Chapter 28: Gone, Gone, Gone
When life leaves you high and dry When enemies are at your door Give me reasons to believe And I would do it for you, for you.
I'll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help.
I'll shut down the city lights,
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well.
I'll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help.
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well.
That you would do the same for me.
Baby, I'm not moving on
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
We were having a girl. We were having a girl. We were having a girl.
The phrase kept repeating in my head over and over again as I clutched our daughters' ultrasound pictures. Derek and I were crossing the parking lot, my free hand clutching his and swinging it slightly. Excited didn't even begin to cover it, I was on cloud nine. Derek looked even more excited than I was if that was possible; he was practically bouncing. It was such a high, knowing that we were having a little girl in a few months. It made the pregnancy thing a lot more real, and even though it scared the crap out of me, I also couldn't wait for our daughter to get here.
The high must have been affecting Derek too, for suddenly he just stopped in the middle of the parking lot and turned me to face him. He stared at me for a moment, a huge, shit eating grin on his face, before he pulled me close to him, pressing his lips against mine urgently. His tongue pressed its way into my mouth, and we stood there, kissing passionately until my lungs screamed for air and I had to break away.
"Wow," I panted, feeling slightly dizzy as I caught my breath.
"Yeah," Derek gasped in response, his hands resting on my hips as he leaned toward me, our foreheads touching.
"We're having a girl," I smiled widely.
"We're having a girl," Derek repeated.
"I still don't think it's sunk in yet," I giggled. "We don't have to call her Baby anymore. We can call her a she or her or our daughter."
"I know," Derek whispered as one hand moved to my stomach. "It's pretty amazing."
"Really amazing," I agreed as I tilted my head up to kiss him again.
As we pulled apart again, Derek groaned. "This has to be a quick trip to Joe's," he said as we resumed walking.
"Oh definitely," I replied. "We need to celebrate a lot tonight.
"We do," Derek nodded as we walked down the steps of the bar, which was pretty crowded as usual.
When we entered, I scanned the bar for Cristina, Izzie, and Alex, but couldn't spot them. Derek must have been doing the same thing.
"Let's go sit at a table while we wait," he suggested. "I know you said you're back was bothering you."
"Yeah, a little," I admitted as we went to sit at a table towards the middle of the bar.
"Do you want anything to drink? Or eat?" Derek asked as I sat down.
"Hmmm," I thought for a moment. "Can you get me some nachos? With extra guacamole and jalapenos? And some cranberry juice please?"
"Got it," Derek nodded, kissing the top of my head gently. "I love you."
"Love you too," I murmured as he turned and started to walk away before I had a sudden idea. "Derek!" I called.
"Mer?' he said as he turned around.
"Can I have some orange juice please?" I asked. "Actually, can you have Joe mix the cranberry and orange juice together? And can you see if he'll put olives on my nachos?"
"Of course," Derek laughed. "It'll be a few minutes; are you okay on your own?"
"Yes Derek," I rolled my eyes as he left. I pulled out my phone, playing a random game until I heard my name.
"Meredith!" A vaguely familiar voice called.
"Yes?" I turned before my stomach dropped. "Finn," I breathed.
When you fall like a statue I surrender honestly. So I would do it for you, for you.
I'm gon' be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet.
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me.
Tell me what you need, what do you need?
You've always done the same for me.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone.
I love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
He looked almost exactly the same as he did a year and a half ago, though his sandy brown hair was a little longer. He was smiling slightly, apparently unaware of my huge baby bump.
"How are you?" he said pleasantly. "I was looking around and I just saw you sitting here, so I decided to come say hi. Wow, I can't believe you're actually here."
"Wh-What are you doing here Finn?" I stuttered, still in shock. "I mean, what are you doing in Seattle? You were working in that animal hospital in New Hampshire."
"A couple of my buddies – you remember Nick and Jake right? Well, they wanted to hike Mount Rainier, so we're out here for a week."
"Oh," was all I could think to say.
"You should come join us," Finn offered, gesturing to another table. "We can catch up."
"Um, I don't know if that would be a good idea," I muttered, gesturing a little to my stomach.
Finn's eyes followed my hand to my stomach, and his genial nature immediately shifted. His eyes grew cold, and a frown replaced his smile. "Well, that was fast," Finn stated, sneering slightly.
"Finn," I started, but wasn't sure what to say.
"We broke up a year and a half ago because you didn't want to settle down," Finn cut me off. "But in eighteen months, you're able to meet someone, get married, and get pregnant?"
"I'm not married," I said softly, initially thinking of that fact as a defense. However, as Finn's eyes widened, I winced. Of course that wasn't an excuse, considering how non-physical our relationship had been.
"Oh, so the whole waiting and going slow thing was an act?" Finn seemed to accuse.
"N-no, no it wasn't," I stammered, feeling myself turning red.
"Really?" Finn said. Though his voice remained calm and level, I could sense his anger. "Because we dated for almost two years. Two years. And you said you wanted to take things slow. So I did. I did things at your pace because I loved you. But then, you broke up with me because you couldn't make a commitment, and now you're pregnant with some random man's baby?"
"Mhm hmm," I heard a throat clear, and Finn and I both turned to see Derek standing beside us. "Hello," Derek said simply.
"Uh, Derek, this is Finn," I managed awkwardly. "Finn, this is, uh, this is my-my boyfriend Derek."
"Finn?" Derek said softly, as if trying to remember where he had heard that name before. Suddenly, realization dawned on him. "Oh, Finn," Derek gasped, before smiling a little, politely. "I'm Derek, nice to meet you."
"Uh huh, "Finn said sharply. "Are you the baby daddy?"
"What?" Derek gasped softly, clearly taken off guard for a moment before he composed himself. "I'm Meredith's boyfriend and the father of her child, yes. How did you come to visit Seattle?"
"I'm sure you won't be her boyfriend for much longer," Finn stated, ignoring Derek's question.
"Finn!" I exclaimed.
"Excuse me?" Derek said sharply, his voice tense.
"Meredith can't seem to commit to a relationship fully," Finn said matter of factly. "She had never been in a relationship before, and then when we were dating, she always held back. And when I started to talk about our future, she decided she might not be ready, so we ended it. Clearly she swung for the other end of the spectrum this time."
"Finn, please," I begged softly, feeling my face turn bright red. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but –"
"But what? You decided to string me along for two years so you can dump me and shack up with next guy that comes your way?"
"No!" I insisted, feeling tears rush to my eyes. "It wasn't like that."
"Well, that's what it looks like. And what it feels like."
"That is enough," Derek interjected before I could open my mouth and respond. His hand moved to the small of my back as he stared at Finn. "I'm sure that you're shocked and a little hurt by how Meredith is living her life now, but I will not let you sit here and tear her down. We have had a perfect evening, and I will not allow you to spoil what should be a happy occasion. I need you to go back to your friends Finn."
"Fine," Finn nodded, standing up and staring at Derek. "She's going to hurt you."
"No, she won't," said Derek with more confidence than I could ever muster.
"Seriously, good luck man. She's a heartbreaker," Finn said as he turned and left, taking one last look back. "I'd cut your losses now and let her go." And with that, he had disappeared to the back of the bar.
I looked down at the table, not quite sure how to approach what had just happened.
"Mer," Derek murmured, placing a hand on my back and rubbing gently.
"Hmm," I sighed noncommittally.
"Are you okay?"
"Can we just go home please?" I pleaded quietly. "No one's here yet. I can just tell them about Baby tomorrow. I'll say I wasn't feeling well or something."
"Of course, whatever you want," Derek said, grabbing my hand to help me from the table. It was then I looked up at him. His expression was one of concern, but he didn't say anything as we left Joe's and headed to Derek's car.
You're my back bone.
You're my cornerstone.
You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.
You're my head start.
You're my rugged heart.
You're the pulse that I've always needed.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.
Like a drum my heart never stops beating…
Ten minutes later, and we were still riding in silence. Derek was still holding my hand, but all of my doubts and insecurities were running wild. I couldn't help it; it's just my nature. What particularly struck me was Finn telling Derek I was going to break his heart, and he was better off to just leave now. What Finn didn't know was that I had already broken Derek's heart. What if Derek realized that I had already hurt him once, and he didn't want me to hurt him again? What if he just left me and our daughter, what if…
"Stop," Derek said suddenly.
"What?" I turned to look at him, my eyes wide.
"Stop berating yourself in your head."
"I-I'm not –" I began.
"Yes you are. I can practically hear you yelling to yourself," Derek replied, a hint of amusement in his voice.
"I can't help it," I admitted quietly.
"Meredith, you didn't do anything wrong," Derek said firmly.
"How do you know?" I shot back.
"Because you ended things with Finn when you realize you didn't want the same things. You didn't want to settle for someone you didn't truly love."
"I know," I whispered.
"And who cares what he thinks," Derek continued. "who cares if we did things a little backwards? We're happy, and that's all that matters," he finished, squeezing my hand.
"It's not that," I said.
"What?" Derek asked, turning to look at me when we stopped at a red light.
"What Finn said about Baby doesn't really bother me," I replied. "I care more about he said to you about me."
"What do you mean?" Derek said incredulously as we turned onto my street.
"He said you should leave me before I hurt you. But I've already done that. I already hurt you and broke your heart when I dumped you at the airport. And I can't help but think that you'll get worried that I'll hurt you again and you'll leave me and baby and-"
"Meredith," Derek cut me off as we pulled into the driveway, quickly turning off the car and pulling me towards him and kissing my hard.
"I will never leave you and baby," he promised as he pulled away, his gaze unwavering. "I won't pretend that the airport fiasco didn't hurt me, but look at where we are now. We're happy. I am so unbelievably happy. Happier than I have ever been. Happier than I was when we first met. Happier than when I came to visit in May. We're in love, we're together, and we're having a perfect little girl together. I will not leave you."
"I know. Rationally, I know that. And I'm happy too Derek. Really, really happy. But then something like this happens, you know, an evil ex-boyfriend shows up, and I automatically assume the worst. I freak and I wait for the other shoe to drop or whatever. And the hormones definitely don't help," I joked with a small smile.
Derek laughed quietly. "We definitely need to work on getting some confidence in you."
"Yeah, maybe," I agreed.
"Come on, let's get you inside," Derek said, climbing out of the car.
"Good, Baby and I are starving."
"Are you still in the mood for Mexican?" Derek asked as he moved towards the kitchen.
I thought about it for a second. "No, I think we want Pizza."
"Well, anything for you and Baby," Derek said, kissing my cheek as he reached for the take out menus.
"Why thank you," I giggled.
About a half an hour later, I was watching a crappy television show in the living room when the doorbell rang.
"Derek, door!" I called from my spot on the couch.
"Can you grab it?" Derek called back. "I'm doing laundry. I left money on the table in the hall."
"Fine," I groaned loudly, moving towards the front door.
"Alright, what do I owe you?" I asked as I pulled open the door, surprised to find a short, older woman on my doorstep. "Can I help you?"
The woman looked me up and down briefly, not smiling. "You must be Meredith," she stated. It definitely wasn't a question.
"Yes," I said slowly. "And you are?"
"Carolyn Shepherd," The woman replied, still unsmiling. "Derek's mother."
Another freaking shoe.
For you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on.
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
Baby, I'm not moving on,
I'll love you long after you're gone.
For you, for you.
You will never sleep alone.
I'll love you long, long after you're gone.
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.
I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.
