Off-topic A/N: Hi everyone, it's been some time since I a/n'ed. I've been busy moving into a new home with a new hubby and so begins a new chapter in my life :) It's exciting and tiring, so yeah, writing is one thing I've been squeezing in a few minutes here and there. I'll definitely update everything – the plots are all in my head! Please do continue to support my writing.

Enjoy the new chapter of Caresses!

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Kira studied his face in the mirror. Then he tugged the collar down and touched the dark mark on his neck. The slight sting told him that he hadn't healed it properly, and he knew why. Quickly darting into a shower cubicle, Kira loosened the belt of his yukata.

"I'm sick," he told himself. But he still reached down between his legs and wrapped his hand about his erection, pumping as he recalled everything Gin inflicted.

Gin had pinned Kira down, his hips thrusting roughly forward, his mouth hungrily tasting all down Kira's neck. The blond whimpered with each thrust, his gasps coming more and more shallowly. And then a sharp burst of exquisite sensation smashed into Kira. His voice broke as he cried out, his fingers digging into the smooth back above him, his hips locking forward. Vision blurred, Kira could only surrender to the man above him, begging for more. When he felt teeth sink into the junction of his neck and shoulder Kira screamed as he released, pain and pleasure blended into one incoherent mess.

"Gin." Kira shuddered and gasped quietly for breath, his hand sticky with his seed. "Gin... I need... oh gods."

It had been some time, and still that night plagued him. Kira washed his hands, his mood dour and sullen. He wished he could erase the recollection from his head, just as he had just washed his hands clean of his sick obsession. Ever since that night, he had been increasingly disturbed by how much he had responded to the pain.

Renji was right. He needed help.

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"Knock knock." A silver head came around the door. "Kira Izuru, you around?"

Kira jumped to his feet the second he recognized the voice. "Ichimaru-taichou?"

"Ichimaru-taichou," Renji ground out from between his teeth.

"Izuru," said Gin, his gaze fixed on the redhead even as he flashed a cheerful smile, "I've been looking for you. Come for a walk with me." Kira hesitated only a moment; Renji pulled lightly on Kira's pants leg. The blond tugged out of his friend's hold and ran up to the captain. Gin smiled wider and added, "I'll take good care of him fer ya, Abarai-kun."

Kira pondered over that statement. Did Renji really have feelings for him? Was that why he was so protective recently? Yet there was no other signal that showed any attraction on Renji's part.

Hmm. I think I'm thinking too much. As the younger male forced his thoughts away from his best friend, he realized that he was being led away from the dormitories.

"Gin? A-are you all right?" Kira asked timidly.

Gin's answer was a tad too relaxed. "Why shouldn't I be? Good weather-" It was an angry bruise-purple overhead, but Kira didn't mention it; "a cute young man beside me... I feel decades younger already."

The captain had faint worry lines in his brow and a sorrowful cast to his mouth when he was not smiling. Kira swallowed; he had to probe further or else he would never be able to rest.

"But... what about the tall European gentleman you were showing around the other day?"

"He's left, Izuru." That reply was firm, almost curt, but Gin softened his tone. "We're old friends. He came to visit and to tell me that he's about to start a new life." The look on the pale, pointed face explained far more than his words, and Kira kicked himself mentally.

"Oh." That man has just passed away. Faded out. Kira bit on his lower lip, wishing he had left well enough alone. "I'm sorry."

Gin seemed grateful that the topic was dropped. He looped an arm over Kira's thin shoulders. "Never mind that. How come you haven't been answering my letters?"

"Letters?" Kira blinked rapidly. "I didn't get any letters..." He paused. Then his blue eyes narrowed.

"What is it?"

"I'm gonna kill Abarai Renji!" snapped the younger man. How DARE he! Who the hell is he to read my correspondence! And those were PRIVATE!

Gin chuckled. "Okay... I'm guessing that ain't the real 'kill him' kind of 'kill him'."

"No, of course not!" Kira blew out his cheeks. "Who could contemplate such a thing? It's just that – I knew he'd been acting odd! He'd been intercepting my letters! How dare he – oooh, I'm gonna throttle him and-" He was cut off by a full-on kiss.

Gin's tongue slipped into Kira's mouth and explored leisurely, coaxing soft whimpers and weak moans out of the younger male. When the silver-haired captain released him, Kira clung to Gin's haori.

"You're cute when you're angry," teased Gin, tapping on Kira's nose. Then the expression became tender. "I'm sorry about that night. I didn't mean to... I saw what I left on your body. I'm sorry."

Kira felt blood surging to his face and looked down, away from the hidden blue-green gaze.

Gin stroked the pale golden hair. "Izuru?"

"I-I thought, I thought you hated me," Kira babbled. "I... there was no word from you and... I was afraid to talk to you and Renji was saying that – that you hurt me and that I was stupid to-"

The older male pulled Kira into a hug and shushed him gently. "It's alright, I lost control. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I won't hurt you again. I'm sorry."

Won't hurt me again? Then I'll never feel the ecstasy of that night again, the loss of myself in pleasure and the surrender... "...but Gin," stammered Kira, burying his face into fabric. He could not look at Gin while he said it; he could not bear to witness the disgust he was certain would appear, but he had to say it, "Gin, am I sick?"

"Why are you asking that?"

"Because I..." Oh gods, please stop now, I can't tell him but he HAS to know, he has to, and maybe then I will know if he wants me for me. "When I felt the marks, th-the bruises... I really felt – Gin, when you..." say it, say it because he deserves to know the truth "hurt me... I loved it. I loved feeling each mark you left on me and I thought I was sick in the head for even thinking it and-and yet I hated myself for even liking it and now I'm telling you all this oh gods you're gonna hate me because I'm so completely out of my mind-"

Before the pale blond could ramble himself into tears, Gin shook him. "Hey. Breathe."

Kira inhaled shallowly. He could feel the tears at the corners of his eyes and readied himself for rejection.

"Izuru," Gin murmured, "I don't hate you."

You don't? You don't! Call me Izuru again, please! Kira nibbled back his hope.

Gin brushed over Kira's cheek. "I'm sorry I hurt you before, but if you really enjoy it, we can work something out."

"Y-you mean..."

A suggestive leer painted itself over the silver-haired shinigami's face. "You're not the only person in the world who enjoys feeling sensations, Izuru. And I, uh... I aim to please when I have a lover."

Kira felt his face grow hot. "But it's wrong, isn't it?"

"If you like it," murmured Gin in Kira's ear, "how can it be wrong?"

"But... to want to be hurt..." Kira was almost sobbing with conflicting thoughts now, self-loathing and guilt warring for control with harsh, blinding desire. "I-I can't imagine why I can even think that, I can't imagine how I can like it, to-to want it."

Gin soothed Kira, holding him as if calming a child. "Because you're you, Izuru. It's you, and you can't explain that. You're the person staring in a mirror asking the mirror to explain why you look the way you look. It's impossible, Izuru. Just accept it."

"It's wrong," repeated Kira, trying to free himself. "Isn't it?"

Gin tightened his embrace. "It's not wrong if you like it. Tell yourself that, Izuru. Say it."

"It's not...wrong, it's not wrong if I... if I like it."

"Say it again."

"It's not wrong if... if I like it." Kira sniffed again, and closed his eyes. It's not wrong. It's not wrong. He accepts it in me. I... I accept this in me. Kira felt himself relax into Gin's embrace and the words settle into his soul. I'm not sick. It's not wrong. I want it, it's not wrong.

Gin's breath dusted over Kira's ear. "So Izuru, do you want me to hurt you when we make love?"

It's not wrong, it's not wrong, it's not wrong.

"Mark me as yours, every time," whispered Kira. "Please."

"As you wish."

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It wasn't long before Gin sent Kira back to the dormitory, and the captain made sure he kissed Izuru at the entrance of the room he shared with Abarai Renji in full view of the redhead. After Gin left, Kira shut the door and leaned his forehead over it, before he turned around to meet Renji's stony glare.

"I want to speak with you." Kira's blue gaze bore into Renji. "Now."

"Good," replied Renji. "Same here."

The blond cocked his head. "So who's on first? Shall we toss a coin?"

"Let's make it easy. I'll start." The taller male folded his arms. "Izuru, Ichimaru-taichou isn't healthy for you. You know this. Ever since you've met him you've been hung up on him. You wrecked a great relationship with Hisagi for him, you've turned into this lovesick little puppy that fawns over him, and you came back marked with bruises and bite marks after one single night in his bed. You even drank yourself into a stupor for him. How can that be a man you wanna stay with?"

Kira narrowed his eyes. "That's loads better than a guy who pries into things that aren't his business, who deliberately hides facts from his best pal, and butts in with advice that wasn't asked for, don't you think?"

"Hides facts? What do you mean, hides facts?"

"Oh, cut the acting Renji," snapped Kira. "You opened letters that were addressed to me, didn't you? You intercepted his notes to me. Just because you can't get the girl you want doesn't mean you can stop me from getting with the man I want!"

Renji sputtered angrily, "Don't you equate your situation with me. Rukia is out of my reach, I get that. I am NOT venting my frustration by sabotaging you!"

Izuru stepped forward. "Then what are you doing?"

"I am trying to look out for you!" yelled Renji, prodding Kira in the chest. "I have seen so-called "affectionate behavior" escalate into worlds of hurt, Kira Izuru. First is just some drunken rough violent sex, and then it's just rough violent sex, and after that it's all – just – violence!"

Izuru swatted the large hand aside. "Don't you bloody yell at me, Rukongai stray! You have no concept of what Ichimaru-taichou and I have!"

"What do you share in common, Izuru?" Renji demanded hotly. "What in the fucking world do you have in common, other than being male and wanting to get into each other's pants?"

"We-" Kira was momentarily robbed of words. "There are, there are things that-"

The red-haired male sighed. "Izuru, don't fool yourself. You and I both know that there is no reason why Ichimaru-taichou would love you."

Kira sucked in breath and turned away. "He doesn't," he ground the words out. "He doesn't, and I know it. I am not fooling myself, Renji. I'm not."

Renji sighed again and grabbed Kira into a hug. The two stood together for a moment. Kira murmured, "Ren, I know he doesn't love me. He's said it. I understand it. But I can't help loving him, don't you see? I love him, and even if it's just scraps of his affection, even if... I don't even care if it's violent sex or anything... I'll take whatever I can get. It's pathetic-"

"-It's not pathetic-"

"It is pathetic, and I'm pathetic, but please, Renji," the blond's voice was so soft now that Renji could barely hear it, "please stop interfering. Just... just leave me be. Let me take what I can get. I can never, never have all of him. Let me have what I can get."

"I don't want to see you hurt," replied Renji. His arm tightened on his slender friend.

Kira sniffed. "That's nice of you." Then his tone turned somber. "You can turn the other way, Renji. I'm not gonna hold it against you."

"How can I do that?" asked Renij, holding Kira by his thin shoulders. "You're my best friend, fer cryin' out loud!"

Kira's expression was set and obstinate. "Promise me, Renji, that until I come to you for help, look the other way."

Renji let go and swiveled away from the blond. "I can't do that! I cannot watch you- I don't know what he's gonng do, and I can't just watch if he is hurting you!"

"I said, look the other way," Kira insisted. "Look – the – other – way, Abarai Renji. Look at me, now. Look me in the eyes."

"Forget it, Izuru, I can't make that promise."

"You will," said Kira quietly. "I know that I will keep on with Ichimaru-taichou. You know you'll always be concerned. What I need, Renji, is for you to be concerned, but not to get involved."

Renji snorted. "You might as well as for me to be soutaichou. It's fucking impossible."

"Who are you to me, Renji? Are you my lover? Are you my boyfriend, my brother, my father?" The slender male bowed his head. "Please, Renji. I need to know that, when I need help, there will be someone."

"You will always have me," said Renji. "I am your friend. I'm your friend, and that means I won't look away." He rubbed his palm over his mouth. "I'll keep watch, Izuru. And the second, the second I find out that he's not treating you right, that you're being abused, I'll help."

"You can't beat him-"

"- I don't have to," Renji cut him off. "Reinforcements, Izuru. There are friends out there who love you too, even if you refuse to see anyone other than Ichimaru Gin."

Kira breathed out slowly. He sank down and buried his face in his hands. "I give up. I give up, Ren. I give up."

His friend hunkered down and laid a hand on Kira's pale blond head. "Please. Izuru, don't give up."

"I give up on me, I give up on you, I give up on this." Kira started chuckling, but it was laughter borne of despair. "I give up. Do what the fuck you want, Renji, I just... I just want to be with him."

The two young men sat silent on the floor.

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