between you and Kol, is the reason, that you continued to question Damon's dominance over you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, that you questioned Damon's dominance, because you wanted to make sure, his process wasn't in the same mind frame as Kol's. Not that Kol dominated you, per se. But he did something in the relationship that made you afraid to give complete control to Damon. And I will always respect the fact that you haven't told me what he did yet, because in my mind you haven't accepted whatever Kol did to you, for what it really was. Something tells me you still make excuses for that sorry sack of shit. And you block it out. And that's why, I have never and will never respect that asshole. Because he did something to my best friend, where one day..." Kat shook her head, in complete empathy, "that happy-go-lucky sparkle she always had in her eyes, just disappeared. And your smiles overtime grew more and more empty because of some awful thing Kol's done. That sparkle disappeared for so long. And I feared I'd never see it again, b I did. I saw that sparkle come back with Damon. But.. hey. I respect your process. However long it takes. Because I just... I hate Kol. With a passion."
Bonnie stood trying not to get teary-eyed over Kat's unbelievably hard-hitting words. Maybe she was in denial about what Kol had did to her. What he'd taken from her. Maybe, she had to admit it out loud, or let herself deal with it and heal. Maybe, Damon wasn't the only one who needed to look deeper inside of himself.
"Yeah..." Bonnie said emotionally. "I'm sure, one day I'll talk to you about it. But that day won't come, until Kol isn't someone I have to face regularly. Because every time I see him, I'm reminded of what he has taken from me. And he smiles at me, taunting me. He knows what he's done."
Bonnie's face turned into a young girl who had been let down. And Katherine's eyes watered, not knowing what her friend couldn't tell her, but assuming it was pretty bad. "I get it." She wiped her tears, and got up to hug her best friend.
"Good. We cool?"
"Ugh, that word." Kat laughed, but rolled her eyes heavily. "Yeah. We're good. So, have you fucked him yet?"
"Didn't I tell you, no?" She said disappointingly. "I'd love to just have sex and then be friends. But I think if I had sex with him, he'd want more. I can't give him more."
"What?"
"Let's be honest. I'm twenty-nine. I'm just getting my sexual liberation, from my loveless marriage. A ten year relationship, of drought. Then BAM! Damon happened. He opened me up, and I can't close the vortex." She griped. "I can't go back to the woman I was before Damon. It's impossible."
"Bon, masturbation is key."
"It's not working. Nothing works."
"Porn?"
"Not really my style."
"Don't knock it til you try it."
"Well, we almost kissed on the hot air balloon."
"Almost? What happened?"
"Fuck, I hate saying this. I opened my eyes and realized it wasn't Damon, and the feeling just abandoned me."
"So, no kissing?"
"No, no no. I just I can't. Damon's right. Kissing is far too personal."
"Damon told you that?"
"He'd never kissed a woman on the mouth before me."
Kat's jaw dropped. "Oh my God, Bonnie, he was... in love with you. Geez."
"Yeah, well, don't remind me, right now. Just know, I can't kiss Kai. I'd rather have sex, and then not expect anything afterward. But even sex, I can't. He's not Damon."
"Damon."
"Damon ruined me. I can't cum to the thoughts of another man. Damon, really... trained my mind well. My body reacts to his and his alone. And I hate it, because I feel like if I'm ever intimate with Kai... I won't be able to cum, or enjoy it. The possibility that Damon has made my body cum on his command, and only reaches those level of peaks, to him, scares me. Not to mention, Kai, knows something about Damon and my past. He saw it in the video clips, Kol illegally set up."
"Stop. What did he say?"
"I think it terrified him, honestly. Whatever. I don't care. I went sex toy shopping and got a new toy. I'm going to test it out later. Who needs a man?"
"Just give it time. You will know what you want eventually. In the meantime, getting to know your body more... is a good idea. And yeah. Fuck a man. Who needs a man?"
"Bitch, go almost two months without an orgasm, like me. Tell Elijah no for two months and get back to me."
Kat looked at Bonnie like she was crazy.
"Maybe, you should try actually having sex with him." Katherine laughed at her. "I mean, we are almost thirty. Adult casual relationships are different than when we were twenty. Two mature people should be able to have sex without getting attached to each other."
"I know, but we are just friends. I don't want to ruin that."
"I feel like you're reliving the college years you lost when you started dating Kol."
"No. I'm just... seeing who I am, when I'm in complete control. I need this. I need to understand myself better. I need to know how to control the decisions I make, in my life, without worrying about the consequences of what someone else wants from me, or for me, including my mom, including Damon, and including you. I just have to be a bit selfish. I hope you understand."
"I do. Be selfish. You deserve it. Doesn't mean I'm going stop giving you my opinion."
Bonnie kept modeling her dress, and looking over until she saw Kat's. "Girl, put it on."
"Nope. Today is brides maid's, and maid of honor's day. I'm not going to let anyone see me with it on til the day."
"Don't be unfair. I'm your best friend, put the dress on. Please."
"Nope!"
"Please, please, please?"
"No. Because, the girls will be here any minute."
"Are you nervous, to make it all final?"
"No. I'm so ready. He might be nervous. I mean, it's me. I'm a crazy, woman. I'm a lot to handle Bon Bon. Are you aware, that he and I have been together for a little over a year. It may not be enough time to know, if he's making a mistake. How does anyone really know?"
"It's not a matter of time, it's a matter of being sure of who you are. Ive never met anyone more confident in who he is, than Elijah. And he's very sure about you."
Kat tried to show she was unintimidated by marriage, but the truth was, making anything final and permanent, scared her. Her parents divorced young. It took years for them to become amicable. "I guess I can't be any crazier than his family."
"Exactly. You're fresh air compared to the Mikaelson's. Plus..." Bonnie smacked her on the ass, "you're one helluva lay."
"No lies detected." The truth was as funny as it was, because they both knew sex couldn't hold a relationship together, alone. It took so much more work than that. The two girls continued talking until Elena and Rebekah showed up.
xXx
Damon was at work finishing up with a patient. His practice was successful, and he was his own boss. Damon always had a passion for the human brain. His study of the mind was a calculated form of intimate connections with people. Even if they weren't interpersonal connections. Somehow listening to people speak about their issues, helped him to realize that within himself, existed a regular man. He wasn't the only one in the world with issues.
He allowed his feelings to be validated through the offset of others who dealt with issues similar to his. Especially those with abandonment issues. He never found validation in others misfortunes, but the perception that others dealt with similar issues, and in helping them to overcome obstacles of grief and address their issues, confronting the change they needed to make, it helped him, heal.
Helping others heal, somehow, helped him heal.
Helping Bonnie to heal, is what was beginning to help Damon to heal. Because inside, she felt as broken as he was. Fighting the pain she was in by avoiding it, the same way he did. And they became two people who became each other's healing. They were healing each other, and becoming each persons safe place.
(Bzzzz) Damon's intercom rang.
"Yes, Angela."
"Mr. Salvatore you have a visitor. She says she an old client, but won't give me a name."
Damon rolled his eyes. "What does she want?"
"To thank you." He immediately thought it was one of his D/s clients probably Andie. Hoping it wasn't a setup, he hesitated before allowing her in.
"It's fine. Tell her I have ten minutes and I'm out for the day. Then you can send her in."
"Okay Sir." He sat in his office finishing notes on his last patients file that just left his office. As he was wrapping up, he heard the door open.
"Come in and sit." He said without looking up. He finished writing, and looked up to see Lily standing in front of him. "Really? Pft." He shook his head. "You could've been honest."
"Didn't think you'd see me." She admitted.
"Listen, I may not like you. I may even feel like I owe you nothing. But, I'm not entirely heartless. If you got out of bed and drove here, in your..." he thought a few seconds about it, "... your condition, I wouldn't send you away before at least hearing what you have to say." He rolled his eyes impatiently.
"Sure." She giggled. "I can't be certain. Listen, I came to say thank you." She stood in a long gypsy-type skirt, with a belt, and long sleeved solid shirt. Her long black hair, with heavy sprinkles of grey was in a braid. And she wore a long knitted sweater that had short sleeves over top her long sleeved shirt. She looked better today than she'd looked in previous weeks. Damon held out his hand towards a seat.
"Sit."
She hesitantly walked to the chair and sat. Damon was still uncomfortable so he remained standing, hands in pocket, jacket on the back of his chair. "Well, son..." he hated her calling him that.
"Please call me Damon."
"I apologize. Damon thank you for accepting my invitation the other day. It means a lot to me that you allowed me to give you those important items. Especially the baby stuff. I hope that one day if you have a son, you can give these things to him. And remind him of all the amazing things you did growing up. Those piano lessons will pay off when you can play for him one day."
"There will be no children, in my future, Lily."
"Damon..." Damon held up his hand to stop her from trying to sympathize with his feelings, and he remained quiet. He was becoming angry, but he tried to stay composed.
"Anyways son- I mean Damon. Have you had a chance to look over everything I gave to you?"
"No, Lily. I have shit to do. Work. Business. A life. The things I did, before you came back."
"Which reminds me... why haven't you told me about you and Bonnie breaking up? I know I'm not the person you want me to be. And I am sorry. But, for the little time I'm here, I'm here for you."
"Number one, we will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, discuss the past, or pretend it didn't happen. It's not going to happen. Two... me and Bonnie aren't your business."
"She is my business. Because for the past six months, she has been my only confidant outside of Stefan. And even then, she and I have become much closer than Stefan and me."
"And you're proud of that, I suppose. Getting a kind-hearted person to accept you and all your flaws." It would only upset him knowing, Lily was lucky enough to have Bonnie in her life, when he didn't feel she deserved someone like Bonnie.
"She's been very good to me. Helping me, and making sure my last days here are being lived. Not that you owe me, because you don't. But... it means a lot to me, to have her. And for what it's worth- For all of the awful things I have contributed to in your life, I look back and realize I may have been wrong."
"MAY... have been?" He laughed sarcastically.
"The point is, I came to California to explain myself-"
"You mean, to find redemption before you die! You mean?" His harsh wording was just that. Harsh. He hurt in ways that he was beginning to feel were not going to heal.
"I mean, sure, I can allow you to believe it. But it's my job to prove that it's not true. To prove I'm here for no reason, other than my boys, and their families." His blue eyes looked towards her for seconds before he rolled them unsympathetically. You could almost here his blood rushing to his head, his temples throbbed so ferociously. He quickly looked away and tried to wipe his annoyance away, because he did t believe she deserved an ounce of emotion. "Anyways, she's been such a ray of light. And when I found out about you two breaking up, I was devastated."
"She told you?"
"No. I overheard her speaking to her mother on the phone."
"Of course. Her mother. Surely her mother is happy we aren't together."
"Son," he cut his eyes at her, "I mean, Damon. I have very good reason to believe that the two of you are supposed to be together. This time apart, you're both making a mistake. Trust me, I would know. The kind of love I couldn't give you, she is more than capable of. And I know, she has so much to give."
"Rich! You believing a love interest, can supplement for a mother's absence... there's no substitute. And I don't care anymore. So, if this isn't going anywhere, then-"
"Damon, she is the patience that you need. The care, the strength, the tenderness, the truth. She is all those things I couldn't give you. I have reason to believe I was brought here, at the end of my life, because both you and Stefan, needed some last bit of guidance, from me. The guidance I couldn't give you two when I left. Sarah and Bonnie... two good women. And no, it's not a substitute for a mother. But it's definitely the beautiful balance a man like Stefan and a man like you need." Damon stood up impatiently, and his eyes read nothing but anger.
"A man like me? A man like me!" He harshly rubbed his hands brought his hair, raising his voice and filling it with venom. "You have no idea what kind of man I am. You weren't there! I taught myself. I raised myself. I took care of my brother until he got married. I was you! I was a mother and a father, when I didn't know how to be one. I had two fucked up examples, woman!"
"Okay, Damon, I know-"
"The kind of man I am?" He yelled. "I don't even think you can comprehend the shit that happens in this mind of mine. This dark, twisted, screwed up, mind of mine! I'm not the hero-type. I'm the villain type, when it comes to women. The kind of man I am, doesn't deserve Bonnie. I deserve to be alone. And you taught me that better than anyone. I'm not someone she can save, and she shouldn't feel like she has to save me. It isn't Bonnie's job to save me! And you... You're going to die, Lily. Nothing will change that! You abandoned us. You left. Didn't call for years. No birthday cards. No assurance you were alive. You were dead to me. Dead! And no matter how hard you try, to redeem yourself, Bonnie can't save you either. She can't save me, or you, Lily. You are going to die, with the memories of what you did. You are just giving Bonnie one more person to lose. And that, in itself is completely unforgivable. Leave me, and abandon me. Fine. I've already dealt with it. But now, you're going to make her love you, only so you can die, and leave her. She doesn't deserve to love you and lose you. It's going to break her heart."
He was full of anger, breathing heavily, at the possibility that Bonnie would struggle losing Lily. And it hurt him to know, that he didn't want this for Bonnie months ago. He didn't want her to love his mother. And now she does, and the death of Lily is going to be one more thing to hurt Bonnie.
"Damon?" She gulped her pride, and remained, patient, knowing he needed to be angry at her. Her tears were unable to be withheld, because, she had no strength to hold back anything. He watched her cry and his face remained harsh and unforgiving. "You are absolutely right. I have no right. But- I have every obligation to look out for you. Even if I left. Even if I was wrong. I always loved you boys. And I know what's best for you. Despite, what I did, I raised you for fifteen years. I know who you are inside. You're a natural protector. A lover. A fighter. And a passionate man, with a very, very, deep way of loving. And she needs that. She, needs you. Whether you believe it or not."
"You don't get to tell me, what Bonnie needs. Now, please... get out." He said. His chest was catching up with his breathing.
"Damon, you'll have to face me before I go, you'll have to talk to me. Because you will never be able to move on, unless you tell me what you need to tell me. And son, I love you. I can take it. Because, trust me, no matter how angry at me you are, I know the truth about you."
"You wouldn't know me, if you watched me for the twenty-five years, you disappeared for."
"Oh is that so? Well, I know you hate hurting people. You, pushing me away, right now, is because you think it's easier, then telling me the truth about how you feel. Somewhere, deep down inside of you, you don't want to hurt me with that pain I put you through. It's easy to be mean, because you would rather me hate you than to feel hurt by you. I am your mother. I know you. And maybe that's what happened between you and Bonnie. You were afraid to hurt her, somehow. But, the truth was always something you were afraid to give, if it meant hurting people you loved. It's okay to be honest with me, Damon. I need you to know that I can take it. And I'll be waiting. Whenever you're ready."
She sat here and stare at him, unintimidated by his anger. But he refused to acknowledge the way she tried to explain, the things she knew never changed about the very core of her son.
"Go, Lily... go home."
She nodded her head, got up and quietly left his office. When the door shut, he sat still for a moment, still feeling the imprint this woman had left on him, wishing she'd never come to California. Damon sat enraged, with the anger filling to the brim inside of him, until he grabbed the vase on his desk and threw it at the back of the door.
Everything would be easier for Damon, if she just died. If Bonnie just disappeared, and if he never cared about loving either of the two women. Love got him, nothing, but confusion and pain.
His mind couldn't process his pain yet. He wasn't ready to process the pain that came with love.
Recap, Sarah and Bonnie get personal, about Damon, Stefan, kids, and Lily. Elijah and Damon discuss the possibility of Kol's reasons for proposing to Andie. And Damon possibly, being the bearer of bad news (btw Andie being pregnant is an assumption right now). Bonnie and Kat meet at the Bridal shop, and get very real about Bonnie's pain for the first time. She's not opened up about how she feels, because she's been trying to avoid dealing with the pain, and Kat realizes now, that Bonnie's distance from Damon, and reluctance has a lot to do with unsettled and unresolved issues involving Kol that she's not ready to address. Their lives change as Kat and Bonnie's lives switch places. And Lily goes to Damon's office, and tries to have a heart to heart, that he wasn't ready for, and basically got the cold shoulder from him. He has no idea how to process the pain he feels. Btw the infamous voicemail Bonnie left Damon will be addressed.
This whole chapter had to do with the process of starting to deal with pain as it pertains to love. I promise Bamon moments are coming. Thx for reading!
