"Houston…"
He stood there at her doorway waiting to be invited inside.
"I should have called…but I just brought you over some paperwork to sign so I can fax it back to Murray."
She saw that he carried a folder in his hand and as for the other?
"Houston, you brought food didn't you?"
He nodded.
"Just some of those chili burgers from the diner," he said, "We might have to go over the specs a bit."
She looked at him and then moved to the side so he could enter the living room. They went to the kitchen so that she could get out the iced tea while he got some plates for the food.
"Want to eat out on the back veranda?"
"Okay…it's cooling down a bit," he said, "but it might rain later."
She shrugged.
"Should be done by then. I imagine you've got other things you want to do so this won't take long."
He cocked a brow at her.
"You in a hurry to get rid of me…?"
She smiled.
"No…but I'm sure you are to go out and have some fun."
He took the plates and she took the drinks and they headed out the French doors in the back to the veranda. There was a table and some chairs so they sat down, looking out into the yard which backed up into a meadow.
"Smells great…"
She reached to pick up her burger. It tasted as delicious as she knew it would.
"This is great…thanks. Now what's this about the documents?"
"Just the usual…Murray's handled most of it but he needs the final signoffs from us."
She nodded.
"I know it's more difficult for him that we're not there."
Matt sighed.
"Don't worry about that. Murray's handling everything just fine."
She knew that but she still felt some guilt. She had taken off out of L.A. without thinking of how it might impact others. Not that Matt had been around but a part of her thought she should have waited until he got back. Except for the fact that she couldn't face him. So she had left and maybe it had been about running away.
But he had found her anyway.
"I know…but a part of me does miss L.A."
"But most of you doesn't want to go back…"
She put her burger down.
"It's not like that Houston," she said, "It's more complicated."
"I know."
She sipped from her iced tea and looked at him, seeing the lines on his face which told her he was concerned about her.
"I'm not sure you do and I don't really want to talk about it."
She heard the tightness in her throat appear in her voice and the way he looked at her, she knew he was thinking. But as much as he thought he knew, he didn't know much.
"Okay I'm here on business after all…so after we finish with dinner, I'll show you those papers I want you to review and sign."
She could deal with that side of him right now. The part of him that didn't try to figure out why she had changed so much but then as she watched him eat, she knew what she missed so much.
"Sure…and then you can get them back to Murray."
They ate in silence until they were both finished and then she had reviewed the papers with him out on the veranda. The air still felt quite warm, laced by humidity. She knew that it would rain soon, driving them both indoors. So when she was satisfied with the contracts, she signed and dated them, handing them back to him.
He tucked them away in the folder and put it down, seemingly not interested in leaving to go spend the rest of the evening elsewhere. She looked at him puzzled.
"Houston…?"
He sighed, looking straight at her and what she saw in his eyes made her heartbeat quicken but not for the right reasons. Not because the sight of him blew her away and left her not wanting to let him go. She felt afraid and she hated that, she hated being so afraid and trying to push it back all the time.
She hated being afraid of him most of all. But he smiled at her, his brown eyes soft and his face relaxed, though his body remained tense. She felt like that was her fault for pushing him away, not noticing that he had stopped pushing back.
"Did I…?"
He shook his head as if he knew what she was going to say…maybe. She hoped that he would leave now…but then she wanted him to stay. She didn't know what she wanted…except to go back to life before the night of that party.
Only that wish could never be granted.
"No…I'm just wondering if we're ever going to talk the way we used to," he said, "when we shared everything and didn't hold back from each other."
She ran a hand through her wavy hair. The humidity made part of it curl against the back of her neck which felt damp beneath her shirt. From the humidity, or something else, she wondered.
"Houston…I…we were never totally sharing everything. We had parts of our life that were private even from each other."
He nodded as if he knew that but she knew he was thinking back to the week that they'd spent together on the beach. So did she, her body remembered what they had done and sometimes it pushed against the fear but it never broke through. How could he understand that?
"I know that but what we did share was very special to me," he said, "and I know it was to you too. I don't think I'm imagining that C.J."
She glanced away a moment feeling the familiar tightening of her throat, almost enough so that if she sipped her drink she might feel it.
"It was Houston but things have changed."
He didn't need to be reminded of that. She knew he felt the wall between them as acutely as she had since that night.
"There are things that you just could never understand."
There, she had just added a new layer to the wall she had erected between them with adhesive more effective than mortar. She saw him struggle with his own emotions on his face, because he knew that about her. She knew that when she saw his face. But he sighed, his eyes never leaving her, watching her own emotions playing out on her face.
"I know but I'd like to try."
She rubbed her lips together, her hands finding each other to clasp tightly in her lap. Damn, when he looked at her like that it was almost enough to make her weaken.
Almost, just not quite…it wasn't like she didn't want that. It's just that every time she did that, she saw Rodrigo and what he'd done to her. Then she'd pull back into that safe part she had constructed inside her so she could get up in the morning rather than curl up in a ball underneath the covers. She hated that one man could hold that kind of power over her, which went beyond physical.
"I know…but it's so hard to even talk about it," she said, "It's like when I do, it's happening again. Everything, everything I saw, the sounds, smells like I've been sent back."
He processed that, she knew he did and she knew that didn't come easily. He did it for her, because he loved her.
Or the woman she used to be.
"I'm so sorry if I do that just by being around you," he said, "but we go way back, we've shared so much. You're the most important person in my life."
She believed that and she heard the pain, the trace of wistfulness in his voice for what once had been but could be no more. She felt her own eyes sting and thought, damn I can't show him how much his words hurt even as they're meant to heal.
So she looked away when she blinked her eyes and felt tears.
"You have to know I'm always going to be here for you…no matter what."
She nodded but it felt automatic. She didn't know how to explain that it felt like those words were for someone else.
"Houston…I'm not that woman anymore," she said, "I'm not the little girl who you saw on the playground at school in the sixth grade. I'm not the woman that you used to know, who was your partner…and I'm not…"
The most painful part of all but she had to say it.
"I'm not the woman who shared your bed," she said, "the one who you made love with…I can't….I mean whenever I even try to remember….and it's not you or what we shared…because you're right, it was special. Most special but it just hurts…it hurts more than you could ever imagine."
Her voice started to shake as she struggled to get those words out, scared to even look up at him not wanting to see what she knew his eyes held but he had to understand.
"C.J…"
She finally did look at him because something in his voice made it impossible not to do so. His face etched in pain, but he saw the concern that overshadowed that, for her.
"Houston…I think I've said enough."
He shook his head.
"No…no you haven't. I don't think I know what you expect me to say or do that keeps you from sharing with me what happened."
She rubbed her forehead with a couple of fingers, feeling the tension there.
"I don't want to hurt you…and I know I've done that already."
She sensed he wanted to touch her, to stroke her hair back in that comforting way of his but he didn't do it, giving her space.
"You haven't done anything," he said, "I've been an ass to you and I had no good reason to treat you as badly as I've done."
"Houston…"
He put a hand up.
"No…whatever happened…wasn't your fault…and I treated you as if it were…I think because I couldn't face that I was responsible for what happened to you…and Will."
She narrowed her eyes.
"How so Houston…how can you say that? Rodrigo and his men did evil things because they're evil people. How does that make you responsible?"
He paused as if her questions stopped him and then he closed his eyes momentarily. The sadness on his face told her that he did blame himself for all of it. So her hand shaking, she reached out to touch his shoulder with it. He opened his eyes when she did that but his face…she felt her own insides tighten watching him.
"It wasn't your fault. Can't you understand that?"
She saw him struggle with his belief otherwise. He'd always been one to blame himself when assignments went so horribly wrong.
"No…it was…I thought I'd planned out everything," he said, "Went over and over the game plan, had every angle, every possibility considered but…"
"You didn't because you couldn't Houston," she said, "You're human, that's all. I didn't help you as much as I should have…we're partners and I didn't do my part."
He sighed.
"You didn't want to do the assignment and I should have listened."
She tilted her face.
"I went through with it didn't I," she said, "It's because I wanted to do it. It's just that…that week, it didn't go like I thought."
He smiled at that.
"Yeah me neither," he said, "but I wouldn't change anything. Not ever."
She nodded, believing he meant it. But they couldn't go back to the past, all they had was the present and she'd been trying so hard to find her way. Because….but she couldn't tell him that.
"I know…it'll always be the most special time in my life," she said, "but we can't go back."
He almost looked like he'd protest but he nodded slowly.
"No but we can move forward," he said, "I meant what I said C.J. I'm always going to be there for you and somehow we'll find a way to work through everything."
She looked away momentarily.
"I don't know how long that's going to take for me," she said, "I'm trying so hard but Miranda said, it's going to take time…a lot of time."
"Okay…I'm a patient man."
Oh she knew that about most things. Being an investigator accustomed to stakeouts that lasted hours or days he had to be. But this was something entirely different.
"I don't want to hold you back…from what you want."
His hand moved towards her face this time to stroke a strand of hair off of it. His eyes never off her.
"What I want is right in front of me," he said, "I realized it that week we spent together and nothing's changed."
She shook her head.
"Everything's changed…I'm not even sure who I am."
"I know…"
She sighed.
"You think you know."
He cupped her jaw with his hand gently and she looked at him. Damn, he really did sound so sure of himself. Hadn't he been listening to what she had told him?
"I know that you're my best friend," he said, "and that I want more than that but I'm not going to push you. You tell me what works for you and I'll listen."
She tried not to chuckle at the earnestness in his voice. He was a great listener among other things.
"I'll think about it Houston…that's all I can do."
She didn't know how he'd respond to that, would he challenge her? But he just nodded again and got up from where they sat.
"Come on, let's go back to the house," he said, "I did bring some dessert after all…and I think it's getting ready to rain."
She knew, she could smell the promise of it in the damp air, carried by a sudden breeze from the ocean.
"Okay…I think I can do that…"
So she followed him in the house just when the first heavy rain drops started to fall.
