As Allie laid on her bed in H1, her eyes were red and puffy as they had been for the week since Bea's return. Bea was still giving her the cold shoulder, and the rest of the women were as confused as she was. She remembered how hurt and angry Bea was when the Freak tried to kill her and blamed it on the Red Right Hand crew, including Allie. Bea had pain and disbelief in her eyes. This time was different. It felt different. Yes, Bea had again ended their relationship without talking to Allie, but she still felt that Bea cared, and she was always watching even if distantly.
Maxine had suggested to talk to Ms. Westfall about it, her appointment was soon, she was just waiting for a guard to come and collect her. She didn't know what to say to her, their weekly sessions had been going well. So far Allie had resisted the urge to go back to the drugs so she didn't have to feel the pain she is in. There was plenty around, Tina's supply was back in full swing, and Kaz was doing nothing about it. This made her angry, again. Kaz was told about the supply and women were losing their shit because of her inaction. Allie wondered why Kaz was so different in prison. She would never have stood for it on the outside.
"Novak!" Ms. Miles called from the gate. Allie jumped off the bed immediately and met her within seconds. "Ready, I don't have all day." Ms. Smiles snapped, although a slight grin crept across her face. "Yeah, let's go." Allie replied, zipping up her jacket, just for something to do. They walked in silence for a few minutes.
"You look like shit, Novak." Allie spun around in disbelief. Ms. Miles kept walking, not breaking stride. "Geez, thanks Smiles, looking good yourself." Allie replied sarcastically. "You and Bea off then?" Allie was uneasy, she didn't like discussing this with Ms. Miles. "Yeah…" Allie said, getting lost in her thoughts.
"What's her plan?" Ms. Miles asked Allie in barely more than a whisper, again not looking at her. Allie stopped walking and looked at Ms. Miles as she continued on. "Keep walking Novak!" Ms. Miles said loudly and harshly. Once Allie had caught up with her again, "keep walking and just answer me, you don't want to draw attention." Ms. Miles hissed.
"What plan? I don't know anything about a plan." Allie kept her eyes forward, but looked at Ms. Miles through the corner of her eye. "There's always a plan." Ms. Miles said, more to herself than Allie. Allie was in shock she couldn't believe that Ms. Miles was so blunt. 'Maybe she sees more than she lets on' Allie thought. "Why do you think there's plan?" Allie was desperate to find out what Ms. Miles knew.
"Are you sure you have actually meet Bea?" Ms. Miles snapped. Allie was immediately defensive, "yes, of course!" "Keep you voice down Novak, I don't want to have to slot you!" Ms. Miles again chastising Allie. "They told me you were smart." Ms. Miles continued under her breathe. Allie looked at her again, she was at loss of what was actually going on, and reverted to her natural why of getting information – flirting. "Care to explain, Ms. Miles?" Allie asked, lightly. "When have you ever known Smith to do something without reason, justified or not?" Ms. Miles said with a smirk on her face. Allie was lost in her own thoughts. "And keep that flirty shit to yourself, I'm not gay." Ms. Miles said, she couldn't resist the jab at Allie. Allie countered immediately. "Neither was Bea." A huge cheeky smirk on her face, Ms. Miles also smiled (for once) "I'm not Bea." Allie nodded, seeing the laughter in Ms. Miles eyes. "No you are not."
Ms. Miles tapped on Ms. Westfall office door. "Come in" came Bridget's reply. "Ms. Novak to see you." Ms. Miles said opening the door. "Thanks Ms. Miles." Bridget said. Ms. Miles whispered to Allie as she walked past her, "Remember what I said. Plan." Allie smiled in response. Ms. Miles closing the door softly behind her.
Bridget got up from her desk and sat in her green chair. Allie sat opposite. "How are you, Allie?" Bridget asked starting their session. "Confused" Allie answered honestly. It had been such long week since their last session, and Allie need to make sense of it. "Ok, well why don't you start from the beginning and go from there." Bridget said warmly, giving Allie her undivided attention.
"Right, that is a lot to tackle in one session. Is there anything you'd like to work through first?" Bridget asked, she was impressed with Allie's openness. She had come a long way since the beginning of their sessions, but it was clear now that she was in a fork in the road situation. "Yes. What is going on with Bea." Allie said directly, this above everything else was what was hurting her the most. "I can't speak for Bea, or about her specifically. But we can discuss your relationship from you point of view." Bridget answered, she had observed the distance between the two women, but also knew that Bea was still watching everything that Allie was doing, a fact she was not sure the blonde was aware of.
"Ok, well everything was good between us, great even." Allie said grinning, her face lighting up the memory of her and Bea in happy times. "Yes." Bridget answered. "Then she got attacked again, but nobody is talking. And she come's back, but she's different. Even the girls say she's not that same." Allie said, the pain evident in her voice. "Have you talked to her about it?" Bridget asked, knowing this was always the first step.
"No, she wont talk to me. The only thing said she said was maybe I should go back to Kaz." Allie was crying now, her emotions overflowing. Bridget handing her some tissues in silence. "I don't know why she is shutting me out. She promised me she wouldn't keep anything from me. I don't know what I have done!" All her thoughts and concerns of the past week all cascading out at once. Allie sat back in her chair, sobbing quietly. Bridget looked at her warmly, but with sad eyes. She had dealt with many women in the prison system. But Allie was one of the few who still seemed to see the best in everyone, despite her situation, and her horrendous backyard.
Bridget gave Allie a few minutes to compose herself. "So is there anything that you can think of that happened between you and Bea, that would upset her?" Bridget asked. Allie answered thoughtfully "No we were great. We were out as a couple, physically she was more confident…" Allie stopped suddenly. "Allie what is it?" Bridget asked after a minute or two, curious at what made Allie suddenly stop talking.
"Maybe it was me?" Allie answered, pain etched all over her face. "What do you mean?" Bridget asked, Allie looked uncomfortable and shifted in her seat. "Anything you say in here, stays between us, Allie." Bridget said. Allie was nervous, which again surprised her. She normally had no trouble speaking about this, but since she was dealing with her emotions as they came, it really was much more difficult – at least initially.
"Umm… maybe I pushed her too far physically." Allie's heart had dropped. She was immediately angry at herself, thinking she had pushed Bea too far, and taken what she wanted just like Harry had done. "Did she say that to you?" Bridget asked Allie directly. "No." Allie answered honestly. "Did she ask you to stop?" Bridget pressed. "No" Allie again said immediately. "She look uncomfortable in anyway?" Bridget continued, "No she was amazing." It was Allie's turn to blush. Bridget smiled, "how was she after being physically intimate?" Allie's cheeky smirk returning, her eyes glittering. "She was happy, and affectionate." Bridget again smiling, they really were adorable.
"Did you talk about it with her, later?" Bridget asked, knowing that talking about sex, and relationships in general, was very difficult for Bea. "Yes." Allie answered, remembering their conversation. "Did Bea say or show you, that it was anything but a positive experience for her?" Bridget answered, impressed that Bea had let Allie in that close. It confirmed her suspicions, that Bea's distance had nothing to do with Allie at all. "No she's said it was good and she loved me." Allie's face so full of love. "Good." Bridget answered giving Allie a minute with her own thoughts.
"Then maybe this is not about your relationship." Bridget said, Allie looked back at her questionably. "What, I don't understand?" "If your relationship was as good as you say it was?" "It was." Allie interrupted. "Then maybe this is about Bea, and what she feels she needs to do." Bridget finished. Allie sat with this for a few minutes, "but we were together, we should be able to do this together. I would have supported her. I will support her." Allie said, correcting herself; looking desperately at Bridget, her eyes breaming with tears.
"Has Bea told you about her past?" Bridget asked. "Yes, she had told me everything or at least I think she has?" Allie said, thinking back to their conversations. "Do you mean about Harry?" Allie asked, finally seeing were Bridget was going. "Yes." Bridget answered, she was interested to see just how much Allie knew. "I know he beat her regularly, and took whatever he wanted from her. He is the biggest ass wipe bastard for what her did to her." Allie replied angrily, pain and rage evident in her voice and face. "Good. Now I can not speak for Bea. However, does that sound like a pleasant experience?" Bridget asked, looking at Allie. "No, of course it doesn't." Allie replied like it was obvious.
"Did Bea ever having trouble opening up to you or expressing herself to you?" Bridget continued. Allie looked at Bridget, who sat calmly and with compassion; in her chair, her immediate reaction was to answer "yes" to Bridget's question. But she thought about why Bridget was asking these questions. "Yes. Do you think this has anything to do with Harry?" Allie asked, countering Bridget's questions.
"Again, you'll have to speak to Bea directly about that. But what I will say is this… Maybe Bea is shutting you out, to protect herself and you. The relationship that landed her in here in the first place, was brutal as you well know. Maybe being part of a relationship, that is surrounded by violence scares her or least brings the past back to the present." Bridget finished. "I have never hit her. I would never hurt her. I love her" Allie cried. "I know." Bridget said smoothly, and waited for Allie to regain her composure. "But Bea has suffered a lot of violence since your relationship became public." Bridget finished. "So its my fault?" Allie asked, on disbelief.
"No, its not your fault. Bea has had to fight hard lately just to stay alive. Maybe she sees that by stepping back from you, she's protecting you from the same fate." Bridget explained. She gave Allie some time to process this, she could she Allie's mind working. Her facial expression changed from pain and frustration to sheer determination.
"So what do I do about it?" Allie asked. She would do anything for Bea, and she hoped that she knew it. Bridget looked at her, and smiled genuinely. "Do you still want to be the person that Bea sees when she looks at you?" "Yes." Allie answered immediately and shifted forward in her seat. "Then you keeping working through the things we have been working on. You keeping being there for Bea. Give her the space she needs." Bridget answered honestly. Allie nodded, waiting for Bridget to continue "but make sure she knows that you love her. You do, love her yes?" Bridget asked, already knowing the answer but didn't want to seem presumptuous. "Yes, with everything I have." Allie said. Bridget believed her. "Then show her that, expect nothing in return. Show her that you are there for her, even if you to are not together anymore." Bridget said, knowing that Allie would do it anyway "Love her without expecting anything in return?" Allie answered "Yes." Bridget said. Allie smiled, genuinely smiled for the first time in a week. Love Bea, she could do that.
