All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.
Chapter 28: What can you lose?
We walked back to the car and, after calling the captain to let him know of our plans, Jasper instructed John to take us back to the marina. I looked down at the rolled up sketch in my hand, trying to resist the impulse to unroll it and look at it again.
"Shall I get it framed for you?" Jasper asked.
I thought about it for a while. Much as I wanted to, I couldn't very well display the sketch anywhere. How would I explain it if anyone ever saw it? I shook my head.
"No. It's easier to hide when it's like this. I can't take a chance on Charlie or anyone else seeing it."
He nodded his understanding.
"We'll have to find a book large enough to press it flat in. We'll make sure it's something boring, so no one is tempted to look inside. Carlisle should have something suitable in his library."
"That's a good idea, Jasper. Thanks!"
The car pulled into the marina parking lot. I waited as Jasper settled the bill with John, and then we walked back together to the yacht. Captain Jones was waiting for us and began final preparations to sail as soon as we came on board.
"Chef's preparing dinner in the kitchen," he informed us, "but the rest of the yacht is open for your pleasure."
"Would you like to go inside or stay out on deck for a while?" Jasper asked.
"Let's stay out," I said. "We'll have to be inside later so we might as well take advantage of this opportunity."
Jasper took the sketch from my hand "Let me just take care of this. Be back in a moment."
True to his word, even at human speed he was back from the salon in less than a minute. We walked to the railing and looked out at the Seattle skyline. I realized I would never be able to see the city again without thinking of this day with Jasper. The thought that this magical time with him was coming to an end made me melancholy.
"Are you okay?" he asked, obviously sensing my mood.
"Yes, I'm just sad that it all has to end. I feel like Cinderella watching the clock, seeing it get closer and closer to midnight."
"It's just one day, Bella. It doesn't have to be the last day we spend together. I swear I have no plans to turn into a pumpkin."
I laughed. "Prince Charming didn't turn into a pumpkin, silly."
"Neither did Cinderella. And, if I recall, the story didn't exactly have a tragic ending. Didn't the two of them live happily ever after together?"
I cringed. It wasn't exactly a fair comparison. Prince Charming wasn't a vampire with a family and mate waiting for him in Alaska. I looked away. Suddenly I didn't feel like looking at the city anymore.
"Let's go to the front," I suggested. "We haven't been there yet."
Jasper followed me to the bow of the yacht and we looked out towards the horizon. The sun had finally descended below the clouds with just wisps of red streaks visible in the distance over the water. Daylight was giving way to dusk. It was all so beautiful.
"This was a perfect day, Jasper. I know I keep saying the same thing, but thank you. I'll never forget this."
"Me either," he said. "And thank you for letting me plan this and for sharing it with me. You don't realize how good you made me feel today."
"Really? How good is that?" I challenged.
He looked thoughtful for a moment, then a mischievous glint came to his eyes.
"About this good," he said as he stepped to the V in the deck railing, climbing up on the lower rail and spreading his arms wide. "I'm the king of the world!" he shouted.
I giggled. "Very original, Jasper," I said. "I'm sure no one has ever done that before." Although I was laughing, I was also amazed by the way he looked up on that railing. Like a figurehead on the prow of a ship or a golden deity.
He looked at me over his shoulder and beckoned me to him.
"So what if others have done it? It's still a classic moment. Want to try it?"
I shook my head. "I'd better not, unless you feel like going for a swim."
"Come on, Bella," He said. "You know I'll keep you safe. Here, we can even stay on deck." He jumped down from the railing and extended his hand to me. I took it and stepped in front of him into the V point.
"That's it," He murmured, "Now spread out your arms." He guided my arms out, supporting them with his. And just like Rose in the movie Titanic, I felt like I was flying. Sure, it was corny, but also strangely romantic, and I was so relieved that I was supported by the deck railing and Jasper when he leaned over and whispered "I was already feeling pretty great, Bella, but nothing beats sailing into the sunset with you."
I sighed. I loved hearing him say it, but stuff like this was exactly the reason why he and I needed to talk. I was about to say something, when he turned me around and pulled me away from the railing.
"May I have the favor of a dance?" he asked. I saw him reach into his pocket and music started flowing from a speaker system I hadn't noticed before. The song was Selena's "I Could Fall in Love," the same song I played for him last night. Suddenly, despite the cool ocean breeze, I felt very, very warm.
"I promise it won't hurt," he said. "I'm actually pretty good at this. All you have to do is follow my lead."
Reluctantly, I took his offered hand and placed my left hand on his shoulder. He placed his right hand on my waist and started to lead. Following him was almost effortless, and for the first time in my life I actually enjoyed dancing.
"See, Bella," he teased gently. "That's not so bad, is it?"
I didn't respond, preferring to continue gliding along the deck to the beautiful song. Selena reached the Spanish lyrics and I remembered that I still didn't know what she was saying.
"Would you like me to translate?" Jasper asked, as though he had read my mind.
I nodded.
"I'm always dreaming of you
Kissing my lips, caressing my skin
Hugging me with crazy longings
Imagining that you love me
The way that I could love you"
My breath caught and I had to look away. His talent must have been rubbed off on me and I didn't even know it. I had found a song with lyrics that expressed exactly how I felt, though in a differnet language. I swallowed hard, wondering what he was thinking, what he had thought when I played this song last night. I guessed this was as good a time as any to start our discussion. I took a deep breath and was about to speak when I saw a man dressed in a chef's coat coming over from the salon.
"Mr. Hale, ma'am," he said quietly, clearly uncomfortable with interrupting our dance, "Dinner is ready whenever you are."
Jasper stopped just as the song ended.
"Perfect timing," he said. "Shall we?"
I wrapped my arm around his and we walked back to the salon. I gasped at the transformation. The dining table was beautifully set and decorated with a gorgeous low floral centerpiece. Jasper pulled out a chair for me and waited to push it in for me as I sat down.
"I'll serve, if you don't mind," He said to the chef. "We'd prefer to be alone."
"Not at all, sir. Bon Apetit!" I heard the man say behind me. Then I heard the click of the door that let up to the wheel house. A moment later Jasper was at the table delivering a beautifully plated crab cake and another plate with tortellini kebobs.
"Um, these are beautiful, but you know I'm just one person, right? There is a limit to how much I can eat."
Jasper sat down next to me, instead of at the opposite end of the table.
"I know, Darlin', but I still don't know what you do and do not like to eat, so to be safe I had the chef prepare two completely different meals. Just to increase the odds that you'll find something to suit your taste. So you can eat whatever you like."
I stared at him in disbelief. Was it actually possible for someone to be this considerate?
"Or," he said, with less assurance, "you don't have to eat anything at all, if I managed to choose all wrong. I can ask the chef to come down and prepare something else."
"No," I said quickly. "This is wonderful. Both of these are wonderful," I exclaimed as I looked at the two appetizers before me. "I just can't believe you did all this for me. Though I suppose . . ." suddenly I was embarrassed that I had been so surprised at his thoughtfulness, since he had never failed to consider my needs before. "I suppose I should have expected this. You've planned out everything else.
"But Jasper," I said urgently, "you have to stop doing this. Stop trying to make everything perfect. It's too much. I mean, please don't misunderstand, I love it and I appreciate it, but nothing and no one else could ever compare to this, and it's not fair . . ."
I turned away from him. I wanted to postpone this conversation until after dinner was over, so that we could speak without interruptions. I needed to tell him that I was feeling things I shouldn't be feeling and that his consideration and attentiveness only made it worse, but this just didn't seem like the right time. I needed to stall. Would he let me get away with leaving that last statement without a follow-up? I had to try. I picked up the fork and took a bite of the crab cake. It was delicious.
"Mmmm, this is divine."
I took a quick look at him. He was watching me with a concerned expression. I could tell he wanted to say something, but was trying hard to restrain himself. I hated doing this to him, leaving things hanging the way I did, but I just wasn't ready right now to address that very sensitive topic.
I tried one of the tortellini kebabs after dipping it in the accompanying sauce. It was wonderful as well.
"I wish you could taste these, they're fabulous. What else is on the menu tonight? If everything else is this good, I'd better pace myself."
I saw real conflict in his face – his reluctance to abandon our barely started discussion battling with his desire to answer my question. The latter won.
"Caesar salad, Spinach Gorgonzola salad, Lobster tail and Filet Mignon, Poached Salmon, Cheesecake with strawberry and chocolate sauce and Tiramisu."
My eyes must have bugged out of my head. Even tasting just a little bit of each dish was going to make me too full. Still, it all sounded great.
"Well," I said with a sigh, "As much as I love these, if I'm going to try all that other stuff I'd better stop and move on to the salads. As it is my stomach will probably run out of room before we get to dessert, and that's the best part!"
Seemingly before I even finished speaking Jasper whisked the appetizers away and returned with the salads. The Caesar salad was magnificent, the fresh dressing prepared just right. The spinach gorgonzola salad with candied walnuts and raspberry vinaigrette dressing was just as good. I limited my self to a couple of forkfuls of each and watched as Jasper brought the main dishes.
The lobster tail was my undoing. It was by far my favorite and there as no way I could stop at just a couple of bites. I ate it without the butter or lemon, just savoring the rich, luxurious flavor.
"This is absolutely amazing," I said as I closed my eyes to really focus on the taste, "very possibly the most wonderful food on earth."
I opened my eyes to see Jasper watching me with an amused expression.
"What?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.
"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. It looked like he was trying to hold back laughter.
"Obviously it's something. What's so funny?" I was starting to feel a little mad for being left out of the joke. He must have sensed my impatience, because he decided to answer.
"Well, let's just say that if I didn't know you were eating, I'd really be wondering what you were thinking about. The look on your face as you ate that lobster was quite, um, sensuous."
I could feel my face turning crimson. I hadn't realized my enjoyment of the lobster had been so obvious or that it may have looked like something other than what it was.
"Yeah, well," I struggled for something, anything to say that would ease my embarrassment, "since I know you're busy storing this information in your perfect memory, why don't you add this bit to it too – I only allow myself to eat lobster once a year, at most. If I ate it more often it would stop being as special as it is. So if you've been thinking up ways to serve me lobster on a daily basis you can just forget that."
I was almost glad to see the look of disappointment on his face. I was getting to know him really well, anticipating the way he thought.
I took a nibble of the filet – it was as soft as butter, I didn't even need my steak knife. The poached salmon was equally delicious. I wished I was able to eat more, but, as predicted, I was way past my capacity limit.
As soon as I put down my fork Jasper returned the main dished to the kitchen and brought out the desserts. I looked at the scrumptious looking cheesecake and the martini glass filled with tiramisu, and I cursed the cruelty of having to forego the desserts. Then I noticed that next to the tiramisu lay a giant Caramello bar. I looked up at Jasper, with a surprised but pleased smile.
It was his turn to look embarrassed.
"I wanted to have at least one thing for you tonight that you were sure to like," he explained.
I reached over to put my hand over his. Considering everything else he had planned for today, this was just a miniscule little gesture, but it meant so much to me.
"Thank you," I said for what seemed like a thousandth time. I wanted to say more, but that would have taken us into that dangerous territory again, and I wanted just a few more minutes of this fantasy before reality crashed the party and potentially destroyed my perfect day.
I looked at the desserts again. I really couldn't eat another bite. But I thought after "the talk" I might just need to seek some sugar-laden comfort.
"I'm super full, Jasper, but maybe if I put them in the fridge for now I can try some later?" I started to get up but he placed a hand on my shoulder to keep me in my seat.
"Let me." It only took him seconds to put the desserts away and return to the table.
"So," we both said it at the same time. I looked at him and laughed awkwardly. I had been dreading this moment all afternoon.
"Maybe another dance?" he asked. He seemed as eager as I was to postpone the inevitable conversation. I never thought I'd be this grateful for an invitation to dance. I nodded and nervously stepped into the dance hold.
I realized that music was already playing, had been all throughout dinner. I chastised myself for being so unobservant. Jasper was always so deliberate in everything he did, I was sure his choice of music was filled with hidden messages. I wished I could go back in time to know what songs had already played. The song that was playing now was only vaguely familiar. Given his unique voice, I was pretty sure it was by Sting. I listened to the lyrics:
Be still my beating heart
It would be better to be cool
It's not time to be open just yet
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget
Be still my beating heart
Or I'll be taken for a fool
It's not healthy to run at this pace
The blood runs so red to my face
I've been to every single book I know
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so
I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion
Stop before you start
Be still my beating heart . . .
I stumbled and nearly lost my footing. I only managed to remain upright with the support of Jasper's arms. I was grateful, but I couldn't look up at him. My face was as flushed as the song lyric described.
He knows. Oh God, oh God, he knows. That must be why he chose this song. He knows how I feel about him and this is his way of communicating that. But what does this mean? Does he want me to say nothing? Would he prefer for me to keep my feelings to myself? How long can I do that and still continue to spend time with him? I'm not as able to control my feelings as he obviously hopes.
I felt Jasper pull me closer as I continued my internal monologue. His right hand moved from my waist to the small of my back. He took my right hand and positioned it around his neck while his left hand entwined with his right. I felt my left arm move up as if of its own volition and the fingers of my hands interlaced behind his neck. I closed the distance between us, pressing myself to his chest. I felt like a death row inmate being served my last meal – like this was the very last time Jasper and I would be this close. As much as I hated to think about it, I was determined to experience it fully, storing up the sensations to last for a lifetime: the feel of his cool body against my overheated frame, his seductive, spicy scent, the comfort and safety of his arms.
We weren't dancing any more as much as swaying, moving only very slightly within a small area. My eyes were closed and the right side of my face was pressed closely against him. I felt his chin resting against the back of my head. The song changed and the tempo slowed down. I focused on the lyrics.
What can you lose? Only the blues.
Why keep concealing everything you're feeling?
Say it to her, what can you lose?
Maybe it shows,
She's had clues, which she chose to ignore.
Maybe though she knows,
And just wants to go on as before.
As a friend, nothing more.
So she closes the door.
Well, if she does, those are the dues.
Once the words are spoken, something may be broken.
Still, you love her. What can you lose?
But what if she goes? At least now, you have part of her.
What if she had to choose?
Leave it alone. Hold it all in.
Better a bone. Don't even begin.
With so much to win,
There's too much to lose.
Once again he had found the perfect song to reflect my feelings. I nearly broke into tears, keeping only the most tenuous hold on my emotions and composure. He knew how I felt and he didn't want me to say anything. If I voiced the unthinkable, the friendship between us would be irrevocably broken.
I felt like someone had reached in for my heart and squeezed every single drop of blood out of it before cruelly twisting it and ripping it out of my chest, leaving a throbbing, gaping hole. The despair I felt was unbearable. I was overwhelmed by a profound sense of loss of something I never had and never had a right to want to begin with.
Jasper pulled me in even closer, nearly lifting me off the floor.
"Bella, Darlin," his voice sounded as pained as I felt, "may I?"
I nodded against his chest, the smallest of movements. I knew what he was asking and instantly felt a wave of calm washing over me, dulling the ache and filling the emptiness. The artificial calm also seemed to impact my control over my limbs, and I sagged helplessly against him. I felt his left arm move up to just beneath my shoulders as he leaned down and inserted his right arm behind my now bent knees. He lifted me up and deposited me on the sofa, all the while continuing to fill me with the calming waves.
Once I was on the sofa I reached for a toss pillow and hugged it close to my chest as I curled into a fetal position. Jasper kneeled on the floor in front of me and soothingly ran his hand over my forehead, smoothing my hair and tucking loose strands behind my ear.
"God, Bella, I am so sorry. I never meant for this to hurt you so much. I wish I could do something, change my feelings in some way so that I wouldn't cause you all this pain."
I tried to smile, not sure if I was succeeding.
"You don't have to apologize, Jasper. I understand. I wish I could change my feelings too. But I just don't think that's possible for either of us, is it?" Even as I spoke, I was shocked by the lifeless sound of my voice.
"No. At least, I don't think it's possible for me."
We were both silent for a while. I noticed the music was off now. The absence of sound was crushing despite the continuing calming waves.
"Jasper?" I had to ask him to stop. As horrible as the pain had been, this emotional analgesic was almost worse. Knowing what was right below the surface and not being able to feel it left a void of its own. "I know what I'm feeling hurts you too, but I need to go through it, I think."
He nodded and looked away. At once the full force of the pain returned. I hugged the pillow tighter to my chest.
"I had listened to that song countless times in the last few days," he said, dully, "trying to decide whether I should say anything to you. I wish I could remain silent, leave things unsaid, but after today I don't think that's an option. I have to say something, even at the risk of destroying the friendship we've built."
Here it comes. Here's where he tells me that he sensed my feelings for him, and that he can't be friends with someone when that friendship puts his relationship with Alice at risk. I braced myself as best as I could for his next words.
"I've tried so hard to deny it, to explain it, to run away from it. I never expected this to happen, never thought it was even possible. But ever since that day you came to see me at the house it's just been so completely overwhelming. I felt, but never understood, what Edward went through when he realized he needed to be with you despite how wrong it was for him to do so. Now I know just how painful his struggle was, because I feel exactly the same way."
First, the credits. The first song is credited in the chapter itself. The second song is "Be Still my Beating Heart" by Sting off the Nothing Like the Sun album. The third song is "What Can you Lose," a duet between Madonna and Mandy Patinkin off the Dick Tracy soundtrack.
Second, I know I promised "the talk" for this chapter, but writing that and finding the right balance is taking longer than I thought. So forgive me for ending this chapter at such a crucial moment instead of delaying the upload until the entire "talk" is finished, and know that I will do my best to post the next chapter as soon as possible.
Though I try, I don't always have time to respond to every review, but I read them and appreciate them all! So please, do leave a review to let me know what you thought.
