7 years in.


In the end, we decided to go to both our parents' places for the winter break. We'd be stopping at her mom's first, on the virtue of it being the closer stop.

Naturally, we're taking the train. While I indulge myself as much as I can in gazing at the Japanese countryside racing by, eventually it all starts to look the same, so we start chatting about this and that.

"It just occurred to me that I haven't asked you something that was always on my mind."

She gives me a mildly puzzled look, then nods her head: "About my condition, right?"

"Yep," I nod, then continue: "Do you remember your dreams when you sleep?"

"Always. I don't remember a time when I didn't."

The reply comes so quickly. She probably heard the question dozens of times.

"So… are they nice dreams?"

"Sometimes?" she shrugs, "Sometimes they're bad, other times they're not."

"And what do you dream about?"

"Seeing the world."

Words form, but never leave my mouth. Of late, they've been sluggish, hard to push out. Listening has become more important.

"My grandparents are seeing the world as we speak," she almost smiles, looking off into the distance, "but they're 60 years old. For them, seeing it all is a reward… "

There's a brief pause, and she shakes her head, as if to dispel such a far-fetched dream:

"I want it to be a memory."

I lean back deeper into my unusually comfortable seat. A lone temple sits atop a hill that zooms past the train window, followed by an isolated grove of trees sitting amid farmland. I fancy that I see people there, working, but it's not the season.

A fellow passenger drops his phone, and his earphones go with it, blaring the pop-hit of the month. A few of his older peers give him dirty looks, and he bashfully packs up, trying to evaporate from his seat.

"Let's do it," I hear myself say.

It's not that I didn't want to say it, the words were there, they're still mine, but they're distant, like I'm fishing them out of fast-running water.

"That'd be nice, right?" she chuckles, "too bad that's way out of my price range."

"How bad do you want to go?"

There's a look in her eye, one that's been cropping up more and more often. I like it when she gets that look.

"If you've something to say, Mikhail…"

Mikuhairu… an aspect of me that came to life here at the academy… sure, I lived in Japan for years, but recently, it's only my days in Yamaku that truly seem real.

Memories of Kanon, of Kyo… they come less frequently now. I don't want to think about what they would say now – they're not them anymore, no more than I am Mikhail. Are the things we talked about even relevant anymore?

Then again, that's not fair. I'm still that person, and in a way, I always knew I had the potential to become the variation of said person I am today… but I couldn't have known the way this transformation would manifest itself…

She's still looking at me, waiting for an answer. She's noticed my newfound capacity for silence, she made it obvious that she has, but it doesn't seem to bother her.

"I don't think it's impossible."

She gives me an inquisitive look.

"Ok, maybe not impossible… but quite unlikely."

I nod.

The station is still an hour or so away. The anticipation of everything we can and will do on break fills us, in turn, with giddiness and dread.

"If that's what you want, just say the word. I'll find a way."

"Hey, that's sweet and all, but…"

I interrupt her.

"If I had the good fortune to be born wealthy, why wouldn't I share it with someone I believe deserves it? And further, it's not like I'll just spend recklessly. Everything I spend, I have the means to earn back."

She tilts her head. I take it as a sign to continue.

"Our last year is coming to a close… I had to think about what I want to do with my life."

And think I did.

My parents are both experts – it's why we're as wealthy as we are. They've decided that pursuing their careers was more important than devoting their full time and attention to their son.

I'm slighted, sure, but it's not as if they were actively malicious – they didn't know better. Dad tried, he had me with him on his travels, teaching me this and that, showing in his own clumsy way that he genuinely wants what's best for me.

So, the way I will honor that is by always striving to be the best me I can be. And since I'm trustworthy enough of a sort to win friends in a school for the disabled as someone who's only half-japanese… the world is my oyster.

Maybe I'll go study medicine, match my mother's skill at stitching people back together.

Maybe I'll follow in father's footsteps and stand as the bridge that connects people to those things they want.

Maybe I'll travel the world with the kind soul that's sitting across from me, sponsored by some philanthropic organization that donates to Yamaku, amongst other things.

So many roads are open now…

"I want to honor the people who put their faith in me…" my voice trails off.

She smiles.

It doesn't matter what I do, as long as she's there. If I could put it into words, what she means to me...

"Hey, Suzu."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

She blushes, and I notice one of our fellow passengers frowning. I merely shrug in his direction.

"I, uh…feel the same…" she manages to eke out.

And just like that, we keep going.


"So, I have to go set up the guest room for you, you sure you can handle my mom?"

I nod, confident that presenting myself as the regular, sane individual that I am won't be too difficult.

Not hesitating any further, Suzu dashes up the stairs, disappearing around a corner and leaving me in her kitchen, just as her mother steps inside.

"Once again, apologies, it takes a moment to park the old SUV…"

Unlike her daughter, Mrs. Suzuki doesn't dye her hair – it's a subtle black, totally appropriate for the working-from-home lifestyle she supposedly leads. After her husband's illness and subsequent death, Mrs. Suzuki took to copywriting to make a living – something clicked, since she's been living a very comfortable life despite the misfortune.

"So, you're Suki's boyfriend?"

Wow, this woman doesn't beat around the bush.

"Uh… yes?"

She gives me a long, focused look, then nods, as if to confirm the validity of her daughter's choice.

"That's good. She was always better off when there was someone around… no one in our family deals with loneliness that well, you know."

Though I made a point of not looking around, I don't recall seeing anything to indicate anyone but a single woman living in the house…

I swear to god, if this woman is trying to hit on me…

"Suzu was doing fine before I came along. Somewhat pricklier than now, but still pretty ok."

Her mother smiles, reaching into a cabinet and producing a trio of glasses and a bottle of soda.

"Ah yes, her friend…Muira? A good kid, though far too carefree with other people's property."

I decide not to ask.

"So, uh… you're completely fine with me staying here, and Suzu staying over with me in Shiogama?"

She waves the question off, smiling.

"Of course! It's good for her to get out of the house, and you strike me as a very kind young man."

"The kindest, ma'am," I laugh.

"So, I hear you're a recent arrival to the school?"

"That I am. I thought I could make it through high school despite my condition, but it wasn't to be… honestly, I feel I'm better off having went."

She gives a nod, pushing forward my glass:

"Suzu, come down here! Your boyfriend and dear mother are waiting on you!"

Then, muffled, from upstairs:

"Yeah, I'm there in a minute! Where'd you put my charger?"

Her mom chuckles:

"It's exactly where she left it… now wait for it…."

A few seconds pass, and I raise my eyebrows, not sure what exactly I'm waiting for.

"Got it!"

Ah. Makes sense. She's quick to join us downstairs, having changed to a loose T-shirt.

"Ok, so it should be habitable. If it isn't… tough luck."

"I don't know, the floor looks fairly comfortable."

"If it isn't, you'll go back there and make it so, young lady."

"Ugh… yes, I was planning to."

Her mom grins:

"Oh, in that case it's alright."

She gets one of the dirtiest looks I've seen Suzu deliver, but doesn't flinch in the slightest.

I don't know what I've expected, but this doesn't seem particularly out of the ordinary.

It is a bit odd that a single woman can sustain a two-story house, but I've seen people accomplish some pretty insane things with good money management as I was growing up, so I don't know how valid the concern is.

I reckon it'd be best if I stop wondering about stuff that doesn't concern me, however. There's only so much time I'll have to enjoy my break.


The display on my phone says it's almost 10PM. I stifle a yawn, and tap out a reply to my dad's text, assuring him that I'm still alright and that I'll still be getting home when I said I would.

Suzu fell asleep next to me, her breathing pretty much the only sound in the room aside from the heating's low, near-imperceptible rumble.

Despite the late hour, it's bright outside – the neighborhood is covered in an eerily bright moonlight. It's a full moon, and while I'd hoped that I could still see the stars, we're close enough to the cities that they're hidden behind the light pollution.

I consider waking Suzu up in order to go back to the guest room and sleep, but I don't find it in me to disturb her sleep. She looks really cute, especially now that she's in her home clothes, and without makeup.

What if her mom comes by in the morning, though? Will she assume it's just her daughter's condition? That'd be a scene, explaining that, I have, in fact, not had sex with that woman.

It's a matter of time, anyway. Suzu's been getting restless, pulling me aside every chance she gets. I'm also feeling the need, but I figure it's bad form to indulge when I'm literally in her childhood home. Not that that doesn't have a certain fetish-like quality about it, but…

The display says 10:15. I put my phone on the night stand.

Tomorrow we're going shopping again. She was hinting at some special snack she wants to prepare, but prying a straight answer out of her when she wants to play coy is about as easy as getting a coherent thought from Kenji.

Last time, I had to get that guy's help. Never did check in with him after that… Wonder what happened to him.

It's kind of strange to consider that, soon, I won't have anything to do with any of the people I've met in Yamaku. Sure, I'll make sure to keep in touch with Mikado and Riese… maybe Katayama, too… but everyone else will, in hindsight, be a bit player, completely irrelevant to who I am and what I do in the future.

It's like I'm depersonalizing them, but there's really no ill intent behind it. It's just the way things turned out.

I think back to Kyo, to Kanon, to everyone who abandoned me when I had the fall… I don't feel the same things I've felt before. It's like a haze fell over all those emotions – they fray at the edges and lose focus.

I'm no longer affected. It's liberating.

It's also concerning. Am I moving on too easily? Isn't a person supposed to wrestle with their feelings until some big event happens to inspire them to break the cycle?

Then again, there was a big event – grandmother.

Honestly, when I look back, so much happened since that day in Shiogama.

But I don't regret any of it.

I've thought about it before, and I haven't changed my mind.

That's a good thing… I think.

I haven't changed my mind about Suki either. There's a light in her that I need in my life.

Yeah, there's the quipping and the flirtation, and shooting puns at one another until we're sick of them… but when the quiet sets in, when we're alone in a room, split between reality and the dream… that's when I feel it.

I don't know what love is. It's probably one of those things that are so complicated that every definition by way of words will inevitably fall short of encapsulating the whole concept.

But… I think I can feel it. And that's enough.

"…"

I reach over and check my phone. It's 10:20.

Fuck this, I have to sleep.


And that's that.

In hindsight, I was trying to capture something grandiose and outlandish for the ending. This wasn't the right fit for the story.

Ultimately, Mikhail's story is, and was, about learning to trust, and trying to move forward. Maybe now he can. I sure have.

Thank you all for the feedback and encouragement over the years, and if anyone of the original followers is still here, I hope this is the closure you've been waiting for.

Cheers!