A/N: 300+ VIEWS! YAY!

I wanted to post this chapter much much earlier (like in December), but I came down very ill and it has ripped a whole two months out of my schedule (bye bye January and February). FINALLY getting the ball rolling again. *sigh*


Saying that all hell broke loose when Byakuya walked into the studio was putting it mildly. When in reality, things actually exploded into pandemonium of apocalyptic proportions. Uryu's fanbase scattered in ever direction, crawling over each other in one big writhing anthill to get to the captain. Suffice to say, there was a lot of pimp-slapping going on, and one fangirl even went Homer Simpson on some poor sucker and started strangling him.

The atmosphere was at fever pitch, with a crescendo of ear-piercing squealing that had one half of the audience curled up in the fetal position with their hands over their ears. Byakuya, who is at the center of the riot, looks like he's going to crawl out of his skin, his expression tight with displeasure. The feeling is mutual. Grim, brow furrowed, I pull my Remington R1 out of its holster at my hip and lift it high over my head.

The group-induced madness fueling the crowd's actions comes to an immediate standstill when I pull the trigger, the subsequent gunshot shattering the frenzy. A hush descends over my audience, and a ripple of confused whispers break out before they see me holding the gun.

"Unless you want to be banned from the Auction I suggest you all act civilized," I say coldly, eyes narrowing dangerously. They all quickly shut up at that. Seeing that he's no longer in the line of fire, Byakuya gracefully strides up to the stage, his scarf streaming out behind him. His fanbase follows him with envious eyes, but they don't move from where they're standing; they're too afraid of inciting my wrath.

Uryu stands in the background while everyone watches Byakuya like he's a runway model. Which he might as well be.

Uryu takes advantage of the distraction to pack up his sweatshop. He isn't upset. In fact, he's immensely relived that he's no longer the center of attention. It's truly exhausting to cater to everyone's whims. I motion for one of my guards to escort Uryu up to the stage. I would have done it myself, but at that moment a rabid fangirl makes a dive for Byakuya. No, seriously, she's rabid- frothing at the mouth, mad with rabies, the whole shebang. Me and MehLikey make a run for her. Byakuya simply sidesteps the girl, causing her to faceplant into the ground. She recovers quickly, spurred on by her madness.

Luckily, we get to her before she can make a second attempt. I have MehLikey restrain her in an armlock while I tranq her. The drug does its job, and she goes limp like a ragdoll almost immediately.

"That was close," I sigh.

"Welcome back, Kevvy-san!" MehLikey says, finally able to get a word in. She gives me a hug and glares at approaching rabid fangirls. "Holy crap, it's an epidemic!" I exclaim.

"No, that's just whip cream," some guy says in the audience. "It's Whip Cream Day." I inspect the fangirls a little closer, weary. It is indeed whip cream. They smile sheepishly.

"Oh," I say. "Why didn't someone tell me? I would have brought my own whip cream." I pout, feeling left out.

Some random bidder extends their hand to me, offering a can of whip cream. I take it. "Thanks."

"I see you have Mr. Slice-things-up-a-lot now. Nice," MehLikey remarks, then raises an eyebrow at all the fangirls surrounding him. "Well at least they aren't surrounding you." She pats me on the back, glares at Aaroniero, who is peeking out from behind the stage curtain, and does a combination of roundhouse kicks, punches and throws at the fangirls. And even trips over them. They yell at her in outrage, whipping out the pepper spray and the compact knives.

Callian31: "To Byakuya, I offer blackmail material on Ichigo and to Uryu I offer the same."

"Unless he's leading a secret double life we don't know about, what 'material' could you possibly have on him?" Byakuya inquires, looking unconvinced. He briskly swats a fangirl's wandering hands away, shooting her a withering look that stops her in her tracks. The ultimate kh fan starts spazzing in the background.

"I WILL GIVE KEVVY 9999999999999 KAIEN PLUSHIES AND OTHER MEMORABILIA, AND BYAKUYA-KUN THE FINEST TEA AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CHERRY BLOSSOM TREE TO OWN HIM! I WILL ALSO GIVE ISANE THE BEST MEDICAL EQUIPMENT EVER TO OWN HER! AND I WILL SAVE KAIEN-KUN FROM THE HORDES OF FANGIRLS FOR YOU AND GIVE HIM TO YOU WITH A CURSE ON HIM SO ONLY YOU CAN TOUCH HIM!"

I cover my face with my hands. "The capitals are hurting my eyes!" I cry.

Uryu nudges his glasses up his nose. "That number of plushies is large enough to wrap around the earth. Where are you going to put them?"

"Eject them into space as a peace-offering to the aliens," I say matter-of-factly.

"And what if there are no aliens?"

"Then they'll make perfect decoration." I turn to the kh fan. "Kevvy-san thanks you for the gifts..and the...er...curse."

I take stock of my audience, noting those who are waiting to submit their bids. dhunter158 is brooding over something. After the fantastic failure of the toilet bid, I can only guess what's in store for today. Something tells me it's not going to soothe the bubbling cauldron that is Aaroniero's emotions.

I'm surprised I haven't gotten death threats from the Noveno yet.

dhunter158: "Hmm, they're right, the toilet is not good enough, what am I thinking?!" dhunter face-palms and tosses the toilet aside. It hits an innocent bystander and cracks in half.

"How about...this new glass tank for your heads? Not sure what yours is made of, but it's sturdy and designed to take a hit. And for the final straw...uh...MY BATTLE SERVICES! Temporarily."

"Because doing it full-time would otherwise scar you for life," I put in.

"I'm pretty proficient in the art of combat, and to be honest, it's all I could think of...

Wait...I...have...the...perfect...ITEM! I offer you this book! 101 Ways to Prepare a Hollow. C'mon, you know you want it." dhunter looks around the crowd. "Just, uh...don't get any ideas from this book right now...The both of us might regret it later."

There's a pregnant silence. Repeated humiliation has conditioned Aaroniero to think twice before making a public appearance. He doesn't show himself, but he does stick his hand out and flip everyone off.

"Nice," I say, unamused.

Bangkok-chan: "I HAS WAKAME AMBASSADOR PLANET (with extra spicy flavors), eternal protection for Rukia (from those pesky fangirls/boys) and a permanent removal of that annoying Shinigami Women's Association from your house. I might add to this later, ne?"

"This has its merits," Byakuya remarks. "I will consider it."

Squealing begins to erupt from someone down in the audience. Arrancar01: "URYUUUUUUUU!"

I look around for the aforementioned Quincy, and spot him at the other end of the stage, wide-eyed from the sudden exclamation. Another bidder named DireSphynx is with him, finishing up with his presentation. I hear something about a purification spell, but then Uryu wraps things up and thanks DireSphynx.

Arrancar01: "Okay. That's over. I bid all the sewing supplies ever created, the time machine used to get those sewing supplies, your grandfather alive, and Mayuri's head for you to destroy in any way you like."

"It would have to be a fake head. Killing a captain is a crime against the Soul Society," Byakuya points out monotonously.

"Don't discredit the bidder," I chastise.

"For Byakuya, I bid one alive Hisana, a cat and a Renji who's never late to work. Aaroniero, you get a kitten. Here you go."

Arrancar01 throws the kitten, and it screeches as it is swallowed up by the stage curtains. There's a moment's silence, and then a horrendous caterwauling explodes from backstage. Aaroniero rolls out into view, screaming as the kitten scores deep marks into his glass tank with its little claws. It continues its slashing frenzy even as he tries to pull off the diabolically cute ball of fluff before it can do irreparable damage.

"Oh and if you eat it, you're dead." Arrancar01 shoots him a menacing glare and then leaves him to his battle with the kitten.

"This is like Animal Planet," I say, and begin stuffing my face with popcorn as I enjoy the spectacle Aaroniero is making. "Only one can survive!" I pump my fist in the air, cheering the kitten on.

Seeing as how I'm no longer handling matters, Byakuya decides to adopt my duties temporarily and goes to intersect a bidder that's pushing their way through the crowd.

theunknownassassin: "I MUST HAVE BYAKUYA! I WILL SELL YOU MY SOLE! I WILL PAY ANYTHING FOR HIM. YOU NAME IT AND I WILL PAY IT!"

Uryu looks perplexed. "You mean like a foot sole?" he asks.

"I think he means soul," I supply, swiveling back around in my chair just as the kitten rips off a tentacle in its mouth. "Ouch," I wince. "That's gotta hurt." Aaroniero screams bloody murder.

Red Cr0w: "Kuchiki-Taicho! If you stay with me, I give you ALL the Wakame Taishi you want, rights to beat the crap out of Kurosaki Ichigo, and lots of spicy food! And...a fence to guard your precious koi!" Bakuya looks about to say something, but then comes the begging. Not that that's new. It actually happens a lot.

"PLEASE STAY WITH ME! I'M VERY QUIET AND I CAN DO PAPERWORK! You won't have to worry about staying at work late any longer! I love you, Kuchiki-Taicho! I'll give you calligraphy sets (only the best), white lion cubs, cherry blossom trees...AND I'LL BRING HISANA-SAMA BACK TO LIFE. IMAGINE YOUR FUTURE BABIES. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Just say yes!" Red Cr0w smiles sweetly. "I promise, I'll make sure your lieutenant is never late AGAIN."

Byakuya's face goes through a series of emotions at the rant: nonplussed (white lions? Really?), back to stiff-backed composure (he'd already had plenty of people offer him Hisana, so that was nothing new), then flustered. Babies? With Hisana?

"ALRIGHT!" I yell. The kitten trots off victorious, dragging the severed Glotoneria in its mouth as its spoils of war. Uryu looks a bit green at the bloody sight. "It's so cute...but so wrong," he mumbles.

"Eh?" I turn around, catching sight of Byakuya, who's frozen to the spot like a block of ice. Poor guy. That last bit of the offer must have petrified him...

"Hey, guys, I know what I want to name the kitten!" I declare. "Jaws!"

The newly named Jaws looks up, then hunkers down in a corner and begins feasting on his prize.

To be continued...

lol. Jaws is so cute. Thanks to Arrancar01 for giving him to us! :) Next chapter, Aaroniero Arrurerie, Uryu Ishida, and Byakuya Kuchiki will all still be up for grabs. Moshigami-chan, I've moved your review up to the next chapter, so expect to see it there. Thanks to all my readers for your support. I hope I can stay in good health so I can keep the chappies coming! See ya next time. ;)