26 – The Secret Life of Hawkeye – May 4, 2015
Aspen could only stand and stare at the woman Clint was claiming was his wife. Clint married? Clint Barton a.k.a. Hawkeye married? Aspen couldn't process this before two small beings came running forward to grab Clint in a hug. Kids. He had kids. Aspen was torn between surprise and hurt, but her foremost thought was that he had lied to her. Clint had omitted the very important detail of being married with kids. In all the years she'd known him… The kids were older. He'd definitely had them when they'd first met. People were talking around her, but she didn't hear a word of it. Steve was giving her a worried look from where he stood next to Thor. Clint glanced at her, his brow furrowed.
"I need some air," Aspen said. Everyone watched as she ran out the front door, but she didn't stop, didn't give any apology. The screen door slammed shut after her, but she didn't stop running until she was across the yard. A wooden swing hung from the low-hanging branch of one of the trees, and she dropped onto it. She heard footsteps a few minutes later and expected Steve had followed her, but it was Clint. She turned away, staring straight ahead.
"All the years we've known each other and it hasn't once occurred to you to tell me that you have a wife and kids?" Aspen asked.
"I know. I know, Pen. I was trying to keep them safe," he said with a long sigh.
"From who? From me? I wouldn't have told a soul," she said angrily.
"Not from you," Clint said, coming around the front of the swing. "From Hydra, from the Circus of Crime, from anyone who had a bone to pick with me. It was just easier keeping it a secret from everyone. Fury helped me set this up when I joined SHIELD."
"I thought I was your family," Aspen said softly, voicing what had really been bothering her. It was selfish and childish, she knew, but Clint was like family and family didn't lie like this. She thought she was more important to him than that.
"You are. Of course you are, Pen. You don't mean any less to me just because I have them too. I can care about more than three people."
Aspen took a deep breath. The last few days had been overwhelming and she wasn't feeling emotionally capable of handling any more surprises. She realized she wasn't being fair to Clint's family, but then she thought of how they probably knew all about her and she knew nothing about them. "I just wish you could have told me," she said.
"I know. I'm sorry, Pen. I should have. I guess I was just so used to keeping it a secret and it never seemed a good time to tell you. Once we got to be friends, once we earned each other's trust. But I guess it seemed more impossible the longer I waited."
Aspen was silent. Clint's words struck a cord with her. He wasn't the only one keeping secrets. She understood better than anyone how it only got more difficult to tell the truth. "I do understand why you kept it a secret."
"Pen, you are like a daughter or little sister to me. I love you like family, and I hope you know that." She could tell how hard Clint was trying to make amends. It didn't make up for the lies, but it was a start. "Will you at least meet them? They've been dying to meet you."
"What are their names?" Aspen asked. "Your kids?"
"Cooper and Lila."
"I never pegged you for a dad," Aspen said. "No offense, just…"
"I know, I know. I don't really exude that wise fatherly figure," Clint said with a chuckle.
"I just pictured you more of the hard-on-his luck bachelor."
Clint snorted. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"Any time."
"So will you come in and meet them?" Clint asked.
Aspen nodded, but she suddenly felt shy. Her sudden departure had not been very mature. "I probably made a fool of myself," she said.
"After all we've been through. After yesterday." Clint shook his head. "Everyone understands." He held out his hand like a peace offering and she decided to take it.
When they reentered the house, Aspen found that Thor and Steve were missing. "You're not the only one who needed fresh air," Clint told her. Natasha was chatting with Clint's little girl. Bruce sat on the couch looking vaguely uncomfortable. Tony was hovering in the doorway looking uncertain. None of them had expected this.
Laura was looking hesitant, standing in the kitchen next to where the kettle was warming up on the stove. Clint nudged Aspen's arm, and Aspen stepped toward the kitchen. "Hi," she said. "I'm sorry I ran out like that. I guess I was just surprised."
"I understand," Laura said, smiling. "I wish things could have been different. I feel like you're already part of the family."
"I want to be." As Laura moved around the counter, Aspen started. She was pregnant. "You're expecting?"
Laura touched her round stomach. "A boy," she said.
"I'm happy for you," Aspen said, looking between Clint and Laura. "I mean it." On a whim, she reached forward and hugged Laura. The woman hugged her back.
"Let me introduce you to the kids," Clint said, pulling Aspen over to where they were showing Natasha their artwork.
"Cooper, Lila, this is Aspen."
"Hi," Aspen said shyly.
"Hello." The little girl handed Aspen one of her drawings. It was of a girl wearing a cape. The girl had red hair.
"That's you," Lila said.
Aspen stared down at the drawing, speechless. "Wow, thank you," she said. "Can I keep it?" The girl nodded, and Aspen smiled.
Clint introduced his son, and Aspen felt her initial tension melting away. The kettle reached boiling and Laura began pulling mugs from the cupboard. Clint went to help her.
"I take it you knew about this," Aspen said to Natasha after the kids had moved off.
Natasha nodded. "Sorry," she said. "You know we didn't mean to keep it a secret from you."
"I know. It makes sense that you would know. I mean, you and Clint go way back. I'm glad he had someone to share this with." She looked around, hoping Steve would come back, but he and Thor were still absent.
"Steve went outside. I think he's still shaken after…after yesterday," Natasha told her, following her gaze.
"I should go find him," Aspen said.
She slipped out of the house again, standing on the porch for a moment to look around for Steve. When she couldn't find him, she reached out her senses, looking for his familiar presence. He was somewhere behind the house and she set off, climbing over the low wooden fence and walking through a meadow. She heard a creek trickling quietly in the distance. Steve stood at its edge, staring off into the distance. Trees lined the bank on the other side, and birds were chattering within them. Steve didn't turn around when she approached. His shield was still strapped to his back, and he looked weary in a way that went beyond physical. Aspen stepped forward to stand by his side.
"I saw Peggy," he said. "And Bucky." He didn't need to tell her he was talking about his vision. She knew it was still weighting heavily on him. She could see the emotion in his eyes as he gazed ahead.
"Memories or nightmares?" she asked softly.
"A little of both. One was the life I could have had if things had turned out differently in the war. The other…" He closed his eyes as if trying to block out the memories.
"You don't have to talk about it."
"It's all right. I want to talk about it with you. The other was the memory of Bucky falling. He was there though, standing with me as I watched him fall. He kept asking me why I hadn't reached a little further, why I hadn't saved him…" His voice was tight with pain that would never really go away even though he knew Bucky had survived the fall. It was something that he lived with everyday, but he usually kept those emotions locked tightly away where they couldn't get in the way of being an Avenger. Aspen had tried to tell him that it was okay to let his own emotions escape every once in awhile, but he was always the soldier, always looking out for everyone else before himself.
"She knew just how to take us down," she said. "Knew just what memories would bring us to our knees."
"Do you want to talk about what you saw?" Steve turned to look at her, eyes dark with emotion. It was the first time she'd really seem him let himself feel his own pain, and it reminded her that it was always there even if she couldn't see it.
"I saw home. I saw my parents. I saw the life that might have been if the Superhero Serum had never existed." She took a deep breath. "But you were gone. You died in New York during the invasion." Steve was quiet, letting her speak. "The vision shifted and I was reliving my worst memories of Doctor Rinehart. It was so real…"
"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to relive that."
"She's dead. She shouldn't be able to still scare me, but she does."
They stood in silence for a long moment, taking in the stillness of the farm. After the last few days, it was everything Aspen needed.
"Did you know about Clint?" Steve asked, breaking the silence. He turned to look back at the house.
"No."
"That must have been a shock for you. I know it was for the rest of us. I never would have even suspected."
"Me neither. It really hurt at first to realize he'd been keeping something that important from me, someone that important. But I understand why he did it. We'll do anything to keep the ones we love safe, even lie to friends if we have to."
"In my vision – the one with Peggy, she told me we could go home. That the war was over and we could go home… I guess it just hit me hard coming here and seeing that somehow, even in this crazy life, Clint had that. He has a home. He has a family. It should be impossible but here it is."
"You're afraid you'll never have that."
"I'm afraid we'll never have that." He turned his eyes to her and they were filled with longing now.
"We don't know that. We don't know what the future will hold." Aspen reached out and touched his hand. "But I do know we can't give up hoping. Maybe this is a sign – maybe this is proof that we can have what Clint has. Okay, maybe minus the two going on three kids, but a life that's normal. Even if it's part of the time. It's still something." Steve nodded, still looking uncertain.
"I'd like that."
"Let's go inside," Aspen said, nodding her head toward the house. "Laura made tea, and I think we could both use a distraction."
Steve let her lead him back, setting his shield inside the front door before entering the living room. Natasha, Clint, Laura, and Bruce were seated, Natasha surrounded by Clint's kids. Tony was still leaning against the wall, cup of tea held between both his hands like a comfort object. His eyes flitted to Steve as he and Aspen walked in.
"Plenty of room," Clint said, motioning for them to take a seat on the couch next to Bruce. Two mugs of tea sat on the coffee table for them, and Aspen drank hers appreciatively.
"Everything okay?" Clint asked.
"Yeah," Aspen replied. "Yeah, it's just been a really long few days."
"Whenever you want to get some rest, the bed is made in the guest bedroom," Laura said kindly.
"Thank you." Sleep did sound good but Aspen wasn't sure she wanted to fall asleep. Sleep meant dreams and dreams sometimes turned into nightmares. It was early morning anyway and she felt like she should stay awake longer. They had a lot to figure out.
They talked for awhile but no one really had any ideas. Eventually everyone decided they needed a distraction more than anything. Planning could come later when they had some idea of how to continue on. For now they just needed to recover. Steve changed out of his uniform and he and Tony volunteered to chop some wood for the Bartons' fireplace. Clint took Cooper and Lila out to the front porch to work on the railing there and Natasha said something about taking a shower.
Aspen changed into some of the clothes she had on the jet: jeans, a worn T-shirt, and a sweatshirt she'd stolen from Steve that was a few sizes too big but smelled like him. She sat on the porch with Clint watching Steve and Tony chop lumber, Steve's pile growing twice as fast as Tony's.
"How are you holding up?" Clint asked, casting a glance at her. She was huddled there, hands buried deep in the pockets of the sweatshirt.
"I'm okay," she told him. She felt safer than she had in the last few days but also restless because she knew they couldn't stay in this sanctuary forever. Eventually they'd have to leave and go off to face their problems. It was their responsibility after all, their problem. They couldn't hide here and hope it went away. "I see why you have this place here, why you call it a safe house," she said. "It's lovely and quiet."
"I should have brought you with me," Clint said.
"It's okay. I might not have wanted to leave," she told him with a wistful smile. "It's like a world apart."
"You're welcome any time. After this is all over."
"I'm just glad you have it. That you have your family. Everyone deserves to have that. Especially you. You deserve it. You made me feel like I had family even when I had nothing."
"You're part of my family, Pen. You have a big family that cares about you very much. Don't ever doubt that." Clint put a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe some day you'll have a family of your own too." He looked over to where Steve was talking to Tony.
"That seems like something far off in the future," Aspen said. "I still feel like a child half the time. I still feel this need to be loved and to be cared for despite so many years of taking care of myself."
"We all need that," Clint assured her. "You're not a child anymore. Them, however…" His eyes were set on Steve and Tony and Aspen glanced up just in time to see Steve rip a log in half with his bare hands.
"Oh God, what now?" she asked. Tony and Steve looked tense, eyes flashing. "I can't leave them alone for five seconds, I swear."
She was about to get up and intercede, but Laura came to the rescue, walking up and asking Tony something. With one more glare at Steve, Tony turned and headed toward the barn. "He's all yours," Clint said, patting Aspen's shoulder and turning to pick up Lila. He and his kids went back inside, and Aspen got up and made her way over to Steve.
"Stressful wood-chopping session?" she asked casually, kicking a piece of lumber back into Tony's woeful looking pile. "You'd think wielding an axe so close to Tony would be good stress relief."
"It's just…it's been a long day." He let out a long breath.
"I think we all feel that way. Tensions are high. Tony is aggravating. I get it."
"I just didn't think my team was keeping so many secrets," Steve said. "Thor's off trying to figure out more about whatever vision he had, but I have no idea when he'll be back."
"Well I'm not keeping secrets and I never will from you," she said.
"I appreciate that. I'd never keep anything from you either."
"Hey, why don't we try to distract ourselves? Just for a little while before we have to go back and face the real world." She reached out, sliding her hands into his.
"What did you have in mind?" he asked.
"I was thinking about exploring a little. Finding somewhere quiet and out of the way. Spending some quality time together. We never did get that vacation. Maybe a few hours is all we get, but it's better than nothing."
Steve looked back at the house, but Aspen pulled him away. "We can talk about Ultron later. We can plan out how to save the world later. Can we just have right now for us?" she asked.
"Okay." He let her lead him behind the house, past the wood fence and into the trees. They walked for a few minutes, enjoying the sun as it flitted across their skin, dancing through the branches of the trees. There was another fence deeper into the trees. Aspen didn't know if it was the property line or an old fence, but they stopped there as if they'd break the illusion of paradise if they went any further. Aspen hopped onto the fence and slid a finger through one of the belt loops on Steve's jeans, pulling him closer to her. She was level with him now, and she could see the layers of worry in his eyes, the stress and the pain of the last few days. She wanted to make that all disappear, replace the worry with something, anything, else. She leaned forward and kissed him, pressing her palm against his chest. He leaned into her, placing one hand on her waist and the other on her knee. At first the kiss was hesitant like he was still certain he should be back at the house going over detailed plans for how to take down Ultron. His mind wasn't on the kiss as much as Aspen wanted it to be. She kissed him harder, curling her fingers into his shirt and pulling him forward so that he was inches from her. She leaned forward a little, brushing closer to him. He was warm and familiar and she felt her nightmares sliding away. They meant nothing next to him.
"I love you," he said against her lips. She could hear his heart in those three words. She had his attention now. She kissed him back in reply, trying to put every bit of how much she loved him into the kiss. Her hands went around his neck, running through his soft hair.
"After this is over," Steve said, pressing his forehead against hers, "when Ultron is gone, and we're not dealing with all this…there's something I want to talk to you about."
Aspen pulled back a little so she could look at him properly. "You can't talk about it now?"
He met her gaze, eyes clear. "I want it to be the right time. Right now is…chaotic. There's so much at stake." He looked nervous though she couldn't understand why.
"I understand. Let's not worry about that chaos right now though."
"I like that idea." He kissed her again, and she let herself fall into it. After a minute she couldn't remember why she'd been stressed. After a few more she'd forgotten all about her visions. All she knew was that this moment was perfect and even if Ultron ruined things tomorrow, he couldn't take today from them. No one could because it was theirs.
