I do not own Attack on Titan


I sat with my head over my glass of water, hands supporting my head. I couldn't bear to look at Jean. Not only did I kiss him, I tried to seduce him. I was somewhat glad Jean saved me from embarrassing myself in front more people.

"I'm so sorry you had to see me like that. You must hate me now for it."

"I don't hate you. We all have our moments."

On the receiving end, Jean handled the situation well. I didn't want to think what would have happened if it was another male who found me.

Jean started, "Is that what you thought… That I only liked you because I couldn't have Mikasa?"

I didn't answer, too overwhelmed to think. Did I really feel that way the minute Jean confessed to me? Maybe the underlying fear was always there. Jean was always trying to get Mikasa's attention in the beginning, and it's always made me feel like he'd never like me that way.

He wearily rubbed his face before continuing bluntly, "Mikasa is number one in the 104th Cadet Corps. She's the best among us. She's Oriental. She's gorgeous. But she's already devoted her soul to follow Eren to the very ends of the world, and hasn't given me the time of day.

"But all you've ever been to me is kind when everyone else disliked the words that came out of my mouth. I like you because you're not Mikasa. You see the good in people, and that's why you're so good with everyone."

I looked at him through my puffy eyes. He intensely looked at me, and I felt like I could see his soul exposed and candid through his brown eyes. I knew he was meaning what he said. He was nothing but honest always. Sometimes it came off as harsh, but this time it was consoling.

"And you got to stop blaming yourself for Marco's death. It's not your fault."

"I could have spoken to him one last time," I reasoned.

"How do you think I feel? Besides you, he was the only person who was kind to me." he lowered his voice and mumbled, "He was my best friend."

He looked away from me, but I saw that his eyes were welling up with tears. It was then I realized how selfish I'd been. Jean had been suffering as much as me and more, but instead of comforting him, I was cowardly and got drunk.

"Jean," I said softly. "You know if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. We'll get through this together."

He nodded in understanding.

I came to sit on the bed and hugged him. I kissed his temple and laid my head over his.

"Marco isn't gone," I said, remembering Papa's words from long ago. "We just can't see him anymore because he lost his physical body. But he'll always be here."

*O*O*

We were back among our fellow soldiers by the time we had to report for duty. For the rest of the day, we burned more bodies. This time, I didn't make a new herb bundle. There was no greater evil that could harm us like the titans. If anything, I began to believe evil spirits gagged at the smell of their scent.

The smell of titans was a rancid scent of sweat and body odor and their meaningless bestiality. There's no greater evil than taking lives for pleasure. I never wanted to have it fill my nose again. I never wanted to smell burning flesh again. After days of burning flesh, I became indifferent. The bodies of familiars became as significant as a piece of lint. I came to grips that the souls left long ago, and all that was left was the shell. There was no need to get sentimental about a piece of flesh that was no longer inhabited by a soul.

When it became evening, we all returned to HQ to sleep. Once things were starting to return to normal we no longer had to sleep in the tents, but return to the sleeping quarters of HQ. With the minimal damage caused by the titans, we found that most of our stuff survived the attack.

Mikasa, Annie, Krista, Ymir, Sasha and I requested to be put in a room together. The room had three bunk beds. Mikasa, Annie and I took the bottoms while Sasha, Ymir and Krista called the tops. Our things were where we'd left them before the attack, and I was glad for that.

Everyone was keeping busy with something. Krista was working on a friendship bracelet with Ymir, who seemed like she was tolerating the tedious activity. Sasha was in her bunk with my guitar, plucking the strings while on her back. Annie lay in bed with her back turned towards us. I was finding a comfortable position to go to bed in when Mikasa entered the room.

Memories of earlier today came back to me. I realized that I made myself believe I was second rate to Mikasa, and compared myself to her. Really, we weren't alike at all. We came from different cultures. She was more of an introvert and I was more of an extrovert. She was a master at 3DMG, and I was a master at entertaining. Comparing myself to her was impossible because we weren't the same.

Mikasa came in from the showers dressed in a white nightgown. Her bunk was next to mine and so she came over to mess with her things. I looked over to see her watching me with concern.

"Where were you the other night?" She asked. "We got worried when you didn't show up until this morning."

Ymir's crude laughter filled the room. "Ha! I know where she went. She left with Kirschtein to get knocked up."

My face burned in mortification. Sasha and Krista gaped at me like I'd just sprung antlers and Mikasa regarded me with astonishment. Annie merely turned over to look at me with raised eyebrows.

I argued, "We didn—"

Ymir jumped down from her bunk and crowed, "And on top of that, Naomi was so drunk she couldn't walk straight."

I hung my head in shame, feeling everyone's gazes.

Sasha reproached, "Naomi. Why? Especially with Horse Face?"

She shivered in disgust as she thought of Jean.

Ymir chimed in, "She was all over him."

"Did you use protection?" Krista asked worriedly.

I cried, "NO! I mean we never did it! He took me to an inn and helped me recover from drunkenness."

"Then why on earth were you drunk in the first place?" Mikasa bluntly asked, furrowing her brows in concern.

I sighed in exasperation, knowing that the whole room was waiting for my answer. Ymir gave me an expectant look, smirking at me.

"I lost myself for a moment," I admitted. "I was so caught up in all the death around me, I lost sight of my purpose. I never meant for any of you to know, because I'm not proud of it at all."

"See Naomi, that's your problem," Ymir lectured, strolling around the room. "All you do is think about yourself. You hide your true feelings like you're damn ashamed of what you're feeling so everyone else doesn't look at you as weak. You're not the only person feeling this way. We all are going through shit right now after what we've seen. So stop making this about you, and grow some balls!"

The room was silent after Ymir's tirade. She leaned up against a bunk, waiting for me to respond. I fixed my gaze on my hands, her words ringing true in my head.

"There are people that care about you," Mikasa said. "Don't ever forget that you can hurt others by being careless."

Krista softly added, "If you really were having a hard time, you should have talked to us. We're not just soldiers. We're family."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I promise I won't hold back next time. You were right, Ymir."

Ymir cupped her ear, pretending that she didn't hear it. "What was that?"

She was stabbing at my pride. Not having much left at this point, I yelled, "You're right!"

Ymir grinned, satisfied with my response. "Now, I need a favor. Reiner decided to piss me off and took my hair clamp to mess with me. I can't get anywhere near the boys' wing since Reiner is guarding it as part of his stupid game. You need to go get it for me, otherwise I'll tell everyone that you got drunk as a skunk and you tried to seduce Jean."

I protested, but Ymir gave me a look.

"It's either my hair clamp, or your carelessness. Which will it be, Little Mouse?"

Wordlessly, I left the room in resignation.

She added before I went out the door, "Room 443."

I couldn't help but give Ymir a glare which she didn't seemed too disturbed by.

While walking out, I heard Krista ask Ymir, "Don't you think you were being a little too mean?"

Ymir snorted. "Nah. I was originally planning on making her go streaking through the girls wing."

I sneaked around the halls toward the boy's wing. The girls really weren't supposed to be in that area, so I had to be cautious of anyone coming. Several stairs and stealth moves later, I found Reiner's room.

After scoping out the hall to make sure no one was coming, I pressed my ear to the door to check for any voices or movement inside. The doors weren't very thick, so I could hear if there were people in there. When I heard nothing, I cautiously opened the door and poked my head in.

When I looked around, my eyes met startled green ones.